Friday, October 30, 2009

Unexpected Casualty

I used to be able to fly by the seat of my pants, and actually I rather excelled at it. Interestingly, now that the meds are working, I am slightly less able to just "roll" with complete and utter chaos.

I have always been a just didn't matter so much to me if whole chunks of the plan blew sky high because I could improvise within the framework of the situation. I attribute this to the fact that I was AWARE of the details...the important ones...the big picture ones...the kind that can help you fake your way through the tiny ones, the detail ones that I would always discover at the last minute and then cleverly spackle with one part ADHD "pulling it out of my random ass" and one part good humor.

These days I seem to need to plan a little more. Because it's easier for me to see the depth of details involved, not just the overview. I used to grab the overview sketch and then color in the open spots as I went and I was good at it, but at times was suspenseful. Now...well I'm still figuring out how to deal with this. I mean you can't predict everything...and I know people who spend so much time planning that they never get anything done and I don't want to be like that.

I guess what it comes down to is that maybe now I need a little extra time. I often give myself extra time for important things because I know that I need extra time to account for all the things that will distract me along the way to the finish line. This is a different kind of extra time. It's me starting to go "oh shit...I'm going to have to take care of THAT too"...when looking at a project, because I see things I didn't before. Now I need extra time to plan, instead of extra time to account for distractions and flying by the seat of my pants!

And uh, no surprise, with a big project going off this weekend, tomorrow in fact, how do you supposed I'm feeling? I've never done this before quite like this and the last minute details, since last night, have sent me right off the end of anxiety-land. I have obsessively cleared my throat so many time that I have sore muscles. I'm really garbage for conversation at the moment too, which is pretty funny in my case (I uh...I talk a lot). I guess it makes sense...I mean what was there to get stressed out about before, when I wasn't even seeing the whole picture. Now I see the whole thing, and the infinite detail (seems that way right now anyway) and I really have to learn to deal with this stress.

*pause while adds note to list of things to talk to therapist about next week*

And uh...oh, yeah that's all. I actually better go take care of some of these details in hopes of being able to relax...

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