Friday, October 9, 2009

Dammit...I new it all along...

I have read about how ADHDers "can do well when an external structure exists". This is allegedly why girls can do well in school but still have ADHD...because someone else is making the rules.

Well I just had an epiphany. I always date control freaks. And I don't like living with messy people. I HATE living with messy people. I like living with neatnicks who have to always put things back in the same place all the time. Hmmm.

The epiphany was precipitated by the fact that for the 18 GOD-DAMNTH time in the last week my water glass has been MISSING when I went to find it. I have a THING about my water glasses being left in the same spot. Don't ever let anyone tell you that ADHDers can't be organized. Some of us overcompensate for the lack of organization in our brains, in our rigidly controlling our physical environment. Oh I may be cluttery...but I lose my shit if my water glass is moved. Just as I will lost my shit if you move my purse, or my keys, or my slippers (which have also been moved SEVERAL times this week).

I only live with one other person so unless my cats have grown opposable thumbs, or have become suicidal (and they seem very happy) that leaves only the option boyfriend, MR. FUCKING TIDYBOWL has been moving my shit.

So...when I notived for the 18th GODDAMN time that my water glass was moved, I looked for it, and I found it in the kitchen, with the dirty dishes. (WATER GLASSES DO NOT NEED TO BE WASHED EVERY EFFING TIME YOU USE THEM. YES, I know it was MY glass.) No, I'm not having ADHD forgetting issues here...I did not, would not, will not, and HAVE NEVER not put my water glass in one of two very specific places in this apartment, because I try to do certain things the same way, all the time, to minimize the amount of time I have to spend re-inventing the wheel on everyday tasks, because everyday tasks are so DAMNED overwhelming for me. Recall that I cannot handle a ten minute shower without a little panic first because I freak out about all the "steps"...etcetcetc...can't stop thinking it's taking time away from other things I have to do...etcetcetc....

I then waited in the kitchen...and yes, this it totally evil and I don't care...and yelled into the livingroom "Where's my water glass, it seems to be missing again?". He came into the kitchen to help me look for it and I yelled "OH LOOK, IT'S RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU PUT IT WHEN YOU WERE MOVING SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE MOVED BECAUSE IT MAKES ME IRATE AND YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE CERTAIN THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE HELL ALONE!".

I don't think it will be getting moved again.

But then I'm sitting here going "SHIT. I always pick these tidy people! SHITSHITSHIT!". And so...yet again, I have chosen one of them. I chose this. I chose this; this is what I chose with my "power". And as I grow more confident in my right to assert certain kinds of reasonable rigidity in my environment, certain kinds of organization methods that may not make sense to him, but make it so that my day doesn't get overly cluttered with the desperation of trying to keep up with simple daily tasks...I am just not able to mask it anymore when he "organizes" me in such a way that it throws off my precarious world order. I know that my "order" is never going to be perfect. But I am learning to make it work in ways that help me get through my day. There's nothing wrong with that. So is that me saying "hey...I don't necessarily need someone else to create order for me"? THAT, the therapist will want to hear about. I mean really, what that means is that...for the first time in my life I am willing to let myself fail from time to time. Do you have any idea what a big step that is for a self-destructively perfectionistic person such as myself? This calls for more than Holy Cows. Perhaps...Holy...Grails? Heh!

Now that I am beginning to gain that kind of confidence...and respect my unique organizational needs I need to continue to choose neat freaks to live with? Well...okay, maybe I do actually, because the thought of someone else's clutter mixed with mine is heartstoppingly terrifying, haha, but it's different to choose them because of that, than because you can't trust yourself to organize anything yourself, in your own unique way.

I have already explained to him...1,000,000 times, the reasons that I need to do certain things in a certain way. And there's really only a handful of them. For balance, lest you form the opinion that this is really lopsided, me expecting all of this...I have totally modified my paper organization methods, and have retrained myself not to leave my "reminders" in certain areas, for HIM, not for me. It is actually a gift to him that I reuse the same glass over and over because he is "the dishwasher". And I am the one that keeps the bathroom neat and tidy. because he doesn't like cleaning bathrooms and I don't mind it for whatever our household is not the sad story of a neat person being abused by an evil clutterbug.

Is it ADHD impatience, or just the regular old kind, that is making me not give a shit about what he thinks about my routines (I'm too young for menopause so it's definitely not that)...and if that impatience, wherever it is coming from sticks with me...will domestic harmony become elusive even as my ability to keep myself organized a good portion of the time improves? Because I'll tell you what, I have spent my whole life bowing down to expectations that others have had of me, and molding myself and my actions to please their needs rather than my own, and shooting my ability to be productive in the ass because I didn't honor my own needs. And I'm done with that nasty tango. I'm not going to be my own prison guard anymore, I'm on strike.

The water glass goes next to the refrigerator OR on the coffee table. The green sponge stays on the bathroom counter, behind the tootbrushes so that I will remember to wipe the sink area down from time to time. The slippers stay under the coffee table.


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