Sunday, December 13, 2009

I'm not helpless, just hungry...

Tried the new the double dose of Remeron. Okay actually I tried 1.5 and after 3 hours I hadn't turned into a pumpkin so I took that last half tablet. That was a couple days ago now. I feel less anxious, NOT drugged or drowsy really...and really, really hungry. REALLY hungry, lol.

But I think this is an improvement, and without the usual drama. And suddenly I am able to remember dreams. I can't recall the last time, prior to this, that I could. And I used to keep acres of journals of my dreams. I like the remembering, I hope it lasts.

I'm in such a weird mood though. I thought it was PMS, I thought it was the medication. And some of it was both, PMS does throw me off, and my dosage was all screwed up. But I seem to have this lingering melancholy. No, I'm not suicidal--I love how when you're on psych meds you feel obligated to overemphasize such things. I feel like I recognize this sensation and that I used to have it a lot when I was younger. Interestingly, I grew up in the Seattle area, where there is not a lot of sunlight. And here in New England, it is winter, although I have not noticed since I moved here a particular problem with seasonal melancholy of any kind. In fact part of me has always loved the darkest days of winter, how they wrap around you, you disappear into them.

And here, where it snows a ton...there are nights where the moon comes out and hits the white ground and it's pure magic.

But I keep finding myself irritated with the darkness, irritated when the darkness claws its fingers around the world and it's only 4pm. I'm a little disgusted, I feel as though I was not ready, and was not asked. My office begins to darken and it stresses me out because it makes me realize how short the days are and how little, recently, I've been able to get done in one sitting. I've been bouncing all over, mentally speaking, so I've worked some very weird hours to make up for it. I've actually marked December 21st in the calendar in my head as the date I'm looking forward to: the solstice, the day that the days will start getting longer.

I spent the weekend mostly at my apartment and mostly cleaning, other than dinner with a friend last night. I have REALLY been enjoying the cleaning...taking the time to set the reset button on my surroundings. And honestly, when there are other things you feel you have no control over, like your own brain, or the daylight and darkness, you can always clean something and feel you've accomplished something. I also relish being able to do it as I wish, and on my own schedule again. I enjoyed having 20 tasks revolving through my mind at one time, and take as long or as short as I needed to get done whatever I felt like finishing. When I clean, I start and stop constantly and leave things propped in such a way that I notice that I haven't finished them, and when I come back through the room, I'll see that "thing" out of place and do the next step and then leave that balanced in such a way as I move on to the next that when I come back through, I will do the next step...and I keep going like that until I am tired and go to bed, or until all tasks are finished. I rotate CD's in and out of the player all the while...

I have a theory...that some of this melancholy is the result of the stimulant meds not working. They used to make my mind feel so calm and even, expressive, but even. If this Remeron experiement keeps going according to plan, then we can try a new stimulant and see if that doesn't help.

Meantime, me and Radiohead are sitting in the dark together, typing and swimming the shallows of the depths.

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