Saturday, November 28, 2009

As if I needed another reason...

...just got an email from the ex-boyfriend. Apparently the check I gave him yesterday to pay our last bills magically flew right out of his hands on the streets of Boston. Like magic! Poof! Breeze came up and just whoosh, whisked it away! Just like that!

Yeah. Well I don't believe in accidents. See, as an ADHDer, my whole life used to be a series of "accidents". There was always someone or something to blame for all of the magical, mysterious things that used to just "happen" to me. Always there was traffic, or parents or friends, or complete strangers to blame when I would forget things, or be half and hour late, or have to get up and leave in the middle of a play, or not show up to meet people when I said I would, or didn't follow through on something people were relying on me for. Always a reason...but my own fault was never the reason. My own lacking memory, or complete lack of skill in the arena of self-motivation and organization...never to blame.

About 8 years ago the pattern, for whatever reason, suddenly became very clear to me. I started trying my hardest to eliminate this kind of chaos from my life, and the first principle that I came to agreement with myself on was that no matter what, no matter where my journey took me, my ineptitude needed to stop making things suck for other people. I knew that even though I didn't totally understand why my life was so chaotic, it was INDEED chaotic and at any cost I needed to keep it to myself while I figured out what to do about it.

Coming back to this, over and over, helped me to start to figure out ways to address many of the problems that I was having. Not all of them...that's part of what lead me to a mental health center to get my brain checked out...I've mentioned hitting that wall before. I am not perfect. Nobody is...I work really hard at not crapping on others...I don't succeed 100% of the time. But I am generally aware of it when I blow things to high hell, and always acknowlege my mistake and do what I can do to correct it.

So this all comes back to my ex and he sure has a curious problem. His life is one big mysterious "OMG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?". Damn, that must be rough, having things just cave in on ya like that. All the time. And then squish out all over other people, all the time. Gosh...gee...I wonder what that's all about.

I'm here in the middle of finals last finals week of my entire grad school adventure, after three years of him being an unsupportive dink while I went through this process. And he emails me to let me know that the check mysteriously flew away and I of course am now going to have to cancel the check, possibly close and reopen a new bank account just to be the middle of finals week. I haven't even been to the bank to cash my paychecks for nearly four week because I don't have time to go to the bank.

I also, of course, already have a difficult time with time management, ESPECIALLY where my school work is concerned.

So of course it's no surprise...I already know that he really has no grasp of the helm of his life. Could it possibly be more symbolic, that check flyyyying away on the wind? No. Absolutely not. It's a perfect image. It's also yet more confirmation that I did what I needed to do in terms of ending our relationship. I can't share space with someone who takes so little responsibility for their impact on other people. I have spent 8 years of my life now on working not to have that kind of life. I WANT to take responsibility for my actions and impact on the world around me, I WANT to learn and grow so that I can learn to be more effective and not let my ADHD ruin my life and the lives of others.

I need so badly to just finish this school work...I have classmates that are depending on me to do this...but I can't ignore this issue.

I'm so angry. Just really angry. I'm going to go work on homework, have some pie, and jump back into the flow of the universe...and subtract the check cancellation fee from the damn NEW check. I would love to make him fix this for me, but who in their right mind has their ex change their bank accounts for them. Yes, I know, overkill on changing the bank accounts, but I'm that person that if I don't do it, will surely have a psycho identity theft and the universe go way back, and I'm just done tempting fate in that regard...

Damn this upsets me. He doesn't even live in the house anymore and has single-handedly hijacked my finals week. Bravo. I'm going to go be pissed about this for a while before I kick myself in the ass, quit having a pity party, and start taking repsonsibility for the parts of my week that I actually have control over.

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