The "Hard" Stuff

Talked to my NP and he and I agreed that I should be getting way more bang for my buck if I'm going to keep seeing "Mr. Strattera". And so, I broke up with the crazy Italian today. I have a new prescription AND a second diagnosis...anxiety. Ha...didn't really need to make that official to know it was true. But I wanted to wait to remove some of the external stressors from my life before making the decision to treat it with medication. Stressors reduced and I'm still my pleasantly anxious self...

So tonight, I had a dinner of Chinese cashew chicken, potstickers, and 10 mg of Citalopram for the anxiety. Tomorrow I get the "hard" stuff, Vyvanse. A stimulant...will be interesting to see where THAT goes...

In the meantime, the Celexa doesn't seem to be steamrolling me like the Strattera did at first...it really is like starting a new relationship...the anticipation of good things to come...the excitement and anxiety of the unknown...fear of failure...and feeling things you've never felt before! Oh sigh...

Trials and Errors

Today was a day of triumphs and frustrations. Triumph because I thoroughly enjoyed sharing my insights on arts event planning with a community mental health peer support group here in town.

Frustrating because in a moment of clarity at the office, I snapped back to the present moment and found myself mid-pace...realized I'd been pacing around the office like a feral cat for a good several minutes while my mind darted from one insistent topic to another. I manually shifted and steered myself back to my desk to reflect and realized that for over a week my mind has been flitting nakedly about, as though medication were simply water. I did the only thing I could do...spent a few minutes making a list of the things that had been bothering me for the past week-ish.

Then I left a message for the NP...time to check in. Right before the bouncing had set back in, I'd visited him and we'd both been pleased with how calm I was seeming, my constant fidgeting non-existent, my mind clicking along at a respectable but manageable pace, and my stomach settled. Things were going so well that my next appointment was set for two months from now. And I'm able to be patient about medication. I know it isn't always perfect and you have to take things like hormones and simple "bad days" into account, which is why I hadn't called him before...but a whole week or so of this...a little exhausting. A little discouraging, although what good does it really do to dwell on that. I'll talk to the NP when he calls back tomorrow and figure out what to do. I'm pretty well informed and comfortable about making decisions for myself, but am also grateful to have a decent guide along for the ride.

The hardest part of this, I think...is that before I took medication I was used to feeling this way. I'm not used to it anymore, so when it happens, I really don't enjoy it. Those racing thoughts...ugh. Honestly, on medication I still get enough fun, wild ideas, I'm not one of those people who feels freer off the meds, I feel freer ON them. When they're working, of course.

At least tomorrow my biggest plan is going to the beach. My mind can do whatever it wants.

Peer Support: Preparing

I am preparing to meet with a mental health peer support group tomorrow, mid-day. This is an exciting opportunity. Speaking to people about art/creativity and its interrelation with mental health issues is a very relevant subject for me personally, but helping others with information to set up resources that will help heal other people...priceless stuff.

I will have to edit my thoughts, but first, am letting myself go wild and write down everything relevant. It's an informal meeting but I always prefer to be over, rather than under-prepared...and hey, brainstorming is the most ADHD friendly part of the planning process, right? Hog wild, here I come!

I really believe that creative pursuits are one of the best tools for helping people make sense of the world around them. Certainly is for me :)

I need to keep working on my brainstorming though...so...