ADHD means not knowing

It means not knowing the exact source of the problem you're having, but becoming accustomed to blaming yourself. So much so, that when you are told otherwise, you are surprised and you don't quite believe it. You worry that the messenger may be wrong.

I made an appointment sometime last week (I don't remember when) for what I thought was sometime this week. I then misplaced my iPhone (my lifeline) for several days. During that time I got a little overwhelmed with a variety of sticky notes that I was writing appointments on, because I could not get rid of them, because I couldn't put them into my calendar. This sticky note I'd written the appointment on was one of them.

Yes, I could have entered my appointment and commitments via my computer, but I know you ADHDers out there know how it is when your hard-earned routine gets thrown off...it's not just a matter of adjusting immediately, it takes time for the adjustment to stick. And should you start a new routine when you know that your missing phone is probably just in your home or car somewhere? I would then have to undo another routine and re-ignite the old one...no thanks. This is one of those issues that defines the term "impairment".

Today, I called the office at which I'd made the appointment, thinking I'd missed it a couple of days ago and expecting to have to apologize and beg for a second appointment. To my surprise, the lady on the phone said "no, you're early...it's not until next week...he's out of the office until next week". I didn't quite believe her because I was so convinced of my fault, so convinced that I had missed the appointment. I repeated what she'd said back to her. She laughed and said "yes, that's correct".

So I guess I AM the source of the confusion here...but I hadn't done anything wrong yet. My self-blame was pre-emptive this time. I prefer this to having to apologize later and really, I consider this an ideal outcome, despite my self-flagellation. But the past four days of phoneless/calendarless confusion were stressful...as well as a perfect example of what day to day life is like with ADHD as an adult. I know myself well enough to know that I should worry when my calendar is not nearby. Taking charge of the situation by making the call to double check was the right thing to do, clearly. Making the call was a means of being responsible to myself AND to that nice person I'm supposed to be meeting with next week, NOT this week.

I did find my phone this morning, so life can go back to normal...just as soon as I dig out the rest of the sticky notes from my bag and enter them into my calendar...argggh....

...awkward...

Went to a wedding yesterday. People consider me a pretty social person but I sometimes hit a funny spot where I just can't deal.

This was one of those times. Suddenly all the noise, motion, et cetera, was too much and I started to cry for no reason and had to leave the room. At least I know when enough is enough...found a quiet spot...hung out for 20 minutes...felt MUCH better.

Unfortunately, by the time I'd returned from my respite, my sweet Sonny Rollins had accidentally eaten a shrimp and puked in the bathroom...his belly determined that we were DONE for the evening and the speedy ride home from Cape Cod began...

A revelation about Concerta...

...I just realized that while taking Concerta, I feel that I have the same amount of energy, but instead of going in 18 directions, it goes in many fewer.

Heh! Cool. In other words, it's not "taking away" something, it's just redirecting it.

(Seems to be MY experience anyway...)

ADHDer Pet Peeve #3,589: Peeps without ADHD who act like they're perfect!

Oh yeah...you've met them...perhaps you've BEEN them...people without ADHD who think they're perfect. They may go so far as to imply, or even state outright exactly how flawed they think you are, and how EXASPERATING it is to them.

Meanwhile, they forget agreements they made, forget conversations that you remember clearly, etc, etc, and then blame YOUR ADHD for the discrepancy.

It's classic bullshit.

We with ADHD already must bear the burden of our shortcomings, first by identifying them and then by addressing them through coping strategies. When faced with a situation like this, I love to pull out any notes or documentation I may have squirrelled away, memorializing the agreement that I made with the obnoxious person(s) in question. In relation to my businesses or work stuff I learned long ago, to document everything, and save every email regarding agreements or promises or instructions.

It's not just to prove the promises of others, but to keep myself accountable. Sometimes I just plain have to go back and see what I said, so I don't make an ass of myself when pointing out something that doesn't seem quite right to me. Is it not quite right because THEY screwed up, or is it not quite right because I did...it's important to lay responsibility in the appropriate drawer.

My dear fellow ADHDers...never forget that even normal people forget stuff. Even normal people forget things they said, promises they made...all humans are fallible, not just us.

An intro to finding information about ADHD and ADHD meds...

When I started on my-learning-about-ADHD journey, I found it difficult to find information about things like medication, that were written without a blatant "ANTI-MEDICATION BECAUSE IT IS THE DEVIL!" bias. I prefer my information rhetoric-free, thanks.

Here is a link to an introductory list of ADHD Meds by a fellow ADHDer.

I am NOT offering this as medical advice, or as a substitute for medical care from your own doctor, simply because I found it interesting and helpful. Concerta, the medication that I currently find most effective for my ADHD symptoms is not among the listed...so keep in mind that there may be further options, and that you should likely ask a doctor about them.

Here is another website that I found helpful in learning a bit more for myself about ADHD meds, it's Dr. Charles Parker's blog...he has a book about meds available for purchase, but the blog also contains useful information.

Again, not offered as medical advice. Even if he is a doctor, he's not YOUR doctor, and neither am I!

As for general ADHD information, I also got a lot of my information about ADHD from scholarly articles and journals. I was in grad school at the time, so I had free access to such things online through my school library. If you are a student at a college or university, YOU likely also have this kind of access, and you can and should ask a librarian to show you how to find this information. It is much more useful than the poo that is often published in "mainstream media" articles...it is generally the results of actual scientific studies about ADHD. One of the most interesting things I learned through reading scientific materials, was that women and girls are almost non-existent, until very recently, in the scientific studies. Yes, that's right...we don't exist! Well...we're STARTING to exist...but until recently many of us were diagnosed as bipolar, depressed, anxious...and some of us are also those things...but anyway...some of the language of these scholarly articles may be a little over the top (written in scholar-ese) but they're worth a look...even if it doesn't all make perfect sense, some of it will, and it gives you a starting point for a conversation with your doc, who may be able to translate. Yet others of these articles are perfectly readable by people with normal vocabularies who are not psychologists or psychiatrists.

Even if you are NOT a student, you can access some of that same information through your public library. If you do not know how, that's okay...again, go to the library and ask a librarian if they can access any studies on ADHD...or if they have access to scholarly articles on the subject. I know that through my local public library (and I do not live in a big city or otherwise fancy place) I have access to some of these articles and thanks to my library, I can do it right here on my couch with my ID number from my library card!

You can also ask a librarian for help in finding any books they may have about ADHD, or ask if they take requests from the public, for particular books about ADHD that you may be looking for.

Personally, I think Driven To Distraction is a classic of the genre (for adults, does not talk about kids with ADHD).

Delivered From Distraction is another good one for adults with ADHD.

Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD is another highly recommended read and it deals with the effects of ADHD on adult relationships.

For perspective on women's issues and ADHD, you might like to try Women With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden.

And for an interesting personal story, written by someone with ADHD, try Bryan Hutchinson's One Boy's Struggle.

These books are all available for purchase online but remember, if you check at your public library first, they may have it available for FREE. If you're like me, and have a hard time remembering to return library books, find a way to remind yourself, or just read books at the library itself, in installments!

That should keep you busy for a while...happy information hunting! (And be sure to check out the blogs I've linked too, on the right-hand side of this page...they are informational, interesting, and chock full of stories about life with ADHD.)

Is healthier better?

Sometimes I really don't know. I know that sounds a little questionable, but I bet yet others know exactly what I'm saying.

Health means having all kinds of realizations that require more work...and I'm all for more work...but what's worse is the emotional journeys required. Some days I'm up for it...some days I'm not. Some days I've just had a "realization" and it puts me into a space where I cannot tolerate that which "was". And yet in some areas of my life, that which "was" is ever present in, ahem, the present.

It's pure hell until you get to the place where you can have a new kind of relationship with the elements you are battling/choosing/avoiding.

There are things that were easier to deal with, when I was less healthy. Easier to tolerate.

I feel better. I have less anxiety. I have more tolerance for my own quirks.

But healthy, frequently, is not easy. Some elements get easier...but will forever be a test of my will.

Sigh. This is not a complaint. I do not need a time machine that runs backward. I'm just saying that sometimes choosing health is really much harder than choosing it's opposite, and it seems wrong that it should be so.

This one goes to eleven...

Last night was so stressful I couldn't even really write about it. Which is, of course, why I determined to write about it when I was feeling better.

Last night, I felt like the world was screaming at me. Every sound, pounding like a hammer on my eardrums, even the sound of my own voice was nearly unbearable...but I felt so anxious that I couldn't stop talking.

Last night, music had to be eliminated from my ear-space.

Last night, tears came easily. And every other texture, sight and sensory input was just too much.

Every knob was turned to eleven. I tried to ignore it, but that's never the best option...the anxiety just increases and increases until I acknowledge it, so it's better to acknowledge it early and start the progress back down the hill. I sat in the car for half an hour while Sonny went into the bar to play a gig. I had to. I was just barely in control of the variables in the car; I was not ready for the next batch in the bar, a batch I would not be able to corral.

It's been a long time since I felt that way...and it was useful to remember that and note the progress. But in the moment that mental post-it delivered no comfort.