Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Circles, the good kinds...

...the other night I kept dreaming of silversmithing. It's not a craft I practice, but it's one I admire, and I did take a workshop once to learn the basics. One of the basics that you learn is how to make circles from silver to solder the shut to create a whole, from a line.

In my waking life, I would have to put in a lot of practice to get good at this, because wow...I did not take to it quickly and I could not close the circles.

In my dream it was a little different. I was able to close the circles and felt so proud of that. The circles themselves were not perfect, they were a little misshapen, but they were closed: success! I would finish and inspect each one, delighted with my progress, and thinking about how I was going to be able to learn to make them more beautiful, and more useful.

Even amid a storm of other people's insanity, my subconscious at least can take the time to remind me that my imperfect journey is beautiful, and it is real, and it is worthwhile...and worth continuing. That I am in receipt of challenges that I am ready for.

Hello, Hungarian Embassy Please?

I had to call my therapist for an emergency visit today. If my last couple of posts hadn't indicated that I have been having "quite a time" then let THIS serve as confirmation.

There's a lot of balls of wax that have formed to create the present I'm sitting in right this second, but I'll stick to a couple of key incidents from last week that combined to exacerbate my anxiety to the point that I have taken more Ativan in three days than in my entire life previously (for the record, that's 4 tiny ones...but for me, that's a lot). I really and truly could not function without taking the edge off of my anxiety and honestly, other than a few panic attacks in the past, that is extraordinary for me. I can usually continue trudging forward through all kinds of shelling and mortar attacks.

But when the attacks hit closer to your heart...closer to your privacy...closer to the things you hold dearest (like your privacy...yes, I blog, but I value privacy!)...when the snipers hit the mark, it's intended to be lethal, and popping back up with a smile on your face is a damn challenge.

I've been productive for sure...but emotionally, I am utterly wasted.

Sparing the details, since they're not terribly pretty...there were a couple if things that happened last week, the culmination of a couple of different issues, that really and truly hit me in the guts.

First, I hear from my boss that someone very close to me informed one of my boss's CHILDREN that I have a mental health problem and they should be very concerned about me. You know...because me, I'm INSANE! (pause) I assure you, I am not having outlandish mental health issues that don't live here in this blog. I do have some rude passengers along on my journey. It's been a it's REALLY a problem. I don't know what to do about it. At least my boss is all good.

Second, a certain person who shouldn't be prying into my life in such a way decided to have me "investigated". Investigated.* I'm not joking. For what purpose? Who knows! I live a pretty transparent life, anything they needed to know is on Google...which is precisely why they were pissed, because there wasn't any dirt. They were angry because they found out who I am and sure enough, I'm a helpful, proactive and well-known member of my community. But again, MY BOSS was called by this investigator who wanted to ask him questions about me, which makes it MY crap. He hung up on them. (To be clear, I am not involved in any illegal activities, elicit love affairs, or other things that could prompt such scrutiny. I'm sorry to be so mysterious but...hey, I respect other people's privacy even if they don't respect mine!)

Good thing my boss knows all about me, and we have a great relationship, otherwise, this could have caused me some serious problems.

I feel violated...I don't know why the world seems chock full right now, of people who think they have a right to use ME and MY PERSONAL INFORMATION as some kind of pawn for their weird little ego games.

As for the people close to me who for some reason think it's cool to up the ante in the dysfunction pool because I won't play their feels like someone dear has died, and my heart is broken.

As for my privacy being violated? I am disappointed to even know that people act that way.

But I am also upset that in both of these instances, MY privacy and personhood are being violated and disrespected by people with really, REALLY bad boundary issues. And I have some important people in my life that I now cannot trust and likely will never trust again.

I am mourning this like a death. Hence, my anxiety level is just heartbreaking.

I am also angry...angry that these people are behaving in ways that endanger MY mental health progress. I can't even tell if my meds are working if my overall stress in life is so crazy that I need Ativan boosters. Specifically relating to the persons "close" to me who are misbehaving, they have been subjecting me to a steady, disrespectful diet of disapproval over my mental health decisions for months now. Why? Because the dysfunction doesn't work for me anymore, so I am making new decisions AND respecting their right to remain as they are...but that's not enough for them. How much higher do that stakes go? They don't. It stops here. If I have to protect myself with silence, I will.

So I called my therapist to see if she had an opening. She called me back. I answer the phone and I hear "Hungarian Embassy, we heard that you were in need of assistance?".

Yes, oh yes I am.

*edited from a prior version because my ADHD fingers probably typed a little more than they shoudl have. It's all good, but a re-read made me go "hmmm...yep...too much info, lol".

Monday, January 11, 2010

Why waste your waking hours...

...being a pessimistic jackass. Seriously. I'm not talking about people with legit clinical depression (though certainly, making the effort to think positively in that instance won't hurt!).

I'm talking about people who go through their days actively thinking the worst about people. Saying the worst about people. Doing the worst to others. And just plain thinking of the world as a hostile environment. If there's one thing I'm learning this year, it's that even I have limited energy, and I need to honor that. What better way to honor it than by engaging in filling my minutes with positive thinking? And I DO have so many things to be grateful for every day. I'm not talking about being unrealistically optimistic, but there's a long path between that, and choosing to be negative. I also truly believe that you reap what you sow.

I am working on a project right now that's really presenting unnecessary and uninvited challenge my positive thinking program. I won't go into the details, other than to say that it is an event I am coordinating in my community. And because I'm the overall organizer and point person, I'm the one that all communication is coming through to, as it should be. As such, unfortunately I am the only one seeing a very strange, and disheartening phenomenon.

It's so persistent and offensive that I feel I need to address the group about it, in general terms, after we've gotten this project all wrapped up, but right now, I just need to figure out how to get it all done.

Every time I start to work on the project, and initiate conversations that I have to initiate, I get bombarded with gossip, anger, and nastiness directed at others in the group. There's a few strange issues here...first of all, why do any of them assume that I am a neutral party? I mean...I am, because I'm not about to go spreading this stuff around, but...what if I wasn't?

Second...can they honestly say that this behavior has served them? I am privy to more information about the situation than I can actually share here, but trust me when I say that the answer is no. In fact I would bet money that it's been a major factor impeding progress for a long time.

Third...I'm an event planner and I'm good at what I do, and I have a proven track record. How have I built that track record? By cooperating with others and being positive. But there's no selling that point to this crowd. I have been informed that I "just don't understand how people work" and "you can't do (insert positive action here) here in this town" even though I do know a lot about how people work, and in many cases I have already done whatever it is they're telling me is impossible.

Fourth...I don't actually care what your history is with the person you are spitting venom about. I'm not into reinventing the wheel, but I also feel that I have a right to forge my own relationship with the others in the group, without having to choke on your personal vendettas in the process.

Fifth, from a purely practical perspective, this has been a huge waste of time and this is really my primary frustration. All I need from them are yeses or nos and what I'm getting is "do you KNOW what THAT person DID TO ME?" or "you can't trust people, and let me tell you why...". As an ADHDer already working to manage their time effectively, this is just pure aggravation. I don't care who screwed who or when, or how, or why you're a fruitcake that thinks I need to know these things. I just need to talk to 20 people in the next three hours and just spent one hour listening to one angry person vent stuff that doesn't matter.

And so...I am sitting here formulating a plan to move forward with. Because unfortunately this is indeed a case of a simple, positive plan getting derailed by negative insanity.

For the sake of the project, I can't allow that to happen.

I am peering through the reeds of this swamp for the simplest path.

I'm committed to finding it.