ADHD Behind The Wheel

I really like driving, but I get bored easily with driving the same roads over and over. I have to stifle the urge, frequently, to just take a right or left and go all wingnut instead of staying on the most direct path. I also don't like sitting in traffic...this includes stoplights and stopsigns...so I will drive through a parking lot or just turn to go around a light before I get to it just to keep moving. This is not always efficient. I realize this.

Unfortunately, my most-traveled paths these days are laced with one-ways and other quirks that make leaving the beaten path too ridiculous an option to pursue. Sigh. The only redemption here is that I only live 3 minutes from work.

I used to go on fabulous, epic journeys on my way home, or on my way pretty much anywhere else. I have an extraordinarily accurate sense of direction, which has allowed me to enjoy rambling, instead of freaking out over being "lost". Very rarely have I ever been lost and I've never had to call for a bail out, I've self-corrected and made it to my destination. And I know enough to check my gas before going on one of these tangents, so I don't have to get out of the car to get gas in an unknown area.

I could be 30 miles from home and I would get off the highway and just drive. Makes traffic jams seem like not a big deal when you are driving around them. Keeps my brain happy and busy figuring out what to do next.

Ahhhhhh, freedom.

Arguing: The Great ADHD Past-time

Sonny and I, being enlightened grownups with ADHD who are aware of many of the pitfalls faced by our kind, are careful to avoid certain ADHD quirks that aren't generally very socially appreciated. We're not perfect...but we try.

My 8-year-old stepdaugher, however, is just a wee ADHD-er in progress. She's still learning. She's also 8, and 8-year-olds are known to critique and question. But...it's true that many an ADHD child has made their mark on their family by arguing their way to infamy. Miss C, let's call her Miss C. She's becoming infamous :)

Her mother texted Sonny repeatedly last night, having reached her last thread of parental sanity at the hands of an expert arguer. Considering that mom is a lawyer, this makes it either more notable, or just plain much funnier (sorry, it shouldn't be funny, but it kind of is).

An internet site I was browsing last night put it really well...sorry I can't remember what the site was...but essentially what they were saying is that when an ADHD child is faced with opposition that they don't like or don't agree with, that experience registers as a 10 in their emotional experience, versus what might be a 6 for a "normal" child. When you put it that way, it makes their reactivity seem much more understandable. Not totally acceptable...but more understandable.

As Sonny and bio-mom texted to one another, I piped in that ADHD may be a factor. ADHD is a factor for many things right now for Miss C. She's had run-ins with the school bullies because she has a hard time honoring other people limits. She's having difficulty with school, and told me that she feels "dumb" because she has to finish her assignments at a separate table with "the other stupid kids in class". I told her she was not stupid, that she is very smart (she REALLY is), and that it's okay to have a brain that just works a little bit differently. I know from experience though, that it's going to take more than just reassurance from step-mom to make her feel smart...to make her feel good about herself. I just hope it doesn't take as long for her, as it did for me.

In the meantime, I will continue to kindly advocate, in our home, for consideration and understanding of that "other" factor...for our own sanity too, I think it will help to keep this in mind.

Stepmothering your baggage away...

...my ADHD stepdaughter and I survived homework together this evening. It was a fruitful, productive chunk of time spent.

It was extra challenging today because she was very tired, and it was later than usual for homework. It was also a rather disrupted day: Sonny did something random and awful to his back and is basically immobile, so I did all of the parenting duties solo today for the most part. The kids seemed to enjoy it, but any change of routine is a little jarring for wee ones.

And...and...she's in the third grade. Most of it was math homework. I remember third grade...the year I went to the nice math tutor, because math was very hard for me and it made me feel very embarrassed. One day I punched a boy in class because he starting yelling in front of the whole class that I had only finished two of my math problems, when everyone else was finished. My teacher did NOT punish me for this, other than confirming that it was not a great choice...HE got punished for being a snitch.

The math tutor had suspenders and looked like a grampy. We kids all liked him, and the kids who didn't need a tutor were a little jealous of those of us who did, who got to spend time with this nice man. I still have a hard time with the math that challenged me then. I had a really nice teacher that year too, who would come to my desk to help me refocus, but couldn't seem to pinpoint why I was totally unable to focus on my work. She guessed that I might just be a bright student who was bored. Close...that was part of the problem!

The homework this evening involved story problems, which were the ultimate in terrifying for me, so much so that they still burden me with the same terror. And...they weren't just any story problems, they were "Guess and Check" problems. An exercise that, to me, is simply child torture. Fuck that, it's ME torture.

But...I had to be the bigger person here, so we stuck with it, came up with a system...and I worked to help her focus.

Here's what worked really well...reviewing clear steps for each problem and using the same steps from problem to problem. Making her a special seltzer drink to perk things up. Being really patient, because her ADHD brain was REALLY tired. Lots of encouragement was good. But I think the best tactic of all was rotating through assignments to keep her interest rolling. We would do a chunk of one assignment, get to a logical stopping point, and then switch, until we finished. Yes, children with ADHD should be encouraged to push themselves, so they can learn what they are capable of...but not after a terribly long day, when they have an exhausted brain. We just needed to get through this pile of homework before bedtime, and we succeeded.

I was not able to completely extinguish my own math terror, but I think I did a good job of hiding it. Feeling it again after so many years was fairly surprising and unwelcome!

...off the friggin' wagon...

Damn, here we go again. I suddenly realized this morning that I was right back to where I've been so many times before.

Years of book-learnin', lots of therapy, and a wee bit of medication still can't save you from that occasional moment of ADHD WTF.

Yes, that's right, ADHD WTF. Someone close to you, maybe even you, may be experiencing it right now, but don't worry, there's help!

Just kidding, there's not...at least nothing permanent. But I guess that's okay.

ADHD WTF: it's that moment when you look around, and while you have no idea how it happened, it looks like your ADHD house of cards has collapsed, again, and you don't know why. For me, it often looks like this...the garbage on the right hand passenger floor of my car is about two feet high and I have no idea what's in the pile. The back seat and trunk are filled with the remnants of the last project I forgot to unload. There's a bag of dog treats and some used tissues on the dashboard. In the house, I'm about 6 LARGE loads of laundry behind and the baskets are overflowing onto the floor. I just noticed about 4 piles of unidentified slips of paper of varying colors that must have come out of my purse. Speaking of my purse, I've switched purses because a couple of days ago I realized that one was too messy and I couldn't deal, so...on to the green purse. I feel like I keep cleaning but the house looks like a tornado hit (the children and animals do NOT help alleviate this sensation). There's a sleeping bag in the middle of the floor of the bedroom and I've stepped over it several times now. The sewing and music room exploded somehow...then Sonny cleaned it just enough to fit two racks of laundry in there because duh, I am 6 loads behind and the kids needed school clothes. Laundry surrounded by shrapnel.

In the middle of all of this, everyone's fed, clean and basically sane...but this fraying...this fraying must be stopped. The thought of taking action, however, feels overwhelming this week. I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We always do, because you see, and this is my point...I'll do this every so often for the rest of my life, and so will Sonny. Sometimes we'll do it at the same time, and sometimes (when the almighty powers are feelings merciful) we will stagger it and do it separately.

Today, this realization, which I've probably had before and have maybe even written about before...it really asskicked me. I will move on and move forward...but I think if we forget to allow ourselves a moment of mourning, when it seems due, the baggage just piles up. Better to feel it now, than let it own me later...I tend to be able to pick up the pieces and move forward more effectively if I just give myself a moment, maybe an evening of "dammit". And maybe a beer.

I am an ADHD American

I actually said this to a potential employer last week. Yes, yes I did. It wasn't a first interview and I know my strengths exist despite my ADHD so...fuckit. I said it. Yes, it was a joke, I wouldn't be able to say that phrase with a straight face. I told them that because I am an ADHD American, I live in fear of the empty inbox.

Incidentally, I got the job.

More on that in later posts, at least to the degree that discretion allows!

It's important for us to choose our moments, and I'm not honestly sure that I'd choose to reveal myself in this situation again if given the chance, but nobody died, and I did get the job so hey...whutevs. I'm me...if nothing else, I'm me. We can do great good in the world by being our true selves.

I have written about this before but it's worth restating...especially when I meet parents of kids with ADHD, I reveal myself.

It is also the case that we can best serve ourselves, only by being our true and real selves, and by being honest with ourselves about what we are dealing with.

Speaking of the Day of the Dead

Today is the Day of the Dead. The day to celebrate the dead. Yes, celebrate. So light some candles, pour a glass of wine and do a little dance.

Honor some ancestors.
Talk to some ghosts.
Forgive your past selves.
Eat a meal.
Kiss a baby.
Shut off the tapes in your head.
Play them louder if it will help you run them out.
Make collages of things that you once loved...that you still love.
Make another, separate collage of the things you'd just as soon forget--then light it on fire in the dark and let the sparks light your soul again.
Give a dog a bone.
Remember that your own bones are still enmeshed in living flesh, and be glad.

It's not you, it's me...

...lots of nice people have sent me nice requests, suggestions, and what have you lately. And I appreciate it. I like to hear news and such from the many interesting people that I know. However, if you have not heard from me, it's because I'm completely overwhelmed.

You know that sense of overwhelm where you actually can't remember what you did a few days ago because it's all a blur, because it's all too much?

And I've been sick. Can't imagine it's all related ;)

So the little things have slid. Sled. Slud.

Every hello feels like another item on my to-do list.

I'm working on crawling out of this hole but...it's not an immediate thing.

So it's not you, it's me. I'm overwhelmed by life right now. I won't be forever.

To begin my upward crawl, I cleaned the house this morning, within an inch of its life. It was a move in the right direction. A few piles had begun to form. I've acquired a terror of piles. I know it doesn't help to stress one's self out with self-punishment, but I just can't handle those ADHD piles anymore. And so I killed them. A few more to go...I'll savor the destruction. Today is the Day of the Dead after all....