I mean really, really like me? Because for the past week I've been a ridiculous ADHD ball of insecurity. Life holds a lot of big changes right now, so in a way it makes sense...break new ground in life, and you're bound to feel a teeny bit unsteady for a moment as everything settles.
But I think that we with ADHD (or many of us) have learned to question ourselves in ways that the normies don't. And, me, I also juggle a little bit of anxiety along with the ADHD, so that adds a teeny bit of challenge to the management of that kind of insecurity.
I would say that generally these days I'm at about an 8 on the anxiety management scale. I feel it, but it doesn't disrupt me, I'm just rolling with it. Which is probably why this insecurity I'm feeling now feels more significant than it is.
All anxiety disorders aside, I'm sure many hyperactive ADHDers can relate to many of these thoughts:
"Am I annoying this person?"
"Am I talking too much?"
"Oh shit, I think I forgot to turn my TMI filter off today."
"No really, I think I forgot to turn off my TMI filter off, look, it's raining TMI!"
"Am I getting to the point?"
"Do I have a point?"
"Am I talking really loud, I can't tell, but I think I am."
"I must be annoying people right now."
"These people must hate me right now."
"I think I'm too far out of the box right now."
"Oh shit, now I'm talking louder. Wait, am I?"
I can't imagine that I'm the only hyperactive adult ADHDer who has learned that their behavior, at times, is just far enough left of center that we need to "think" about it and modify it a bit...and of course, that breeds insecurity over the years. I usually don't succumb to the insecurity part any more, but I used to...a lot...I used to be so insecure about it that I was actually very quiet most of the time and terrified to have attention on me because I worried about what people thought...a lot.
As I care less, and behave more freely, I feel better about myself...most of the time.
But this week, not so much. I feel extremely anxious about whether people like me, and whether I'm annoying them. I must have asked Sonny about 8000 times if I'm annoying him...if he's mad at me (he's not, for the record, at all)...and I can't seem to shut the worry train off in my brain.
Urgh. This will pass...but I'm probably annoying myself more than anyone else right now.
But I think that we with ADHD (or many of us) have learned to question ourselves in ways that the normies don't. And, me, I also juggle a little bit of anxiety along with the ADHD, so that adds a teeny bit of challenge to the management of that kind of insecurity.
I would say that generally these days I'm at about an 8 on the anxiety management scale. I feel it, but it doesn't disrupt me, I'm just rolling with it. Which is probably why this insecurity I'm feeling now feels more significant than it is.
All anxiety disorders aside, I'm sure many hyperactive ADHDers can relate to many of these thoughts:
"Am I annoying this person?"
"Am I talking too much?"
"Oh shit, I think I forgot to turn my TMI filter off today."
"No really, I think I forgot to turn off my TMI filter off, look, it's raining TMI!"
"Am I getting to the point?"
"Do I have a point?"
"Am I talking really loud, I can't tell, but I think I am."
"I must be annoying people right now."
"These people must hate me right now."
"I think I'm too far out of the box right now."
"Oh shit, now I'm talking louder. Wait, am I?"
I can't imagine that I'm the only hyperactive adult ADHDer who has learned that their behavior, at times, is just far enough left of center that we need to "think" about it and modify it a bit...and of course, that breeds insecurity over the years. I usually don't succumb to the insecurity part any more, but I used to...a lot...I used to be so insecure about it that I was actually very quiet most of the time and terrified to have attention on me because I worried about what people thought...a lot.
As I care less, and behave more freely, I feel better about myself...most of the time.
But this week, not so much. I feel extremely anxious about whether people like me, and whether I'm annoying them. I must have asked Sonny about 8000 times if I'm annoying him...if he's mad at me (he's not, for the record, at all)...and I can't seem to shut the worry train off in my brain.
Urgh. This will pass...but I'm probably annoying myself more than anyone else right now.
I'd like to comment on your insecurity and self-doubts. I have them too.
ReplyDeleteIt is really hard sometimes to face our insecurities when we are so self-reflective.
The truth is, "You are great."
I know that may sound trite. It sounds to me you have someone who loves you just the way you are. I do too. My husband continues to love me and I am amazed. Yet, I love him all the more for it. I hope the day will come when you and I can arrive at a place where the racing analytical, self-critical negative thoughts will not intrude on our blissful status.
It sounds like things are really starting to cook, in a good way, for you. Change can be scary. I hope you are over your illness. I know it's easy to say, but hard to do, but try and expect only the good. We who have ADD/ADHD often imagine and fear the worst. It's a terrible thought habit that needs to get fired.
Perhaps imagining worst-case scenarios helps us a little to grapple with the global issues of our lives, such as our job or our love-life, our future or our finances, or friends or our family responsibilities, but it doesn't relax us.
Whenever I catch myself thinking that others hate me, or they think I am selfish, I find solace in knowing that, no matter what I know because of my own creativity, and self-worth, I am OK ALONE, but the reality is I AM NOT ALONE! Neither are you. We both have build a network or loyal friends and supporters. I have my man, my job, my students, my mum and sister, and you too have many rich blessings you can count on daily, and be happy about too.
Hope this didn't sound preachy or too verbose.
But, always remember the mantra..and I will try to also. "You are loved."
It's hard to believe, but it is true.
Reading your list of thoughts rang so many bells for me that I found myself smiling and nodding. It was beyond recognizable. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, I like you and your blog. Now, I'm going go beat my own anxiety back.
All lovely and wise words Amy :) And if your guy is half as sweet and accepting as mine it, you are one lucky lady! Thanks for chiming in!
ReplyDeleteRoze: I'm so sorry our brain does this too, but at least we can all commiserate ;)
ReplyDelete