Nothing but silver linings!

And so I go from posting a couple-few times a day to nothing for three.

It's been a loooong week already. I'm basically living at my office and go home at night to sleep on the sofa while the ex boyfriend works on moving out. Things are amiable enough considering the situation but I have no sense of "home" right now.

Despite that, as I look around my desk, I feel like a pretty lucky lady. I have a big container of General Tsao's Chicken that was FREE. Yes...FREE. Just finished a big bag of Doritos. Gross, but satisfying. I have a nice warm office that nobody minds me spending extra time in. I have INTERWEBS. Thank you interwebs! I found a giant box of gourmet chocolates in the fridge that I forgot that my boss put in there for me (can't figure out why he put them in the fridge but chilly or not they're delicious).

And I hate to say it but I realized today that...I'm actually not totally lost without my assistant. To be sure, there are things I don't want to spend my days doing on a regular basis...but I realized that I had sacrificed too many of my own organizational needs to accommodate space sharing and task sharing. I used to do all of the support work of this office all on my own (I work best under INSANE pressure unfortunately and at that time, it was indeed, insane...). But for the last year I had felt disconnected from the natural progressions of cases and was spending time more time floundering and catching up than I would like to admit. Because I didn't have a good overview grasp of the flow of things in the office. Because things were moved around, because I wasn't using the systems that are most effective for me...because I didn't want to impose MY work style on someone else. Which, I just realized today, completely invalidated the point of having an assistant at all.

I totally accommodate my boss's ADHD work style, and I realized today that it's not unreasonable for me to expect the person that assists ME to do the same. If you're a halfway thinkin' person, you're also picking up on something that I myself just noticed...I am always the person doing the accommodating whether I'm the assistant or the boss, and that often puts me at a disadvantage. And others are not imposing this role upon me, I impose it upon myself. DAMN. I need to stop doing that.

In that spirit, I went into the boss's office and initiated a conversation with him about what kind of newbie we need here in the office. I suggested that we either need to find another me (self-sufficient, intuitive, yet non-territorial and capable of tying case files into knots under pressure with a single pinky finger) OR someone to only answer phones/write letters. I need to either have my own case files to work on, and someone else can have theirs, OR, I need to be the Queen of all of them, and have someone lighten the burden by taking only the most mindless of mindless tasks. Whatever we do, I can't have a situation where every time I'm gone, someone else is working in a case file...argh...and I come back and catch up...every other day...double argh...

He agrees that those are both good options, and wants to think about it for a couple of days. Fine. In the meantime, I re-organized the office within an inch of its life, and changed everything back to the way I used to do things, when I worked alone all the time.

I cannot have files in piles, so I got my stand thingy back out that stands them all up so I can see their label tabs. This eliminates "out of sight out of mind" syndrome. I consolidated all of the office supplies back into the cabinet, and moved the most often used files in the computer back to a smaller number of directories in the network. So I can um...FIND THEM. I also deleted a ton of old shit that was confusing the hell out of me and wasn't even being used anymore. I streamlined the file cabinet, and I cleaned up the closed files processing area, which "the assistant", godblessher, had been avoiding like a plague (and yes, I'd let her get away with that...because I didn't really want to deal with it myself either). I made task specific folders with BIG LABELS on the front again, geez, just like the good old days, it felt so good. Suddenly I could SEE my work again. I could SEE what I needed to do, and it made it so much easier to do it, instead of having to ask the assistant who didn't always know how to answer the questions I was asking. ADHD does not mean that you cannot organize...in my case it means that I can be very engaged in organizing when it is helping me see a bigger picture, and this was one of those times. I was setting up visual cues for myself for later, which I REALLY needed.

I LOVED the assistant...she was a really smart girl who actually was having a really hard time with her personal life, which was interfering with work, which is why she had to go. But I learned from this experience that I really need to honor my ways of working more, and if someone is "assisting" me, I need to simply assume that this will be the way of things. I am in the awesome position at this job of not having to ASK for that kind of permission...so why the self-torture, geez! My ways of working aren't always conventional and they look like a 4th grader organized me, with big markers and stickers and stuff...but I did these things because they helped me be really, really effective at a job that a lot of people find stressful. Not everyone can just juggle guns, knives, robbers and molesters with such flair and efficiency...and actually enjoy most of it.

Just like we have to create forms on lots of different colors of paper for the ADHD Boss so he knows what's what and makes sure his documentation does in the right spots, I need to have my files kept in a certain way, and I need my task folders, and DO NOT MOVE THEM unless you plan on putting them back in the exact same spot. I felt better after getting the office in order than I have at work for a long time! And now that I had a better overview of my workspace and everything in it...I GOT A TON OF WORK DONE. Which is good because I'm the only one here doing it right now.

See, everything's a silver lining! Even losing a perfectly decent assistant!

The only non-silver lining item today: the greasy Chinese food I just spilled all over a document that is being delivered to the Supreme Court tomorrow...oops...re-print....

Hunter, Gatherer, ADHDer

There's a lot of talk about how men and women seek and find everything from information, to food to partners. I often wonder how many people fit into "one" category or "the other". Is it normal for people to truly do one or the other? In many ways I am more hunter than gatherer...in still other ways I've been accused of being "a total dude". But I find myself wondering if the sometimes atypical ways I hunt and gather things have more to do with ADHD than anything gender related.

Let's take shopping for example. I really prefer shopping trips with a specific purpose. Oh, when I was a teenager I enjoyed thrift store vintage clothes shopping...there was no time limit and there was really not a big dollar amount limit because it was before anyone gave a crap about vintage clothing so I would score awesome vintage for insanely low prices. There was also the social purpose of hanging out with friends and THAT probably had more to do with my enjoyment of it than anything.

Because I really kinda hate shopping. Options. Too many. Lights, too bright. People, toooo annoying. I like bringing my sister because she will get impatient with me (can't decide...too hard!) and either try to break down my choices into bite sized bits or simply get so annoyed that her annoyance compels me to decide something. When there's a purpose at least I can go "okay, I'm looking for black pants...oh look there's only two pairs of those..." so I can agonize over only two pairs, what a relief...I notice everything and enjoy nothing and can easily go into a store and have 800 options in the cart and come out with none because I simply get irritated with all of the options and decide that none of them are worth the effort.

It probably good that I feel that way...I mean it keeps me from having the money spending issues that some ADHDers have. It does keep me from enjoying it much though.

One time my sister got really annoyed because I had to mull over every aspect of two pairs of black knee socks...for...oh, probably 45 minutes. Argh. I was thinking about the fiber content...then I was thinking about manufacturing processes. Then I was thinking about whether they would fade. Then I was thinking about if they would slide down--did they have enough elastic? And were they really thin enough to fit under my dress boots? And are the textiles from a renewable resource? And on and on and on...and back around the loop...a few times...while my sister had been around the whole store and was now staring at me with like 8 pairs of socks for herself in her hand...uhhh...then I was looking at her socks and thinking all the same things...and....finally did pick some socks...there were just so many things to think about. I know it sounds kinda OCD but really I just didn't like having all of those options, and none of the options was quite right anyway, which was a problem because then neither of them was really what I wanted...so I had to decide between them....

I wrote that, and then re-read it...man, that sounds pretty screwed up! But that's how it goes...

So I don't know that I hunt OR gather, it's more like I can't quite do either and get annoyed that the process just isn't that clear for me.

Let those who live in glass houses...

...lately it really sucks to be the person "taking meds". Suddenly, people around you measure your emotions and reactions in terms of "BECAUSE OF YOUR MEDICATION" whether or not that has anything to do with anything. Because you're actually being honest about your transformation experience, people will sometimes use that information to discuss you in terms of "YOU SEEM DIFFERENT, SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG, IT MUST BE THE MEDICATION". A couple of clarifications here...no, this isn't all people, just a handful that I see ALL the time...yes, I am open about this process, so I don't mind people talking about it, but that does not mean that people then have permission to use this information in a manipulative or labeling manner. Also...yes, to readers of my blog, it seems like this must be all I talk about...and I do, when I'm writing this blog! I have a whole other life outside of my "ADHD blog" land.

In that life, I have jobs, projects, friends, family, pets, and actual real feelings that have validity. I have an actual personality that a) has NOTHING to do with ADHD or medication and b) exists regardless of their self-soothing labeling. Yes, some people have problems with medication and don't realize it. Yes, medication can sometimes make people wiggy. I HAVE HAD THAT PROBLEM. I am not having it now.

...in response to this weird recent trend, know that I feel a lot better these days...although you didn't ask, because you were too busy telling me what's going on with me. It's obvious to me, even if it isn't obvious to you, that your discomfort has far more to do with you than it does with me.

It's just paradoxical that by working to become healthier, I have people in my life that were more comfortable with me "sick". Any further explanation would require a novel. My advice to the fellow ADHDer is to be very careful with the feedback that other people will give you when you're working toward a healthier you. Yes, sometimes meds cause problems, and that is not good.

But if you are truly feeling calmer, more focused, motivated and upbeat about your life and a handful of the people who used to enjoy you as a chaos buddy start telling you there's something wrong with you? Steer as compassionately clear as possible, and just keep doin' what yer doin'. Don't let other people's addictions drag you down. They have a right them, just as you have a right to your own choices...but you do not owe them your participation.

ADHD did NOT end my relationship

It's a constant topic of online discussion "my ADHD ruined my relationship" or "my partner's ADHD is ruining our relationship".

I'm not even going to get into the facets of that debate. I don't doubt that ADHD's less charming manifestations have ended a few relationships and I don't doubt that we ADHDers are real pains in the ass to live with sometimes. However, I'm more interested in the fact that currently, I am just out of a long term relationship and I can say with confidence that ADHD did not end my relationship, nor was it a contributing factor. If anything, it was a catalyst for beginning a journey to a healthier me.

I am compelled to make this statement for all of the ADHDers and partners of ADHDers out there who have gotten used to that handy excuse: knock it off! Individual situations always require individual assessments. If that assessment ends with a diagnosis of ADHD as the culprit, well then, let's call a chair a chair.

I won't go into the personal details of my own situation...my recent ex may be in fact reading this post after all (and would agree with me that ADHD was not the devil in this ball of wax). But I will say this...if ADHD had ANYTHING to do with this, it was something like this...

I have always had ADHD. As a result of my particular upbringing and personality and set of ADHD symptoms, I do, in fact suffer from the ADHD malady called "blame one's self first". I blamed myself for a lot in this relationship that I did not deserve to carry the weight of. For a long time. My diagnosis actually helped me to begin to see that fact. To own my own responsibilities and be much clearer about other people's has been a huge gift. The lines between me and other are becoming far more healthfully drawn.

And so was the case here. See? Diagnosis can help you clean a lot of shit out of your closet, that you really needed to let go of. And, I have been really exhausted this year from the experience of really WORKING through the fallout of diagnosis...when you just barely have energy to carry your own stuff that you are working through, it makes the weight of what you shouldn't be carrying seem that much heavier, and eventually you realize that you have to choose to sustain yourself and possibly let other things go...or continue to harm yourself by maintaining fuzzy borders.

The fact of the matter here is that my partner had his own very large closet of old shit to work through. He knows it, I know it, continuing our relationship was only giving him permission to continue to ignore it...and if ADHD played any role, diagnosis propelled me to stop allowing his pile of shit to continue impacting me and HIM in a negative way. ADHD did not do this...but diagnosis gave me some of the awareness that brought me here. Processing my own ADHD issues has helped me begin to learn a new, healthier way of living with myself, AND with others.

Note to self: remember where you put your pants

Seriously, I made brief reference to this a couple of days ago but after I did laundry the other day, I actually sorted my laundry a bit, which is new, and I friggin' keep forgetting that I folded all my pants and put them in the bottom drawer of the "dark" dresser. Oh I remember it now, while I'm sitting here at my office writing in my blog. But tomorrow morning...just as this morning and the morning before, I'm telling you, I will get out of the shower, come a looking for the pants...and will search through piles of laundry before I realize that oh yes...they're folded, of all things, and indeed have taken up residence in that drawer, the very drawer I put them in. ADHDers reading this no doubt have their own dumbass adventures of this sort to share and if so, I issue a call to all of you...to start your own blogs, and set reminders to actually write in them.

I'm serious...do you think it's fun for me airing my ADHD laundry in front of the world (or at least my readers)? I guess it's better than sticking it in a drawer and not dealing with it...like MY PANTS. Get it...it's all a ridiculous metaphor for the fact that we are as sick as our accidental secrets (or the fact that we can't even find them) As long as we refuse to expose the realities of our "condition" the public will continue to make up its own minds about who ADHDers are, and what ADHDers do. We're a rather diverse group, in case you hadn't figured that out yet, and a lot of people have not figured that out yet.

The other thing is...you might learn some interesting things about yourself when you go back and read what you wrote (I know I have).

I know blogging's not for everyone...so I'm not intending to pressure anyone. And not everyone enjoys writing...I happen to, so for me, this is an ideal vehicle for processing. However...even if you don't like to write, perhaps there are other ways you can share your experience (and by share, I do NOT mean walking into your boss's office and yelling "Merry Fucking Christmas, I have ADHD! Not only is it a gift, but it's MY gift to YOU!"). Sharing your experience doesn't even have to mean telling other people about it. Sharing your experience can mean using it for a variety of interesting purposes. I think I posted a while back about going to a local mental health peer group to give a talk, from a peer's perspective, about organizing projects. Certainly nobody at the mental health peer center was going to judge me because of ADHD, haha...maybe just because of my weird hairdo.... Maybe sharing your ADHD with the world means allowing yourself more compassion for others and THEIR unique challenges, in any setting.

So no, ADHD may not be "a gift" but you sure can translate your experiences as an ADHDer into a variety of productive outlets.

Really, if one of you could teach me how to remember where my effing pants are on a regular basis (besides leaving them in a pile next to the empty dresser where I can see them) that would be a godsend! Perhaps I should address a different audience for that, haha...actually...

I'll tell you what I'd really like a hot tip for...where to get a really perfect dresser. I've been thinking about this a lot this week, for obvious reasons. For the amount of clothes I own, in need to be about 6 ft. wide, about 5 ft. to the wall, and the three drawers need to be about 12 inches deep, NO DEEPER. And the fronts of the drawers must be clear, so I can see that clothes live in that piece of furniture.

That way...all of my clothes would be easily see-able in shallow layers, and I could turn and look at the clear front and and go "oh yeah! I have clothes in there" and then open the drawer all the way (the back of the unit needs to be weighted so it doesn't tip over when I pull the drawer all the way out). The clothes will be easy to pick through even if they are not totally organized.

Heaven.

No judgment, no pain...with a place like that to put my clothes I could actually cultivate a habit of at least sorting my clothes by type, if not folding them. That would be a huge step for me. Right now I'm still afraid that if I put things away I'll forget them, even if they're important, like pants. It's these kinds of things that the non-ADHDers in our lives cannot fathom, and get frustrated with and to YOU, you poor oppressed partners of ADHDers...and I mean this with all due respect and kindness...it doesn't really matter if you get it or not. You have a right to have YOUR needs and methods respected, and within reason, so do we. And within our agreed upon personal space (and anyone living with an ADHDer should have figured out by now that each person SHOULD have a little slice of their own space) you basically need to shut your piehole about how we do what we do.

Yeah yeah, I know...you have to shoot us in the ass to do certain things, or complete certain things...I totally get that. And those things should exist somewhere in the "where my ADHD fucks up your program" category. If it's not fucking up your program, leave us alone.

And don't share dressers with us ;)

Anxiety, my rude, neurotic room-mate

I have always had an ambient buzz of anxiety sitting in my body. Always. Thanks to Remeron, not anymore! Which is great. But it means that when I DO experience anxiety recently, I REALLY notice it. I think because it's no longer a constant...it's just popping up in appropriate places, instead of being the annoying electrical whine-hum in every scene.

Basically I spent my life with a screaming person (anxiety!) in my house in the next room over. Instead of dealing with it, for 30+ years (my longest relationship ever, by far) I simply kept the door to their room closed. because I had to. You just can't get through life with a screamer like that if you actually acknowledge it all the time. I could still hear the screams and the sound had me on edge, constantly...but the sound was muffled a little bit. Now, I've stopped pacing, flung the door open wide, and have the luxury, at last of the energy to find new ways to deal with this issue. The Mirtazapine, a tetracyclic antidepressant sometimes used to treat anxiety (generic for Remeron), flat out shuts the screamer up much of the time and the silence is GORgeous so it doesn't matter if the door is open or closed. But sometimes the screamer has a legitimate complaint and will start screaming again and in comparison to the silence, that sound is hell (better than a randomly screaming screamer though!). Door's open and I can't ignore the screamer. So I might actually stop in the doorway and ask the screamer what's wrong. And if the screamer can tell me, I can deal with their concern, and maybe get them to stop screaming. A few times, when I was in the middle of a stressful project this weekend, I couldn't figure out what in the hell was wrong with that screamer...but they got tired and stopped screaming after a couple of days anyway. Eventually maybe I'll learn how to understand what the screamer is telling me in those kinds of situations but...ongoing project I guess.

The feeling of all of this is new though so at first I thought oh crap...something bad is happening again with medication. But in this case I'm fairly certain (because I feel SO relaxed most of the rest of the time) that it's just a matter of readjusting. And how cool is this...I used to live with anxiety that I had to expend enormous amounts of energy trying to ignore because it was so constant that over-ride (and giving in to obsessive-compulsive behaviors from time to time) was what I had to do to get through the day. I had to say "that's just anxiety making decisions for me so I have to ignore it" and push through my feelings and just act. It was a matter of survival, not choice. Now...much of the time the anxiety just isn't there and I marvel at how thin that line was between relaxation and the constant, malicious buzz. So that now, when I DO feel it...it is safer for me to check in with myself about why I am feeling that way, and actually consider if that anxiety is giving me good information that I can actually use to make decisions! I can at least use it to try to understand why certain things makes me nervous, and then proceed from there.

When ambient anxiety was my daily reality, I think that my method of coping was just fine...ignoring my feelings and even giving in to some impulses I shouldn't have was what I needed to do, and it was the only thing I COULD do under the circumstances. This process is freeing my feelings and allowing me to trust myself that much more, because the blatantly questionable anxiousness has been eliminated. Revolution and nothing less.

I am not thinking in terms of regret but I can't help thinking about the millions examples of how anxiety was running the show for me. Its tentacles wrapped around and through me and throughout every aspect of my life. And that line was so thin all that time...life without anxiety was available to me all that time. Seriously, it's pointless to regret decisions that I clearly wasn't ready to make earlier in life but it's pretty stunning to ponder.

Another fascinating tweak of understanding anxiety better is that I feel that I understand the line (at least for me) between anxiety and what we presently call ADHD that much better now. Some people experience anxiety as a result of ADHD, and I think that I also have that experience at times. But the weird ways that anxiety would nest in my body and my thoughts...it's just not the same thing. I get a little amped up when I'm worried because I'm feeling disorganized, but it's different from the ball that sat for probably 18 years beneath my left shoulder blade. The constant throat clearing that I couldn't stop myself from when I would just feel wiggy for no reason. The ambient sense of impending action or reaction. The self-consciousness of worry.

A perfect illustration of where the line is, exactly, is this: sitting in a meeting as I was yesterday. I arrived at the meeting and sat in my chair. I was feeling fairly relaxed, though groggy as I usually do in the morning. Doesn't matter what time I go to sleep at night or how much sleep I get, I'm not feeling awesome until about an hour or two after I wake up. I'm sitting in the chair, free of ambient anxiety. But I can't hold my mind still...and I'm watching other people in the meeting...and I start picking my finger nails, and I start jiggling my leg, and I start repositioning my legs under me like a little kid trying to get comfy in a big people chair except I'm in a conference room and I have to remind myself to adopt an adult posture, and then I realize that there's a bank president sitting next to me and what is this person going to think of me if they notice that--oh hey, is there a water cooler in here, nope just coffee, get up to get water, no, don't get up, then they're know you're not paying attention, stifle impulse, watch others, moves legs, wiggle feet in shoes, glad I wore what I did because it's cold in the room, checking out paintings on the far wall (I don't like rooms with nothing on the wall when I have to wait, that's the worst).

This whole time, between bouts of figeting I'm working to appear that I am listening. Occasionally I try taking notes, but realize there's not much to take notes about and of course once I realize that my mind is off an running again and I am spending the meeting working to appear that I'm paying attention instead of actually paying attention and THAT is the problem.

The funny thing about these kinds of situations is that because you're paying attention to everything else going on in the room you start to notice the others who can't pay attention. They're not everywhere but they ARE in places you wouldn't expect sometimes., like in this meeting Some of the most powerful, wealthy players in many circles are the ones that can't pay attention and keep checking their Blackberries, and accidentally interrupt people, but they're charismatic and funny and they get away with it because all of these behaviors are--for those who have ever taken an acting class or studied human behavior--high status behaviors and if you have money and status people expect you to display these kinds of behaviors. If you aren't rich or powerful people label you in a very different way. In the right situations, interrupting, refusing attention, and commanding attention with charisma are signs that someone is of higher status than you, or at least they think they are. They are also signs that an ADHDer was lucky and resourceful enough to quickly get themselves into a position in life where those behaviors will get them promoted instead of fired. I would bet there's a pretty even split between business people having these characteristics consciously or as a result of earned status...and having them because they have ADHD and think out of the box. The right circumstances and maybe even some compulsive ADHD risk-taking put them in the fortunate position of being "the boss" or the shot caller instead of in the unemployment line.

So...what I forgot to mention previously was that I took my Vyvanse not long after I sat down in the meeting. I fidgeted and worked to appear normal for nearly an hour...then the Vyvanse started working and I was able to sit still and contribute to the conversation instead of just skipping through it like a rock on a lake. Suddenly I wasn't even noticing the people around me because...I didn't care, because my brain wasn't flying.

This whole time, I did NOT feel anxious. That feeling I've come to know as anxiety was not even in check, it simply did not exist.

And this seems to be the pattern, the new way of things. The Mirtazapine soothes the anxiety away and the Vyvanse stills my mind.

I just can't believe I lived like that all this time! Gee, I wonder why it was easier to constantly make "new" choices instead of stick around long enough to really challenge my intellect and set some goals. Between my disordered anxiety and ADHD I was already spending so much energy fighting to appear "normal" I could have been...well, exactly where I am now. Finally able to explore the other possibilities, whatever they may prove to be.

Helluva week kid, helluva week

Spent a couple of days recovering from overwork. A large percentage of the reasons I ended up in an overcommitment pickle relate directly to my ADHD and its impact on my decision-making abilities and self esteem. Just knowing that this cause exists has already made it easier for me to begin to stop self-medicating through overworking. And I feel like certain aspects of just getting through daily life seem...a little easier in the last few days?

I'm actually using my calendar now because my iPhone reminds me, with a pleasant little chime, of calendar items. (<-----Seriously, this is shocking.) I wasn't stressed beyond belief yesterday so when I did my laundry I actually sort of divided it into separate piles (remembering that I'd actually put my pants in a drawer this morning though was a challenge...).

And last night I did this thing I've been doing for a few weeks where I clean out my bag once a week or when the accumulation of random crap in it becomes too cluttery. What's this? A...habit forming? Sort of? I actually notice and am annoyed faster by the clutter now, when it's still just a smidge instead of suddenly noticing it and being pissed and out of control when it's Mt. Everest-sized or when someone comments on it and embarrasses me. (Do yourself a HUGE favor and read the article Messy Purse Girls one of my favorite articles about girls/women with ADHD). Even in the course of about seven days though it's amazing how much accumulates in there, particularly in the paper department.

In the last few days I:

• Completed a huge project.
  
• Fielded tons of emails and interpersonal scheduling issues and am re-learning how to deal with these and pace myself.
  
• Broke up with the boyfriend. We still live in the same house while we're figuring what to do next. Urgh.
  
• Identified a new relationship with my anxiety (that gets its own post momentarily).
  
• Pinpointed what may be causing me what seems like more anxiety even though I swear I'm "getting better".
• Attended my first board meeting for a city planning board that I was asked to join.
• Am drowning because our junior paralegal at work has been out sick...so the entire workload for the office are on my desk...and it's over my head (literally higher than my head, not beyond my abilities, haha)...and I'm in the middle of re-learning how to prioritize my OWN workload differently, never mind someone else's on top of it.

Damn...I'm fielding a lot right now. But I swear I feel stress leaving my body more frequently (instead of just festering) and I can actually choose to relax sometimes now instead of being constantly on edge.

And as much as I hate to say it...I am also feeling less stressed since the breakup. I won't bore with details...but I will say this. My boyfriend is a nice person, who for various reasons was adding a lot of stress to my existence right now, and I just didn't need that. I need to really focus on my core right now, and our relationship was pulling energy I didn't have to spare, away from my core. And...it was a great excuse for him to avoid dealing with his OWN "stuff". Now we've both got all the self-discovery space in the world.

I've got a lot of "work" to do but...it just doesn't feel as hard to just do what I need to do. Right now. More space for personal growth but damn, it's easier to attend to when you're not just shackled by stress.