I would not necessarily recommend this...

But it's funny so I'm telling you anyway.

Yesterday I knew I had some insanely boring tasks to complete at work...so I didn't just take my Concerta, I freaking doubled the dose.

I should clarify, I have taken that amount before and been fine, it just gives me a harder focus than my usual dose. My usual dose, while not a hard-focusing mechanism, DOES take the edges off of my irritability, mood swings, and general "wtf" that I wake up with every morning. I choose the lower dose because I know that it's going to be sufficient for functioning on a day when I know I'm not going to be in a prison of data scrambling and data entry for 8 straight hours.

Mother of God, I knew this was going to be the most boring day of my life...and by golly that 36 mg of Concerta had me so focused that I couldn't even put my head phones on and listen to music like I usually do because my brain was like "GIVE ME THE SILENCE I CRAVE AND DO NOT DISTURB MY MOJO WITH THIS SILLINESS". I crunched that data like it was marshmallow fluff. For nearly 8 hours...with almost no breaks. And of course, while hardly eating a thing because Concerta superpowers do not require fuel.

I am SO glad I never tried cocaine in college.

One size does not fit all...

...I read a lame cookie-cutter article about surviving college with ADHD today. Lame because it assumes that every strategy makes sense for every person with ADHD. Click here for said globalizing article

One tip in particular, really raised my hackles: stay away from online courses.

As an undergraduate, I did not have the option of online courses. I had difficulty sitting/staying in class, I had difficulty concentrating in class, I had difficulty completing reading assignments, and I graduated with a 2.6.

As a graduate student, I discovered that online classes were PERFECT FOR ME. I "attended" them when I wanted to, I worked in the middle of the night on my "classwork", I still struggled with the reading assignments, but because I had more energy and felt more engaged by the online format, I had more patience to try strategies for attacking them (like using a highlighter as I read, and reading only the first and last line of each paragraph in long articles, so that I could get the basic gist of them instead of trying to slog through every detail for 35 pages). I graduated with a 3.73.

I would not have survived grad school without the option for online classes, if only because I absolutely cannot sit still for 4 hour classes on a regular basis, without professors who don't mind me doing other stuff during class (like flipping through People magazine...I listen better when I'm multitasking). I realize this is not the case for everyone...but writing is one of my strong points, and I find online discussions engaging, so for me, perfect. The courses are visually structured for you online so as long as you are engaged enough to check in and stay on top of things, the structure is already there for you, and it's there on your schedule, whatever your schedule may be. I understand why the article cautions against online formats for students with ADHD, and can especially see the potential pitfalls for younger students who are still learning how to organize their lives and their study habits...but for some students this is a much better option, and I hate the idea that others might read this article and not explore that option, when it might actually help them.

If they're not willing to give the article the space it needs to truly be informative, I wish they wouldn't even publish stuff like this. I can just see an editor going "yeaaaah...could you cut this 3,000-word article down to a 650-word one-size-fits-all soundbite? thanks s'much..."....

Oh come on now...

...I didn't realize that I'd run out of refills on my 25mg nortriptyline. I have 10mg ones and can double them up to get by, but after a few days, the missing 5mg starts to matter...as you can probably tell from my previous post. Cheers to that...

I'd called the last pharmacy that had filled the prescription to get my refill and was informed that I was out. Oops.

Well that's okay, I just needed to call my prescriber for a refill. I called, I left the message and I was VERY SPECIFIC about which pharmacy to leave it at, because I don't have a car, and I can only get to the one closest to my house on a regular basis.

And of course when I called to see if my prescription was ready (because nobody ever called to tell me if they'd gotten the message or filled the prescription) I was informed that I had called the wrong pharmacy because duh, my meds are totally at a pharmacy that I can't get to. And tomorrow is the one day of the week where my husband's schedule (he who has the car) is inflexible.

We'll get it figured out and everything will be fine, but I wrote this whole pathetic episode out solely for the purpose of demonstrating that the stakes are a little higher in these situations for people who have ADHD or in my case anxiety. It's enough work for me to organize myself and my life...without my mental health prescriber's office (haha, that is pretty funny) screwing up my meds for me like that, so that I have to figure out how to get the meds AND I have to go probably a couple more days without medication that I really genuinely need right now.

Boo. First-world problem, but boo anyway.

Who pressed the mayhem button...?

I have learned something about blended families with joint custody situations that I honestly don't like very much: every re-settlement of the children into their next destination requires time to settle in.

Disclaimer: I am not writing this to say that children should not have to endure joint custody arrangements between their divorced parents...I firmly believe that when both parents are attentive, relatively healthy people who can and should be having a hands-on experience raising their children, then they should be. And of course, studies show that children are always better off having more contact with their biological parents, as many as may be living and available. That said...every time our children return to the nest after four days at mommy's house, it's like some sick sadist has pressed the mayhem button.

What comes next involves: hours of rapid-fire questions/demands for "stuff", a lot of need for reassurance and hugs, a lot of NEED in general, easily agitated children with short fuses who frequently exact emotional warfare on one another and must be parented into positive behavior...over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...fights over tv shows, fights over food, fights over...everything you can possibly think of.

Part of it is excitement: we haven't seen each other for days and naturally a return involves happy excitement.

Part of it is: there's some different rules and realities at mommy's house and daddy's house (no judgement, just a fact) and they have to adjust to that.

Part of it is: they're feeling unsettled because they're on the move and have to reacquaint themselves with the home, and make sure everything's still "the same".

Generally this is only Day One and that's understandable.

As an adult with ADHD and anxiety, there's a lot about this that sets me on edge. It's a LOT to juggle, period. And unfortunately, because it's so predictable, I often experience a high degree of anxiety leading into it, which I then have to juggle appropriately on top of the juggling of the children. I am always glad to see them when they come back but it's coupled with a sense of anxious anticipation that is not allayed when of course, that anxiety is confirmed to be somewhat justified.

It is genuinely stressful having these elements land in your home, no matter where they are coming from or who is creating them.

Because the needs of the children must be prioritized, it's important to me to make sure that a few things happen. Let's lay this out, shall we:

1) I try to always make sure that I am home that first evening that they return. Both Sonny and I have a lot of work-related evening obligations, and we both make an effort to make being home that first night a priority, when the kids REALLY need reassurance and welcoming. When framed with my anxiety of course, this feels like the exact opposite of what I should be doing. My anxiety tells me to run. My logical parenting brain tells me I must be present. The logical parenting brain wins, but what do I do about the anxious voice that won't go away?

2) I remind myself that in our home, this is "normal". Again...this feels backwards, but it IS normal.

But will it ever feel "ok"? Will it ever not stress me out?

Lately I see with clarity how people turn to religion, drugs and alcohol to cope with life. I know that none of those are apt or appropriate choices for me, but I wish I could find a mental framework that would soothe me through these transitions.

Workplace ADHD Hazard #245: The guy across the room talking on the phone

...when you're trying to listen to a conference call at your desk...where you're the one that's supposed to be demo-ing the new database for a group of other people, but to do the demo you have to be able to hear the instructions that are being given to you...but you can't follow the instructions because the guy across the room is talking on HIS phone and it's literally impossible to focus with that distraction in the room, with the sound of his voice layered on top of the sound of your speakerphone.

Sort of felt like my brain might explode.

I can feel my holes...can you feel yours?

Alright, so you know how we with the ADHD sometimes have memory deficiencies, difficulty prioritizing things, can get cognitively constipated, and the like?

I'm a smart person, people say I'm fairly "quick" and "witty", but of course I DO clearly have ADHD which means I've found some curvy methods for getting to the end points in life.

But I can FEEL it when my brain isn't working. It's like I'm driving golf balls for a while and they're flying beautifully off into the sky and then suddenly WHOA, who put that brick wall there! The balls of thought bounce back at me no matter how hard I try to hit them away. It's a deadness in my thought pattern that cannot be revived through artificial means. It's a sensation that's palpable like a blanket in a baby's hand.

I also KNOW that I forgot SOMETHING but I can't tell you what IT is. I know it relates to YOU somehow and that I was supposed to remember it, and it bothers me until I figure it out. I know that seems odd to people who don't have that problem, because I see that people think it's odd when I try to retrace my thought process out loud. But I've learned that it's better, for example, at work, to admit that you don't know and you have to go look through your notes, even for something simple like details about a phone call you JUST had 10 minutes before that you're not sure that you actually had...until you see the note in your own handwriting. Fortunately I've had many employers who are willing to let my results speak for themselves, and who don't worry about my process for producing those results.

It's like looking at a person's face but not being able to see the features on it (please know this is a metaphor, not a new mental health problem, lol). I can see the outline of the face, and I know a person is THERE, but I can't tell you who they are or what their expression is, or what they are trying to tell me.

This is why I take a lot of notes...I KNOW the holes are there and often, the notes help fill them in. Sometimes it's just a function of time though and notes mean nothing...I used to joke often that my memory is actually very good, it just runs on a 10-20 minute delay. A 10-20 minute delay that I'm acutely aware of...that sits there like a hole I can't fill with immediate recall, but which, over time, slowly comes into focus after I take a first pass, and a second pass...and write myself a note to take a third pass later...

Sometimes it doesn't make sense to people (without ADHD) that I can SEE that there's an issue, but I can't immediately "fix" the issue. I can see myself that it's odd, really, it doesn't make sense. If you know there's a problem you should be able to fix it. It's simple logic. And to that I say "this is why they call it a disorder". Furthermore, it's a currently incurable disorder.

...sometimes it's like there's too much information and I can tell that my mind is "working" on the information, but I can't connect the dots immediately. Then, suddenly, all dots connect at once. Or sometimes dots connect immediately on something totally seemingly unrelated to the topic at hand...sometimes it IS actually totally relevant but the conversation hasn't gotten to that point yet...sometimes my mind has decided "this is a stupid topic and a waste of my time, I'm moving on". I AWARE that it's all happening when it's happening.

It reminds me, in a small way, of a man that I read about once, who had Alzheimer's. He was a painter, and he was aware of what he was losing, as he was losing it, and could show it to others, simply by painting a portrait. As the disease impaired his cognition, it invaded his ability to paint, it eroded both his inherent talent as well as his technical skills. And for quite a while, he was aware of exactly what was happening, but he couldn't stop it or control it. His paintings slowly lost their definition, their detail until indeed, all that was left were the abstract suggestions of faces and landscapes.

Thankfully, ADHD isn't quite like that...it's isn't progressive. But I wonder many times if others with ADHD have that same awareness of the "gaps". Sometimes keeping track of the gaps is exhausting. In the last few years, I have had to learn to let some of them go, in order to let go of some of my anxiety...and adjusting to that is hard, it makes me feel a little less "in control".

Can you feel your holes? Do you sense the gaps? What do you do to try to keep track of them?

I am the voice of Christmas future...

I'm coming at this ADHD thing from a variety of angles. I am a grown-up with a diagnosis of ADHD and an anxiety disorder. I am a step-parent to at least one child with ADHD and again, an anxiety disorder (though I would bet money if I had it that we have a second diagnosis coming our way among the children). I am also the wife of a person who also has...drumroll please...ADHD and an anxiety disorder.

As such, I read blogs and online resources for adults with ADHD, for spouses of people with ADHD and for parents of children with ADHD.

When I comment on the first two I am speaking to my peers...but when I comment on blogs for parents, I am among peers, but I also represent something else: the future.

Every child with ADHD is an individual, and every one of those individuals has different challenges, different gifts, and different interactions with the world around them, so I don't mean to say that I am what and who every parent's child will turn out to be, but there is something I genuinely wish to offer and that is hope.

Because I am a step-parent, I understand what it feels like to worry that your child will continue to struggle...will continue to have challenges...and to worry that you won't always be there to help them through these times. But because I also have ADHD I know that there is life beyond these worries.

The best thing you can do is yes, try to help your children, try to teach them how to cope...and as importantly, to give them a little space to have the chance to fail because that's when they have a chance to show you, and to show themselves, what they've learned.

Recently, my stepdaughter seems to have some symptom resurgence, the likes of which we hadn't seen for many, many months and we (and the family therapist and family doctor) finally realized "what a minute...she's a child and she's growing, she may need a higher dose of medication". And that's most likely the plan that her father and bio-mom are going to go with. Step-daughter complained recently that she didn't feel like herself and blamed the medication...but I think the real problem is that she is feeling like she used to before she took medication and can't think of anything else to blame...because she's just 9. That's certainly what her behavior would lead one to suspect anyway...

But this all got me thinking...about how it's easy to revolve conversations around dosages and negative behaviors, as though it's a fight between good and evil (and oh, I understand how some days really do feel like a fight between good and evil!). I reflected on how we have also asked her to work to modify her behavior though and suddenly I saw the whole issue in a more lush and articulate way. Yes, she likely needs more medication because she's a growing girl...but she also deserves audible praise and validation for the positive changes she's made in her behavior. She deserves to be recognized for not only complying with our request that she stick with the meds, but also for making real, conscious effort at being a more thoughtful member of the family. I wrote a note in red marker on our family white board in the kitchen: "Affirmation chat with C!". I want to make sure to tell her how proud we are of the changes she's worked for, and to encourage her to keep working...and heaven knows if we don't write it down, we may forget, lol.

This is a little girl who was becoming infamous for invading other people's personal space in an overwhelming way, berating and blaming her brothers incessantly, arguing with parents in the classic total absorption of ADHD...and we have reminded her over and over that she needs to make different choices (and have helped her identify some of these choices), to respect other people by treating them more carefully, and that sometimes she needs to accept that she's not always right - or that if she believes that she is, she needs to make a different choice about how to address it. In so many ways it's becoming clear that she DOES hear us when we say these things, and she DOES work to try these new, foreign things - because she DOES care.

Among the moments of insistence and argument and obsession with the imperfections of others, and other calamities of childhood ADHD, there are moments when I see her walk into a room...perhaps not find everything to her liking...and she may choose a book and go find a quiet place to read, instead of picking a fight. She may go outside and play with the dog rather than angrily manipulate her brothers. I had a talk with her recently where I introduced the concept that arguing in the moment is not always effective and often a better choice (ahem, especially when both your father and step-mother ALSO have ADHD) is to walk away for a little while, think about what you want to say, and then pick a quiet moment later to bring it up. She pondered this with far more seriousness than I would have expected of someone just 9 years old...but I remember my own mother sharing strategies like this with me when I was her age, so I suppose I should not be so surprised.

I do have a point here and in my ADHD-way I'm getting to it: your child has a future and that future will likely be as marked by successes as by challenges. Don't ever forget that and don't ever let your child forget that. Remember to celebrate their successes...remember to celebrate your own successes.

Children with ADHD grow up to have very interesting lives. Lives that, when attended to with conscious care, can be rich, meaningful, and successful in so many ways. Lives that are unique and surprising...yes, lives filled with lost keys, ridiculous arguments, hungry cats reminding people to feed them, and other sometimes more serious challenges but UNIQUE, and wild and fulfilling. Lives that deserve all of the preparation you can give them, but lives which may require you to let go of your expectations, and allow your children to be essentially themselves, whatever that may mean.

Help them when you can, and celebrate the paths they find...

And in the meantime, if it's helpful, remember that I'm here, like so many other adults with ADHD, living a surprising, passionate, perplexing, but meaningful life full of learning and love and yes, lost keys (every morning I tell you, every damned morning)...and I'm here. And someday you child will be too.