The Big Day...

...Sonny Rollins and I are getting married this weekend. Oh YES we are. We are forming an ADHD SUPERUNION!

My ADHD secret for making your wedding NOT insane? Get as much done ahead of time as you can...and as the day gets closer, just nix stuff that's stressing you out. It's not worth it to wig yourself with the little stuff at the end. And as Sonny keeps saying, no matter what happens that day, we still end up married, and that's the important part.

We're excited, our families are excited, the kids are excited. It's possible that the dogs and cats are excited but they're just not letting on.

Sonny and I are both getting our hair did the day before...oh, there's a story...

Okay, so about two weeks ago, suddenly a bunch of stuff that we'd put in place ages ago started to fall apart. The bartender was a total douche and quit, for literally no reason. THEN, the band figured out that they'd overbooked themselves because two band members didn't talk to one another about booking. Then my dress turned green. I'm not joking. Because the bartender quit, we now had to figure out our own liquor order at the last minute. Let's see, what else...a series of unfortunate financial events, that was grand. We went to get a marriage license and city hall told us we needed a CERTIFIED copy of his divorce decree...so we went to the Court and it was closed...and after we finally got said certified copy, we went back to get the license and their printer at City Hall wasn't working! There were several other small disasters, but you get the idea. THEN, the big one: Sonny's sweet grandfather died. Again, not joking. Been healthy for 85 years and sadly, he fell ill and never recovered.

Which brings us to last night...when I realize that the wedding hair appointment that I'd set 6-8 weeks ago was at the same time as his grandfather's funeral. I didn't realize it sooner because I can't find my iPhone and hence my calendar is out of sight, out of mind. Cue the laugh track (not) as I call Sonny to say "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think I can go to the funeral because I have to have my hair done". D'oh. My hair person books WAY out. WAY out.

We were not in a happy space last night. This was the last kick in the ass that we were able to tolerate. I really wanted to go to the funeral, and Sonny certainly wanted me to come. And I did not want his family, who is just meeting me, to think of me as "the girl that didn't bother to show up for grandpa's funeral because she had to have her hair done". To clarify, this is not a wedding updo issue, this is an "I have inch-long black roots in my nearly white blonde hair and haven't had a haircut in 8-weeks" issue. I know, vanity...but when you're having 250 guests, press, and a photographer you are paying to memorialize it all, suddenly hair seems like something you want to look halfway decent. I'm no bridezilla, Sonny can confirm...but dammit, this was a bad combo of events.

I contacted my hairdresser and weirdly, she had openings for BOTH of us to go, the day before the wedding. We went to the funeral and truly, it was a nice day, a lovely funeral, and a terrific way to get to know his family, since we all convened afterward. I'm SO glad I went.

The great part about all of these disasters is that each time one has popped up, something better has popped up to replace it.

If I had less respect for the wheel of chance, I would re-name this blog "The Charmed Life of 18Channels".

So Friday night, we get to spend together, relaxing, doing nothing more than chatting and getting hair-cuts.

Letting a General Practitioner prescribe psych meds...

...is like letting an 4-year old-drive an 18-wheeler. Unfortunately many psychiatrists and psych NP's aren't much better, but at least when letting a 14 year-old drive they can at least reach the pedals. There's often still an element of experimentation but they can operate the basic machinery.

I cannot be strong enough in my opposition to GP's prescribing psych meds. GP's are not specialists. As such, they are more likely to rely on "guidelines" from the FDA to prescribe psych meds.

The FDA often says it's just dandy to give a 100 lb woman the same dosages of medications as a 200 lb man. Which in my experience is about as subtle as a stroke.

Additionally, GP's are not generally sitting around reading the latest psychiatry journals, and unfortunately for women with ADHD, whose participation as subjects in research studies is only very recent, that's very bad. We have not been studied, and are treated according to guidelines based on male subjects. Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that at the very least, female hormones make the experience of ADHD far different at times for men than for women, and that taking that into account may make treatment more effective. However, if even baseline prescribing is clumsy, such subtleties are unlikely to be taken into account.

So not only is allowing GP's to prescribe psych meds just plain crazy, it's also just plain sexist. And by sexist, indeed, I mean institutionally-sanctioned policy that favors one gender over another, passively or otherwise.

Yeah...I went there. And I'm not sorry, because frankly I'm sick and tired of watching people (of both genders) around me get fucked by inelegant prescribers, and watch useful medications get a bad reputation over it.

Medications, prescribed by a psychiatric professional who conscientiously tries to stay current on the subtleties of modern practice, and takes my opinion and knowledge into account, has been an adventure for sure (because of my own biological quirks) but has given me invaluable perspective on what drugs can and can't do, and the ability to make decisions about when and where to use them, to improve the quality of my life.

I will never allow a GP to prescribe psych meds to me without first referring me to a psych provider. Never.

10 mg of Methylphenidate...

...OMG, I just took 10mg of Methylphenidate! OMG! OMG! OMG!

I read on the internet that Methylphenidate...more commonly known as Ritalin to the "sky is falling" crowd...will murder or maim me somehow. Strangely, my limbs are still attached, there's no blood or guts, I haven't yet had heart failure...wait, have I? Hold on, I'll check...okay, still have a pulse, all good.

But here's some actual, reality-based observations from the inside:

Because I haven't filled my new prescription yet for an XR Methylphenidate, I took my old ones...and because I haven't taken any stimulants since the beginning of May because of the migraine issue I was trying to clear up (the stimulants were NOT causing the migraines but it was best not to tinker with my brain while unravelling that mystery) this is like starting back at zero.

These are the booster tablets that my NP had given me for the afternoons after the Concerta might wear off. Not taking Concerta anymore, wanting to try to generic...anyway, these little booster tabs are not extended release and you sure can feel the difference. You feel your brain "go" and then, I'm sure later, I will feel the drug just "stop" working.

I can report, beyond all reasonable doubt, that I cannot multi-task right now, at all. That's one of the things about stimulants that makes me giggle. My usual mode of operation is such that I am all about the multi-task, for better or worse...so being in a state that prevents that from happening at all is hilarious.

This all confirms what I already knew...that there are certain days when I am doing certain things where it may benefit me to not take my stimulants. There are other types of days, where I am engaging in activities that benefit from me being more focused on single tasks. Today, because I'm going to the office, I took the magic pills. This weekend, when I am running an event and need to be able to adjust my thinking on the fly to get the job done? I will not take them.

I actually do think that too many kids get "the drugs" and their meds probably aren't managed so subtlely. That's a problem, but that's one of the advantages of being a grownup, and one with a fair amount of insight. I'm learning to be able to manage my meds in a way that works best for me, based on how my life and my brain work. I am GLAD that I have stimulants as just one tool that I use for ADHD management.

One thing I notice that is interesting, is that I am not always the best judge of how well the medication is working. Most of the time I'm pretty perceptive about it, but sometimes, when I get really used to it working, I start to think it's NOT working, because everything seems so normal. Then I ask for a higher dosage...we try the higher dosage...and I go "OH SHIT, THIS IS TOO HIGH OF A DOSAGE" and then I don't want to take them, then I end up making an appointment with my prescriber, and then I'm not taking it while I'm waiting for my appointment, and everything gets all thrown off, and I start noticing that my life is getting messy again...lol...

Having put my finger on this cycle, I'm going to share it with my prescriber and I think it will help him, and me, make better collective decisions going forward about my dosing. Before changing dosages in the future, if I feel like the meds "aren't working", I'm going to take a poll of those close to me, to see what they think, or if they notice anything. It's a funny thing to have to admit that your own perceptions might not be perfect on something like this, but it's important to be able to see when you do and don't need an extra pair of eyeballs.

Alrighty then...I've had my "meth" fix for the day and I'm ready to roll :)

A small favor...

...I really just want people who don't have ADHD to stop having opinions about it. Stop talking about it, stop preaching about it, stop blathering on about it. I don't really give a crap about what you have to say about it, and honestly, I'll go out on a limb and declare that most people with ADHD probably don't care either.

I'm tempted to respond to your "opinions" every time I encounter them, in whatever format, but I'm kind of just tired of it. I would start a campaign to deny the existence of people with normal brains (since so many people with normal brains seem to hellbent on talkin' the smack about the rest of us) but...I actually need my energy to cope with the interference of ADHD in my life so, yeah, I've got better things to do.

It'll be easier for everyone if you just stop talking about it, stop presuming that you know everything about something you know nothing about...yeah...do us all a favor. Stop talking. Thanks.

Love,

18 Channels

PS: tomorrow I might have more respect for your opinions, since I'm generally into, you know, respecting other people's opinions, even when they're moronic, but right this second my ADHD has over-ridden my "giving a crap" gear, and I seem to be operating at full bore "pops into my head and comes right out on the keyboard" mode. Note to self, don't go post on Facebook right now...

What I am really capable of...

...I'm capable of quite a bit actually, it's just that some tasks are a better fit than others. As I progress in my journey of discovering the boundaries and frontiers of ADHD in my own life, I choose, more and more often, the better fit.

That means that I have to understand my options. It means I have to be willing to analyze them in relation to my own abilities. It means I have to accept not limitations exactly...but the consequences that may come from honoring, or not honoring my own strengths. It means I need to be honest with myself about those strengths (and some weaknesses) before the decision is ever made.

Many times in my ADHD life I have made decisions based on "well I CAN do that". And it's great to have a can-do attitude...but sometimes my can-do attitude pushes me to decisions that might not put me in a position of highlighting my strengths. I've had many jobs that I took because I could...many projects I've taken on because I could...now, I'm focusing on taking jobs, and projects that are really right for me...not ones I have to work to mold myself to.

A perfect example exists in the realm of librarianship (the degree I just finished in school is a library degree). I have a very analytical mind and am capable of being good at cataloging. If you are not a librarian and do not know what that means, all you need to know for the purposes of this post is that cataloging is an extremely detail-oriented and meticulous task. It also generally involves hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of sitting, without interacting with another human soul. I CAN do this. But let's discuss my other options shall we, before making a decision...

...my analytical mind is also very good at problem-solving on the fly, interacting with people, teaching people how to find information, and being persistent in finding needles in haystacks. This is the art we call Reference Librarianship. Reference Librarians so not generally spend hours and hours and hours away from people. Their whole purpose is in fact TO INTERACT with people. I am an adult with ADHD for whom the hyperactive element is indeed, a hyperactive element.

It's clear which choice I should make, in terms of placing myself in the realm of library tasks. Just because I am able to catalogue well does not mean I HAVE to do it, or even SHOULD do it. In fact, I probably shouldn't do it at all, unless I really must.

This is the kind of decisions I think about a lot these days.

I'm thinking about it right now because unfortunately, my bookkeeper just took a full-time job and isn't available to me for the sporadic tasks I generally ask her to do. And I'm under a bit of a deadline...I have a certain amount of bookkeeping I absolutely have to do sometime within the next 48 hours. I CAN do it. I'm capable of doing it. But it's causing me a lot of anxiety and is difficult to focus on, and is rather playing to my weaknesses, shall we say. Yes, I said it...weaknesses. Can't we call them something else? or shall I just accept that I have them...and find someone who can save me from this task next time it arises...sigh...yeah okay, let's go with that plan...

I can't be everything to everyone and I need to stop showing off for myself just to try to prove something...I've bought myself several years of miserable with that approach...

A possibly pointless quest...

...it's no small undertaking, being an adult with ADHD and having the responsibility of creating and upholding consistent routines for small children.

It's not impossible, it's just a little extra challenging.

But we do it every day...we put the kids to bed at the same time every night...and they get up at the same time in the morning, and they have three square meals at the same times every day, and snacks in between, and then we do it all over again. And me and Sonny Rollins aka "Daddy" always make sure to check in with each other about what "the plan" for the day is, so we are both on the same page, and have the same rules for the same things.

I just had a revelation though. I have a little obsession with "setting the re-set button". Long-time readers may recognize my term for setting things in order before going to bed, in order to minimize chaos the next day. In the case of step-parenting, that means things like straightening up the house so it's tidy in the morning, clearing dishes and making sure the kitchen is tidy (they are a little young to be responsible for this on their own...although the oldest is starting to learn)...generally making the house feel orderly and if not perfect, at least tidy and sane before we all go to bed.

Occasionally I get a little anal-retentive though about related, but possibly unnecessary issues. Like shutting off all of the noise in the house for dinner time.

I suddenly realized today, that I hadn't listened to NPR for a while. Before I moved in with Sonny and the kids, I used to listen to the news on the radio all the time. Especially when trying to be productive work on projects at night-time, etc.

Today, while "re-setting" the kitchen, I noticed the radio on the counter and turned it on...sometimes I do need quiet, silent time, but sometimes I need that extra stimulation for my brain to keep being productive.

Um...duh...maybe a little extra "stimulation" in the environment would be a little more comfy for my fellow ADHD residents of the house?

Hmmm...so I left the NPR on during dinner. The kids were quiet, polite, and ate well.

Hmmmmm. So, I will continue to "re-set" the house, but I think that from time to time, if people are feeling a little rambunctious (and they were today), I may continue to pull that trick out of my own dealing with ADHD playbook, and give the home-space a little shot of innocuous noise to make up for the collective dopamine insufficiency :)

I have to remember that while I it IS important to set a good example, and keep things orderly, that sometimes ADHD or just plain young brains need unconventional touches to make everything seem truly soothing and homey.

Fly on the wall of my life?

Hey ADHDers, take a look at this article I found online about ADHDers and puberty. I feel like I just read a transcript written by a fly on the wall of my life. Except it's written by a doc from Colorado, and I didn't grow up in Colorado. Here's the link, see if she pinned you too...

What an awesome flashback. My own awkward early teen experience was only made even MORE awkward by the fact that I was not only emotionally behind, as per the usual for most ADHDers, but I was way ahead academically. I was in advanced classes, and smoking standardized tests for dinner...and literally could not relate at all to other teenagers. At all...oh I know that every one feels awkward but I was REALLY awkward. I didn't really even know what other kids my age were talking about most of the time. I didn't act like a normal teen, really, until I was about 20, and it wasn't pretty.

What a mean trick to play on ADHD kids...we're already a little outside the box, then "just add puberty"...sheesh...can't we just give ADHDers a "get out of puberty free" card? It's a special hell, that...we don't really need any more layers!