Sunday, June 21, 2009


Bumped up the dosage, but now I'm sick to my stomach. It was already making the tum a bit overstimulated but that's one thing, and throwing up at work is quite another. Trying splitting the dosage, hopefully that will work.

But that's just all mechanics and body chemistry. I've got more important issues to sort out right now in terms of living life. After years of neglecting details I now have to I bother to sort them all out, and if so, at what cost...and is it nice, calm me doing the thinking here, or ADHD brain. Oh wait, they're the same brain! Okay then, let's see...

Yes, I'd like to sort out all these piles (in many cases literally) of details. In fact I already started. But it feels like the task that never ends, so I am frustrated. I like projects that can be FINISHED and for me that usually means they need to take 2-3 hours or less, and be VERY interesting. Or so compelling I can't put it down for 12 hours. These tasks so not fit in the 12 hour attention-holding category, in fact, they don't even fit in the previous category.

I am stuck because I am afraid that if I can't sit down to one particular task that shall remain nameless and finish it today, that it will never be done. Oh I know that's a silly thing to think...but it's legitimately keeping me from getting started. Where is the end of this project? My mind is desperate to know, so that I can dig in and know that there's an end.

Now it's bothering me that endlessness is bothering me. And the more it bothers me the further I get from starting, which in turn is REALLY bothering me even more.

I think there are some things that medication will never make perfect. It will make some things easier, but none of them perfect. Here I am on a medication that other than an annoying side effect seems to calm me, and allow me to exist in the present a little more. But when I have to think really long term, here I am, still totally freaking out. Or is this just me sitting here worrying that this will be true?

I guess what to do next is a good topic for the therapist tomorrow :) Ohhhhh, THAT is what you're supposed to talk about with your therapist...haha...I'll bet money she's going to want me to "make a plan" of some kind and I will also bet money that before I can even get pen to paper I'm going to totally melt down into a puddle of WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY. Thinking like that stresses me out so badly that I feel like I'm going to friggin' cry just thinking about it.

When people ask me how I stay so organized I think on these moments that they don't see, where I sit here on my couch having meltdowns about the seemingly innocuous, the mundane details that other people react to with a simply "oh, if I just get that out of the way" and a flourish of "doing". If was inspired to concoct a global plan for feeding the hungry I probably could as long as I hired a few good helpers to take care of certain details. But ask me to deal with the life organization that I need to address right now...and I think I have a few brain cells that might spontaneously combust.