Friday, September 2, 2011

It's never forever.

It's time to admit that every time the anxiety goes away, there's a little crumb of hope in a crack in my mind, that hopes it's forever. But it's never forever.

Generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD share that fine quality.

Sometimes I wish they would both go away.

10-ish days ago I visited my therapist and I remember she asked me the routine questions. Here were my responses:

Do you have any depression: no
Do you have any anxiety: nope, not really, I feel pretty good
Are you suicidal: absolutely not
Are you homicidal: hmmmm, let no

Each of those answers was absolutely true. I felt great. Any anxiety I was experiencing was directly related to some things going on in my life that ANYONE in the same position would be was purely situational and we had plenty of time to talk about those situations.

This is that other kind, the kind that is almost unbearable. If there was a switch I would turn it off. Medication isn't really a switch. It's a vacation. I am grateful for the vacation, I used to feel this way all the time after all, but it's true that the contrast between the vacation and the return to reality makes what used to be routine harder to bear.

I can't stop tightening my throat muscles in a particular way. I'm unsettled and a little propelled...driven to move, to talk, to "do", and with a certain intensity. I pick at my skin. Uncomfortable in any given moment...unable to settle on a peaceful moment. Like a butterfly I go from flower to flower but each flower is on fire and I must keep moving. Unable to land, I tighten my throat, over and over while my legs search for a way to connect my feet to the floor.

Through this, I function in my life, but it is just so uncomfortable, and I do not enjoy this feeling of intensity. It's just too much.

And what does it mean? My medication seems to do something for me most of the time...except for you know, most of last winter when I was horribly depressed but too depressed to realize that I was depressed. Or you know, every so often, seems like at least once every 6 weeks where my anxiety level just seems to be too much for a bit...some of it is all of it hormones? Are my meds just not right? Is it unrealistic to expect to feel better more of the time? Or am I just so enmeshed in the fibers of this anxiety right now that I'm not even thinking clearly.

All I know for sure is that I don't feel good. I cannot find peace in my own skin, and though I am functioning in my daily life, I am so uncomfortable.

It's never forever. The anxiety...the vacation from the anxiety...none of it is ever forever. And honestly I am worried about what may happen as the seasons change. It took a long time, to recover from last winter's depression. In this northern paradise we call home, winter is long...and here it comes. I'm afraid to get stuck there again. Terrific, now I'm pairing the situational anxiety on top of the chemical one...wahooo!

Maybe I need to print this blog post when I see my prescriber next month. Maybe I'm not as insightful as I like to think I am. Maybe the meds are wrong. Maybemaybemaybe.



  1. Right there with ya. Down to the tightening of all the muscles in my throat, I'm right there with ya.

    I'm finally, maybe, getting some mood stability ... but autumn is right around the corner, and when the daylight really gets short, where will I be then? Will my mood really be stable, let alone my cognition?

    Maybe this is why we have sun lamps.

  2. Get a Light Box for SAD...For Anxiety--Picture it as an Excitable Puppy and keep it penned up in a section of your mind when it acts up.

  3. Have you/your prescriber considered something short acting that you can keep around for times like this? (I have scripts for 5mg adderall and xanax for just this reason.)

    Totally sucks, and I totally understand. At least you know it's temporary.


  4. Thank you all for posting, truly.

    Sheepy: I do have ativan but I'm afraid to take as much as I need with the frequency that I need to, because it's highly addictive. Of course instead of the ativan, I have been drinking. I guess the safety valve there is that I know from experience that my body does not seem to want an addictive relationship with alcohol...though I have used it to ease anxiety in the past. So...I don't know which is worse but to me, the alcohol seems like the lesser evil. Rule of thumb: I know I'm feeling shitty if I take the ativan, lol. And this week, that was twice. This should totally be its own blog post...note to self...

    As for the rest of yeh: just yesterday I wrote myself a post it and stuck it on my says "Happy Lite". They sell them across the street at the green living store. It's SO on my shopping list. I might even have part of a gift cert left :)

  5. First of all, 18, you are by far the most frequent blogger I read on any topic (well, maybe there is a photography blog out there that I've hit a bit more). I'm sure it's completely wrong to feel this way, but it is a relief to see you have a bad day! I know! Awful!! And I mean it in no bad way at all. It's just that you do seem to be somebody who has had some success in taming this creative-retarded-stupid-fantastic disease/personality disorder we have in common. Sometimes I feel hopeless when I read about how well everything is working out for you. I hope you "get what I'm saying". Hardly anyone ever does, and I usually end up apologizing because my brain skipped several important details when I explained the first time. Point: It's a relief to see that EVEN YOU can have times when ADD/Anxiety comes back and makes your life more difficult. The relief for you should be that it's also clear that you are a superstar when it comes to dealing with "the way you are" and I know you will be back in the driving seat soon.

  6. I actually TOTALLY get what you are saying. Being able to feel that our dark moments are "normal" is an incredible relief...I know that when I find someone I feel I can identify in those moments, while I feel badly that they feel bad, I'm often relieved to feel some commisery. Yeah...not a word...but I think you catch my drift, which is that I totally catch your drift ;)

    For more commiseration-filled moments you may wish to visit some of the earlier posts in the life of this blog...because oh, there are some doozies! I have a feeling that I may have some upcoming posts that could fall under the heading "slightly miserable" so...keep reading, lol.

    Success in this endeavor has to be measured and treasured in smaller quantities and accepted in imperfect increments. Otherwise, I would have far more serious mental health issues, lol.

    So...I don't mind that you find misery comforting. Because it is. It's one of the biggest reasons that I bother to keep writing.