Friday, January 22, 2010

Being Proactive Without Driving Other People Nuts

Of course many of us with ADHD have issues with certain kinds of follow through issues and remembering issues. Oh the joy.

So I have some ways that I deal with these things...for example, I try to either do things right when I remember them or at least create an effective reminder for myself to make sure it's done later. Or I make sure to get a TON of work done when I'm "on" so that I don't screw myself when I'm having an "off" day.

I try to consolidate a lot of things in my life too...for example, I will send a landlord a stack of signed checks for the term of a lease so that I don't have to forget to send a single check every month. Or, if I have the money, I will actually pay chunks of rent at a time...right now I don't need to pay rent on my apartment until March because I already paid three months in advance. (You then have to set a reminder to actually then PAY it in March!)

However...sometimes people don't "get" these things. The person I pay my work studio rent to, for example, was utterly baffled as to why I would want to pay the rent for the entire remainder of the lease now, so we got into a mini-standoff of her saying "no, you can just pay me each month" and me responding "right, but I have the money now, so I'll just pay you now"...until I finally just said " Ah...I try to pay things in chunks to eliminate repetitive tasks and make sure things are done when they need to be done. If it's truly not convenient for you, that's okay, but if it IS, it would be much better for me to pay you now.". That did the trick.

However, there ARE times when our "accommodation" isn't reasonable for others to have to put up with. This wasn't one of those times. But it's good to remember in the back of your brain that the world won't always work the way you want it to, even when YOU are in fact having the best of intentions...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The RE-SET Button

There's a little thing I like to do in my life from time to time called pressing the re-set button. And in my world view there are certain things that need to get re-set regularly.

When I leave my desk at work I hit the re-set button, meaning I organize my work for the next day so I can come in and it's not a mess.

About once a week I go through my bigbig bag to tidy and empty it so I don't start to drown under my own daily accumulations.

Every morning I straighten the blankies on the bed so that it gives the illusion of my room being a little tidier AND so that it feels goooood to climb back in bed at night.

If I don't do things like this my ADHD world start to get very uninhabitable.

Today I am noticing that I may have skipped last week's bag cleaning.

Tonight, I am hitting that re-set button....

Monday, January 18, 2010

Everyday ADHD good times

Let's talk about the trash can in my kitchen and how I haven't been able to find it for a few weeks now. My new roomie, Miss A as we like to call her, moved in at the beginning of the month and so I rearranged some things in order to make things just lovelier in general. One of the things I did, not just for loveliness, but because the growing puppy did not need to be getting any big ideas of digging in the trash can, was to move the garbage and recycling cans into the bottomest shelf of the big cupboard in the kitchen.

I've been looking for it ever since. Blast. Seriously, everytime I need to put something in the garbage can, I start wandering around, and usually end up even going out the porch door looking for it before I get very annoyed and them suddenly remember that it's in that cupboard. It's only been weeks now, let's see if we can't make it months of confusion! (And I don't doubt that my brain can! In fact, I bet we'll be playing this game until I move out of this apartment.)

PS I have been MIA

Because we're waiting to get the interwebs hooked back up at home.

Tomorrow is the glorious day we've all been waiting for...and here you thought my medication had performed miracles, diminishing my need to constantly think aloud or on paper. Well it actually HAS...yay!

But that's not why I haven't been posting :)

The teenage years...

...holy crap, my dog has reached his teenage years...or something. He is a total ball of quick wit, sharp intelligence, and pure, unadulterated ANNOYING.

You can see the gears turning in his head...and you can see that when he is using your leg as a trampoline...for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT, totally unstoppable, that he is doing it with intent, and with great JOY. His joy only grows when you finally roll over from your attempt at couch napping and yell for him to please just stop.

Good lord in heaven...every limit that can be pushed is being pushed. All at once. And he just discovered BARKING this week...GAH.

Right now, for the first time in DAYS he is taking a nap.

Oh how long can this heaven last?

Now that's a nasty little piece of baggage to carry around...

...but I would bet that a lot of us ADHDers carry it around. That suitcase marked "they're not going to like/love me anymore when they experience the real me".

This is how I know that I really like the gentleman formerly known as ADHD boy who I'm going to have to find a new name for because the old one is ridiculous. For several days I have had this totally unnecessary but very real thought popping up in my those sleepy moments especially, where your brain is running a bit loose and carefree and speaking's a pang of fear, a flash of my less lovely ADHD's a vision of me having a classic rant/monologue about something probably ridiculous, or a weird, sharp reaction to some sensory overstimulation that simply wouldn't bother most people and seeing that look on his face.

That look. If you have ADHD and you're reading this, I'm betting that you might know which look I'm talking about...and it's kind of awful. That look when someone reacts to the fact that your behavior has just barely slipped out of the normal range and suddenly they're realizing something they didn't realize before. Suddenly they're seeing you, and honestly, they're not sure what they think of it...or it's even possible that they are sure what they think of it, and they actually think you're weird. Or disgusting. Or nuts. In any case you're just far enough outside of normal-land that you must be destroyed or rejected.

Because that's what people do with the things they don't understand. They push them away.

I wish I didn't have these feelings, but I recognize that the only way past them is through them. And it hurts, it really does. It makes me sad.

It's not just about ADHD little girls get that reaction a lot too. People who think out of the box get it as well. Young women who speak with articulation rather than giggles are also on this list (and I'm ashamed to say that at some point I acquired a giggle that I can't seem to get rid of, because I got tired of fielding that kind of sexism...every time I catch myself giggling I wish I hadn't, but it's hard to undo that kind of internalized apology).

Things that are different are often not widely loved. Or they learn to adopt a facade that is more palatable, and may in fact be more widely loved...however you then run the risk, that when the facade is removed, you will be pushed away.

As honest and "me" as I have been with this wonderful person that I believe truly does love me, and who I think really DOES see me for me...I still fear that moment. And isn't that a funny change...I have gone from waiting for the other shoe, to BEING the other shoe.

What exact horror do I think he is going to see and run from? Oh you know...just the usual...although if I had to vote I would say that vehement ranting about topics that nobody else gives a shit about might be a likely possibility. If I was less self-aware I could really have some serious ADHD fun with this and actually act out obnoxious behaviors to provoke fights, just to see how he reacts...YES! AWESOME IDEA! (Kidding...not an awesome idea!).

I do recognize it as an interesting sign...I often feel that I have two selves and lately, I have been feeling my two selves in agreement. Usually there is this sort of cloaked character inside of me somewhere, not apologizing for her existence, dressed in black because she likes it, firmly perched and quietly watching what the other, more accommodating and flexible sister is up to. The flexible sister is the one that giggles...the dark one is the one that cries when she does.

But they've been spending more time together these two...and they both like ADHD boy. And they are willing to be seen in the same place with him. And he inspires the dark one's trust.

Which would be exactly why she's causing such a ruckus. Why she's saying things right now like "oh shit...I'm totally going for it because it's what I want, but I'm not going to pretend I'm not afraid anymore, and who knows what comes from that".

I'm not going to pretend I'm not afraid anymore.

And I have no idea what comes after that.