Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Learning to drive my new brain

My normal state of brain is such that I notice everything. Every sound, detail, item to be done, I cannot filter it out. I know some of you are sitting there thinking "I wish my brain did that, I'd love to be able to notice detail" and to that I you don't. It's annoying, it's stressful, and if you think this way and have ADHD you have no inkling of how to prioritize any of this and your life begins to look AND feel like a giant mountain of "OH SHIT." or "PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP.".

Pair this with a faulty short term memory, and basically I run around like a chicken with no head...I know what needs to be done, but I can't prioritize it, and I also can't get it all done, and my neighbor downstairs needs to shut up, and people need to quit popping into my office and the boyfriend REALLY needs to not complain about the livingroom being messy when I literally am on the verge of a panic attack over it all. I start working on one thing, and then remember another thing, and then do that instead, and forget the first thing...if I'm lucky I wrote it down somewhere, so then I'm running around following my bread-crumb trail of post its and all the while I'm sort of getting a bunch of unrelated stuff done...and the only way to really DO life like this with any success is to start WAY early on anything, and then spend way too many extra hours getting it done. It's why I work between 12 and 18 hours a day, don't get enough sleep and can't stand my brain sometimes.

The meds make me calmer, and actually help me notice LESS, which I like, because I can just sit and finish things.

However, last night, I was supposed to meet with my classmates to finish an assignment that we have to turn in today. I have been struggling to catch up. I am usually the person in the group pushing the group forward because I know that I need extra time to finish things. Now that I'm all reeeelaxed I don't know sometimes what to do about how to organize myself. Last night I get home from work, and normally I would sit down and check my email messages however, now that my brain is more relaxed I realized I had really enjoyed being away from electronic devices and additional input during the day and...instead, happy, relaxed, calm and focused, I spent three hours cleaning the house (something I actually sort of enjoy doing). Got done...went to the computer...only to realize that my classmates had met without me, and had to finish most of the project...without me. Because I was just feeling so friggin' fantastic that I let life happen instead of holding it in a death grip and...just didn't show up for my classmates!

I know that this is actually an improvement for me, that I was able to "forget" something in that way, and actually be productive and relaxed. But um...I don't think my classmates are going to see it that way.

Heh. Oops. Sort of like my friend's teenage daughter who just got her license and flipped her truck over. She wasn't mortally wounded, so we all just said "thank goodness she could just learn that lesson" without literally dying. I might actually academically die this semester, but I guess at least I'm learning how to drive my new brain and the meds are doing what they're supposed to do...classic case of "pills don't teach skills".

1 comment:

  1. Every, not just some, detail,sound,sight....never stops. You have a way of saying(typing) things, that I wish I could explain to people, about myself.

    All I can do is, bite my tounge, and not say: "If you think or wish you could have my brain(mind), and the way I come up these ideas about things. Then if your wish ever came true, you would get down on your knees and cry, and wish you had not."

    "It would be too much to take, suddenly. I've been dealing with this brain for 49 yrs.,and I am still trying to control it. It never stops."

    I rekon they will never understand completely....I pray they never will....Know how it feels.