Friday, May 7, 2010

The Evidence

I haven't taken my stimulant meds for a week or two because it was making me a little anxious and I just couldn't deal with it right then. For example, the only thing I can really do to counteract that episodic anxiety is take an ativan.

If I take an ativan I feel less anxious but I am instantly unable to meaningfully complete any tasks that require any thinking, and that includes every task I have to complete during the day.

So...I haven't been taking the Concerta, although I did take a couple of my little methylpheniate (Ritalin) tablets a couple of days ago.

But my point is that I haven't really been taking my stimulant meds for a little stretch here and couldn't be more obvious. Because the handbag that I carry all the time looks like a bomb went off. For months I have been meticulously cleaning it out once a week and keeping it organized and filing my personal papers away and generally keeping house in my handbag.

A couple of days ago as I blew a fuse because hoardes of stuff were literally falling out of my bag, I was injuring myself on the content of my bag because I could barely get through the shit to get to the stuff I needed, and literally couldn't find my LARGE wallet...I realized "oh shit...I used to live like this every day". And I did. That was every day for me. Every day was lost keys, lost wallets, messy bags, unnecessary frustrations galore. And me...really cranky. Frequently. And good at coming up with excuses for why it was never my fault.

So...I just took my Concerta. I don't feel anxious. I must have been having a bad week a couple weeks ago.

And now I'm cleaning out my bag and methodically going through the mess to get back on track.

Sheesh. This ADHD thing is really a neverending battle/journey isn't it?

I don't regret that nobody diagnosed me with this charming chemical imbalance sooner...but I do think back to my late junior-high, high school self and think "oh could have been easier with this insight".

For me, late junior high was when ADHD REALLY started to become an issue. Oh it wasn't that I didn't have noticeable symptoms earlier...the monologuing, awkward social skills, and never completing schoolwork were certainly apparent. Or how about the time that my 6th grade desk (my desk was always messy at school) was full of fruit flies because my desk was so messy and somewhere inside it there was rotten fruit. It was humiliating. I was that girl that had the desk full of bugs. Not. Cool.

But in later junior high your responsibilities grow and your grades start to matter. Because I was "smart" I was expected to go to college...but in the 8th grade I got kicked out the honors program at school.

My grades had been pretty unstellar...but I literally was getting D's at that point. 9th grade I did well...but I didn't have endurance in that regard. High school was all about being late to class and going to detention a LOT...which was a great chance to get my homework done! Hall passes from teachers who understood I wasn't a "bad kid" but knew I couldn't get to class on time. Getting a lecture from a teacher about not being "focused". Getting grades far below what I maybe should have been able to do because I could never seem to get my assignments in on time.

And here I am, having learned a lot of cool coping mechanisms as an adult...but I still need help with the little stuff. And when you need this kind of help, if you don't deal with the little stuff, the little stuff becomes the big stuff, so it's not like you can just ignore it. I'm sitting here surrounded by the weird, disorganized piles of crap I just dumped out of my bag and I can't quite believe I let it get like that...but I can honestly say that I wasn't actually thinking about it! Not until it became a problem!

No more time for writing now, I need to get this pile sorted and get my day rolling.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


...I have way too many of them in my life right now and I can't say that I didn't invite them.

I need to sequester myself in a very real way for the rest of the week.

I'm going to have to dig deep.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Awwwww fuckit!

This morning I seriously considered quitting school. Oh, I'm not joking...and I'm only sharing this because this is an ADHD blog and I write it because I want people to understand what it's really like here in my ADHD brain.

And this morning, my ADHD brain was very seriously considering a big fat FUCKIT. I can't honestly say I'm not still thinking it but...I'm working on exorcising the demon.

Tells you a little something about the power of the impulse that I would even consider such a thing when I have a 3.8 GPA and have gone through three years of grad school...and am about to graduate...but I'm pretty burnt out. Burnt out to the point of extreme stress and suspiciously after being healthy all winter while surrounded by little germ-factories I have now been sick twice in as many weeks? Really? Yeah...I know it's just my body concurring with my mind but dammit...