Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Do ruminants ruminate?

When a normally anxious person gets a whole new life, thanks to medication, that is free of anxiety, this opens up whole new adventures in the brain, and whole new relationships to emotions.

This mind used to latch onto all kinds of ridiculous things that I really didn't care that much about, just to keep moving. Or rather, just to keep busy while moving too quickly. When you have anxiety slathered all over your ADHD, or ADHD slathered all over your anxiety. it is likely that you will anxiously roll the same anxious thought-garbage around in your head all day long in a desperate quest for either quiet or stillness, neither of which seems to hold still long enough to be grabbed.

My quieter, calmer mind observes this phenomenon with great (calm) interest. It's not an all day affair anymore. When it happens it's very distinct and noticeable. And even a little annoying (to myself, and okay, sometimes to others too...especially when I would get stuck "thinking out loud").

The subjects of the thoughts is not the element of's the rumination and the perpetual motion. The constant rolling of sharp-edged, agitating thoughts, in a desperate attempt to make them smoother. A quest to stifle Chinese water-torture on the "self" itself.

Watching this with interest today...did not take the anti-anxiety medication last night, out of a refill. It's not like I turn into some kind of anxiety ravaged maniac in the absence of medication. I just feel the edge creep back in...notice that it takes a little longer to let go of certain random thoughts...notice a fluttery feeling in my stomach...

Considering the stress of my life I'm really feeling pretty good and am actually a little relieved to know that even on the days when I take medication I still CAN feel stress in less intrusive ways. If I didn't have any feeling of stress right now I WOULD be seriously worried about my mental health! But...I'll be happy to get the refill and take it again and just take that edge away. I still marvel that lived so many years that way...

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