Where's my landing gear...

"I fly like paper, get high like planes..."

Um, I'm flying this plane today aka, my brain, and it won't land. My landing gear will simply not deploy. I keep pressing the button and nope, no cooperation.

I'm also drowning in bad metaphors. I just don't know how else to describe this wiggy feeling. The brain simply will not land. "The mouth" has been in charge for two days now as I chat the heads off of anyone who will listen, "the BEST IDEAS EVER" are occurring to me with high frequency (and trust me, only about 25 percent of them are the best ideas ever) and...here I am at work writing a blog post, that I have to promise myself will be a short one because...I really do have work to do and I'm already having a hard time sitting my brain still to do it...

But later, I'm calling the NP to see if maybe we can bump up that increase in dosage...yeah!!! THAT would be the best idea ever!

Who the Eff Packed This Box!?!?!

It seems to be a well documented fact that adults with ADHD have piles...of stuff. Well I had boxes and they have followed me for years. And now I'm unpacking them, I'm looking in one and all I can say is "WHO THE EFF PACKED THIS DAMN THING! IT'S FULL OF CRAZY SHIT!". Ugh, why did I save this crap. I mean, I know why, it was because I couldn't slow my brain down long enough to friggin' figure out a better solution but gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

This is hell. Hell is 15 minutes alone with your own baggage. Literally. Here I am. And only 10 boxes to go. Better set the timer for 10 minutes to deter the hyperfocus demon, because if I hyperfocus on organizing this crap, I'm gonna have more than ADHD making me nuts, lol...

NOW you tell me

This is just fan-freaking-tastic. Apparently before I started treatment, my significant other did not always feel comfortable telling me what he was really thinking sometimes about some of my less charming ADHD symptoms. The monologuing, for example, "The MEMEME Show"--sweet Jesus that's gotta be annoying. And the BIG reactions. And it's no wonder...would you want to tell someone that their BIG reactions make you uncomfortable when you were worried that their reaction might be, well, a little BIG? He also just plain worried about hurting my feelings.

Now...now that the medication has taken the edge off of many of my reactions and behaviors...now he's saying things about me that actually seem a little out of date. "It's always the YOUYOUYOU show!". I can't say he is inaccurate, just that he would have been more accurate a couple of months ago. So as I was trying to sort out this disconnect I asked "But I feel like I'm changing a lot, don't you think I seem a little bit better? a little bit less intense? a little bit less chatty? like I'm listening better most of the time?". To which he said yes...then "I'm sorry...I think I was so uncomfortable talking to you about it before, that now that you're less intense I feel like I can actually say these things to you and you won't have a HUGE reaction".

Ka-thunk. Sigh.

To be clear...I sought diagnosis and treatment of whatever "this" was with his support, but at my own insistence. He did not push me in this direction, he did not incessantly complain about my less graceful behaviors, he did not tell me I was an awful person, he didn't even tell me he thought there was something "wrong" with me that I should have treated. He apparently enjoyed the up sides and silently suffered the downsides in relative silence. Which makes me feel really awful.

It's quite a pickle. On the one hand, I have these annoying things that I do. On the other hand I am aware that I do them, and I feel badly about it. But in the moment they happen anyway. I am compelled to think out loud, and 45 minutes later I stop to breathe and notice that someone else is in the room. I promise that I'll do the dishes then find myself on a 3 hour research odyssey for a book that I should write someday. My mind grabs onto something upsetting with the lockjaw of a pitbull and can't let go until the prey stops wiggling. Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, I should have been working on my homework. While I'm in it, the logic, if there is any just then, points to the necessity of my continuing to do whatever ridiculous shit it is that I'm doing.

I truly wish that without medication I could just stop. But I guess that's what brought me to this point...to being 33 years old and finally saying "Help!". I tried addressing hypoglycemia, I realized that my stimulation-seeking was destroying my life, I systematically attempted to remove gratuitous chaos from my life. And still...I was me. And in the end that's what you're left with, yourself, and the knowledge that after all the variables are removed, there's nobody and nothing else to blame but what may exist within you. What existed within me was an ever so slight chemical imbalance in my brain that wreaks utter havoc on the people that I love.

Sigh. Ka-thunk. (<-------Sound of a heavy heart.)

Peeking through...

...just when I was beginning to think "this is just me learning to be organized, this medication isn't doing anything for me" suddenly the medication stopped working. How do I know? I was suddenly aware that the old familiar feeling of overdrive was back. The pacing, the not sitting, the thinking-thinking-thinking and the irrational aversion to simple tasks that the logical mind knows are not difficult.

And after a couple weeks comprised of mostly relative "quiet" in the brain, this was jarring.

See, it's a good trick. The medication doesn't alter my personality. It doesn't take away my creative ideas and thoughts. It makes them behave more politely, and ask before interrupting my train of thought. They "poof" into my mind instead of exploding. The rubber band between the new thought and the space station (my brain) is allowed to slacken at times, rather than being constantly stretched by lack of gravity. You get the idea. (And please forgive the terrible metaphor. I'll blame the ADHD part of my brain for that one.) Because the medication does not make me feel "not like me" I thought it wasn't doing anything. I thought "oh, look at me, I'm just so organized, I must be that amazing that will-power just kicked my behavior issues in the ass, even though that hadn't happened in the 33 years prior to my taking the medication".

This isn't to say that I don't have stellar coping skills, or that my cleverness hadn't helped me work my way around all manner of deadlines and obligations over the years. But it was hard work to make it happen...harder work than it should have been all this time. The medication makes it possible to just BE organized instead of fight to appear that way. It takes some of the struggle out of staying on task. It creates an actual thought process rewarded by results where before there was mapless inspiration buoyed by anxiety (and often followed with an "OH SHIT! I HAVE TO TURN THIS IN TOMORROW!" and a last minute miracle).

The medication doesn't make me perfect, or make my thought processes perfect, but it takes the edge off, and lets me be me in a more reasonable time frame and with less anxiety. How can it be so subtle and change my life so much at the same time? I guess for me, it really points out the difference between me and my symptoms. ADHD is part of me, part of my brain's functioning, part of who I am. But it is a set of symptoms, it is not the core of me, it is not my personality. And the medication seems to let me see more of my personality without the obstruction of the symptoms. Lets me enjoy the upsides of ADHD, but helps to keep some of the more frustrating ones at bay.

So I'm grateful for the "peeking through" that allowed me to appreciate the subtle charms of my medication. As a result, we upped the dosage on the meds a little and voila...life feels just a little more manageable.

Dark before the dawn...

I sought help for my ADHD symptoms because I was feeling very overwhelmed by my life. To much going on, too many channels in my mind, too many activities in my life, too many mystery piles. Once I had started trying to cut down on my surplus of commitments and piles I realized how much work it was to say no, to make a dent...somehow the jumble just kept turning in on itself, and on me, somehow the pile never got smaller, somehow, everything was always slightly out of my control, or so it felt.

Now I'm taking medication and I think it's starting to "do" something. It is easier to really hear what other people are saying. The random pacing and fidgeting has lessened. I feel calmer. I have actual identifiable processes of thought rather than Indy-car races from point A to point X.

But my life feels more overwhelming. This confused me until I suddenly realized: I think my newly slowed down brain is able to look at my life and see what my ADHD brain couldn't. And what it's seeing is making it say "HOLY SHIT". It is totally registering overwhelm where my ADHD brain registered "OOOOH THAT'S SHINY AND NEW!" and propelled me fearlessly forward. I sort through boxes of crap that I suddenly "see" and get a sick feeling in my stomach as I realize I really do need to sort through it all, over time of course, to get my life back. ADHD brain has breezed past these boxes many times over the last several years, adding to their contents and number and promising to "do it later" and never following through. Last weekend...five boxes emptied by newly slowed brain.

I anticipate that this issue, overall, will sort itself out over time. What's really funny is that at first...I thought it meant the medicine wasn't working. Until I realized all the other good things the medicine was doing and I thought "wait, something doesn't make sense". It all makes a lot of sense now...and I just have to keep plugging away at the details of my life while my newly slowed brain politely refrains from adding more toppings to the already full pizza.

Thank God for Motherf***ing Post-Its

I swear to God, someone with ADHD must have invented those f*ckers. They are pure genius, pure life saver, and they come in such nice colors these days. I like the hot pink an awful lot.

Post-Its make up for my mind's total lack of RAM. The steering wheel and the desk are a carnival of neon notes. And each one can hold one idea. So unlike a to-do list, which tortures you until you have finished the whole damn thing, you get to throw a Post-It away as each single item is addressed. Instant satisfaction.

The power of choice...

Medication is, of course, one treatment that people may choose for ADHD. It's easy to think of the medication as a quick fix though and that's truly not the most useful way to think about it. First of all, different medications may do or not do different things for different people. Second, medication sets the stage for focus, but is not necessarily the thing that ensures that you will. It does create the conditions so that it is easier for you to simply stay on task and not be pulled in 5 other directions, but even in a life made less scattered by medication, there is still free will.

I can choose to finish a pile of work, or not. It's more likely that I will finish it, with a medication soothed mind, because I will not be as propelled to stray...but even a calmed mind can choose to watch television instead. Or choose to drive to the ice cream stand. Because honestly...with my mind a little quieter, THOSE things are more fun because I can actually focus on them, too, not just the work, and sometimes it's more fun to choose those things. The difference manifests when you realize you can choose to do or not do things...rather than being urgently compelled to dart around. What a wonderful feeling, to be able to choose.

I am still adjusting to medication, so I don't know for sure yet if this drug will end up being a long term thing for me (it's not a stimulant and the adjustment period is subtle and slow)...but even at this point I have moments of lovely quiet in my mind where I can steadily pace through a stack of undesireable work tasks, or choose to pull my bike out of the garage and slowly ride around town and just enjoy it without thinking about 5 things I am afraid I'm going to forget to do later because I don't have a pen and paper in hand.

Terror Alert

You know how intelligence agencies talk about the "chatter" they hear through intelligence circles that indicate a rise in terrorist activity. That probably the perfect way to explain what is happening inside my head today. When I started taking my medication over a week ago, it left me a bit groggy, but my mind was actually blissfully clear of the stuff that constantly bounces around in it. As my body continues to adjust to the medication however, I suppose I am bound to have days like this. I had become so accustomed to the quiet in my head over the last week or so, that now that the "chatter" is back, it's driving me absolutely nuts. It certainly drives home for me the significance of the level of distraction in my brain that I had learned to live with over the previous 33 years. It makes me really proud of myself that I had learned many creative ways to manage it, so that I could "pass" for appropriate. It also makes me really hope that I will be able to get back to that quiet space, at least some of the time, once the medication finally decides if it is "right" for me. I don't need perfection. But a small break from the constant idea-splosions in my brain would be nice. Even a softening of their insistence makes it easier for me to focus on whatever task may be at hand.

Day 8, with Mr. Strattera

We've taken to referring to the Strattera, in this house, as "Mr. Strattera, the crazy Italian". As in "I have another date with Mr. Strattera, the crazy Italian" and my boyfriend says "Say hello to him for me..." with a very bad, stereotypical Italian accent. It's too soon to tell if he's doing what he's supposed to be doing to my brain, but he seems to be busy anyway. Day one he was busy hitting me upside the head with a crazy Italian baseball bat of anxiety. Since then, side effects and effects have ranged from paralyzing to motivating. The NP says I'm apparently "sensitive to the medication". Um. Yeah...pretty much.

Ironically, Strattera is the drug they give you if you have ADHD accompanied by symptoms of anxiety. It's supposed to give you focus, without exacerbating your existing anxiety. One of the initial potential side effects at the beginning however...is anxiety. Mean trick. Though when he's not torturing me with anxiety (like so many bad boyfriends before him), I feel interestingly calm, my mind refreshingly still. It will take several weeks to determine if the crazy Italian is the "right guy" for my brain. Here on Day 8 though, things seem to be going in a decent direction. I am at peace with the fact that this process will take time and I think I can stick out the rough patches.

The therapist and the NP have both given me the homework to "practice focusing on the really boring stuff and see what happens". Well the other day I did just that and got a 6-month old backlog of work done. Holy cannoli Mr. Strattera! Keep this up and I'll be moving the boyfriend out and YOU in, full time.

And I'm only on Day 8.

Begin at the beginning...

The backstory to what brought me to this point will all come out in time, but to answer a few quick questions:

18 Channels? That's pretty much what my brain, unmedicated, receives simultaneously. It's a party, and it's an obstacle all at the same time.

And you are? That will probably come out in time too, but for now, this journey is new, my life is somewhat public, and honestly, I don't feel like discussing my medication trials and errors with my entire community. But I DO feel like discussing them with you, if you're still reading ;) In my personal life, I am very transparent about my ADHD, and feel an obligation to share that aspect of myself. In my public life, I'll save the unveiling for a later date.

ADHD? So much more than the stereotypes that pervade American thinking to this point. It's not just for hyperactive 7-year old boys anymore folks.

And why a blog? My own ADHD journey has created a hunger for more information about other people's experiences. I am returning the favor.

Hey, it's after midnight EST, shouldn't you be in bed? Yeah. If I didn't have ADHD and could shut my brain off for two secs instead of worrying about a plan for focusing at work tomorrow, and thinking about the press releases I should have sent out this afternoon instead of baking cookies and bread and going to art shows. Did I mention I also painted three portraits while watching a baseball game today?