People Magazine: The Ultimate Mental Vacation

For me, because my mind is already hypervigilant, relaxation is about the most overwhelming demand anyone could make of me. You seriously do not want to see me on a weeklong sitting-on-yer-ass-on-the-beach vacation...I can't even imagine why in the hell that is fun for people. But it is a fact that most people with ADHD don't take medication for their entire lives, for various reasons...that means you better learn some skills to make life more manageable when the naked, chemical-free brain is unleashed.

So I tried something new this week. I went to a yoga class this week and LOVED it. Seriously...it was mentally engaging enough that I was totally into it. Will definitely try it again. I was indeed so relaxed when I was done I didn't want to talk. AT. ALL. And that's a rarity, lemme tell ya...I was also shocked at how much raw energy I released from various underused parts of my body. Wow.

Another idea I am tinkering with: meditation. I started tinkering with meditation in high school. Unfortunately some of my experiences made me not want to do it anymore. That's a whole other story in itself filled with weird "out of body experiences" but I'm going to let my 30-something year old brain take another stab at it.

You know what really relaxes me though? Okay true confession, I am way too engaged by true crime stories...on television, and today, it happened to be on the internet...I literally spent 5 hours doing nothing but read weird tales of true crime on my computer...I hardly moved...and I can't normally sit and read like this unless I'm REALLY into what I'm reading. My body felt like delicious, relaxed Jello when I was done...my mind felt free. You know what I think it is? Now that I don't actively infuse my life with drama/wild abandon/charmingly spontaneous plans that disrupt all decisions that came before (classic ADHD method for keeping ones life interesting enough to focus on) it's safer for me to read about other people's drama...and weirdly, perhaps disturbingly, that's relaxing.

The true crime stuff must tap into the same part of my brain that People Magazine taps into, and People Magazine is seriously the ultimate relaxation inducer for me. I'm not joking, and oh, how I wish I was! People Magazine is one of my only consistent tools for relaxation. I used to bring it to school when I was working on my paralegal education...I finally gave up trying to "just focus" in class and discovered accidentally that if I brought a magazine to class to read (hidden behind a school book!) that it was way easier for me to just stay planted in class instead of needing to get up to leave and run around in the halls (pretending I was doing something other than avoiding going back to class). I also (note to teachers who think that all fidgeting in class is a bad thing) got WAY better grades once I started allowing myself these little indulgences. In addition to it being a great bite-sized in-classroom break, I can sit and read the thing cover to cover with absolute focus and obliviousness to the world around me. My hypervigilant brain just goes "ahhhhh" and leaves me alone for awhile as it pores over the glossy, moron-infested pages. Think about that for a minute...a trashy celebrity magazine gives me the same effect that people pay money for drugs to achieve. If only reading it took more than an hour!

With People magazine as my most trusted method for relaxation, you're probably beginning to see why I needed to reach out for more creative ideas ;) But oh, I'm not one to fix what ain't broke. I would much rather focus my energy on making better, saner decisions in my life, and allow myself vicarious drama indulgences if that's what it takes...

I'll still go to yoga though...that shit was hardcore!

Classic ADHD Moment # 8457

Alright...I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but here goes. So I AM diagnosed with ADHD, that's the whole reason for this lovely blog. But that's doesn't mean I'm a disorganized shipwreck of a person. In fact, because of my ADHD I have learned to be extremely organized, sometimes at the expense of sleep, sanity, and all else. I feel a strong drive to follow through on my commitments to others/to the world around me despite my overcommitment (working on it!) and so I've come up with lots of little ways to make sure I get done what I need to get done, and end up in the right place at almost the right time.

Well my latest experiment in self-organization is using a calendar. Bear with me...because the payoff for this tale of the dangers of changing your methods is totally worthwhile. You need to know...I have avoided them like the plague for years because when I have that little box to fill in, I will make it too full in no time. Years ago I decided that I would only commit to what I could keep in my head, in my memory...haha. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen but I assure you, it's helped me maintain a nice sort-of healthy line between my soul and my workaholism. It's meant a few extra post-its on the steering wheel at times to remind me of things, but hey, they work...assistants have laughed...but it's better than them crying when I mix things up and they have to help me fix it :)

Well recently I decided I wanted to free myself of the post-its on the steering wheel...so I set up a Google Calendar. I'm on a computer somewhere all the time, whether at the law office, the kitchen store, the studio, the house. I put all my appointments on the calendar, and set an informal limit of no more than two obligations per day. So far, so good, sounds like a PERFECT PLAN.

Until this morning when I am sitting at the law office at about 11AM and decide to check my calendar, only to discover that OH SHIT, I missed an 8AM appointment. The post-its on the steering wheel was way better because I could SEE them when I got in the car (and for me and my brain seriously lacking in RAM, if I don't see it...it does not exist) ! SHITSHITSHIT! This was an important meeting...with the Exec Director of the local indie cinema, a rep for the huge local theater house, and their Marketing Director. We were supposed to be meeting to discuss a project we're all interested in developing in town, and I've been seriously looking forward to this meeting ALL MONTH.

ALL FREAKING MONTH.

I wrote an email to the group explaining how embarrassed I was that I had missed the meeting, that I wasn't usually like this, that I was so sorry to have disrespected their also busy schedules...etcetcetc, five Hail Mary's...you get the idea.

I get a response from the theater rep about a minute later saying "ummm...we changed the meeting to next week".

(PAUSE)

(MOTHERF*CKER)

I wrote the group back with a "Wow...now I'm even more embarrassed...please just know I've had a really hard week...see you next week...".

I am today's winner of the asshat crown. I know my therapist would say "you need to work on forgiving yourself" but instead, I'm going to kick my own ass for about 15 more minutes...then I'll think about this thing called forgiving myself...

It's a funny thing, these moments (and the fact that I spend an enormous amount of energy trying to ensure that they don't happen). I am actually quite open about my ADHD (and anxiety, if you must know) diagnosis in many situations. It simply isn't appropriate or beneficial in a situation like this though, to bring it up, to be open, so you have this quiet experience--of solitary acknowledgement of your chemical imperfections. There's nothing really to be done but apologize and move on. It's just that when you have ADHD it's easy to fall into worrying that it might happen again...because you know it will at some point, no matter how hard you work, or how good your intentions...which for me, then ignites the overcompensation of workaholism all over again.

On top of it I just switched meds this week...that's REALLY something you don't just mention to people in a professional situation "I'm sorry I thought I missed our meeting that I didn't actually miss, I'm taking new psychotropic drugs this week so I've got black holes in my brain the size of Jupiter for about the next two weeks!".

(flogflogflog self one more time...)

Bwahaha...okay, going back and reading this...the humor is making itself more apparent. I'm going to channel my therapist and remind myself...and you...that nobody is perfect.

This is what progress looks like...

Started Vyvanse last week and my eating schedule and sleep schedule are all effed up as a result...though I am slowly adjusting, this has effed up my "everything else" schedule too. With my life the way it is right now, I can't handle that kind of interference without endangering my sanity. Plus, a lot of other people depend on MY stuff getting done. So I did something I have rarely done in my life...instead of torturing myself to get everything done, instead of quitting something preemptively before it can fail, instead of waiting for the boulders to fall around my feet...I called my sister to come clean my house. I asked some friends to help me with publicity...and bookkeeping. And interestingly, just delegating these duties made it WAY easier for me to let my mind attack other tasks. Duh, right? Yeah, I know...but I didn't know until I "knew" you know?

Now the challenge will be not letting me use temporary help as an excuse to add more to my plate :) Better spend some quality time meditating on that one...

The Benefits

I have had many jobs where I have been THE perfect person for the job, precisely because I have ADHD.

Really? Really. My ability to go with the flow, ability to multi-task, creative thinking, and boundless energy are perfect for working in a criminal defense law office. Working with the demented elderly. Working in advertising sales. Any job that involves people juggling, and lightning speeds, and I have done these aforementioned jobs and many more.

I am also exceptional as "that employee that is perfect for plugging a hole in whatever pinch you may be presented with, because I have unique skills along with the aforementioned awesome traits". I am always that person. I've made a bit of a career out of that, if nothing else specifically. Beyond being a sign of my ADHD it is also a cultural trait of the family that spawned me. (Chicken...or egg...or ADHD...I think about this often, and wonder if my family could qualify for a group rate for ADHD treatment.)

The malfunction (THE malfunction) reveals itself in my choice of the word "many". Most jobs are boring to me after an extremely short period of time. So I generally have a couple of them at a time, and not for the money...for my sanity. Having two, sometimes three jobs is the precise thing that keeps me interested in any one of them.

Is this good? Is this bad? I don't know. It is simply what I have done. It is how I have learned to "be" in this world. It pays my bills and validates my uniqueness.

I think about this a lot lately because I am examining a lot of choices as a seek to shape a new future for myself. This is something that, at this point...I don't think I would change. These are the conditions under which I thrive...why would I change what is working? It's hard enough work changing what doesn't....