Tuesday, March 16, 2010

...and this is why my life is NOT fun!

...I am about a month from taking my graduation exam and two months from graduation with my Masters degree and...I can hardly stand to finish any schoolwork right now.

Any ADHDer reading this can confirm that trying to undertake ANY task that your mind is simply DONE with it is, pure and simple, HELL ON EARTH. It's "senioritis" times 850, 000.

In addition, I'm a little behind right now because I'm catching up from last semester. That's not making this particular hell any more compelling, it's just making me anxious.

And to top it all off and make this scenario all the more delightfully perfect: after tinkering around with meds to temper my anxiety and ADHD, and a year of awesome work with my fantastic therapist, I find myself in a pickle. On the one hand treatment has been super effective at breaking my habit of overcommitting and overworking by making me see . Don't get me wrong...I still work like a freaking robot and get probably a little too much done...but compared to my former schedule, which was, I now realize, INSANE, which is why I had to seek treatment in the first place, I'm in tamesville.

I'm not only in tamesville, I'm in "I can't work like a superhuman anymore because I'm only human"-ville. Now that I have seen the other side and seen that my world won't come crashing down...I'm still motivated but I don't seem to be able to work 15 hours a day, seven days a week anymore. And umm...if I could really just pull that off for the next couple of weeks that would really get this whole finishing crap I don't want to thing taken care of pretty quickly!

Typing this and re-reading it...I realize I've been struggling with this for weeks (which is why I'm behind right now) and...it's kind of painful to have to admit. But...maybe writing about it will flush a little of this crap out of my system so I can just get back to work. Nothing like exposing a pile of bullshit for what it is, and having to smell it full-on, to compell action....

I'm going to have to make this confession to my therapist too, tomorrow, when I see her...because a little extra asskicking right now will only hurt in the good way....


  1. See the good thing about having ADHD is that you can do a shitload of things. But you can't overcommit!

    For me, I have to find something that distracts me from being hyperfocused on work. And that's socializing, taking walks, talking on the phone et cetra.

    Because you may have hyperactive energy - that doesn't mean you can't get tired. Just that you'll be too energetic to notice! =)

  2. This is a little bit of the problem when you find "the cure" for our gift. Pre-cure, your anxiety and general psychosis would keep you going. All your crazy coping/survival mechanisms kept you at the top of your game...but it also caused burnt out. Post-cure you are like..."ok dude...I'll get to that whenever...like...ain't life beautiful...let's stop and smell the flowers." You feel much better, a bit mellower, more in control - post-cure. But now a certain edge is gone. The drive is still there but not that continual hyper-drive. The dilemma is that going back to that earlier state - pre-cure - is a bit of hell in and of itself.