Sunday, October 25, 2009

Nearly Perfect

Saturdays are work days for me. I set up a community event each week that runs throughout the day. I love it...I don't love getting up a 6AM to be there to greet everyone as they arrive, but once I'm there, I love greeting everyone, helping people get set up, them helping me set up...I spend the rest of the day once we're open running around, fielding questions, chatting, networking, learning people's life stories (people tell me the damndest things sometimes, lol).

My parents' business is right down the street and I pop in there from time to time throughout the day...other community events are usually happening too, so I roam around there and gather information, and make connections. This is me at my best. It's also my perfect vision for a community...all of this activity centered around commerce based in handmade items and local businesses. Heaven.

People know that I am there each Saturday so people who need to talk to me there find me. I hit the farmers' market for some groceries. The kids running the environmental awareness fiesta across the street are cackling like monkies, setting up tents, chugging coffee from the shops on the street. Enter the musicians...suddenly a big, loud happy hippy band is playing in front of the gov't buildings across the street. We've got a big ol' party on our hands here, folks. Then our music-guy arrives. Mike is a consummate professional, always there when he says he'll be there, with great songs. Unfortunately his tent was nabbed by the environment educators across the him a coffee shop to play in on the street!

Even my medication was cooperating. I had, just a few days before, doubled the anti-anxiety (mirtazapine) and took two days off from the stimulant (Vyvanse). On this particular morning, I was feeling great and seemed to be adjusting to the anti-anxiety. I felt good. So I took the Vyvanse, and within an hour just felt even calmer, able to just talk to people...I bounced around from tent to tent, but not with the usual sense of frenzy and was with a sense of purpose, and a certain methodical order. I always get done what I need to get done...but usually feel rushed and exhausted by the end of the day, and am madly taking notes that whole time. But not this time...I just felt calm. If people had questions I couldn't answer on the spot, I simply asked them to email me. And the iPhone? Don't even get me started...okay okay, I'm already started, that thing rocks. Finally. Yes, I got it working, and I love the little reminder alarms of things I need to do, and I loved being able to just post stuff online from the event, while I was there! Also importantly, I like being able to choose pleasant reminder sounds...usually cell phones have ring tones that are abrasive at best, and of course, sensitive to sounds as I am I can't have some metallic, screeching version of "Dixie" reminding me to get up in the morning, or run errands.

Yesterday, it was POURING rain the whole time. And I didn't care. I said, nearly perfect.What changed between yesterday and my melt-down a week earlier? Let's see...well the meds seem to have adjusted, which helps. But beyond that...I think I am over the initial shock of finding myself in a totally new life. And I am finally accepting that although the people, places and things in my life really ARE chaotic, because an ADHD mind chose them...I have the power to make different choices going forward. And I have the choice to take a pause to find a new path, when having to deal with the old situations. I just have to remind myself that when things feel shitty and when I feel like I have no control...that's okay, and it won't last forever.

Back to the street party...this was what is becoming just a regular Saturday in our little city. A little city known for being pretty sleepy in the past. It seems to be waking up and I'm proud to be a part of it. How cool is that, that it was raining, and I mean pouring, and people were out anyway, taking part in all of these things? And that these things were all even happening inthe first place...

Yesterday I also had a piece published in the local paper, about taking back power, and making things happen in your community, through your own efforts instead of complaining or abandoning the ship. It was good timing for me to feel acknowledged for my work. For the past week I have been feeling privately overwhelmed, even while maintaining my "public" work. Anchoring myself to the community again by seeing my work in action (and that of others) AND having it acknowledged...helped to bring me back to the surface. Even though I am not someone who needs constant ego stroking, I AM always happier when anchored to a community, so...I guess I needed that dialogue. I don't normally need the acknowledgement but...this week I needed to feel like I mattered. It energized me within myself and re-energized me to recycle the energy into more community work.

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