Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

HOLY SHIT, LICORICE GIVES KIDS ADHD IN THE WOMB!

Actually my mother's downfall was pepperoncini's and Coca Cola. Alas they haven't done that study yet.

ADHD seems to lurk everywhere, both in and out of the womb, and whether you DO or DO NOT do all kinds of ridiculous/normal things.

I think about this a lot because I know for a fact that to add a child to my life as is would be an exercise in extreme self-torture. I already just barely hold everything together.

Add ordinary parenting worries to the extra worries that I would have as an ADHDer? I'm starting to think that my parents aren't joking when they say "we don't need grandchildren". I used to think it was reverse psychology, lol.

I know lots of ADHDers make perfectly decent parents, I just don't know if I would! I could have saved a lot of money on birth control if I had been diagnosed sooner and been able to have this conversation with myself at age 18 instead of age 34. Lord...thousands of dollars.

Self respect vs. Reality

Don't know how many of you read Penelope Trunk's "Brazen Careerist" but I do from time to time and I love it. In terms of blogging, Penelope has been there and done that, and she writes at times about VERY personal subjects, her exes, her sex life, her career, her co-workers and THEIR personal issues.

That's such a hard thing to figure out when you are blogging. What to write about and what to NOT write about. Especially when your basic focus and subject is extremely personal. Penelope has a list of do's and don't's for blog writing. Among them: don't blog anonymously (coughcough), be honest with people about what you are writing about them (coughcoughcough...I'm honest in general but really, most of the people I write about don't even know I HAVE a blog), and "know what not to write".

Uhhh. Well yeah, there are a few things I'm not going to go into detail about. But here's my complications...a) I'm writing about my journey through being diagnosed with and learning how to live with ADHD as an adult. That's not especially gentle territory. To make it so would be inherently dishonest. Is the devil in the details? It touches on every area of my life after all. b) (I really do abuse list-making, sorry) I do write anonymously. You know what I look like, and basically what I do...but I aside from a handful of people who "know" me, I'm anonymous and I don't really intend to start identifying myself literally. I happen to be lucky enough to have a "real name" that is so generic that even when I use it, people probably think I made it up, haha, so maybe identifying myself wouldn't really be very valuable anyway.

I've been thinking about this a lot because I've gotten into some very personal territory lately. I am very honest about my experiences, from my perspective anyway, because I feel that there is value in that. Are there points where honesty could undermine my aspiration to show people that adults with ADHD are productive, creative members of society? And perhaps my anonymity even undermines that...because there are aspects of my life that I don't discuss as much because they would serve to identify me pretty explicitly? I guess I just don't believe that my story is as useful in only two dimensions. I'm like that offline too though...you get what you get. I know how to "play the game" when I have to, but really am only willing to play it for just so long if it means pretending to be someone or something that I'm not. Or something I believe is wrong.

And how to know what NOT to write. Sigh. What NOT to write. How does an ADHDer develop the discretion to not share too much...HAHA...that's a joke...lots of us know what not to say when we have the luxury of a written page and time for self-editing. It's in person that I sometimes say stupid crap that I shouldn't and even then people usually think I'm kidding. See...half the time people will think what they want about what you write or say anyway...and how can you control that?

I guess with Penelope as a mentor that gives me quite a bit of leeway, after all, she's the woman that was recently dragged like a carcass all over the internet for blogging her true feelings about having a miscarriage at work (don't ask, you can Google it and find out for yourself...if you ever wanted to see women eat each other alive, that's the post/comment thread for you).

But even Penelope didn't go into the detail of THAT. She didn't need to...people really flipped out over ONE SENTENCE that involved no explicit detail.

So...we have no control over what people think of us anyway. That right there is a lesson that anyone with ADHD or any other mental health issue for that matter, should really take to heart.

Got it.

BORINGBORINGBORINGBORINGSTUPIDBORING

WHY MUST TV BE SO BORINGBORINGBORINGSTUPIDBORING!? I actually love television and I do like watching movies sometimes (though I cannot guarantee that I won't comment on them while they are in-progress). The commercials...they are two-fold evil. They interrupt (oh, actually they're three fold evil) the flow of the story, they indoctrinate the masses with visions of euphoric consumerism (yeah okay, not ADHD-related) and they are LOUD. THEY ARE LOUD. They are often the reason that I start doing the hand-flapping thing and saying "uhhhhhh....stopstop, make it stop, make it STOP" and the boyfriend and I begin the desperate scramble for the remote. If they come on and are loud and he happens to come into the room trying to talk to me at the same time...ouch...not fun for anyone involved...

Oh wait, four reasons...four reasons I hate them, they are also boring.

This is not because I didn't take the Vyvanse. They always bother me. The difference is that when I have taken the Vyvanse, I still notice the sound, and I then pick up the remote and stifle it. Today, it's more like an invading army assaulting me aurally. Rude and annoying...blah.

Yeah I found the remote but it's more fun to bitch about it...and then I noticed that it was really windy outside, and then I got some ice cream, and then I went to talk to my boyfriend, and then...WOW, it's really windy outside...and it took me a way long time to compose this email and the only reason I point this out is to demonstrate and memorialize the contrast between the posts (novels) I usually write and this short one, the third of the evening, and it took me as long as a long post because I am irritated, edgy, distracted and truly, feeling a bit juvenile.

Um...yeah, fuckit, I don't remember what else I was going to write, but I'll say this...uh...okay I'm not joking, I forget what I was going to write...OHOHOH...I'm memorializing this to remind myself what happens when I don't take meds. Haha...done.

oh yeah...that's what "normal" feels like in my brain

I didn't take the stimulant today. What fun.

Notice I punctuated that with a period, rather than something more zingy. I got a refresher on "oh yeah...I am usually really moody during the day...and my energy fluctuates a lot...and focusing takes work".

I'm glad I did it though, I mean stimulants are very "in and out" so it doesn't screw with you to not take it one day...and when you take them every day you start to feel like it's not doing anything, because you forgot how awesome it is to just let your brain run amok. So...I needed to remember what life is like without it.

The really lame part was that by noon I was thinking "damn, the medication DOES calm me and make me more productive...". But Vyvanse is a super long-acting med so I won't take it in the afternoon just in case I'm wired 'til China. Haha...so I really had to commit to the experiment.

Oops...but grateful for the reminder.

Instead of spackling cracks, I'm gonna spackle yer big yap shut...

While I've always been a bit of an oddball, I feel like I used to be "better" at "appearing normal". I used to work so hard at it because I thought it was normal to have to do that, I guess. I think that part of what lead to me seeking diagnosis and treatment was the fact that I had a) pushed myself past my limits in terms of what I could successfully juggle and b) once I did, the cracks started to show.

Once I was aware of the cracks there was no turning back. Well...now that's not quite right either. I already WAS aware of the cracks, I just thought it was normal to spend so much energy spackling them over and realized there wasn't enough spackle in the universe to spackle these cracks, lol.

Thinking about this because I feel a little bit inside out lately. Like the conversation with the boyfriend where I announced that I was not listening and needed him to repeat. Like how I just explain to people up front now, that I really suck at remembering things, so if I don't have my notebook with me, they'll have to send me an email. (I'll learn to be more graceful over time, I'm sure, but lately I just "announce" things, more for myself than for others probably, haha.) And because I have been open about this process with family and friends, I now have a contingent who seem to feel it's their job to "comment" on it and share their opinions of what they see. But not in a helpful way. Not in a simple asking me if I need help with something kind of way. They comment. They comment again. I politely explain whatever it is they are commenting on...they comment again. I have a small growing list of people that I'm simply going to have to distance myself from for a little while so I can grow through this stage without their misguided commentary. (Ex: I have lost some weight because of the meds experiments, most of which I've gained back now...yesterday in the course of five minutes my father stated "Your pants are baggy." THREE TIMES. And then refused to listen to my explanation.) They don't want to actually hear what's going on, they just want to comment on it. I don't really care what is compelling them, or what they're getting from it. I'm too fragile and exposed right now to have to put up with it right now. I can't carry them, I'm working hard enough carrying myself.

And this inside out phase is very important for me to work through. And I need them to just shut the eff up about it.

If I don't learn to let go of all of those ways that I was hiding, and coping...I will never learn to live in a new way, and I can't just move through this with them blabbing. It's like...seriously, it's like when I was 14 and finally hit puberty and got a whole new body and my dad's comment on it was "you're fat all of a sudden". I weighed 125 lbs and I'm 5'4". I was not only not fat, but imagine how great that was for a young girl who was just thrust into a whole new body that she needed to get used to. Having this whole experience over again, but with my emotions and living habits this time? Not cool. And I don't have to put up with it this time. And I don't care that adult ADHD might even be HIS excuse for blurting out inappropriate shit all the time...I don't need to listen to that right now.

ANYWAY, my point is that I have had to let go of these old ways that I used to keep myself "reigned in" because really, they weren't working anymore anyway, I couldn't pretend anymore.

That's what brought me to asking for help. I wonder how many other adult ADHDers have a similar experience. Of holding things together, sort of, for years and years and years...I know that what drove me to seek help was a feeling that "everything was going to fall apart finally and I wasn't going to be able to stop it from happening". Probably ALL of us have some version of this experience, or indeed, we would have been diagnosed earlier (those of us who weren't dx'ed as kids anyway).

This stage now? It's me cleaning out the rest of the remnants, debriding the scars...and THEN, redecorating. Instead of pretending to be normal, I'm now simply figuring out what works for me and trying to throw out the term normal altogether.

I just bet that a lot of ADHDers have that experience, of realizing that for some reason you just couldn't hold it together...and that other people don't have to work as hard as you do, in order to hold things together.

Could you repeat the last five or uh, twenty sentences?

One of the issues that bothered/bothers me the most about ADHD is my inability to really stay engaged in conversations, despite my interest in the person talking, or the topic at hand. I hate it when I end up spending all of my energy trying to look like I'm paying attention.

Today, I am walking through the park with my boyfriend and I realize that I have missed about the last 5 sentences he was saying because I was truly elsewhere in my mind. I turned to him and said "wait, stop, go back...what are you talking about? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening through, like the last five...". He smiled and repeated his story, and basically after each sentence I had to repeat it back to him to make sure I was understanding what he was saying.

This cannot possibly be an improvement over my previous issue. BWAHAHAHA! There I am, saying to him "I wasn't listening". At least he laughed.

So we talked about it for a while...he suggested going the next step, at least with other people, which would be to more confidently use those "active listening skills" and thus make people feel like they're really interesting to you, and that that's why you're asking all of those questions (and leave out the "I wasn't listening to you" part, lol).

Times like this I have to remind myself that this is actually progress, after all. Before, I was a person who went to a mental health center because she was tired of living a lie, living a double life, and tired of working so hard to appear normal, trapped behind a smiling facade. Learning to converse like this is about freeing myself from that secrecy...it's about participating rather than pretending to. And it really is about truly connecting to people and what they are saying and why. My technique is a little clunky right now (or I'm just way too comfortable with the boyfriend, lol)...but I'll just keep working on it.

On the maplessness of medication...

I had someone ask me a few questions offline about meds. Of course, I can only address this question as someone who is currently a guinea pig, not as a medical professional. I'm addressing this in a post because I think others are often wondering the same things about trying meds...I know I do. Know too that I am writing as someone who is still searching for a good combo...I have only been on this road for about 6 months. Anyway, here goes:

Meds can hit everyone differently. Some people try meds and nothing happens. Some people, like me, try meds and EVERYTHING happens/the side effects kick me in the ass, and everything in between can happen too. This fact can make it a little hard to feel like you really know if they are "doing something" or "doing what they're suppposed to do".

When you are a really busy person, it makes it even harder to tell, because you might have so many things coming at you at once that it's hard to know if you're coming or going, nevermind if your meds are "working".

Also consider that if you are taking meds, but not doing therapy, you may be slapping a band-aid on a broken leg. You could be so used to hobbling around on the leg that you don't really see that the band-aid is not changing your relationship with that leg. Once you heal the leg the band-aid might be helpful for more cosmetic issues...which is what it is meant for, but band-aids don't fix broken legs. You can't use something for a purpose that it was not intended for, and them blame "it".

All of that said, in my experience, it seems like the stimulants are pretty straightforward drugs. Overall...it seems to me that based on my own experience and what I've read of others' experiences, IF you are having an effect from a stimulant medication, you will KNOW it. Either a particular drug will "work" for you or it won't. And for me that means I get an intense and pleasant state of focus where my brain just chills out, and my thoughts slow down a bit, and I can just keep working away without the distraction of "thoughtsplosions". There is nothing subtle about it, it is absolutely obvious that the focus is occurring. The other effect I seem to have with a stimulant (currently, for me, that means Vyvanse) is a very particular feeling of calm. Clear, light calm. It does not make me feel heavy, or speedy, in fact it's like a breeze blowing across my brain, making my energy focus a bit, and allowing me to just "do" whatever it is that I'm doing. It also puts me in a really good, light mood. Sometimes this can make me just a tiny bit oblivious about things going on around me while I'm working, but it does make me more productive so I consider this a good thing, and I can switch to focusing on something new without feeling grumpy. Again...there is nothing unmistakeable about this sensation.

Within these sensations, I still have to choose to make better decisions about how I spend my time, and what I blow all that focus on, and sometimes my choices are better than others. If you are taking a stimulant and truly do not notice any difference, I would go back to your prescriber, give them this information, and see what they say. The good news about stimulants is that there are several of them these days...so you can try others if the first ones you try don't seem to "do" anything.

The only other drugs I have experience with are anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. I get the sense from reading other people's experiences that working with these drugs (mostly SSRI's, SNRI's and the like) tends to be a much more subtle experience. Allegedly, it takes a little longer to see a result, during which time some interesting side-effects might pop up. In other words, you're not likely to take one dose of one of these types of drugs and magically feel like a whole new better you. It could be more like 4-6 weeks before you settle on a good dose. If you're like me, that could be a totally different experience...I have been "hit" by these drugs within an hour, and not in a good way, lol, BUT, most people, thankfully, are not that med-sensitive, so I would hardly report my experience as representative.

I have taken Strattera (an SNRI), Citalopram (generic for Celexa, an SSRI) and Mirtazapine (generic for Remeron, a tetracyclic antidepressant). Other than Strattera, they are not really intended for improving focus...I take them for generalized anxiety. Strattera gave me some cool focus, but was a little heavy for me otherwise...in that it actually made my mood feel a little "heavy". The focus was also not very consistent. This was a much wishy-washier experience than the stimulant. It did calm me down, and that, I liked, but overall, I tried it for a looong time, and it just didn't pan out.

Citalopram was another barrel of monkeys entirely...I've already blogged about that, but I will say this...whatever it was doing, for me, was not good for a lot of reasons, and it was REALLY OBVIOUS.

Remeron, now that I'm on a smaller dose, seems to be adjusting to me quickly, and this is giving me hope that I will be able to find a dosage of it in the next couple of week that will give me some real benefit.

When a med isn't working (or is "doing" something lame!) there are a lot of things that could be wrong. Wrong dosage, wrong drug for you, wrong diagnosis. The best way to address it is always by giving a prescriber and a therapist, if you have one, as much honest information about how things are going for you as possible, so they can help you figure it out.

So final summary, in my experience...seems like if a stimulant is "doing" something you will feel it. If you don't, might mean you need more of it, might mean you need to try something different.

Anti-depressants are more subtle and take their time. Again, if you feel no effect after a few weeks, tell your prescriber. If bad things are happening, then tell them that too, and right away so they can help you if there's a problem.

After you try a few, you will start to develop your own "map" in your head about "if" something is happening. And definitely ask your prescriber lots and lots of questions about each drug.

Lastly...if you're like me and your life is way too busy, do yourself a favor and take a few things off your plate so that you don't have a ton of stuff adding to your stress and making it harder for you to be able to "see" if anything is happening. Seriously...I am a terrible role model for that, but I'm trying...I really am, and I swear it's worth it.

Gonna go work on that one right now...