Friday, August 20, 2010

A dozen shit-filled donuts...

Life feels like a baker's dozen of shit-filled donuts right now. I get excited as I open the box and take one out...I stick it in my mouth...and discover that it's not lemon, or Boston's the shit-filled kind.

I've run into so many shit-filled donuts this year that I almost can't stand to make a decision or try anything new because I'm afraid of the shit filling and I just don't have the stamina to cope with shit filling right now. So I'm stuck. I'm depressed. I fear the very novelty I crave.

I have actually made a lot of positive choices to remove the excess chaos and novelty from my life, but where is the balance? And why, when I try new things, does life keep sending me the evil donuts.

I don't know. I can't control it. That much I'm resigned to. I just hate spending days feeling resigned.

Oh hold on now...shit donut revelation: I'm feeling anxious about making decisions about what to do next. When I was busy living by the seat of my pants and blowing around with the wind, I didn't have to make decisions. The shit-donuts are a mere distraction...they are real, but they are a distraction. And all I keep thinking about is the shit donuts.



  1. A nice little gem, Katy, even if a bit ... odiferous.

    I'm sharing on FB.

  2. Hope nobody sneaks in a shit sandwich for lunch. Worse yet is getting dogshit stuck to your shoe. There is never a wrong decision. Maybe some are more right than others.

  3. oh, I DESPISE the stuckness. and the shit donuts. and the anxiety. i have a fair amount of intimate familiarity with all three. sorry you are feeling (temporarily) so uggy-and-nervish about what to do next. i'm just impressed you've got some motivation (seems like mine has all run off and abandoned me). Something to consider (if you're up for it), that might (and then again might NOT) help a bit with the anxiety prompted by hanging around the precipice of decision-making: Think to yourself, "I don't HAVE to make The One Perfect Decision, I just gotta make *a good one*." really. There are so many variables in this world, & change is inevitable and endless... The specifics of all of that are basically unpredictable and beyond our control, making the attempt to manipulate circumstances or plan bullet-proof back up for all possible scenarios pretty much laughable (if you can even keep a sense of humor about it all). Meaning even if you DO hit on the one perfect decision, it could then get quickly blown to hell by other things beyond your knowledge or control, and likewise any number of *good decisions* may be unexpectedly helped along by the universe and other elements which may never have occurred to you in the first place. so maybe just come up with something that feels solidly good to you, or at least good enough to move forward with. Then, make a little movement. Even the tiniest modicum of action or motion, and i mean, for example, throwing off the covers and willing yourself to merely *put ONE foot on the floor* (say, in the event you can't get out of the bed in the morning~) -- even just the seemingly insignificant ooompf generated by that teeny action may create a little less room for the anxiety and a little more chance that you will follow it with another action, then another, then another. I wish I could waive a wand and turn the guts of your donuts to eclair custard, (hell, i could use a few dozen of those myself), but that isn't how it's done. bah! I have been floating in a dark and boggy miasma most of this month, paddle-less (that's right, up donut creek w/out a steering device), so please don't think i'm being all Preacherly. i'm better imagining this kind of forward notion than putting it into practice. But i just wanted to letcha know I Feel Ya, and if you can move a little (spontaneous, grudging, solo dance party in your bedroom, even if you hate it and grit your teeth for the duration?) and hang in there a little, something is bound to come along and shake things loose... AC

  4. I definitely agree with and appreciate the "just make a good decision not a perfect one" theory :)

    Indeed, a shit-sandsich would be the icing on the cake here, wouldn't it? But it's the donuts that are the real problem, because you REALLY want a donut to be FANTASTIC (perhaps this says more about me than the donuts...I REALLY love donuts...).

  5. hi i have a.d.d. too and i looooove your blog because it totally captures those quintessential a.d.d. moments and lets me know that i'm not the only one who constantly battles with the forgetfulness, anxieties, etc. which come with the disorder.

  6. Glad you enjoy reading...that's why I share those moments, of course :) Because there's really no other good reason to reveal the moments that make me look the most like a ding dong, haha...