Monday, October 12, 2009

Oh hey, time to update that banner!

My banner says I'm 33. Well nobody's 33 forever. So I am now 34. A 34-year old woman, recently diagnosed with ADHD. That's just funny to me when I say it back to myself...and even funnier when I think about how limiting the "official" diagnostic criteria for ADHD can be at times.

I think I'll go run around the room and climb on some furniture...what, isn't that what all highly functioning women with ADHD do when they aren't writing blog posts?, that means I'm firmly in my mid-30's. That means I'm gonna need a new blog soon, about the far more urgent issue of my CHILDLESSNESS. Yes...because isn't THAT what 34-year-old highly functioning women with ADHD do when they aren't running around the room and climbing on furniture: obsess about their biological clocks?

So many what ifs. So many things I could have tried to make myself do, if only...if only I didn't have ADHD to make it impossible for me to focus. (pause) *snort* More likely that I actually have a few shreds of self-respect, and an inability to manipulate myself into fitting into boxes that I simply don't fit into. I have never willfully failed to marry or produce children. I have never wanted to run around and climb on furniture (even if my BRAIN was doing virtually the same thing, for my whole life). It's like I always say: come along if you can keep up, accidental children welcome.

As I reflect on all the things that 34 COULD mean...ADHD or not...and being in the midst of rediscovering myself through the process of figuring out what ADHD even means to me...I have to say, that despite certain categories of self doubt...I am PROUD of who I am at this point in my life. Happy Birthday to ME! (yes, I know my birthday was last month, don't split hairs). Yes, of course I have the typical ADHDer "regrets" if that's what you want to call them...but not really. Even before I was diagnosed I don't know if regret was the correct word...more like confusion about why I could not fit into certain boxes, about why I didn't "get" people, about why I felt so far behind in some ways, but light years ahead in others when I compared myself to my less scattered peers. This was and IS painful, but I still don't think that regret is the accurate term.

Most people probably shouldn't grow up to be the person their 16 year-old self wanted them to be...but I have, and that makes me happy. I wanted to be creative, and well read, and "intriguingly artsy"...haha, sorry, channelling my inner 16-year old and she's just a little pretentious. I wanted to have passionate love affairs, and travel to fascinating places, and learn to speak French (hey, I was 16, I didn't know these were all big clich├ęs yet ya jerk!). I wanted to write plays and be an actress, and never do anything JUST because someone tells you that you have to. I wanted to be well-known, but only if I was really GOOD at something, not just as a pretty face. In many, sometimes unexpected ways, that is exactly who I have been. And what an adventure! And what a fun foundation to move forward in time upon as I continue having different, NEW kinds of adventures.

Now that I know that ADHD has been with me all along as a travel companion? I can consciously choose adventures that I might not have even attempted before. Wow, that's scary AND cool. Things that my 16-year-old self might not have ever even thought of because she always had a nagging in the back of her mind that something wasn't quite right...that she seemed to have invisible limitations but couldn't figure out what they were....and she wasn't really convinced that she was as smart as her parents said she was...well she's back, and she's armed and she's smiling...and she's digging the Vyvanse, and likes her who knows what she'll come up with for me next!! Heehee!


  1. "why I felt so far behind in some ways, but light years ahead in others when I compared myself to my less scattered peers. This was and IS painful, but I still don't think that regret is the accurate term."

    Oh man this post is so awesome I don't even know where to begin. But yes, I'm applying to grad school right now and that sentiment above is very much in the front of my mind.

    Very uplifting, thank you for writing this.

  2. There's "the cubicle of life" Beantown, and then there's gals like us :) GOOD LUCK ON THE GRAD SCHOOL APPS! You know what I've learned in grad school? I've learned that there's lots of interesting people in academia who are in academia because...dundundun...they don't fit into the cubicle of life either...bwahahaha...