Sometimes I really don't know. I know that sounds a little questionable, but I bet yet others know exactly what I'm saying.
Health means having all kinds of realizations that require more work...and I'm all for more work...but what's worse is the emotional journeys required. Some days I'm up for it...some days I'm not. Some days I've just had a "realization" and it puts me into a space where I cannot tolerate that which "was". And yet in some areas of my life, that which "was" is ever present in, ahem, the present.
It's pure hell until you get to the place where you can have a new kind of relationship with the elements you are battling/choosing/avoiding.
There are things that were easier to deal with, when I was less healthy. Easier to tolerate.
I feel better. I have less anxiety. I have more tolerance for my own quirks.
But healthy, frequently, is not easy. Some elements get easier...but will forever be a test of my will.
Sigh. This is not a complaint. I do not need a time machine that runs backward. I'm just saying that sometimes choosing health is really much harder than choosing it's opposite, and it seems wrong that it should be so.
Health means having all kinds of realizations that require more work...and I'm all for more work...but what's worse is the emotional journeys required. Some days I'm up for it...some days I'm not. Some days I've just had a "realization" and it puts me into a space where I cannot tolerate that which "was". And yet in some areas of my life, that which "was" is ever present in, ahem, the present.
It's pure hell until you get to the place where you can have a new kind of relationship with the elements you are battling/choosing/avoiding.
There are things that were easier to deal with, when I was less healthy. Easier to tolerate.
I feel better. I have less anxiety. I have more tolerance for my own quirks.
But healthy, frequently, is not easy. Some elements get easier...but will forever be a test of my will.
Sigh. This is not a complaint. I do not need a time machine that runs backward. I'm just saying that sometimes choosing health is really much harder than choosing it's opposite, and it seems wrong that it should be so.
sometimes choosing health is really much harder than choosing it's opposite, and it seems wrong that it should be so.
ReplyDeleteWe were just talking about this in my persuasion and attitude class. "x health concept" (it was flossing, in our case) falls "under health", which falls under "Quality of Life". But "Fun/Happiness" are also under "Quality of Life" and with "x health concept" connected to "hassle."
So we're less likely to do it, even if we were neurotypical.
Oh, I have that debate with MYSELF about flossing all the time. 95% of the time, I am able to override my impatience and do it, because the alternative is disgusting and health-hazardous. Perhaps my tolerance for flossing and my tolerance for the relative torture of psychotherapy directly corellate to a self-love I didn't know I possessed? I LIKE doing things that are good for myself? WHAAAAT!? All this time, perhaps I didn't need a therapist after all...sigh...thanks Sheepy :)
ReplyDeleteHi Katy,
ReplyDeleteYou're seem to be just in one of those 'spots' at the moment where we learn stuff and when we learn stuff we get better at whatever it is we are pursuing. If what we are pursuing is inherently good we are further along the path.
This post of mine might provide you with some comfort that you are not alone in your struggle with feeling 'in your own skin' when things are going good.
The world is a classroom and life is the teacher...
Take care :O)
Andante
Link:
http://andante-onecrowdedhour.blogspot.com/2010/08/can-illness-be-addictive-part-2-whats.html
Ohhhhhhhh that's a really good post Andante (highly recommend, to every else).
ReplyDeleteYou make a solid point about misery being addictive. Really, I think that often it's not even a case of it being an addiction, but sometimes abnormal, if that's all you've ever experienced, just plan seems normal.
That's where my post and your post meet. In that place where you can see the alternatives and begin to make choices.
I'm just tired right now...from exploring uncharted territory...but...I know it will pass...SOMEDAY...lol...