Tuesday, March 16, 2010

...and this is why my life is NOT fun!

...I am about a month from taking my graduation exam and two months from graduation with my Masters degree and...I can hardly stand to finish any schoolwork right now.

Any ADHDer reading this can confirm that trying to undertake ANY task that your mind is simply DONE with it is, pure and simple, HELL ON EARTH. It's "senioritis" times 850, 000.

In addition, I'm a little behind right now because I'm catching up from last semester. That's not making this particular hell any more compelling, it's just making me anxious.

And to top it all off and make this scenario all the more delightfully perfect: after tinkering around with meds to temper my anxiety and ADHD, and a year of awesome work with my fantastic therapist, I find myself in a pickle. On the one hand treatment has been super effective at breaking my habit of overcommitting and overworking by making me see . Don't get me wrong...I still work like a freaking robot and get probably a little too much done...but compared to my former schedule, which was, I now realize, INSANE, which is why I had to seek treatment in the first place, I'm in tamesville.

I'm not only in tamesville, I'm in "I can't work like a superhuman anymore because I'm only human"-ville. Now that I have seen the other side and seen that my world won't come crashing down...I'm still motivated but I don't seem to be able to work 15 hours a day, seven days a week anymore. And umm...if I could really just pull that off for the next couple of weeks that would really get this whole finishing crap I don't want to thing taken care of pretty quickly!

Typing this and re-reading it...I realize I've been struggling with this for weeks (which is why I'm behind right now) and...it's kind of painful to have to admit. But...maybe writing about it will flush a little of this crap out of my system so I can just get back to work. Nothing like exposing a pile of bullshit for what it is, and having to smell it full-on, to compell action....

I'm going to have to make this confession to my therapist too, tomorrow, when I see her...because a little extra asskicking right now will only hurt in the good way....

This is why my life is fun...

...I ordered Chinese delivery for dinner. When I'm in the throes of schoolwork-induced anxiety and need to get a crap ton of work done that I'd rather not be doing, I can't handle the details of food without compromising my ability to produce and if I don't eat, it just makes things worse for my ADHD brain and hypoglycemic metabolism (not to mention the misery that Sonny Rollins, should he call during such an episode, may experience)...so I ordered out.

First, I would like to mention that it is RAD that you can order food from your computer and have a nice person magically arrive at your door with a bag of FOOD in their hands for you, from down the street. I LOVE IT.

Second, the puppy was a little jealous, but I have a strict "NO HUMAN FOODS PASS ANIMAL LIPS" rule in this house. So...I emptied out the gyoza container (yes, I realize gyoza are not Chinese, "asian identity crisis" restaurants are just a fairly common and very humorous reality here in northern NE) and I put his kibble in the container. Chico "Che" Guevara went HOGWILD for his kibble! Okay he always goes HOGWILD for his kibble but he was really pretty delighted with the takeout container...so delighted that he proceeded to try to eat it when he was done with the kibble.

Watching this was much more fun than doing homework. But that's a topic for my NEXT post....

Monday, March 15, 2010

New Shoes Means Good Times

I love shoes. I. Love. Shoes. What does this have to do with living with ADHD? Not a single f*cking thing. But if it's been a while, and I'm having that urge like I was the other day, to do something baaaaad? Ordering a couple of pairs of shoes on the internet is hardly the worst I could do...unless you're the kind of ADHDer who has an issue with frequent excessive spending and that's just not me. Frequent excessive worrying is more my bag. Why these shoes? Because they're H.O.T. That's generally the only reason I go for a shoe once spring hits New England, and spring, in all its rainy glory is here...Sonny Rollins kinda liked the blue ones. It figures that jazz dude would dig the retro glamour...me, I'm loving the drag queen vibe of the silver. My dog just thinks they look delicious...he's right, but if I see him near them, I'm going to make him into a pair of sandals...

Is it possible there's a novelty appeal here for the ADHD brain? Of course...do I care? Not really...this is soooooo the lesser of evils in the big world of distractions :)


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Theodore Walter Rollins

I just can't win. ADHD boy is STILL complaining about his nickname. Even though I changed it to Sonny Rollins.

"What if people think you're really talking about Sonny Rollins!?" and "What if Sonny Rollins reads it and thinks you're really talking about Sonny Rollins!?" and "What if people think you're talking about Henry Rollins!?"

a) the same people who think I'm really talking about Sonny Rollins...first of all if they actually listen to Sonny Rollins they're probably too smart to make such a silly mistake. If they know who he is and they're still confused...they would probably mistake The Onion for real news and that really isn't my problem.

b) Sonny Rollins is a pretty old dude. I'm just banking on him not Googling himself on the internet. If all goes according to plan, he'll just keeeeeep playing that sax that made him famous, and keep his jazz-great nose out of it. Plus, don't old jazz dudes just collect stylish young girlfriends? I don't think he'll complain. He'd probably only be pissed that he's now a white guitar player.

c) Henry Rollins. That would just be hilarious. If people mistake Sonny Rollins for Henry Rollins...I'm sorry, I can't even stop laughing typing it...can we please get them on a double bill for Lilith Fair next year or something? I would pay money...

So...I'm sorry baby, but until something strikes my ADHD brain as even half as funny as calling you Sonny Rollins (which incidentally just makes me think about how cute you are running around in your bathrobe making breakfast listening to Sonny Rollins) then maybe I'll consider an alternate moniker. Until then...start practicing saxophone.

And consider this: do you suppose that Theodore Walter Rollins got to pick HIS nickname? Huh? I think no. He was probably thinking something more like "Bebop" or "Crusty" but no...everyone kept calling him "Sonny".

I think Sonny Rollins is about to rue the day he found himself a woman with ADHD.