Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Unraveling the Physics of Moderation

Years before I was ever "diagnosed" with ADHD I used to describe myself as being afflicted with inertia. Insert quick review of Newton's First Law HERE.

In short, an object in motion stays in motion, and an object at rest stays at rest. In my life that means "when I'm stopped I can't start, when I'm started, I can't stop".

Achieving moderation is probably the biggest obstacle/challenge of my life. I literally don't know how to sketch in the reality, in my life, of what moderation might look like.

At least I'm insightful...while I'm driving myself crazy with my fluctuations between overworking and underworking. Some definitions here might be helpful. By underworking, I mean pretending I'm productive because I know I'm supposed to but struggling to rein in my random mental tangents and spending oodles of hours accomplishing nothing further than filling my mind with random internet information, or starting some cool new creative project--that has nothing to do with what I actually need to finish. This also often involves me making dozens of notes on post-its or other handy paper surfaces in a vain attempt to "get the thoughts out of my head". (It aggravates me when "normal" people tell me to use this as a way to calm the mind...because unfortunately the notes sometimes inspire me I have to hide them away for later or I will then begin concieving their children in my thoughtstream. The one advantage is that they ARE there to remind of things later.) Underworking is really just a sad attempt at trying to get things done when your brain won't land.... Overworking means I have finally underworked enough that I am now in a panic to get a particular task finished and must do it by a certain time or there will be dire consequences far beyond the impact of not eating or sleeping. The terror satisfies the ADHD quest for high stimulation and so makes overworking FAR more fun for me than any alternative. Both of these operating procedures is totally exhausting, but both are "more exciting" than just doing things in a routine way. Some (many) people with ADHD turn to drugs to try to achieve balance, for we are after all, suffering from a chemical, I just have a dysfunctional relationship with my obsessive work habits. And surprise, it doesn't help me even out my brain chemicals, lol...I am always under or overworking...because I am afraid I am not going to get things done...

Pardon me as I go spend the rest of the afternoon overworking.

Oh, you thought I was going to post something really clever about how I'm going to try to address this issue, and extend the metaphor...yeah see, if I had any idea how to deal with this, I would...but I don't, and I'm stuck...and I have a ton of shit to do and working myself into a lather of obsessive focus is the only way I know how to get through the to-do list. And while my brain chemicals are in medication change flux...I don't stand a chance at achieving any kind of consistency.

So right now is all about waiting...waiting to see if the chemicals will make more efficient choices easier...and waiting for the next therapy appointment so that behaviorally, I can deal with this issue head on.

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