Friday, October 23, 2009

Damned if you do, damned if you don't...


Actually my mother's downfall was pepperoncini's and Coca Cola. Alas they haven't done that study yet.

ADHD seems to lurk everywhere, both in and out of the womb, and whether you DO or DO NOT do all kinds of ridiculous/normal things.

I think about this a lot because I know for a fact that to add a child to my life as is would be an exercise in extreme self-torture. I already just barely hold everything together.

Add ordinary parenting worries to the extra worries that I would have as an ADHDer? I'm starting to think that my parents aren't joking when they say "we don't need grandchildren". I used to think it was reverse psychology, lol.

I know lots of ADHDers make perfectly decent parents, I just don't know if I would! I could have saved a lot of money on birth control if I had been diagnosed sooner and been able to have this conversation with myself at age 18 instead of age 34. Lord...thousands of dollars.

Self respect vs. Reality

Don't know how many of you read Penelope Trunk's "Brazen Careerist" but I do from time to time and I love it. In terms of blogging, Penelope has been there and done that, and she writes at times about VERY personal subjects, her exes, her sex life, her career, her co-workers and THEIR personal issues.

That's such a hard thing to figure out when you are blogging. What to write about and what to NOT write about. Especially when your basic focus and subject is extremely personal. Penelope has a list of do's and don't's for blog writing. Among them: don't blog anonymously (coughcough), be honest with people about what you are writing about them (coughcoughcough...I'm honest in general but really, most of the people I write about don't even know I HAVE a blog), and "know what not to write".

Uhhh. Well yeah, there are a few things I'm not going to go into detail about. But here's my complications...a) I'm writing about my journey through being diagnosed with and learning how to live with ADHD as an adult. That's not especially gentle territory. To make it so would be inherently dishonest. Is the devil in the details? It touches on every area of my life after all. b) (I really do abuse list-making, sorry) I do write anonymously. You know what I look like, and basically what I do...but I aside from a handful of people who "know" me, I'm anonymous and I don't really intend to start identifying myself literally. I happen to be lucky enough to have a "real name" that is so generic that even when I use it, people probably think I made it up, haha, so maybe identifying myself wouldn't really be very valuable anyway.

I've been thinking about this a lot because I've gotten into some very personal territory lately. I am very honest about my experiences, from my perspective anyway, because I feel that there is value in that. Are there points where honesty could undermine my aspiration to show people that adults with ADHD are productive, creative members of society? And perhaps my anonymity even undermines that...because there are aspects of my life that I don't discuss as much because they would serve to identify me pretty explicitly? I guess I just don't believe that my story is as useful in only two dimensions. I'm like that offline too get what you get. I know how to "play the game" when I have to, but really am only willing to play it for just so long if it means pretending to be someone or something that I'm not. Or something I believe is wrong.

And how to know what NOT to write. Sigh. What NOT to write. How does an ADHDer develop the discretion to not share too much...HAHA...that's a joke...lots of us know what not to say when we have the luxury of a written page and time for self-editing. It's in person that I sometimes say stupid crap that I shouldn't and even then people usually think I'm kidding. See...half the time people will think what they want about what you write or say anyway...and how can you control that?

I guess with Penelope as a mentor that gives me quite a bit of leeway, after all, she's the woman that was recently dragged like a carcass all over the internet for blogging her true feelings about having a miscarriage at work (don't ask, you can Google it and find out for yourself...if you ever wanted to see women eat each other alive, that's the post/comment thread for you).

But even Penelope didn't go into the detail of THAT. She didn't need to...people really flipped out over ONE SENTENCE that involved no explicit detail.

So...we have no control over what people think of us anyway. That right there is a lesson that anyone with ADHD or any other mental health issue for that matter, should really take to heart.

Got it.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


WHY MUST TV BE SO BORINGBORINGBORINGSTUPIDBORING!? I actually love television and I do like watching movies sometimes (though I cannot guarantee that I won't comment on them while they are in-progress). The commercials...they are two-fold evil. They interrupt (oh, actually they're three fold evil) the flow of the story, they indoctrinate the masses with visions of euphoric consumerism (yeah okay, not ADHD-related) and they are LOUD. THEY ARE LOUD. They are often the reason that I start doing the hand-flapping thing and saying "uhhhhhh....stopstop, make it stop, make it STOP" and the boyfriend and I begin the desperate scramble for the remote. If they come on and are loud and he happens to come into the room trying to talk to me at the same time...ouch...not fun for anyone involved...

Oh wait, four reasons...four reasons I hate them, they are also boring.

This is not because I didn't take the Vyvanse. They always bother me. The difference is that when I have taken the Vyvanse, I still notice the sound, and I then pick up the remote and stifle it. Today, it's more like an invading army assaulting me aurally. Rude and annoying...blah.

Yeah I found the remote but it's more fun to bitch about it...and then I noticed that it was really windy outside, and then I got some ice cream, and then I went to talk to my boyfriend, and then...WOW, it's really windy outside...and it took me a way long time to compose this email and the only reason I point this out is to demonstrate and memorialize the contrast between the posts (novels) I usually write and this short one, the third of the evening, and it took me as long as a long post because I am irritated, edgy, distracted and truly, feeling a bit juvenile.

Um...yeah, fuckit, I don't remember what else I was going to write, but I'll say this...uh...okay I'm not joking, I forget what I was going to write...OHOHOH...I'm memorializing this to remind myself what happens when I don't take meds. Haha...done.

oh yeah...that's what "normal" feels like in my brain

I didn't take the stimulant today. What fun.

Notice I punctuated that with a period, rather than something more zingy. I got a refresher on "oh yeah...I am usually really moody during the day...and my energy fluctuates a lot...and focusing takes work".

I'm glad I did it though, I mean stimulants are very "in and out" so it doesn't screw with you to not take it one day...and when you take them every day you start to feel like it's not doing anything, because you forgot how awesome it is to just let your brain run amok. So...I needed to remember what life is like without it.

The really lame part was that by noon I was thinking "damn, the medication DOES calm me and make me more productive...". But Vyvanse is a super long-acting med so I won't take it in the afternoon just in case I'm wired 'til China. I really had to commit to the experiment.

Oops...but grateful for the reminder.

Instead of spackling cracks, I'm gonna spackle yer big yap shut...

While I've always been a bit of an oddball, I feel like I used to be "better" at "appearing normal". I used to work so hard at it because I thought it was normal to have to do that, I guess. I think that part of what lead to me seeking diagnosis and treatment was the fact that I had a) pushed myself past my limits in terms of what I could successfully juggle and b) once I did, the cracks started to show.

Once I was aware of the cracks there was no turning back. that's not quite right either. I already WAS aware of the cracks, I just thought it was normal to spend so much energy spackling them over and realized there wasn't enough spackle in the universe to spackle these cracks, lol.

Thinking about this because I feel a little bit inside out lately. Like the conversation with the boyfriend where I announced that I was not listening and needed him to repeat. Like how I just explain to people up front now, that I really suck at remembering things, so if I don't have my notebook with me, they'll have to send me an email. (I'll learn to be more graceful over time, I'm sure, but lately I just "announce" things, more for myself than for others probably, haha.) And because I have been open about this process with family and friends, I now have a contingent who seem to feel it's their job to "comment" on it and share their opinions of what they see. But not in a helpful way. Not in a simple asking me if I need help with something kind of way. They comment. They comment again. I politely explain whatever it is they are commenting on...they comment again. I have a small growing list of people that I'm simply going to have to distance myself from for a little while so I can grow through this stage without their misguided commentary. (Ex: I have lost some weight because of the meds experiments, most of which I've gained back now...yesterday in the course of five minutes my father stated "Your pants are baggy." THREE TIMES. And then refused to listen to my explanation.) They don't want to actually hear what's going on, they just want to comment on it. I don't really care what is compelling them, or what they're getting from it. I'm too fragile and exposed right now to have to put up with it right now. I can't carry them, I'm working hard enough carrying myself.

And this inside out phase is very important for me to work through. And I need them to just shut the eff up about it.

If I don't learn to let go of all of those ways that I was hiding, and coping...I will never learn to live in a new way, and I can't just move through this with them blabbing. It's like...seriously, it's like when I was 14 and finally hit puberty and got a whole new body and my dad's comment on it was "you're fat all of a sudden". I weighed 125 lbs and I'm 5'4". I was not only not fat, but imagine how great that was for a young girl who was just thrust into a whole new body that she needed to get used to. Having this whole experience over again, but with my emotions and living habits this time? Not cool. And I don't have to put up with it this time. And I don't care that adult ADHD might even be HIS excuse for blurting out inappropriate shit all the time...I don't need to listen to that right now.

ANYWAY, my point is that I have had to let go of these old ways that I used to keep myself "reigned in" because really, they weren't working anymore anyway, I couldn't pretend anymore.

That's what brought me to asking for help. I wonder how many other adult ADHDers have a similar experience. Of holding things together, sort of, for years and years and years...I know that what drove me to seek help was a feeling that "everything was going to fall apart finally and I wasn't going to be able to stop it from happening". Probably ALL of us have some version of this experience, or indeed, we would have been diagnosed earlier (those of us who weren't dx'ed as kids anyway).

This stage now? It's me cleaning out the rest of the remnants, debriding the scars...and THEN, redecorating. Instead of pretending to be normal, I'm now simply figuring out what works for me and trying to throw out the term normal altogether.

I just bet that a lot of ADHDers have that experience, of realizing that for some reason you just couldn't hold it together...and that other people don't have to work as hard as you do, in order to hold things together.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Could you repeat the last five or uh, twenty sentences?

One of the issues that bothered/bothers me the most about ADHD is my inability to really stay engaged in conversations, despite my interest in the person talking, or the topic at hand. I hate it when I end up spending all of my energy trying to look like I'm paying attention.

Today, I am walking through the park with my boyfriend and I realize that I have missed about the last 5 sentences he was saying because I was truly elsewhere in my mind. I turned to him and said "wait, stop, go back...what are you talking about? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening through, like the last five...". He smiled and repeated his story, and basically after each sentence I had to repeat it back to him to make sure I was understanding what he was saying.

This cannot possibly be an improvement over my previous issue. BWAHAHAHA! There I am, saying to him "I wasn't listening". At least he laughed.

So we talked about it for a while...he suggested going the next step, at least with other people, which would be to more confidently use those "active listening skills" and thus make people feel like they're really interesting to you, and that that's why you're asking all of those questions (and leave out the "I wasn't listening to you" part, lol).

Times like this I have to remind myself that this is actually progress, after all. Before, I was a person who went to a mental health center because she was tired of living a lie, living a double life, and tired of working so hard to appear normal, trapped behind a smiling facade. Learning to converse like this is about freeing myself from that's about participating rather than pretending to. And it really is about truly connecting to people and what they are saying and why. My technique is a little clunky right now (or I'm just way too comfortable with the boyfriend, lol)...but I'll just keep working on it.

Monday, October 19, 2009

On the maplessness of medication...

I had someone ask me a few questions offline about meds. Of course, I can only address this question as someone who is currently a guinea pig, not as a medical professional. I'm addressing this in a post because I think others are often wondering the same things about trying meds...I know I do. Know too that I am writing as someone who is still searching for a good combo...I have only been on this road for about 6 months. Anyway, here goes:

Meds can hit everyone differently. Some people try meds and nothing happens. Some people, like me, try meds and EVERYTHING happens/the side effects kick me in the ass, and everything in between can happen too. This fact can make it a little hard to feel like you really know if they are "doing something" or "doing what they're suppposed to do".

When you are a really busy person, it makes it even harder to tell, because you might have so many things coming at you at once that it's hard to know if you're coming or going, nevermind if your meds are "working".

Also consider that if you are taking meds, but not doing therapy, you may be slapping a band-aid on a broken leg. You could be so used to hobbling around on the leg that you don't really see that the band-aid is not changing your relationship with that leg. Once you heal the leg the band-aid might be helpful for more cosmetic issues...which is what it is meant for, but band-aids don't fix broken legs. You can't use something for a purpose that it was not intended for, and them blame "it".

All of that said, in my experience, it seems like the stimulants are pretty straightforward drugs. seems to me that based on my own experience and what I've read of others' experiences, IF you are having an effect from a stimulant medication, you will KNOW it. Either a particular drug will "work" for you or it won't. And for me that means I get an intense and pleasant state of focus where my brain just chills out, and my thoughts slow down a bit, and I can just keep working away without the distraction of "thoughtsplosions". There is nothing subtle about it, it is absolutely obvious that the focus is occurring. The other effect I seem to have with a stimulant (currently, for me, that means Vyvanse) is a very particular feeling of calm. Clear, light calm. It does not make me feel heavy, or speedy, in fact it's like a breeze blowing across my brain, making my energy focus a bit, and allowing me to just "do" whatever it is that I'm doing. It also puts me in a really good, light mood. Sometimes this can make me just a tiny bit oblivious about things going on around me while I'm working, but it does make me more productive so I consider this a good thing, and I can switch to focusing on something new without feeling grumpy. Again...there is nothing unmistakeable about this sensation.

Within these sensations, I still have to choose to make better decisions about how I spend my time, and what I blow all that focus on, and sometimes my choices are better than others. If you are taking a stimulant and truly do not notice any difference, I would go back to your prescriber, give them this information, and see what they say. The good news about stimulants is that there are several of them these you can try others if the first ones you try don't seem to "do" anything.

The only other drugs I have experience with are anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. I get the sense from reading other people's experiences that working with these drugs (mostly SSRI's, SNRI's and the like) tends to be a much more subtle experience. Allegedly, it takes a little longer to see a result, during which time some interesting side-effects might pop up. In other words, you're not likely to take one dose of one of these types of drugs and magically feel like a whole new better you. It could be more like 4-6 weeks before you settle on a good dose. If you're like me, that could be a totally different experience...I have been "hit" by these drugs within an hour, and not in a good way, lol, BUT, most people, thankfully, are not that med-sensitive, so I would hardly report my experience as representative.

I have taken Strattera (an SNRI), Citalopram (generic for Celexa, an SSRI) and Mirtazapine (generic for Remeron, a tetracyclic antidepressant). Other than Strattera, they are not really intended for improving focus...I take them for generalized anxiety. Strattera gave me some cool focus, but was a little heavy for me that it actually made my mood feel a little "heavy". The focus was also not very consistent. This was a much wishy-washier experience than the stimulant. It did calm me down, and that, I liked, but overall, I tried it for a looong time, and it just didn't pan out.

Citalopram was another barrel of monkeys entirely...I've already blogged about that, but I will say this...whatever it was doing, for me, was not good for a lot of reasons, and it was REALLY OBVIOUS.

Remeron, now that I'm on a smaller dose, seems to be adjusting to me quickly, and this is giving me hope that I will be able to find a dosage of it in the next couple of week that will give me some real benefit.

When a med isn't working (or is "doing" something lame!) there are a lot of things that could be wrong. Wrong dosage, wrong drug for you, wrong diagnosis. The best way to address it is always by giving a prescriber and a therapist, if you have one, as much honest information about how things are going for you as possible, so they can help you figure it out.

So final summary, in my experience...seems like if a stimulant is "doing" something you will feel it. If you don't, might mean you need more of it, might mean you need to try something different.

Anti-depressants are more subtle and take their time. Again, if you feel no effect after a few weeks, tell your prescriber. If bad things are happening, then tell them that too, and right away so they can help you if there's a problem.

After you try a few, you will start to develop your own "map" in your head about "if" something is happening. And definitely ask your prescriber lots and lots of questions about each drug.

Lastly...if you're like me and your life is way too busy, do yourself a favor and take a few things off your plate so that you don't have a ton of stuff adding to your stress and making it harder for you to be able to "see" if anything is happening. Seriously...I am a terrible role model for that, but I'm trying...I really am, and I swear it's worth it.

Gonna go work on that one right now...

The family business: turning shit to gold

My mother calls me and says "you just don't seem like you and it worries me!". NO SHIT. I tuck my blunt thoughts back in my pocket and say, calmly, "well, I'm not arguing with you there. But what do you think it is, I don't quite get what you're saying to me". She can't quite describe it. She just knows that I don't seem like me...and she alludes to the fact that I used to be able to juggle so many things with so much less stress.

Oh lord. I say, "exactly...and it wasn't healthy". I say "I am taking medication and going to therapy and it's letting me see reality for the first time and it's stressful! ". "But you can't continue like that", she says. ", I'm not arguing with you, I agree." But I also can't control the fact that I'm suffering through an unprecedented onslaught of stress inducing factors right now, precisely at the moment that I am having this newly minted, clarity. She questions if the meds are working...unfortunately they indeed seem to be working, or at least doing what they should be doing at this point. She's not convinced. I asked if there was anything in particular that she was worried about. "Well you're talking so fast, and you're so intense, and you're so stressed". Well...yes, she's right. Unfortunately these things were all true before I sought treatment. I was just more able to gloss over the details of life because...I didn't care! Or didn't notice! Or couldn't deal with them so I ignored them!

Now, I'm living the same life, but I'm seeing the painful detail. And the meds? Well honestly the Vyvanse calms me, and the Remeron...the side effects seem to have mostly gone away. If anything I probably need to go up in dosage to be able to see if it will "do its thing". I fear that if I stopped taking the meds right now? I would still be painfully aware of my newfound clarity on the issue of chaos, and what it is, and what it isn't, and what I'm willing to put up with...I would just be even less calm about it, haha.

Mom grew up under extremely, constantly stressful circumstances. As a result, she doesn't have a very firm boundary between other people's emotional states and her own. Even now, when I'm having an emotionally expressive moment she immediately acts to control the situation or define it as somehow negative so that she can make sense of it. And unfortunately when you start trying to control other people's see how weird that territory could get. As a result, even though she spent many years as a clinical social worker (and a fine one by all accounts) I don't totally trust her when it comes to evaluating my mental state. she is telling me her opinion, with genuine concern. And truly...I appreciate my family members' input on these things, I just also know to take it all with a grain of salt. I'm agreeing with her, but she thinks (in fact hopes ) that I'm disagreeing...because that would be far more comfortable than having to acknowledge that I'm legitimately having a hard time right now. Awkward, but nothing I can change. Tomorrow I'll talk to my prescriber and hopefully we'll come up with something useful to address the things in life that are mine to address.

In the meantime, I'd like to discuss the family business. No no, not the family business I discussed in my last post. I mean THE family business. Because I am the first person on either side of my family to truly refuse to go into the family business...and really...THAT is what the conversation with my mum was about.

My family, on both sides, are experts in chaos creation. They specialize in the manufacture of chaos, wackiness, and for some, an altered version of reality. They're all pretty amiable and funny, and smart and interesting...until you suddenly realize you're in the middle of someone else's chaos-producing agenda that they may not even realize they are having, which makes it even less comfortable to behold. I feel I can also say with pretty high confidence that many members of my family, on both sides, are living with OCD, ADHD, bipolar disorder and other related issues, which doesn't help, and may start to explain some of the seemingly inexplicable chaos that marks the lives of generations of our family.

Of four uncles on one side of the family, three were alcoholics or drug addicts. My grandfather on that side was a heavy drinker. He also, very likely, had a severe anxiety disorder. Various female relatives on that same side of the family have had problems with prescription drugs, alcohol, psychiatric hospitalizations, possible bipolar disorder, and a few others quirks. Unfortunately, in my generation the tradition continues, in various ways.

On the other side of the family I have 6 aunts...all of them married either a child molester, drug/alcohol addict, or wife beater. The family tall-tale telling habit runs in degrees throughout, from amusing storytelling, to manipulative and habitual outright lying. I don't see much difference between the two myself. Even "storytelling", when it involves stretching the truth, qualifies as lying in my book. I've had disagreements with family members about it...but like I said, I'm not much interested in the family business. I accept it...I acknowledge it...but I refuse to engage it, trust it, or relive it.

So. Here I am talking with my mother. Knowing that it must be hard for her to see me moving yet further away from "the family business" because to her, that is what is familiar. I truly believe that both of my parents have "the ADHD gene" or something very similar that I am not able to distinguish because THAT really isn't my business either. But I am taking these demons by the horns and saying no for myself anyway. They know they have the option to do that for themselves. Only they can decide if it's something they want to pursue.

So I turn my back on the "family chaos business"...and she chooses to remain at this time, as is her right. I won't say that it creates least not for me, because I know that what I'm doing for myself is good. There's a few awkward spaces between the words though, when we talk like this. As much as I want their support, sometimes I see that it's really better for me to cut the cord for a bit and take my space.

A few years ago mom's brother, a young man, committed suicide after a lifetime of doing battle with anxiety, depression, alcohol, drugs and codependency. On top of her general emotion phobia, I know this weighs heavily on her mind, and worries her just a little extra when she knows that one of us is having a hard time. What she doesn't seem to be able to that by going through what I'm going through, I am actually doing direct battle with evils that have devoured generations of my family. I refuse to be eaten alive by preventable disease.

You can't turn shit to gold. I have watched generations of my family try. I would rather just turn and stare the shit in the face, roll in it, get to know it really well, and then figure out what to do with it. I can fertilize all kinds of good stuff with processed shit, right?

I had a dream after my uncle died, that we were all together without him, standing on the land that my grandfather used to tend as a garden. As they all talked about "what to do" and made proclamations at each other, instead of listening to one another, I stood separately, and laid myself face down in the green grass of the overgrown garden plot...and outstretched my arms, and just soaked in the energy of the earth, because I knew that this land was the dirt that had brought us all here, that the garden was one positive thing in all of our lives, and that land had been left untended. I just lay there, face down, wanting nothing more than to reclaim that land, and make it my own, and truly give it the nourishment that it deserved.

Here I am, finally. Letting shit simply be shit, and learning how to make beautiful things grow from it--while the rest of my family wanders around me, offering themselves up as sacrifices. I'll keep them company, if they can stand my smell...but I won't offer myself up that way. Call me selfish, but I won't do it.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I am going to bed right now...

...and I am getting up tomorrow at 8 AM. To be at work by 9.


And people think ADHDers are impaired...

I was really angry at my dad's employees this week, at this point all of them FORMER employees because as of last week, the last batch either quit or were fired. On days like this, suddenly I can see that I would way rather have ADHD than a tragic lack of work ethic.

I understand that he can be baffling to work for, precisely because he has ADHD. (he is not diagnosed, but he is a posted child for the still hyperactive adult...hmmm...wonder where I got it). So many people have this stupid idea about what a boss is supposed to be. It was clear that in these people's minds', the Boss is the person that's supposed to be organized and in charge so the rest of us have the luxury of acting like babies and waiting for someone to wipe our asses for us so that we can blame them when things don't work instead of ourselves, right? That's the kind of employees he has had. For years. And it makes me sick. The boss is the boss, period. And decide what the boss IS or IS NOT is not really in your job description. Just DO the job that was clearly explained to you when you were hired!

Whether or not you are enlightened to the charms of ADHD, if the Boss is an idea person, then be the detail person! You can sit there bitching all day about how the Boss isn't what you think the Boss should be and be miserable, or you can just get the job done. I'm not saying people should just unquestioningly bow to authority...I'm the biggest authority questioner there is...and I don't kiss asses when I don't agree. I have given many bosses a piece of my mind when I feel they have asked me to push lines of ethics/morals or performance that I simply do not agree with. But I "get" my dad and how he operates, and I also accept that he just isn't certain things. And guess's HIS business and he signs the paychecks, so who gives a crap...and if you don't feel like it's a good fit for you? LEAVE! You know, like a big kid!

Just to clarify what we've been dealing with here, an example. I believe the oft-quote refrain was "That's not my job.".'re a chef...and uh...that's food...and uh...the food has to be prepared for human consumption so...I guess it's probably your job? Or perhaps you would like to wash a floor, because every individual in the shop is supposed to assist with cleaning on a daily basis...oh...wait, you sort of forgot that this was specifically laid out when you began working here...uh...okay. OHOHOH, I know, what about helping guests select food options for their events because you know, you went to chef school to learn that because that's something that chef's are trained to're more comfortable glaring at customers and making sure that they know that you hate them...great. Why are you here again? Funny how when you keep telling people what your job isn't...and all of those things fit the description of the job you were hired to get fired! missed the memo about how when you work in a small business you need to be adaptable and responsive to pretty much anything that could come up? Oh. Well good luck in the real world where most chefs are way bitchier, meaner and full of themselves than my father, and you'll probably get your legs chewed off.

I just go in and do whatever it is that needs to be done to make the big picture happen, and that's what I have done for several days because we have had to create a bubble around dad, because he looked like he was going to keel over, and the business cannot operate without him. I do the same thing for my boss at the law office, because I "get" HIS ADHD work habits (or lack thereof) too. (Plus, I have my OWN businesses where I can be the boss, so I don't need to be the boss of them.) I feel very protective of them both and it makes me very upset to see lazy, self-centered, judgmental people hurt them by doing a half-assed job, and then blaming "The Boss" for it.

My father is an extremely talented and award-winning pastry chef. My boss is an extremely intelligent attorney, and a nationally known trailblazer in his area of the law. And both of them have to deal with these fuckers who can only see the ADHD, and can't appreciate their stunning talents. These people should feel grateful for the chance to learn something from them, to have their minds opened by exposure to individuals who literally make people see the world in new ways (and not just me, haha). But they don't...and they actively work to make their lives harder instead.

It hurts me to see people so lacking understanding of people who biochemically...are just like me. There but for the grace of God go I. Seeing people treat them that way makes me angry, it makes me sad, it makes me afraid that people see ME that also makes me delight that I might be able to give these jerks a reference down the road and go "nope, would NEVER hire this person again, not for a million dollars and a one way ticket to fame and fortune".

I'm not always terrific at consistency with being the detail person myself, but at least I "get" the big picture and can delegate to make sure the job is done. And both dad AND the attorney get that, and appreciate my help, because they know I won't let them fall on their asses.

I know I don't want to keep myself from my own achievements by trying to save my fellow my heart I know that I would rather clean 1000 toilets and floors for my father if it makes his heart less heavy to come work in the morning in a clean shop. And I would rather draft 1000 boring motions for my lawyer boss...than spend one minute wasting my time working for anyone with the small minds of these idiots. At least they're all fired or quit now so we don't have to deal with them anymore. And we'll work to hire new people, so that me, and mom and sis can get back to crafting our own dreams.

Clean slate. Heavy heart...

Is this what people think of us? And do I CARE? Yes, yes I do care. And that's part of why I have this blog, and why I am VERY open about my ADHD with people.

Because I refuse to let the perceptions of these kind of asshats shape public opinion of people like me.

Some people need to grow a work ethic and get over themselves.

Blog As Lifeline: A summary of the path to insanity

To the person who asked me a specific question that I haven't answered yet, I will shortly, never fear. To regular readers: I apologize...a lot of the beginning of this is just a summary of mi vida loca...but bear with me...because the point is really the product of these details...

I am seriously at my wit's end here, and literally the only productive thing I can do right now, is write a blog post. That's a pretty sad state of affairs but...I'll give you the briefest play by play possible of the last 6 months of my life and I think you'll see exactly where I'm coming from.

  • In May of this year a flashbulb finally went on in my brain "oh shit...I think I have something wrong with my brain, maybe ADHD". Diagnosis followed, and the experiment called working my ass off to learn how to live life in a new way began.
  • My life is a totally mixed ADHD bag of brilliant achievements and baffling failures...
  • My obligations list...I just can't even go there right now. It's too long, that's all you need to know.
  • I can't do anything about the list until some of the items on it naturally expire.
  • Then I had medications kick me in the ass, and flush my precarious balance down the toilet...three times in six months.
  • I finally said "THAT IS IT", and decided that I did, indeed, need to take a week off from work and school so that I could get my head and planning screwed back on straight, to make it through all of this...and that was great until...
  • My parent's business had an unexpected and dire crisis last week and going forward that had to be dealt with...but now I feel worse than I did when I declared that it was time for a week off. And when I made THAT declaration I was in the middle of what was essentially a four day long panic attack.
  • Then I accidentally forgot about a work shift because my life is insane and I didn't have access to my online calendar..and I decided "THAT'S IT! I'm FIGURING OUT HOW TO HAVE A CALENDAR AND ORGANIZING TOOLS ON ME AT ALL TIMES...I AM TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE!!! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS MADNESS! ".
  • So I ordered an iPhone...which arrived late...was difficult to figure out how to set up...and...oh, I'll get back to this in a minute.
  • And just to remind you, for these last several months I have also worked HARD on personal organizing and book-keeping...
  • And discovered that taking drugs that WORK for ADHD actually can make life more miserable in the short term because suddenly you can SEE crazy distractions like none other.
  • Now, let me tell you about the iPhone. OH WAIT...I forgot one other awesome fact that I have not mentioned nowhere else in this financial aid check is two months late. The University screwed it up about three different ways and didn't bother to let me know anything was wrong when I called their office a handful of times to find out what in the hell was going on, so I haven't REALLY and truly been able to pay my bills. I called and went nuts on them. They allegedly sent it out on Friday. I am not holding my breath.
  • I'm so stressed and frustrated at how the more I try to learn new things, and the more I work to eliminate stress from my life, and the more I exercise responsible choices...the more my life is falling apart.
Are you ready for this? I finally got the iPhone all suited up for action because I figured hey, what's the most productive thing I can do right now; that will only HELP me. Got it all ready and looked up some organizing apps...

And, now presenting, the ends of the earth, where my sanity is about take a long was off a short pier...the password for the router is missing. It's been in the same spot for months and it's gone.

This week, the tidying boyfriend from hell has been moving some of my shit around. I've told him before that at the very least, he should not put himself in a position of being blamed by me if things are screwed because he moved my stuff....

I tried waking him up (it's 3:30AM right now). Twice. He has no clue where the password is.

I cannot even take the tiniest step to organize myself, to help myself feel better in the midst of this craziness. I am utterly powerless, it seems, to make my life not suck, because the harder I try...the more everything else that I do NOT have power to change rolls in to fuck me.


I'm not suicidal...I'm not even depressed...but I can't take this anymore. I cannot, take this, any, more. I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE. The next person that asks me for anything is getting hung up on. The next time my boyfriend moves my stuff the ultimatum is never again, or move out, because I CANNOT HANDLE THAT ANYMORE EITHER.

I have spent half of the night hysterical and sobbing because some a-hole lost a password for my one lifeline. Currently, my only lifeline.

I am so disgusted with my world right now. Utterly defeated, frustrated.