Wednesday, August 18, 2010

But I LIKE constant least I USED to... a year and a half-ish ago, I started making different kinds of decisions in my life. Many of those decisions revolved around my identified need to stop bringing constant novelty into my life.
I see that some of those decisions have had positive effects...but I can't honestly say that I'm happy in the wake of making others. I am accustomed to bringing plans to natural conclusions when the novelty wears off. I am accustomed to following the winds where they lead and having magical adventures result, for better and worse.
So for the last few weeks, I start every week with a sense of dread. Because everything looks the same. Because I am choosing to stall all of those WILD ideas in my head that usually propel me into action. Because now that I have the calm I sought, I am struggling to keep myself from tossing some new herbs and spices into the mix to shake things up. I should clarify that, having gotten to a point in life where I don't want chaos, it's pretty easy for me to NOT choose it at this point...however...there's got to be a more interesting alternative. Monday is usually the worst...Tuesday, the drama continues...for some reason, by Wednesday I feel kinda okay...maybe because the week is half over? As the week comes to a close things look rosier...but then, Monday comes "every Monday morning comes", and I lay there my bed, depressed. Angry. Struggling to get out of bed or get my brain excited about wherever it is that I'm going for the day.
New kinds of decisions and plans take time to develop, and in a crappy economy it's harder to get many types of projects off the ground. I review seemingly appropriate alternatives...and I simply don't want any of them.
This is not a "post-wedding" boredom issue. (Living and breathing with Sonny is really one of the only aspects of life I'm enjoying right now. Even when we're doing "boring" stuff.) It's more like a "holy shit, all that stressful stuff is off of my plate and I STILL hate my life right now" issue. And I don't see an end in sight, mostly because, as I said, there don't seem to be any alternatives that fit the right criteria.
I no longer enjoy the provocation of constant novelty...but I can't stand the stasis of this routine either. It's just too much.


  1. Very interesting, Katy, and I'm sure you're not alone in experiencing this phenomenon.

    The way I see these "human urges," they will find a way out whether or not we say they can come out. So, why not control the conduit but still honor the urges?

    In other words, can you find new ways to engage novelty? Or somehow going against the rules? Sorry I can't think of any examples now. Maybe painting a room at 3 am, naked. ;-)


  2. I just don't know yet. You make a good point about stifling my case, stilfed urges seem to have morphed into a low-grade depression, which only makes it harder to be proactive. My therapist seems to think I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens...during my last session I actually looked at her and said "FIX THIS." and she laughed. At least I can trust my therapist to do her job and make me figure this crap out on my own. She said "sometimes even when you are in a new place, there are traces of old crap that will still pop up". I told her it's more like "every time I grab for something that seems fun, it's like I grabbed a donut, and take a bite and find out it's the shit-filled kind and I don't want it, but I don't see any other options, and I'm afraid to try new ones because they keep having crap in the middle". I think this is about to become a post of its own...

    Sonny is getting a violin fixed up for me to use as a distraction. Something creative but with no strings or long-term expectations attached. Yes, I know how to play one, I just haven't for a long time, and he, being a musician, just happens to own a bunch of antique instruments.