Monday, December 7, 2009

And I bet one million dollars that every ADHDer has had one of these mornings...

Because I have been experimenting with what time I take my Remeron I have been putting off taking my Vyvanse for a couple of hours the last few mornings, which has resulted in a faaaantastic review of what life is like without medication. Damn, now I remember why mornings can feel so frustrating, why the gas pump that asks you 500 questions before dispensing the gas can be SO annoying if not angering, why filling out 800 deposit slips to put money in the bank is crazymaking...this morning was the absolute pinnacle of frustration. One of those mornings where I thank God I don't have children because mommy would be either screaming like a looney or working REALLY hard not to. Mornings like these make me want to switch brains with the doubting assholes who think that ADHD doesn't exist. Yes doubters, I KNOW it doesn't make sense to YOU that these things are beyond frustrating, and that's why YOU haven't been diagnosed with a disorder! Wear my brain, without medication, for five minutes and you'll want to go back to your own world, where you have the LUXURY of natural calm, and thoughts that don't run 800 MPH.

I left my house for work at 9am. I work a 3-minute drive from my house. On the way, I needed to stop and get gas about 1/8th of a mile from my house, and stop at the bank, which is also within a mile of my house, just to make a deposit.

I arrived at work at 10am. Why? Because I got LOST, not once but TWICE on my way to work. I couldn't even tell you what my brain was doing on its way to the gas station, my first stop, all I know is suddenly I was about to drive onto the freeway before I went "oh shit!" and found a place to turn around. After getting gas, I then left for the bank...and ended up at WalMart instead. Making this more baffling was the fact that I almost never go to WalMart.

I had not yet taken my medication because I was just trying to gauge how the Remeron was affecting me without interference from the stimulant. I was not driving dangerously, I simply couldn't remember where I was going because I'm not used to having to hold thoughts in my head without medication anymore. Does that mean I shouldn't take the medication oh doubters, because it's making my brain lazy!? you have any idea how much strain it puts on your mind and body, in the form of extreme stress, to have to manage daily life WITHOUT medication and a flying brain? When I say extreme stress, I am not talking about being "like, totally annoyed" because life isn't convenient for me. I mean stress that has put me on the floor with 6-hour panic attacks. I'm talking about stress that in my childhood caused me to have my own Rheumatologist because my stress was causing an auto-immune reaction in my body. Auto-immune reaction? Means my body, because it didn't know how to process that much stress, was literally fighting itself in a potentially lethal way. And I was nine years old. And why didn't these experts diagnose me with ADHD? Remember, girls didn't have ADHD 25 years ago.

So there I was rolling into the office at 10, and I'm lucky I have a flexible schedule. As I walk into the office our assistant lets me know that the boss's office ceiling has sprung a leak and a plummer is on his way...the files that were on his desk are totally soaked and drying out in the closed file room. Clients are waiting in the front of the office to be seen...the boss starts giving me 5 sets of conflicting instructions at once about things he needs done...I'm trying to close my office door for five minutes to just regroup and every 2 minutes the boss bounces back into my office.

I woke up feeling rested and purposeful left the house to go to work, then got lost twice on my way there, and by 11am really just wanted to close the door and cry. I even ate breakfast, packed snacks like I'm supposed to, got my bank errand done despite my frustration, which was really every way, my intention to have an effective day was firm.

I took the Vyvanse. About an hour later I was able to actually begin to realize my intentions for the day without being so easily emotionally derailed--although I'm beginning to question whether or not it is actually giving me anything resembling focus. Lately I sometimes feel that it's just keeping me awake.

Big middle finger to those who tell us ADHD doesn't exist, seriously. Seriously. Days like this really drive it all home.

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