Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sometimes Success is Scarier Than Failure...

Some issues that may ring "real" to my fellow ADHDers:

1) Fear of failure.

We have trouble trusting ourselves sometimes don't we? Especially when we want something very badly...especially when we have disappointed ourselves before (even when this disappointment bears no relations to how others actually viewed our performance).

2) Fear of success...

If you succeed, by really throwing yourself into something and putting yourself out there, then people will see who you REALLY are...and maybe when they do, they won't LIKE YOU. Ouch. This possibility is scarier than failing.

3) Fear of being "found out".

Despite my intelligence, achievement, and resourcefulness, I often feel that I am a fraud, that I am not smart, not capable, not intelligent, and when "they" all find out (I have no idea who "they" are, of course), that'll be it. EVERYONE will house of cards will fall...even though nobody else really gives a crap or even feels this way, at least not about MY house of cards.

I identify and tear at the roots of my anxiety. It's dirty work...and it's the kind of dirt you can't just wash off easily. It takes work to really get it out from under your nails. And it's not the kind of thing that nortriptyline can just cart away the whole of. Anxiety winds through the deepest folds of my brain, spider-webbing dreams and memories and worries together, and leading them to the surface. Nortriptyline allows mental effort the chance to interfere, and redirect the energy.

I rip a weed out with an emphatic affirmation of my intelligence...but the dirt discolors my fingers, despite the relief in my mind. And you know how weeds are...if you miss a bit, they may grow back, and you may have to try again, but if you're paying attention, it won't be so big the next time (hopefully) and it's easier to manage. You seen it before, you know what it is...perhaps you've named it "that fucker with the big fat leaves, with the large middle root" or "oh, I remember this one, it wasn't so bad, the roots are shallow". It can seem that the pulling is the important part, but I find that the remembering and the naming are the most critical task...THAT information is what tells you your best approach, how hard to pull, if you may need additional tools.

Sometimes it's hard to think of it all that ongoing work. But any halfway civilized garden requires work. And the work creates space for pretty things to grow.

1 comment:

  1. I love your weeds analogy. As a fellow ADHDer, whose garden is rampant with weeds it's hard to know where to start. Then once you do start, you think you are making progress, so you move on to something else. But of course those sneaky little buggers creep back up when you weren't paying attention. Go figure...I should hire a