Impulse control...

...I love how life presents me with perfect illustrations to demonstrate the realities of my ADHD life to a reading audience.

So...it's like this...my boyfriend and I finally had our first "fight". Really, it wasn't a fight, but it WAS something that needed to be aired out, it WAS a big deal, it WAS resolved peacefully and to both of our satisfaction...and even without getting into details faaar too personal, it presents a scenario worth discussing.

When people hear the words "impulse control" it conjures a lot of images, none of them good, and only some of them relevant to each ADHDer, especially adult ADHDers. I'm not going to say that all adult ADHDers are the perfect image of impulse control at all times...but we're not all jumping off of roofs either. And the thing is...that whether or not we were diagnosed as adults, we have all had so many times in our lives where people have told us that we shouldn't act out in certain ways, that we are likely to have learned at least some skills for reining it in and are aware that we CAN work do do it. Otherwise we'd all be running around with underwear on our heads...I know I would ;)

That doesn't mean it's always easy. I've written many times before that I'm actually damned good at "reining it in". It just takes a damned lot of energy! Last night, late night, it appeared I had no ability to rein it in...I was tired but my brain wouldn't shut off, STUFF just kept popping into my head. Boyfriend was exhausted and I kept wiggling around the house, jumping, repeating myself, chatting incessantly...got in bed and the fun only continued as he fell asleep and I lay there giggling at my random thoughts...haaaa...good times...

So the other day he says something to me that to make a long story short, I was not thrilled with. At the time, however, we were trying to pack up his gear because he was in the middle of playing a gig and was suddenly about to vomit. You just don't ask for clarification when someone is trying not to puke on themselves in public. He was violently ill all night and then yesterday morning was nearly ready for a hospital visit...it was bad. I was still pissed but went over and got him some water and juice and painkillers and...voila...he perked up and took a nice nap.

The whole time...I'm thinking about what I want to say...but keeping myself from saying it because it just wasn't going to be nice or productive to dump that load on a person who was THAT sick.

And when something is tugging at my brain like that, it's no easy trick to keep it clammed up. That cat was trying to destroy the bag.

I should get a GOLD medal for impulse control for that...

Once he'd had a full day's napping and was able to process English language again...I let the cat out. And I'd had so many hours of reining it in that I was able to be reaaaaally measured and articulate about it...I had to actually get all that damned articulation out of the way to really get to the emotion, lol. But since my first foray into the joys and powers of psychotherapy at age 9 for...um...learning to deal with impulse control issues, haha...I have had a TON of practice. And that's really my message here...we ADHDers all have different abilities and personalities, but it IS possible to learn strategies for dealing with life, for managing impulses...for prioritizing the needs of others in the short term so that you can do what you need to help them and THEN have the conversation that needs to be had.

After all of that self-control I guess it's really no wonder that I spent the evening bouncing off the walls, giggling, chatting, wiggling, and otherwise flowing with my impulses...geez louise, it felt like lightning shooting through my mind and body!

Meditating on routine...

...because it's my favorite fucking subject, of course.

Let's talk about my dog. He and I were doing a pretty good job of living a nice routine little life together, until about a month and a half ago. Prior to that we were learning all about walking on a leash, and going potty outside, and getting socialized and learning to come when called.

Then he hit the 6-months old mark and turned insane. Suddenly my sweet, smart, quick-learning pup became a challenging, obnoxious, loud menace, pissing on everything in the house marking his territory, which of course set off a territory marking war with the cats...which was as spectacular as it was disgusting (and frustrating when my notebook I was using to keep me organized became a casualty).

And I'll be honest, this would be a challenge for anyone, but for me as an ADHDer, this was a little painful. I had been working to be as attentive and routine as possible, taking the dog out constantly, taking him everywhere with me, trying to be really consistent with training commands...but I felt really discouraged by this turn of events, even though everything I'd read had warned me that this would happen. It's the puppy teenage years. They suck. It's inevitable. And you have no control.

Alrighty then. Attempts at routine fell apart...and I kept telling myself that after he was neutered, perhaps he would mellow out and we could hit the reset button.

He got neutered last week. THANK. GOD. Even ADHD boy, who is really pretty endlessly patient juggling three children, finally cracked at the puppy's contant aggressive chewing and tornado-like presence. Suddenly one night the look on his face was a little bit like the Hulk just before he turns green. Have I mentioned that the dog weighs 5 lbs? Yeah...5 lbs. 5 lbs of TERROR.

In the days since the neutering, indeed, he seems to be mellowing out just a tiny bit already...still energetic, but the "edge" seems to be ebbing away. Which means one thing...I have to draw the line and start training and being "routine" again.

Sigh. Okay. I'll do what I have to do...but...but...but...ADHD boy said he would be happy to help me think through it all and set some routines. As he put it, with three children he can't really NOT have routines. The kids have certain school times, and activities times, and dinner time and bed times and bed time is its own elaborate routine in and of itself. So he understands the importance and power of routines.

Before I enlist his assistance though, I'm going to do something really simple...put "dog alerts" in the iPhone calendar so that I have little alarms going off during the day. Things like "pee time" and "pup breakfast" and "pup lunch"...and remembering to always take him out after meals...and maybe next week we'll try some new commands...we haven't learned "sit" yet because puppy inattention and ridiculous biting and other obnoxiousness had gotten in the way. A calmer, NEUTERED puppy should mean the going should be a leeeeetle easier.

At least as easy as it is for an ADHDer to stick, long term, with a routine :) The alerts will help a LOT. And hopefully over time he himself will become an "alert" as he gets the routine in his head and can let me know when he needs stuff.

Right now, he's sitting here on my lap, all a-snooze and peaceful. Awwwwww. Time to go out for one last pee and then, to the crate and to bed...

Then the Concerta wore off...

...I could write a whole book based on that premise.

The other night in Argentine Tango class, a classmate was having a hard time learning to lead a certain sequence of dance moves.

As he and his partner finally nearly nailed it I spontaneously started singing "Almost Paradise". Out loud...yep...out loud...because you know, he almost totally got it, and clearly needed a soundtrack to celebrate the moment. I'm just glad they thought it was funny. This was just a highlight of a whole second-hour of class that was all about me making random comments, apologizing for them, cracking up the class and trying really hard not to...but doing it anyway about 70% of the time. I was much quieter when I was younger...but I also spent a LOT of energy when I was young on trying not to interrupt (and anxiety is a powerful agent of control...but not the good kind...that's a whole other blog post...about noticing everything...having a too busy brain...overdosing on a lethal mixture of cognitive overabundance and ADHD "drive"...but anyway...<----------see, the Concerta's worn off and I'm not going to bother with editing...). And its amazing how much energy you can spend on that...I just don't waste the energy anymore unless I really have to. I still sort of can't believe I burst into "Almost Paradise" though....

And last night...holy crap, it's a good thing that monologing doesn't seem to be one of ADHD boy's primary ADHD manifestations...because it sure as shit is one of mine, and good lord, did that man get the monologue of his life last night. Ran about 40 minutes of Concerta-free living if I have to guess...he finished his dinner and two beers and there I was with my nachos still on my plate and unfortunately I'd also sucked down a margarita pretty quickly. That didn't quell the compulsion on bit, as I'm sure you can imagine. He always just smiles and listens when I do this. Who knows where HIS mind is while this is happening. Honestly...he seems to be actually listening. Maybe my talking is actually interesting enough to him still, at this early stage, that his ADHD brain is content to just hang out listening as the contents of mine puke themselves onto the table. Maybe he's just had a lot of practice at "active listening". Maybe he's sort of listening, but also sort of composing music in his head...or listening to the band at the other end of the bar...who knows...

The late evening is apparently when it wears off (which makes sense). Right around 8 PM the party begins in my brain. I don't notice it at first...I notice it when I finally do or say something ridiculous and obvious and then I feel like there's a spotlight shining on me and I'm embarrassed for a minute...and then think to myself "oh...the meds wore off...good times...". Then I just know that I need to go back into "consciously thinking about not going off on audible mental tangents" mode.

And just now...I'm a tree falling in the forest with no immediate audience because it's night-time. And zzzzzzzz to that...good night readers...good night mixed metaphors...good night cognitive overabundance...good night ADHD tangents....

Lollipops as concentration aid...

...sitting with ADHD boy's daughter on my lap yesterday, I felt the value of my diagnosis.

She sat on my lap, facing me, popping her cherry lollypop into her mouth, sucking on it, eyes scanning the room, popping it out of her mouth, sticking it on the end of my nose, then back into her mouth...over and over and over and says: "Daddy and Mumma told me I have something with my brain. I guess it makes it so your brain works differently and you have a harder time focusing on things and concentrating and uh, stuff like that...". Pause.

"Oh?" I say.
"Yep."

Lollypop goes back in mouth. Pops the lollypop back out of her mouth, sticks it on my nose again:

"I guess Daddy has it too."

"Yeah, he does," I reply. "Do you know who else does?".

Lollypop audibly re-appears. "Who!?".

"Me! I do."

"REALLY!?"

"Yep. Really."

She inspects me sternly and carefully, lollipop twirling behind her lips...then smiles...and sticks the lollypop back on the end of my nose. Then attempts to jettison herself backward off of my lap with the lollipop back in her mouth. I grab her hands and remind her that gymnastics and lollipops just don't mix.

Even an ADHDer should only attempt doing just so many things at one time...

She removes the lollipop and resumes her contemplation, upside down.

Recession's true victims: ADHDers...

Nod to Jeff for reminding me of this accidentally with his post today...

Please know that the title of this is a joke. But it is true that the recession has changed my life in a way. I have always been a reliable, hard-working employee. However, because of my willingness to be, mmm, shall we shall mobile, I rarely have stayed at a job for more than 2 years. I call it one part young adult self-discovery, two parts ADHD. And maybe another part I'm damned smart and it's hard to find jobs that engage my mind long-term.

But last year, when I found myself in need of a part time job...having left a full time job...thanks to the recession, there were NO jobs available.

In my entire 20 year working life (since age 15) I have never not been able to find employment.

I am actually working part time now, at the full time job I'd left. I still needed work, and they still needed help...it's not an easy position to fill, for various reasons. And so I'm back. But that's not always easy for me. My novelty seeking-mind goes a little stir-crazy sometimes.

And along with the recession, treatment has also caused me nothing but problems. The office is so organized on a regular basis not that it...well, it makes me uncomfortable quite frankly. It stresses me out way more than the chaos did...I think...? I'm forced to deal with things in far more detail and meticulousness than is probably even necessary. We have the closed files catalogued within an inch of their lives. There's no fires to put out. Cases are just ticking along as they shoudl. I'm not wishing for things to be "bad" or to go all nuts. And I don't want to create chaos. In fact I seem to be seeking order...but it doesn't feel natural. I'm good at fixing things in a crisis and um...there's no crisis...and so I'm finding that I'm good at doing stuff when there's no crisis...I just have to work WAY harder to motivate myself.

I'd rather be sticking my face in a box of Twinkie's right now and watching The Girls Next Door, than attending to my itty bitty pile of work.

I'm looking forward to juggling the wee ones with ADHD boy this evening. Children guarantee surprises :) And I baked cookies. With pink and yellow frosting and sprinkles.

So there you have it...the recession has forced me to deal with life the way other people live it. Work seems routine. Kids are fun. And I'm baking cookies.

Wow. Just wow.

Exhibit A: Shoe on Dash Board

Words are not always the best descriptive tool. Most people, and apparently many with ADHD learn best when "shown". And so I give you Exhibit A, above. It's a photo I took this afternoon after a trip to a friends house, when I got into my car, saw the scene on my dashboard and said "this is what people really need to understand about ADHD". It's not about forgetting silly things. It's not about finding things boring. It's not about being lazy.

Let me explain this photo, and perhaps you'll understand what I'm saying. To the right of my steering wheel, there are three items on the dash. A pair of (totally hot, retro, 1940's styled) dancing shoes. A bag of pistachios. And a note to self. The shoes are there to remind me to go to dance class. Exercise is good for the ADHD mind and especially for those of us with a little hyperactivity issue. The pistachios live on my dash because I have to eat frequently, and the only way I will remember, is if I leave food in sight. The note to self says "Jillian!" and "Yankee Cockfight!" I use a lot of exclamation marks because I think in exclamations. I write notes like this so that I don't forget things like "hey, your sister Jillian said she'd cut your hair tonight if you remember to show up!" and "oh hey, Yankee Cockfight, an awesome blues duo is coming through town later!".

To my ex-boyfriend (not to belabor certain points, but he's representative of the class of people we like to call "non-ADHDers!") this was clutter. To me: priceless lifelines to my buried memory. Triggers to connect me to the present...anchors to the day at hand.

Another great example...while driving back to the office I stopped at the gas station.

I took out my credit card, from my wallet...to pay for the gas. When I got back in the car, my first impulse was to throw the credit card in my bag without putting it back in the wallet.

I used to do things like that all the time...which explains a lot about why my life was so difficult. it is simply not natural to me, to put the "thing" back where I found it. It is still to this day, and probably for my whole life, something that irritates and frustrates me. I have to override the impulse and briefly picture the chaos of thinking my card was missing...or of actually losing it. Take a breath...and put it back in the wallet. There is always a conscious effort in this process. It reminds me of a terrific quote that I can't remember the source of, but I read it in the article "Messy Purse Girls" which incidentally is a great article about what it's like to be a girl with ADHD. The quote is something like "most people have no idea how much work it is for some of us to appear normal".

I am known as an organized, motivated git-er-done kind of gal. And all of those things are true about me...but I spend just as much effort, if not more, on making sure the little routine things that many others take for granted are done.

So I remind myself to put the card back in the wallet. I set the garbage can in the middle of the doorway to remember to take out the garbage. I put the shoes on the dashboard to remember to go to dance class (and I REALLY LOVE dance class, which makes it even funnier that I need a reminder!). I also input all of these things into my iPhone so it reminds me.

Without these anchors I float. I still exist...but without connection to the framework. "The framework"? The framework that to the ADHDer, it seems everyone else exists within. I mean really...there is no framework. But I have to create it for myself or I can't function. What's really funny is that...I bet people whose brains aren't like this don't even need it! People who are able to ride bikes don't need training wheels after all. The important part for me to remember, I suppose, is that my focus should be on the goal...there is no need to question my need for training wheels. My results speak for themselves.

Today's theme: management

Management of clients. Management of pets. Management of households. Management of medications.

I put off calling my NP about my meds earlier this week a) because I had a good day and just wanted to enjoy it and then b) thought my appt with him was this week anyway...realized I was wrong...called him this morning.

He wants to do a grand experiment called...taking me off of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds entirely just to see what happens. Because I've been having really bad anxiety. (Pause) At least I can laugh :) Because that's funny. It actually makes sense because one of the common side effects of most of the medications that treat anxiety, is of course anxiety. That's a pretty mean reality for those of us with anxiety issues. Trying medications then becomes a process of "hmm, I feel anxious...is this the same anxiety I usually feel? Is it different? How is it different? What is it making me feel like I want to do or not do? Did I have this feeling last week before he raised the dosage? Will my ADHD even let me remember back that far, lol? Is it possible that my stimulant medication is making me anxious? Where did I put that bottle of Ativan, and do I really even want to take it?

This anxiety I have been feeling really sucks...and feel more like "the old days" than I have for a while. I don't notice it until it's bad...it's like someone turned on a tv, and there's nothing but white noise, and then they just kept turning up the volume hoping I wouldn't notice, and I don't for a little while, and then I realize I feel compelled to do annoying repetitive little gestures, I am irritable, and feel jumpy...I have a little butterfly in my stomach (but totally different from the freaking jello butterfly of doom in my stomach when I took the generic Celexa many moons ago...see what I mean...it's these subtle differences in types of anxiety that you notice after you've tried several meds...).

I am really coming to understand that it's true: aside from actual serious mental illnesses, of the lesser mental health issues a person could have, it really sucks to treat the combination of ADHD and anxiety. I'm very frustrated...not with my prescriber, but with my brain chemistry. There's just no reason, in my opinion, which is hardly based in medical fact, that I should be having THIS MUCH anxiety, while taking THIS MUCH Remeron...and then having to boost it with Ativan...no thanks. Remeron (Mirtazapine is the generic that I take) was working great for a while. I was loving feeling relaxed.

So he's tapering me off of it, and then wants to see what happens when I just take Concerta, with no anti-anxiety meds. I understand that this will help him figure out another path...but I can't help thinking "um...we already know what happens when I take nothing...I have anxiety!".

I DID start taking dance classes again this week though...so hopefully that will help me burn off a little anxiety while we're undertaking this latest experiment.

I'm just nervous because having seen what it's like to live without anxiety...I'm afraid to go back to my natural state. I really am. It wasn't pleasant, that's why I came to ask for help/diagnosis in the first place!

In the middle of this, of course, life goes on. And I was up until 2AM cleaning because my misbehaving dog and cats had an all-out territory marking war, which ruined one whole couch, peppered the rest of the house with puddles of piss, my female cat got all annoyed that her litterbox had been elevated (to keep the puppy out of it) and decided to stop using it, which resulted in PILES of cat poop...I declared a Holy War in the name of any god that would steop up the the task, quarantined all the animals separately, and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. I had no choice...not only was it disgusting, but it stank, and my poor roommate shouldn't have to deal with it. Household management is key to domestic tranquility.

This is after they pissed all over my notebook I had put together to keep me organized last week...which I had to start all over again...and my paychecks...and my little notekeeping notebooks that I carry...and my bag that has just the right compartments in it to keep me knowing where my stuff is.

And there's a few clients at the office that...honestly, I wish I could just "disappear" with a magic wand. Why? Because they're totally anxiety cases and they're stressing me out. Sometimes client management really sucks.

So...at least managing the dog and cats seems to be working. And as always, I have to remind myself...I get more done dealing with this circus than most people do without...