Monday, June 14, 2010

But do you LIKE me?

I mean really, really like me? Because for the past week I've been a ridiculous ADHD ball of insecurity. Life holds a lot of big changes right now, so in a way it makes sense...break new ground in life, and you're bound to feel a teeny bit unsteady for a moment as everything settles.

But I think that we with ADHD (or many of us) have learned to question ourselves in ways that the normies don't. And, me, I also juggle a little bit of anxiety along with the ADHD, so that adds a teeny bit of challenge to the management of that kind of insecurity.

I would say that generally these days I'm at about an 8 on the anxiety management scale. I feel it, but it doesn't disrupt me, I'm just rolling with it. Which is probably why this insecurity I'm feeling now feels more significant than it is.

All anxiety disorders aside, I'm sure many hyperactive ADHDers can relate to many of these thoughts:

"Am I annoying this person?"
"Am I talking too much?"
"Oh shit, I think I forgot to turn my TMI filter off today."
"No really, I think I forgot to turn off my TMI filter off, look, it's raining TMI!"
"Am I getting to the point?"
"Do I have a point?"
"Am I talking really loud, I can't tell, but I think I am."
"I must be annoying people right now."
"These people must hate me right now."
"I think I'm too far out of the box right now."
"Oh shit, now I'm talking louder. Wait, am I?"

I can't imagine that I'm the only hyperactive adult ADHDer who has learned that their behavior, at times, is just far enough left of center that we need to "think" about it and modify it a bit...and of course, that breeds insecurity over the years. I usually don't succumb to the insecurity part any more, but I used to...a lot...I used to be so insecure about it that I was actually very quiet most of the time and terrified to have attention on me because I worried about what people thought...a lot.

As I care less, and behave more freely, I feel better about myself...most of the time.

But this week, not so much. I feel extremely anxious about whether people like me, and whether I'm annoying them. I must have asked Sonny about 8000 times if I'm annoying him...if he's mad at me (he's not, for the record, at all)...and I can't seem to shut the worry train off in my brain.

Urgh. This will pass...but I'm probably annoying myself more than anyone else right now.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I only lost my purse...

...30 times this afternoon. The purse didn't move. The only thing that was moving was me. I buzzed around the room, eating, drinking, being merry, and freaking out several times thinking I had lost my purse. Every time I would exclaim "OMG, I don't know where I put my purse!" and then everyone would look concerned for a second and then I would look for a few seconds, and then...embarrassed...remember where I'd put it. Right where I'd put it when I came through the door.