Sunday, October 18, 2009

Blog As Lifeline: A summary of the path to insanity

To the person who asked me a specific question that I haven't answered yet, I will shortly, never fear. To regular readers: I apologize...a lot of the beginning of this is just a summary of mi vida loca...but bear with me...because the point is really the product of these details...

I am seriously at my wit's end here, and literally the only productive thing I can do right now, is write a blog post. That's a pretty sad state of affairs but...I'll give you the briefest play by play possible of the last 6 months of my life and I think you'll see exactly where I'm coming from.

  • In May of this year a flashbulb finally went on in my brain "oh shit...I think I have something wrong with my brain, maybe ADHD". Diagnosis followed, and the experiment called working my ass off to learn how to live life in a new way began.
  • My life is a totally mixed ADHD bag of brilliant achievements and baffling failures...
  • My obligations list...I just can't even go there right now. It's too long, that's all you need to know.
  • I can't do anything about the list until some of the items on it naturally expire.
  • Then I had medications kick me in the ass, and flush my precarious balance down the toilet...three times in six months.
  • I finally said "THAT IS IT", and decided that I did, indeed, need to take a week off from work and school so that I could get my head and planning screwed back on straight, to make it through all of this...and that was great until...
  • My parent's business had an unexpected and dire crisis last week and going forward that had to be dealt with...but now I feel worse than I did when I declared that it was time for a week off. And when I made THAT declaration I was in the middle of what was essentially a four day long panic attack.
  • Then I accidentally forgot about a work shift because my life is insane and I didn't have access to my online calendar..and I decided "THAT'S IT! I'm FIGURING OUT HOW TO HAVE A CALENDAR AND ORGANIZING TOOLS ON ME AT ALL TIMES...I AM TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE!!! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS MADNESS! ".
  • So I ordered an iPhone...which arrived late...was difficult to figure out how to set up...and...oh, I'll get back to this in a minute.
  • And just to remind you, for these last several months I have also worked HARD on personal organizing and book-keeping...
  • And discovered that taking drugs that WORK for ADHD actually can make life more miserable in the short term because suddenly you can SEE crazy distractions like none other.
  • Now, let me tell you about the iPhone. OH WAIT...I forgot one other awesome fact that I have not mentioned nowhere else in this financial aid check is two months late. The University screwed it up about three different ways and didn't bother to let me know anything was wrong when I called their office a handful of times to find out what in the hell was going on, so I haven't REALLY and truly been able to pay my bills. I called and went nuts on them. They allegedly sent it out on Friday. I am not holding my breath.
  • I'm so stressed and frustrated at how the more I try to learn new things, and the more I work to eliminate stress from my life, and the more I exercise responsible choices...the more my life is falling apart.
Are you ready for this? I finally got the iPhone all suited up for action because I figured hey, what's the most productive thing I can do right now; that will only HELP me. Got it all ready and looked up some organizing apps...

And, now presenting, the ends of the earth, where my sanity is about take a long was off a short pier...the password for the router is missing. It's been in the same spot for months and it's gone.

This week, the tidying boyfriend from hell has been moving some of my shit around. I've told him before that at the very least, he should not put himself in a position of being blamed by me if things are screwed because he moved my stuff....

I tried waking him up (it's 3:30AM right now). Twice. He has no clue where the password is.

I cannot even take the tiniest step to organize myself, to help myself feel better in the midst of this craziness. I am utterly powerless, it seems, to make my life not suck, because the harder I try...the more everything else that I do NOT have power to change rolls in to fuck me.


I'm not suicidal...I'm not even depressed...but I can't take this anymore. I cannot, take this, any, more. I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE. The next person that asks me for anything is getting hung up on. The next time my boyfriend moves my stuff the ultimatum is never again, or move out, because I CANNOT HANDLE THAT ANYMORE EITHER.

I have spent half of the night hysterical and sobbing because some a-hole lost a password for my one lifeline. Currently, my only lifeline.

I am so disgusted with my world right now. Utterly defeated, frustrated.


  1. As difficult as it may seem to believe this, you are in a really good place right now because NOW you FINALLY see what you must confront. You've peeled away the layers of the onion (H/T to Shrek) and see what lies within.

    The most important thing to do is to prioritize your life and allow other things to remain on the side until you get to them. You want to graduate? Then school becomes the priority and some of the other things you do...not a priority.

    Next, you need to take a realistic assessment of what you can do within a particular period of time. Six months is NOT long enough. You are 34 years aren't going to undo or (re)build habits in six months. It ain't gonna happen. HOWEVER, you may (and very likely will) get to a point where you can do almost everything you want to do. But, you also need to grapple with the ADD and that takes time.

    Finally, I can tell you that it DOES get better. (I have a blog post about this brewing in my will be "done" eventually.) It's a combination of medication, therapy, determination (LOTS of determination), time (LOTS of it), patience, laughter and crash time. Crash time is vital. Crash time is when everything is going well and, BAM, you hit a wall (like now). It's kinda like mental bumper cars. You keep going around and around when things are going great. Suddenly you bump into another car and spin in the wrong direction. You turn and turn the steering wheel and the car doesn't seem to respond are going around and around again.

    So, hang in there. You have the intelligence and the determination and, now, the full insight into what you must do. Yes, it will be a rough road at times. However, you HAVE made it this far and that was before your "insight." In addition, you have age on your side. It's better to learn you have ADD in your 30's than like me, in my late 40's. Some people don't find out until they are in their 60's or 70's! Remember, you CAN do this!

  2. Damn, I woke up this morning, re-read this post, and nope, I don't actually feel any better. That thing people like to say about "oh, you'll feel better in the morning, just go to bed" garbage. I feel like crap.

    However, I'm not going to disagree with this comment above even though it's not nice when your own readers MAKE YOU CRY. Despite the fact that I still feel like I'm been run over about 18 hundred times by a Hummer, I'm going to claw my way forward like a dying man, compelled to act to self-preserve, even though I feel my mortality like a stake through my heart. I'll mix as many metaphors as I have to in order to entertain myself out of this DISGUSTING PIT OF SHIT THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH, then I'll eat a few more shit pies as they come my way, and then I'll take a baseball bat or whatever's handy and wack the next uninvited shit that takes aim at my head and smack it so hard it flies to China (I'm on the East Coast of the US so that's pretty far).

    I had a former therapist who used to say "well how do you feel today" and I would say "angry" and he would say "well at least you're not depressed, depressed just isn't very productive, but anger can be channeled". I'm not going to really waste my energy on channeling, but I fully see that the only way out of this putrefying pit of despair and rotting chaos is to point myself bluntly in any other direction and just pray for cooperation from outside influences. Seriously, what am I going to do, just roll over and die? I mean geez, if I just rolled over and died I wouldn't be able to pass along these AWESOME ADHD BRAIN GENES to the next hypothetical generation. No...but I'm not going to guarantee that few people this week might not receive a few "fuckyougettaouttamyface-e"s if they don't just let me do what I need to do, and stay the fuck out of my way.

    Or perhaps, as my sister says, I may have to distribute a few "punch-in-the-face-free" cards.

    Personal growth sucks. And precisely because it sucks, I refuse to fail. Because letting my life continue as it was would be failure.

    Thank GOD there are people on the internet who are older and wiser and who have been here before. Yes,I have peeled away onion layers my friend, and my not so shocking report from the center of the onion is that it FRIGGIN STINKS IN HERE! But I guess even onions make things delicious eventually...after you peel them...then dice, and sautée them, and them take the magic that you made and combine it with other magic you found and make something magical...I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing now...

    Whatever...I'm sarcastic but I guess it's true. And I'm angry, but I do know how to cook.

  3. "'oh, you'll feel better in the morning, just go to bed' garbage. I feel like crap."

    That's when you know you're really done, in my experience. "Hit bottom", as they say.

    "Personal growth sucks. And precisely because it sucks, I refuse to fail. Because letting my life continue as it was would be failure."

    Awesome sentiment, exactly.

    "I am utterly powerless, it seems, to make my life not suck, because the harder I try...the more everything else that I do NOT have power to change rolls in to fuck me."

    Um, yes, except for the "to make my life not suck" part. Because that contradicts your brilliant spasm of determination in quote #2, no?

    How about this:

    "I am utterly powerless, it seems, to make life bend to my will, because the harder I try...the more everything that I do NOT have power to change rolls in to fuck me."

    Different, right? Has nothing to do with whether your life sucks or not.

    And I'm writing it because I need to read it too. *sigh* Stupid life on life's terms.