When high functioning becomes low functioning

Uhhh. Alright. Where to start with this one.

I am what pretty much anyone would consider a "high-functioning ADHDer". Whatever that means. I mean really...am I really functioning particularly well if I'm coping myself through life with self-destruction? Yeah...not so much.

Anyway...so here I am, a person with ADHD who has begun to try to unravel the coping mechanisms that brought her to this point. The stuff that I do that lets me get the work done...but also hurts my health and psychological wellness. I work too much, too long, too often, I overcommit, I mimic OCD, I have no respect for my own boundaries. I have terrible self esteem because I feel out of place, so I don't respect my own boundaries and I only recently have I begun to actually believe, really and truly, that I'm a smart person...too many humiliating timed tests in school when you can't concentrate will do that to a person. But blahblahblah, back here in the present, I am in a very, very weird position, for the first time in my life.

An interesting note about stimulant medication...that will set the stage.

When you have spent your life with a racing, impulsive mind that won't shut off...stimulant medication is both a miracle...and also, I speculate, just like giving a person who has been deaf for a lifetime a hearing aid. Fascinating and painful.

Now that I have had a taste of calm in my mind, I have no tolerance for chaos.

Now that I see the spaces between things, I want to honor instead of accidentally fill them.

When I began this process of treating my ADHD, when people would ask me questions like "are you easily distracted" or "are you bothered by distractions" I would have said no. Because, I now realize, I didn't even know what distractions were! I just thought my environment was filled with magical discoveries all day long! I was pulled to each with equal enthusiasm, and not bothered, not one fucking bit. I loved them, I indulged them, I juggled them with virtuosity (while, um, managing my MUST DO list much less well, yes, I'll be honest). I wasn't bothered by coworkers...I would migrate from office to office all day long, gathering information and sharing my neurotic musings on life on anyone willing to engage me. (Yes...I was THAT coworker. I'll apologize for my cubicle wandering brethren. We really can't help ourselves, but I'm sure you knew that.)

Oh I somehow got my work done...and it was boring as hell...and...I would have to work extra hours to get it done because the shine had worn off after about two months, if that...but I didn't mind. For years I didn't mind, even though it was obvious that my work habits looked nothing like anyone else's in the office no matter what office I worked in. When I needed to work I would bury myself in my office for hours with the lights off, and headphones on, to eliminate these things I did not consider distractions, so I could just focus...and all day...actually THIS was pretty annoying, people would come by and flip the light on going "oh, your light is off" as if it seemed impossible that someone could need the light off to work. I finally trained them to leave the light the frig alone. I knew that I truly could NOT work without the headphones and the low light. I knew that much at least about the light, by the 3rd grade...but still, I did not really know what distractions were. Because to me, it was totally normal to be assaulted by my environment.

I also became that employee that has no boundaries between work and home. You see, my unconventional ways of working made me very self-conscious, and like I always had to say yes...or volunteer, when a boss needed someone to do something early in the morning/late at night/insane. Good stuff. Good for job security, makes bosses more able to see past the fact that you are always late for meetings, and for that matter, always sneaking in late from downstairs in the morning...but bad for a lot of other reasons...but again, all of this, to me, was normal.

Enter Vyvanse. Exit problems with anti-depressants. Enter...enter...holy shit! I see order in the universe! I see space between breaths! I see London, I see France, I see intolerance for distraction...bwahahaha! What the frig?!

No seriously...what the frig?! Oh no, I know that stimulants can cause people to be agitated and angry, and I'm pretty sure that's not what's going on...because I'm not angry. I'm pretty frustrated though...and I really want to simplify my life. I think the problem is this...I can see NORMAL now. And I actually don't mind it. And I actually want to work within it.

The problem is that I chose this life, and all of the people, and things, and evils of the world in it...when I didn't know how to recognize distraction for what it truly is. When I accepted chaos for normal. When I was happy and able to bounce through life like a superball.

Vyvanse helps me slow down...I can sit and work for hours...but I'm fighting with all of these factors that if given the choice now, I would probably never choose, because I would recognize that they are all frickin' nuts.

This made me think two things...1) sometimes high functioning is low functioning. If you have a hard time getting motivated...you might get some medication and start making what they call progress...toward trying some new things, etcetc... but if you are already flying through life at a quick and dirty speed of light...and have found ways to cope yourself into submission...and you know that if you let go for one second you could lose hold of everything...it makes it harder to let go...harder to make progress, perhaps, in a way (or maybe just equally hard)...because you have to let go...and lose control...a let some of the loose pieces fly away...before you can RE-learn your surroundings, and what they are, and what they mean, and write yourself a new map of behaiors to cope.

2) I am going to proceed with the "plan" that I'm on, even though it's uncomfortable right now, and even though it may create total war between me and every other influence in my current life.

For example...I do like my primary job. I do love my ADHD boss. But yesterday, as I just kept trying to finish one particular task, and had spent half the morning looking for a file, and had asked the two other people in the office twice, if they had seen it anywhere, and everyone was talking over everyone, and no file was in sight, and the phone kept ringing, I finally blew a cork. I had selected this task as one that I wasnted to finish and for three hours had battled my environment over it. It sounded something like this, as I stood between the two of them "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MCCARTHY FILE?!". Silence. Then one of them ran to the other room, found it, and brought it back, and I finished my task. Am I going to have to go work in a cubicle???

Maybe this is just a case of "it gets worse before it gets better". Okay...I'll try a little longer.

No, I swear to god it's not meds induced rage. I have two jobs, two side-businesses, one of which involves managing a herd of artists, two parents who ABSOLUTELY have ADHD, a very public life, I'm a full time grad student, a boss with ADHD, and some relationship issues we are working through. I am also helping my parents with the family business for the next little while because of an unexpected issue. I have had three meds changes in 6 months, some of which have gone VERY badly and made it impossible for me to think to the point where I now have to delay graduation until next semester. In general, I choose quirky environments and quirky people to exist with. And on top of all of this, I am trying to relearn how to "do life".

This life would give anyone rage. Just add Vyvanse, so that I finally have the clarity to distinguish chaos from calm, truth from ADHD bullshitting, the acuity to actually SEE distractions for what they are instead of following them like a trail of candy...and the power to just barely begin to make different choices? Yeah...I'm a little frustrated, SUPER cranky, and popping an occasional cork.

Other than that, I feel great. But never has high functioning felt so, so low functioning.

10 Minute Rule, My Ass

I went to visit my therapist today and I hate her because she did her job.

I'd remarked that I had found myself at that lovely point where I was being very vigilant and aware of the habits I should not be indulging anymore, including anxiety-stoking and over-commitment ensuring...had gotten used to knowing when to tuck my impulsivity into an inner pocket instead of wearing it on my lapel and letting it call the shots (pow! pow!). And that armed with that knowledge I'm a bit stuck, and stressed, because I don't know how else to move forward.

So she handed me a sheet or two of paper, stapled together. They say things like "Quick Effective Daily Organization at Work" and "Tools You Can Use Today" and "Scheduling".

We didn't go over it together, she wanted me to check it out on my own first, probably because she knows that if left to my own devices, with just a small amount of prompting, I will torture myself far better than she ever could...I eyeballed it when I got out to my car. As I read it, my core began to degrade. A brown dwarf in my gut. When stars deteriorate they transform through several stages (brown dwarf is one of them; Dewey Decimal # 520, stars...uh, yeah, anyway...). Oh I'm aware that whatever stage I'M in is actually taking me in a positive direction even if I feel like crap right now. But my gut doesn't know that...and it feels like it is imploding., thanks to these two little white pages...matter becoming so dense that a spoonful would be too heavy to lift, as I read phrases like "10 Minute Rule!" and "Use A Timer" on the sheet before my eyes.

By the time I got home and was trying to explain this to my boyfriend, my voice had raised two octaves, the lead had already solidified in my core, I was overcome by the repetitive OCD-like gestures that I succumb to when under enormous stress and I was only speaking in partial sentences like "it's bad...it's bad...I hate my therapist"...which unfortunately had the boyfriend laughing. "But you love the therapist." he says. "No...hate her." I say.

I hand him the sheets of paper. He says "Oh cool! Ways to organize yourself...oh hey, what are all these notes in the margins...". I squeak out "...hate therapist. Stupid papers. Stupid 10 MINUTE RULE! STUPID TIMERS! STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID! ...made notes...eeeeehhhhhhhhh...about hating 10 minutes rules, timers and therapists and fuckyou".

Clutching my stomach I wander around the dining room finally landing on a chair.

There's just no logical or reasonable way to explain this so I'm just going to let the ADHD do the talking for a minute...and she doesn't use punctuation or grammar very well so bear with us:

Can't do ten minute rule 'cause that is the LONGEST INCREMENT OF TIME IN THE UNIVERSE...I already work hard and get shit done, leave me the FRIG ALONE...jumping from one task to another in 1-2 minute intervals, that is how I GET IT DONE people...ten minutes, what kinda sick shit is that, ten minutes...ten minutes where I'll be thinking about what ten minutes means, and then thinking about the meaning of life as it relates to...wait, ten minutes...did I set a timer...okay look, don't even...timers, timers my ass, the only good thing (?)... just kidding, NOTHING GOOD ABOUT TIMERS timers are for stupid people who can't concentrate and I GET LOTS OF WORK DONE so leave me alone, and let me do something fun, that's the only thing i use timers for is screenprinting because I have to heat set the ink and you have to have a timer for that and you know what I do because I get so bored waiting for the THREE MINUTE timer to go off, I flippin' heat set 5-6 things at one time so can rotate through them until that looooooong THREE MINUTE timer goes off and while I'm doing it I'm thinking about inks and then I put the iron down because I have emails to send and if I don't write it down I'll forget so I'm looking for my notebook and there's the computer...oh wait, gotta finish the heat-setting...run back to ironing board, timer, timer, timer....TEN MINUTES is she joking that's like flashback to me being the classroom math retard who couldn't finish more than two math problems on a timed test because I couldn't think, and I couldn't fuckfuckfuckfuck timers...I punched a kid once because he made fun of me for being slow while the timer was on...uhhhh...ehhhhh....brown dwarf in the belly and universe on the shoulders...crap, I can't waste time thinking about this, I have THINGS TO DO and I have to KEEP MOVING TO DO THEM, and I just thought of 8 more things I need to DODODO...take your timer and shove it up your Amsterdam!

Okay...taking the pencil out of math-retard-girl's hands for a minute here, I think she needs to cool down, but at least now you have a taste of a) my double life with crunchy, sweet, spunky, seemingly together cookie on the outside, and friggin' stressed out 800MPH ADHD girl smooshing out the sides from the middle with the cookie girl just barely holding her in. And b) you see, clearly, that ADHD girl is a little stressed out right now. She's so stressed out I have to refer to her as "other" instead of as "self" right now and I'm sure that my thoroughly evil yet very effective therapist would have a heyday with that one...WILL have a heyday because I'll have to print this blog post for her to express myself next week instead of reliving the explanation because even THAT is too stressful.

And you KNOW she's gonna ask me about what I thought about those damn sheets of paper. And I'm gonna shove my iPhone right up her ass.

(Pause)

Okay fine, ADHD girl wants me to shove my iPhone up her ass, but I won't, because when I'm done freaking out maybe I'll try like .5 of one of these "new things". You know why? Okay, a couple of reasons. First being that I am very stubborn and hate to let my anxiety make decisions for me because I know I will regret it later if I do and I don't try new things. Which makes it into a game. Second...I have this blog and weirdly, it makes me feel really accountable to not just myself, but to others as well. Makes me feel like me and smooshy-ADHD-math-retard-girl-who-has-timer-phobia-because-they-make-her-feel-stupid-and-afraid-she-will-fail owe it to our audience to at least TRY new things, and least TRY to deal with ADHD in constructive ways instead of the same old ways. Plus, if the "same old" was working...I wouldn't have sought diagnosis in the first place. I was heading for a heart attack at 50.

Furthermore, clearly, while ADHD-girls feelings are TOTALLY valid...you read her shit...she should NOT be the one making all the decisions around here. Crunchy cookie girl will make the final call...but she'll be nice to ADHD-girl for a little while longer to get the hell-fire out of her gut and clear the way for something new. Something along the lines of surrendering to change.

The thought of which, right now, kinda makes me want to puke, so I'm gonna just stop writing while I'm ahead.

NEW TOY! NEW TOY! NEW TOY!

After I wrote my last post about my CRAP-tastic weekend, I went searching about, compared some reviews and voila: I was due for an upgrade on my cell phone...and we already have AT&T...and if you are even halfway hip to technology I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I ORDERED AN iPHONE! It arrives Thursday, and I am counting the minutes (at least until I am distracted by something more fun, or more delicious...and delicious could be very tempting right about now).

No, I am not worried about this becoming a problem distraction. I actually don't like being "tied to a phone"--the cell phone I already have gives me massive anxiety (long story...I'll tell it another time). I am MUCH more likely to get distracted on the computer. But I can't do everything on the iPhone that I can do on the computer anyway, so I don't anticipate unholy iPhone love rearing an ugly head or anything. Whatever...on Thursday when it arrives, I'll find out for sure if any of this logic makes sense or if it's just ADHD-think making craziness seem logical if not downright reasonable.

I am relieved by this purchase actually because in "my line of work" (one of them anyway...okay really all of them, but one slightly more than the others...jeesus, who let OCD girl in here today...) I need to be able to answer questions for people about things like "scheduling" and "availability" on the spot, and I always have to say to them "you know what, the best thing to do is to send me an email, and I will respond as soon as I get your message". That way, THEY are responsible for helping me to remember, lol...and I'm not sure that's the most proactive customer service technique, but it has worked thus far with all faces still smiling (at least while they're looking at each other).

Life was good...or uh, at least functioning...until the great Columbus Day Scheduling Massacre that I just went through. And then, with customers asking me questions about "scheduling" and "availability" this weekend, on top of everything else...godblessthem, I love my customers...but I pretty much just wanted to origami myself inside out to disguise my appearance, and run for the hills, all anger and angles.

Clearly the "have your people email my people" method results in MORE EMAIL, so this method, depensing on who you are can skew, oddly, to the "better for the sender than the receiver" end of things. And I'm gravely serious when I say that I DO NOT need to recieve any more emails in my inbox (in my FOUR separate inboxes that is, which all relate to different aspects of my life...I had to have separate boxes or I would have blown a fuse). I will now be able to answer very specific questions on the spot, and make quick scheduling changes on the spot...which will save me from having to answer a few dozen emails each week.

What am I going to do with myself when I've got 24-36 fewer emails coming through a very particular inbox in a week?

Well geez, I'm creative, I'll think of something. Or I will INTENTIONALLY try not to DO anything (I think my therapist would vote for that). Or stare at those fish on my blog sidebar until the next Great American ADHD Brilliant Idea Of The Day comes along to distract me from my iPhone.

But I can't be in three places at once!

My father's business had an unexpected crisis and me, my mother and sister all had to jump in to help...and may be required to continue helping for an undetermined amount of time while some issues are resolved. We have rallied and we will stick it out.

Enter my life-in-progress, which was already WAY too busy. There was no question that I needed to fully adhere myself to the family effort. But there is always danger ahead for me when I have to deal with too many unknowns all at once.

While working for my father, I forgot that I was supposed to be at one of my workplaces, filling in for a vacationing co-worker. I STILL KNEW as of Friday that I would need to be there on Sunday morning. Then, the family shit hit the fan, and I ended up working for poppy, running my OWN daylong business/event, and making deliveries for dad, then squeezing in a friend's wedding, then getting up the next morning with getting back to dad's shop on the mind. That entire time, I had no computer access. My calendar is on the computer. On the internet to be exact. And because normally I am always near a computer, this is beginning to work fairly well. But things were moving so fast and couldn't check my calendar, and I need that reminder to t prompt me to even write myself a note to remember and things moved so fast...until I picked up the ringing phone at my dad's shop and found a mushroom cloud on the other end of the line. My boss...calling to tell me I was two hours late and where the heck was I and what the hell happened.

Oops. I felt awful. I would recount that whole incident complete with tears and apologies, but it won't really make me feel better and it won't really enlighten YOU.

Then, because I wasn't as present at MY business/event yesterday, I had a couple of participants sneak out and leave early, which in this context is TOTALLY inappropriate, NOT done...very looked down on in this particular business because it is disrespectful to fellow participants, as well as the event itself. And how much does it suck to have people (who incidentally I have cut some MAJOR slack lately because of family problems that THEY were having) take advantage of you when you're in a shitty spot and can't really do anything about it?

Basically tried really hard to do the right thing, in every regard this weekend, and yet I feel totally shitty about the whole weekend. It was stressful, and disheartening. And I'm a little angry, and feel taken advantage of.

This isn't an ADHD-unique scenario. This would have been stressful for anyone. But add in ADHD...and clearly, this was way too much. It's enough that I was working a work shift that I don't usually work...and that I was literally too busy, and unable to access my one organizational lifeline.

I hated this weekend.

I am going to see how much a Blackberry will cost me. I need my schedule on my at all times, everywhere. It's bad enough trying to remember to use the calendar in the first place, but trying to remember to look at a calendar when there's no computer to even prompt you to "remember to remember"...yeah. You're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down, I'm sure.

Dammit...I new it all along...

I have read about how ADHDers "can do well when an external structure exists". This is allegedly why girls can do well in school but still have ADHD...because someone else is making the rules.

Well I just had an epiphany. I always date control freaks. And I don't like living with messy people. I HATE living with messy people. I like living with neatnicks who have to always put things back in the same place all the time. Hmmm.

The epiphany was precipitated by the fact that for the 18 GOD-DAMNTH time in the last week my water glass has been MISSING when I went to find it. I have a THING about my water glasses being left in the same spot. Don't ever let anyone tell you that ADHDers can't be organized. Some of us overcompensate for the lack of organization in our brains, in our thinking...by rigidly controlling our physical environment. Oh I may be cluttery...but I lose my shit if my water glass is moved. Just as I will lost my shit if you move my purse, or my keys, or my slippers (which have also been moved SEVERAL times this week).

I only live with one other person so unless my cats have grown opposable thumbs, or have become suicidal (and they seem very happy) that leaves only the option that...my boyfriend, MR. FUCKING TIDYBOWL has been moving my shit.

So...when I notived for the 18th GODDAMN time that my water glass was moved, I looked for it, and I found it in the kitchen, with the dirty dishes. (WATER GLASSES DO NOT NEED TO BE WASHED EVERY EFFING TIME YOU USE THEM. YES, I know it was MY glass.) No, I'm not having ADHD forgetting issues here...I did not, would not, will not, and HAVE NEVER not put my water glass in one of two very specific places in this apartment, because I try to do certain things the same way, all the time, to minimize the amount of time I have to spend re-inventing the wheel on everyday tasks, because everyday tasks are so DAMNED overwhelming for me. Recall that I cannot handle a ten minute shower without a little panic first because I freak out about all the "steps"...etcetcetc...can't stop thinking it's taking time away from other things I have to do...etcetcetc....

I then waited in the kitchen...and yes, this it totally evil and I don't care...and yelled into the livingroom "Where's my water glass, it seems to be missing again?". He came into the kitchen to help me look for it and I yelled "OH LOOK, IT'S RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU PUT IT WHEN YOU WERE MOVING SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE MOVED BECAUSE IT MAKES ME IRATE AND YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE CERTAIN THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE HELL ALONE!".

I don't think it will be getting moved again.

But then I'm sitting here going "SHIT. I always pick these tidy people! SHITSHITSHIT!". And so...yet again, I have chosen one of them. I chose this. I chose this; this is what I chose with my "power". And as I grow more confident in my right to assert certain kinds of reasonable rigidity in my environment, certain kinds of organization methods that may not make sense to him, but make it so that my day doesn't get overly cluttered with the desperation of trying to keep up with simple daily tasks...I am just not able to mask it anymore when he "organizes" me in such a way that it throws off my precarious world order. I know that my "order" is never going to be perfect. But I am learning to make it work in ways that help me get through my day. There's nothing wrong with that. So is that me saying "hey...I don't necessarily need someone else to create order for me"? Wow...now THAT, the therapist will want to hear about. I mean really, what that means is that...for the first time in my life I am willing to let myself fail from time to time. Do you have any idea what a big step that is for a self-destructively perfectionistic person such as myself? This calls for more than Holy Cows. Perhaps...Holy...Grails? Heh!

Now that I am beginning to gain that kind of confidence...and respect my unique organizational needs more...do I need to continue to choose neat freaks to live with? Well...okay, maybe I do actually, because the thought of someone else's clutter mixed with mine is heartstoppingly terrifying, haha, but it's different to choose them because of that, than because you can't trust yourself to organize anything yourself, in your own unique way.

I have already explained to him...1,000,000 times, the reasons that I need to do certain things in a certain way. And there's really only a handful of them. For balance, lest you form the opinion that this is really lopsided, me expecting all of this...I have totally modified my paper organization methods, and have retrained myself not to leave my "reminders" in certain areas, for HIM, not for me. It is actually a gift to him that I reuse the same glass over and over because he is "the dishwasher". And I am the one that keeps the bathroom neat and tidy. because he doesn't like cleaning bathrooms and I don't mind it for whatever reason..so our household is not the sad story of a neat person being abused by an evil clutterbug.

Is it ADHD impatience, or just the regular old kind, that is making me not give a shit about what he thinks about my routines (I'm too young for menopause so it's definitely not that)...and if that impatience, wherever it is coming from sticks with me...will domestic harmony become elusive even as my ability to keep myself organized a good portion of the time improves? Because I'll tell you what, I have spent my whole life bowing down to expectations that others have had of me, and molding myself and my actions to please their needs rather than my own, and shooting my ability to be productive in the ass because I didn't honor my own needs. And I'm done with that nasty tango. I'm not going to be my own prison guard anymore, I'm on strike.

The water glass goes next to the refrigerator OR on the coffee table. The green sponge stays on the bathroom counter, behind the tootbrushes so that I will remember to wipe the sink area down from time to time. The slippers stay under the coffee table.

Dammit!

This is not the Staycation I was promised (by myself)...

I am of course, taking the week off. Then how did life get so busy, even though it's only Tuesday?

Well I did take the week off from work. And I am in the middle of working out a new school schedule, so this week, I'm not really doing school either. So far, so terrific.

However...however...I did indicate that I am in a state of total overwhelm right now. And that I need a break. On a regular basis, even on a day when I feel great, I am overwhelmed by the little details. Like...uh...wait, what do normal people do everyday and not think about but I have a really hard time with...when it even occurs to me that people do them...OH YES...personal grooming. That takes time...it takes planning. Stop laughing, I'm not joking. By the time I wake up in the morning, my brain is already on speed (and not the "speed" I take to slow it down, I'm talking about my natural, god-given freight-train-brain). I am thinking of 800 things...so then I go into the bathroom and have to think about a shower...which might involve washing my hair...which will also involved drying it, and styling it, and...by the time I get this far, I am a mess because every additional thing that I think about in terms of grooming seems to be competing with all of these other things that I am thinking about, that I will NOT COMPLETE TODAY if I take 5 minutes to take a shower and another 5 to dry my hair and OMGOMGOMGOMG!

At some point I get to total brain fry and go uhhhh....just get in the shower and see what happens...but I'm still thinking about all of these things. So to get through this, I have a routine. Yes, that's right. For probably the last 15 years I have showered in the same sequence...because if I do things differently I forget things. You know like...rinsing the shampoo off my head. I'm sure someone at some point will read this post and think I'm frigging joking and I AM NOT, OKAY!? I am totally serious! I know how ridiculous it seems, but it's all true. Any ADHDer reading this will know exactly what I am talking about.

Then I get out of the shower. And dry off, again, in a nice, reassuring pattern (just to be totally clear, if you haven't read my previous post about routine, and how hard it is for me to create one, this is NOT something I concocted overnight, it takes ages...doesn't just happen like "that"). Then, I do that stuff I hate like dry my hair and style it and whatever else...uh...OH look some moisturizer that sits right on the counter so I don't forget, and uh...do I have makeup? How about mascara...sounds good. Okay, I'm ready. Wait? Am I? Yes, okay, I'm ready.

This entire process probably took...10 minutes. Sounds good right? But it's because I am so worried about being late, even on a morning when I may not be actually running too late, that I can't really let myself get too involved in a grooming routine. Usually I am running a little late though.

Then I fly through the kitchen, noticing that I might need to eat something...shitshitshit, if I stop to eat something...uhhhh, wait, what is there to eat? Uh...open cupboards...overwhelmed by food...uhhh...prepare food, do people do that? Uhhhhh...freight train is still running through my head about what I need to do today, AND I've devised a plan for world domination of some kind in the shower and I really need to write this down....run to livingroom to grab my notebook, write it down, oh damn, there's my meds, right where I left them (THANK YOU FOR SMALL ROUTINES THAT WORK) so I better take those but I better eat first...GRRR...back to the kitchen...wait, what time is it? Wait, did I brush my teeth? At some point during the day (this happened several times last week until I mentioned to the gentleman that my deodorant needs to live on the counter) I realized I hadn't put on deodorant...because I couldn't see it, because it was in the cupboard because it makes perfect sense to my boyfriend to put it there...but not to me.

Yes, this is how my days roll. Even if you remove the "big stuff" there are still the ordinary details of daily living, and truly, sometimes making space in my life makes these dilemmas WORSE, because of my overactive mind...make more space and my wildly overactive brain can will the space like THAT. With more ideas, more plans, more worries about details...and I DO NOT have control over this. Oh there are things I can do that help...for sure...but overall, this is not something I can just flip a switch on.

On top of the daily living detail avalanche...I actually do have a few things I need to do. Go register my car...go to a couple docs appts...pick up my paycheck. Finish coordinating a speaker for an event that I actually can't bail on because it's this Friday so it was too late to hand it off. And I'm already overwhelmed just thinking about it all, even though it's only half of what I usually do. Gee...at least I don't have to go to work or school this week!

Real life details ARE incredibly boring...

As I work to gather a little more consistency in my life I find myself thinking about really funny things that most people probably just gloss over in the course of their day.

This morning, my inner monologue as I scurried around the house "organizing" suddenly became "oh...I think I'll clean out my wallet". I pick up the wallet, and am filled with disgust at the collection of receipts I pull out of it. My friend was sitting nearby working on helping me set up my bookkeeping systems. Boyfriend off on his own tangents of organizing. I say to them "hey, is that something that people do? organize their wallets?". They look at me like they kinda think I'm joking or being a smart ass. I say "no, I'm serious, do people do that? I'm trying to figure out what other people regularly do to keep themselves organized.". My friend replies, smiling "Yes, people do clean out their wallets. Or just take out the receipts as they go along.". I know it was amusing to them, but I really, TRULY have never thought about details like this. Knowing that "other people do this" was very important information for me. Now to remind myself regularly to even think of it!

So I took the receipts out of the wallet and found proper homes for them. At the boyfriend's prodding I also got rid of a couple of old credit cards and store incentive cards that I was never going to use, and my account numbers from my former bank (yes, I know you shouldn't put them in your wallet anyway, don't start with me...I already trained myself out of wallet-losing so it's all good).

I AM fully aware that yes, totally normal everyday folks also sometimes have clutter and disorganization...but apparently everyone else doesn't have a life where suddenly, three years later you open your trunk and realize you have an archeological dig on your hands (which you should have known about because you hadn't been able to fit anything in there for almost that long, but the shame and lack of ability to deal with it was too much)? A life where you suddenly can't fit your wallet in your pocket anymore because of all the stuff in it (and you periodically shove the receipts away in "safe places" that you find a year later because you know that some of the receipts might be business-related and you will need them)? A life where your grade school desk became humiliatingly infested with fruit flies because you forgot you even ate a banana recently, nevermind remembering that you had shoved half of it back in your desk (and you didn't even realize they were coming from your desk until it was too late...because they rest of the inside of the desk was sooooo messy...argh...)?

Then I sat down to do something I've been attempting, fairly successfully, to integrate into my regular weekly activities...cleaning out my bags and notebooks and sorting the papers and things inside. I was able to sit and do it...but can't pretend it was interesting. In fact, it was god-damned shockingly boring, and I found myself saying "wow guys...regular routine organizing tasks are REALLY FREAKING BORING". They laughed. They agreed, but seemed to find it amusing that I was just discovering this. Correction, was finally tolerating it.

I know it's important for me to find ways to do some regular organizing, so I am doing them as I find the ways that work for me, and make decisions about which tasks are important and which are not but damn...I asked to be able to experience more depth in life, not to be bored to death. Oh wait...that's what depth means. All these little details...that's it. That's what I asked for. Merry ADHD Diagnosis!

Dare I type...meh? I just have to console myself with the fact that the actual outcome feels pretty good? (pause) Okay. It does feel damn good. Not as good as a brand new creative idea, but WAY more fun than that sick feeling of turning in your taxes late because you just realized the day before they're due that you have no idea where all those receipts are that you stuck in all of those "safe places".

I'm going to picture a little scale in my head with those two realities on either side from now on, when I have to do this boring stuff...and imagine the side with the "boring stuff" on one side, weighty and meaningful, outperforming the "junk food" of fast living on the other side.

Let it go at what cost...?

I'm a little worried about my filing cabinet.

It was living in the living room. My pile of filing had gotten insane...I got it under control and figured out a new way to store it (VERY TIDY, even the boyfriend agreed) while it's waiting for me to file it (and have found friends who can help with getting my lil' bits and pieces put away).

But in a fit of further organization of our house, I suggested (and I don't know what I was thinking) that maybe the filing cabinet could go in the "man cave" aka the office. He agreed...but...and I know this is going to sound picky but...he picked the spot for it, and it's not exactly "visible" to me.

...this is becoming an old, tired refrain...if I don't see it, it doesn't exist. I know that's a crazy way to organize your life, especially if you're as busy as I am, I mean you can't just have PILES of reminders everywhere. I understand that...but because I'm so busy, I have a lot of "important papers". No, it's not just me neurotically hoarding papers for no good reason, it's my business filing papers, and insurance policies and my event permits, and my bank statements and such, my tax records...they really are important and I technically have two separate small businesses that perform very different functions. All of that loveliness lives in the filing cabinet, that's why I got the filing cabinet, to centralize them. It's also my first stop when my mail comes in, so that piles of mail don't form. I take the shreddable junk mail and dump it immediately into the shredding bin, and the important mail gets added to either my "to do" folder, or to the filing pile. Creating this system, in itself, was revolutionary for me (I formulated it for myself) and using it regularly has been a big achievement.

And I've blogged before about the stress that change in routine can cause me.

Now, instead of a source of reassurance, the filing cabinet is a source of worry because I won't see it regularly. I am going to have to now create reminders to myself to do my filing, which I didn't need to do before (if it wasn't getting done before, it was because I either didn't feel like it or didn't have time). At the risk of sounding melodramatic, even though I'm being very sincere, it's sort of like moving furniture around on a blind person (yes, I fully acknowledge that I made the suggestion, I'm just highlighting my regret at this clearly stupid decision). It would hamper that blind person's ability to function efficiently and safely in their world, and it would take longer than it would for a seeing person, for that person to find their way around again. Or how about this. Let's say you live in a snowglobe and all of the flakes have settled, and you may have even gone to the trouble of arranging them somehow. And someone picks up your snowglobe and shakes it...and then you have to sort all of those identical flakes all over again...

I don't know if this is going to be a good solution. I need to make sure to speak up early though it if IS a problem so that I don't get myself into a mess... another thing I have to remind myself of... The boyfriend is great, he really just doesn't understand some of these dilemmas that I have, because he doesn't have them so it's not a matter of uncaring on his part...but then sometimes will get irritated with me because he doesn't understand why something that seems logical to him backfires, and that is obviously stressful to me. And in this situation I know he's "trying to help"...the only reason I drag him into this post at all, truly, is that...and again, this is not his fault...I may have made the suggestion based on what I thought would please him...d'oh.

Doesn't THAT really make an ADHD girl want to kick herself in the ass.

I am trying to structure my life so that I need as few "reminders and notes" around as possible because even having reminders around, though they are necessary, can be stressful...and I go and pull this on myself. And to him it makes sense, so he agrees, unwittingly stepping into the trap I set for myself.

This is how ADHDers can begin to exhibit behaviors that looks like OCD. This is how someone like me comes to rely upon anxiety as a motivator. Doesn't it seem like in your own home, as long as things HAVE a system that doesn't inhibit others, that you should be able to map things in a way that minimizes your anxiety? The answer is yes, and I should not have pressured myself to conform to someone else's sense of logic, especially when they weren't even asking me to!

Okay. I'm going to think this over a little more (no, not obsess, just think) for a few days and see how I feel about it then (putting a little cushion of time between myself and the impulse to MOVE the cabinet back NOW)...and then figure out if it still needs to be addressed. If there's one thing I KNOW as an ADHDer, it's that it sometimes can be helpful to create a little space between impulse and action, even if it feels unnatural.

Establishing Routine

Establishing Routine.

It's something that everyone has to commit a little conscious effort too. For me though, and I suspect other adults (and kids actually too) with ADHD, this can be a MAJOR undertaking.

Even when I create systems to organize myself I have to commit effort to remembering that I even created the system. For example...I'm trying to get myself to use Google Calendar. Seems simple right, especially for me, since I'm always on the damn computer...but remember: if I don't see it, it doesn't exist. I forget the calendar is even there, nevermind remembering to look at it. It's just one more hidden layer of reality. Not sure if this is a good long-term solution for me as a result but we'll see.

To those without ADHD, who are naturally organized, this may seem improbable. It may seem "lazy". It may seem " stubborn". It may seem "flighty". And I can't tell you how much it pains me, the awareness that people think that. Think of it this way...I am an extremely intelligent person who spends a great deal of time trying to think of ways to make myself more efficient, and how to be more respectful to other people. I am actually REALLY good at coming up with systems for executing new ideas. I KNOW these things are illogical and that's my point...if I didn't have ADHD, I am actually the kind of person that simply would make more efficient choices, because I am aware that they exist and I do not enjoy the results of this in my life. And I DO try to make more efficient choices all the time...and will continue to do so...but I assure you, it's not laziness. This is hard work, and I'm a damn hard worker.

Establishing a routine often takes me months and months of repeated failures before I'm able to find a way to "trick" myself into remembering or doing something regularly. And when my routine gets disrupted...after all of that effort. Oh...it's breathtakingly awful, and shocking how it blows the routine all to hell. Talk about stress, no wonder I have anxiety up the kazoo.

Let me give you some examples that stun even myself, and they're part of my life.

Prior to the job I have now, I always had jobs where you had either a time-clock, or a salary and a set number of hours to work, so I never had to track my time and turn it in to get paid. Well...I'm a paralegal now. Paralegals can often have erratic work schedules depending on the area of law they work in. They also, whether they are salaried or not, or keep regular hours, often have to track the amount of time they spend on each case, so that clients can be "billed" accurately. This involves taking constant notes about how your time is spent...instead of just "doing". Well...constant interruption is difficult for me to tolerate once I get going because once I'm interrupted it takes forever to get going again. And when I'm really on a roll it is more of a challenge to remember to write every little thing down. So I use little post it notes to write everything down and stick them everywhere, and that helps...

But the problem is, I still have to turn in my hours to get paid. So my notes in the client files about various tasks may be correct...the work is done...the post its are everywhere. But sitting down to fill out the little blanks in the time sheet? Mother....fucker. That kills me. My brain literally goes into hyper-flying-around-the-room-mode. That is, if I even remember to do it. Our bookkeeper at the office "gets" me, so even though she's annoyed, she knows I'm not just trying to drive her crazy...but after three years of dealing with me and my late time-sheet-itis, I'd be annoyed too if I was her.

Now, I finally got into a routine earlier this year where I would turn it in FOUR DAYS ahead of time, which took the time pressure off, and made it easier for me to do. But then there was a holiday weekend or something and it threw me out of my routine and I haven't recovered yet. This past week, instead of being willing to run back to the computer to just print out my check, she was like "tough noogies, I'll get it to you next week". I don't blame her, and I'm not mad about it. I'm just annoyed that it's so hard for me to just BE routine.

Another example. I know how to do laundry. I know how to fold laundry. But I can't stand tasks that are neverending. You know, the ones where you do it, and it's done and you feel great. And then two days later you have to do it all over again. Oh god. Just thinking about it makes my tummy flip flop. Again, I'm a hard worker...I can work until the cows come home...on ideas, and plans, and concepts, and people-centered problems. But my clothes live in two piles.

Yeah, seriously. The clean pile and the dirty pile. That's as far as I get. There really is a little bit of skewed logic in my panic somewhere...I mean it IS annoying to have to do something AGAIN when you already did it before. Argh. My boyfriend hates it, he has all of his clothes organized, and folded, and even ironed. The two pile system is actually an improvement, when I was a teenager it was all ONE pile...yeah. Nice. Sort of disgusting to admit, but...this blog isn't about keeping my pride intact, if it was, I wouldn't be writing it in the first place. And anyway, I'm a grown up now, and I have TWO piles...lol...sophistication!

The boyfriend is helping me little by little. All the stuff that's not daily wear, we have in a pile ready to hang up. A third pile. We were going to do it a couple months ago but after I went and bought hangers for all the clothes I realized I needed hangers for another project and um...stole them from the clothing project for that other project. Oops. Again, annoyed boyfriend. I wasn't trying to sabotage it, I just really needed like 50 hangers for something else, and they were there and I needed them and...and then was too busy to replace them right away. And he thinks I'm trying to be annoying...oh well.

When I think about these kinds of tasks...I wish I could show you a picture of the inside of my brain. Actually it would probably be hilarious to do a scan on my brain when I'm in that moment, either you would see the classic ADHD dead spot, like a black hole in my frontal lobe, sucking out all reason into a far unreachable corner of the galaxy, or you would see my brain ON FIRE. No literally...ON FIRE...hahaha. Burning with the frustration of living the same innocuous nightmare over and over and over and over and over and over and over for 34 years. 34 years of being frustrated with myself because it seems like a smart, proactive person shouldn't have such a hard time figuring these things out.

This is why I LOVE my stimulant medication. I don't feel like it blunts my creativity, or my spark, or my drive. It just seems to shut off the extra, weird layers of "ARRGGHGHGHHHGHGHR CRAP ARRRGGHGHGHGH!" when I can't get my brain to just settle down and focus on something that shouldn't be taking over my life with anxiety. It lets me just get past the routine stuff a little easier...so I can get to the good stuff a little faster.

I know, and accept, that this will ALWAYS be a struggle for me. I guess it's just my lot in life. It's the genes I got...it's the brain I have, and really...my brain does totally awesome stuff all the time, it's not alllll Groundhog Day and black holes...

I sure hope I get my paycheck soon though! Lol....

Who the Eff Packed This Box!?!?!

It seems to be a well documented fact that adults with ADHD have piles...of stuff. Well I had boxes and they have followed me for years. And now I'm unpacking them, I'm looking in one and all I can say is "WHO THE EFF PACKED THIS DAMN THING! IT'S FULL OF CRAZY SHIT!". Ugh, why did I save this crap. I mean, I know why, it was because I couldn't slow my brain down long enough to friggin' figure out a better solution but gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

This is hell. Hell is 15 minutes alone with your own baggage. Literally. Here I am. And only 10 boxes to go. Better set the timer for 10 minutes to deter the hyperfocus demon, because if I hyperfocus on organizing this crap, I'm gonna have more than ADHD making me nuts, lol...

Dark before the dawn...

I sought help for my ADHD symptoms because I was feeling very overwhelmed by my life. To much going on, too many channels in my mind, too many activities in my life, too many mystery piles. Once I had started trying to cut down on my surplus of commitments and piles I realized how much work it was to say no, to make a dent...somehow the jumble just kept turning in on itself, and on me, somehow the pile never got smaller, somehow, everything was always slightly out of my control, or so it felt.

Now I'm taking medication and I think it's starting to "do" something. It is easier to really hear what other people are saying. The random pacing and fidgeting has lessened. I feel calmer. I have actual identifiable processes of thought rather than Indy-car races from point A to point X.

But my life feels more overwhelming. This confused me until I suddenly realized: I think my newly slowed down brain is able to look at my life and see what my ADHD brain couldn't. And what it's seeing is making it say "HOLY SHIT". It is totally registering overwhelm where my ADHD brain registered "OOOOH THAT'S SHINY AND NEW!" and propelled me fearlessly forward. I sort through boxes of crap that I suddenly "see" and get a sick feeling in my stomach as I realize I really do need to sort through it all, over time of course, to get my life back. ADHD brain has breezed past these boxes many times over the last several years, adding to their contents and number and promising to "do it later" and never following through. Last weekend...five boxes emptied by newly slowed brain.

I anticipate that this issue, overall, will sort itself out over time. What's really funny is that at first...I thought it meant the medicine wasn't working. Until I realized all the other good things the medicine was doing and I thought "wait, something doesn't make sense". It all makes a lot of sense now...and I just have to keep plugging away at the details of my life while my newly slowed brain politely refrains from adding more toppings to the already full pizza.