Monday, April 23, 2012

Don't get too comfortable...especially if you don't have health insurance

I haven't been very posty lately because things are going well and I've been balls to the wall busy. But that doesn't mean life is perfect!

One of the few major imperfections in my otherwise rosy world right now: I can't afford Concerta because I don't have health insurance at the moment.

And let me tell you...well I probably don't HAVE to tell you...THAT SUCKS.

It's such a subtle companion, Concerta, that I don't notice I'm even taking it until I'm not taking it, and then I get a crash course in how life used to be. Life used to be bitchy, cranky, irritable, impatient, mercurial...oh wait, that's not life, that's ME that used to be that way.

I'm really having a moment this time though...I can't believe I went through as much of life as I did, before treatment, without literally joining a secluded, monastic sect of some kind, that cuts itself off from the outside world and lives in silence. I'm so provoked and irritable...and I am not used to feeling that way frequently anymore so it amplifies for me that I was working horribly hard to tolerate the rest of the human race...that I was gruesomely stressed out for decades...

The more accustomed I become to peace in my life, the lower and lower my tolerance for chaos. Without medication, it have to work very, very hard to navigate my internal chaos because it amplifies. Oh, it amplifies.

I am taking regular 5mg methylphenidate tablets...which are adequate until you know, they wear off and that janky, nasty feeling takes over when your body manually shifts back to what-the-fuck gear. The best part (insert sarcasm here) is that I never know it's wearing off until I'm already wtf-ing.

When I can either afford insurance again, or simply afford the Concerta (or its twinsy generic which is still alarmingly expensive for a generic) life is gonna be better than rolling in donuts.

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