"Lovers leave traces of where they've been.
The wailing of broken hearts
is the doorway to God."
Thanks Rumi, old buddy old pal.
A Forum post by Dana at ADHDer world got me thinking about love.
Actually it didn't get me thinking about love. It got me thinking about how many times I thought I was in love when I was really seeking stimulation--because I didn't know how to sit still long enough to formulate a better plan. Part of the ADHD curse is the pull of the novel, the lure of whatever siren seems most beautiful just then.
For me, this was no metaphor. No love affair with rock climbing or skydiving, no drug-fueled binges, no impulsive vacations to far away glamorous destinations. (Okay maybe just a few impulsive vacations). This was literal response to the magnet call of lust--far easier than incubating any long-term plan. Beautiful voices, and faces, and bodies, and art and passion and adventure. The wailing of broken hearts and the doorway to God. The seemingly easy way out. The only path that seemed to make any sense because I couldn't think past it to another possibility.
Using the romance of other peoples' baggage to draw focus from my own. A consensual death by drowning. An overdose of the psychological dramas of others because it was easier than having to acknowledge mine. It was easy to feel normal by comparison to the drama I chose to allow into my life...
I re-read this and my pride takes a beating. Curious pit in my stomach as I admit to you, and to myself, my own failings. Ouch.
I still struggle to formulate alternatives. I am still lured by the shiny. I have all of the same impulses that drove me all those years. Duh, ADHD. But...I work to ignore them. And it is work, and I can only assume that it always will be. But each time I resist, I hope that I form some new pathway in my brain...around the ADHD dead spot of course...that can lead me closer to the new visions for my life. (And I have MANY! SHINYSHINY!!!)
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love." Again, Rumi...and more relevant to my present. Where I struggle to create the space, and time, and just enough quiet for me to hear the voices of what I really love, and want and need, over the call of the sirens.
The wailing of broken hearts
is the doorway to God."
Thanks Rumi, old buddy old pal.
A Forum post by Dana at ADHDer world got me thinking about love.
Actually it didn't get me thinking about love. It got me thinking about how many times I thought I was in love when I was really seeking stimulation--because I didn't know how to sit still long enough to formulate a better plan. Part of the ADHD curse is the pull of the novel, the lure of whatever siren seems most beautiful just then.
For me, this was no metaphor. No love affair with rock climbing or skydiving, no drug-fueled binges, no impulsive vacations to far away glamorous destinations. (Okay maybe just a few impulsive vacations). This was literal response to the magnet call of lust--far easier than incubating any long-term plan. Beautiful voices, and faces, and bodies, and art and passion and adventure. The wailing of broken hearts and the doorway to God. The seemingly easy way out. The only path that seemed to make any sense because I couldn't think past it to another possibility.
Using the romance of other peoples' baggage to draw focus from my own. A consensual death by drowning. An overdose of the psychological dramas of others because it was easier than having to acknowledge mine. It was easy to feel normal by comparison to the drama I chose to allow into my life...
I re-read this and my pride takes a beating. Curious pit in my stomach as I admit to you, and to myself, my own failings. Ouch.
I still struggle to formulate alternatives. I am still lured by the shiny. I have all of the same impulses that drove me all those years. Duh, ADHD. But...I work to ignore them. And it is work, and I can only assume that it always will be. But each time I resist, I hope that I form some new pathway in my brain...around the ADHD dead spot of course...that can lead me closer to the new visions for my life. (And I have MANY! SHINYSHINY!!!)
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love." Again, Rumi...and more relevant to my present. Where I struggle to create the space, and time, and just enough quiet for me to hear the voices of what I really love, and want and need, over the call of the sirens.
"Present: Where I struggle to create the space, and time, and just enough quiet for me to hear the voices of what I really love, and want and need, over the call of the sirens."
ReplyDeleteNow there's a sentence Rumi would be proud of.