Monday, December 14, 2009

How did anyone NOT notice this...

...I am having one of those days when I seriously cannot believe that nobody ever thought "ADHD" when I was younger.

I generally avoid caffeine because it can trigger anxiety, but today, because I haven't taken my stimulant medication I am having the day from hell. I didn't take it because I'm trying to see what the Remeron is doing. However, I while I am not anxious, I am having a lethargic, groggy, emotional day from hell.

I drank a Diet Coke. Oh look, I can THINK. I can TYPE. I can focus for more than two seconds and I don't feel like I'm going to have a temper tantrum due to the exhaustion of trying to cut through mental fog! And just to drive home to clarity of the point: I never drink caffeine. I'm not a caffeine addict who can't function without it, I'm an ADHDer who needs an extra boost to function properly. There's a big difference.

I was so friggin' impaired half the time when I was younger. How did anyone not notice this!? This is why I say that "high functioning" is just another way to say "better at hiding impairment". I spent so much every day just trying to function and trying to hide it, and not even self-medicating with caffeine.

I don't know how I did it, seriously. I really don't know. I only wish that if I was going to drink caffeine it had been a cherry coke, because I'm too chicken to drink more but I really would have enjoyed that (not a good idea to chug caffeine all day when you are being medicated for anxiety, lol...).


  1. Oh, caffeine. I started sneaking coffee in about second grade. My parents gave up trying to not let me have it--I remember another adult seeing me drink some and my mom saying, no it doesn't make her hyper, it calms her down.
    I self medicated with caffeine my entire life before medication. And sudafed. Seriously--I thought I just liked the feeling of not being stuffed up, ever, but looking back I was clearly self medicating.
    It feels so freeing not to need it anymore. I was scared of medication, until I realized I've been using stimulants my whole life, might as well take the right one.

  2. Oh dang, Sudafed...see that's the thing for me, I probably would have self-medicated more, sooner, if stimulants in the wrong doses didn't cause me so many problems. At least with the caffeine I can ingest the little twinge that I need without sending myself off the anxiety deep-end...Sudafed comes in one dose and that dose makes me think I'm going to have a heart attack, lol...

    And we're lucky we didn't run through the "harder" stimulants...I didn't anyway, and knowing what I know now, I know I would have loooooved cocaine. What a mess that would have been.