Anxiety, my rude, neurotic room-mate

I have always had an ambient buzz of anxiety sitting in my body. Always. Thanks to Remeron, not anymore! Which is great. But it means that when I DO experience anxiety recently, I REALLY notice it. I think because it's no longer a constant...it's just popping up in appropriate places, instead of being the annoying electrical whine-hum in every scene.

Basically I spent my life with a screaming person (anxiety!) in my house in the next room over. Instead of dealing with it, for 30+ years (my longest relationship ever, by far) I simply kept the door to their room closed. because I had to. You just can't get through life with a screamer like that if you actually acknowledge it all the time. I could still hear the screams and the sound had me on edge, constantly...but the sound was muffled a little bit. Now, I've stopped pacing, flung the door open wide, and have the luxury, at last of the energy to find new ways to deal with this issue. The Mirtazapine, a tetracyclic antidepressant sometimes used to treat anxiety (generic for Remeron), flat out shuts the screamer up much of the time and the silence is GORgeous so it doesn't matter if the door is open or closed. But sometimes the screamer has a legitimate complaint and will start screaming again and in comparison to the silence, that sound is hell (better than a randomly screaming screamer though!). Door's open and I can't ignore the screamer. So I might actually stop in the doorway and ask the screamer what's wrong. And if the screamer can tell me, I can deal with their concern, and maybe get them to stop screaming. A few times, when I was in the middle of a stressful project this weekend, I couldn't figure out what in the hell was wrong with that screamer...but they got tired and stopped screaming after a couple of days anyway. Eventually maybe I'll learn how to understand what the screamer is telling me in those kinds of situations but...ongoing project I guess.

The feeling of all of this is new though so at first I thought oh crap...something bad is happening again with medication. But in this case I'm fairly certain (because I feel SO relaxed most of the rest of the time) that it's just a matter of readjusting. And how cool is this...I used to live with anxiety that I had to expend enormous amounts of energy trying to ignore because it was so constant that over-ride (and giving in to obsessive-compulsive behaviors from time to time) was what I had to do to get through the day. I had to say "that's just anxiety making decisions for me so I have to ignore it" and push through my feelings and just act. It was a matter of survival, not choice. Now...much of the time the anxiety just isn't there and I marvel at how thin that line was between relaxation and the constant, malicious buzz. So that now, when I DO feel it...it is safer for me to check in with myself about why I am feeling that way, and actually consider if that anxiety is giving me good information that I can actually use to make decisions! I can at least use it to try to understand why certain things makes me nervous, and then proceed from there.

When ambient anxiety was my daily reality, I think that my method of coping was just fine...ignoring my feelings and even giving in to some impulses I shouldn't have was what I needed to do, and it was the only thing I COULD do under the circumstances. This process is freeing my feelings and allowing me to trust myself that much more, because the blatantly questionable anxiousness has been eliminated. Revolution and nothing less.

I am not thinking in terms of regret but I can't help thinking about the millions examples of how anxiety was running the show for me. Its tentacles wrapped around and through me and throughout every aspect of my life. And that line was so thin all that time...life without anxiety was available to me all that time. Seriously, it's pointless to regret decisions that I clearly wasn't ready to make earlier in life but it's pretty stunning to ponder.

Another fascinating tweak of understanding anxiety better is that I feel that I understand the line (at least for me) between anxiety and what we presently call ADHD that much better now. Some people experience anxiety as a result of ADHD, and I think that I also have that experience at times. But the weird ways that anxiety would nest in my body and my thoughts...it's just not the same thing. I get a little amped up when I'm worried because I'm feeling disorganized, but it's different from the ball that sat for probably 18 years beneath my left shoulder blade. The constant throat clearing that I couldn't stop myself from when I would just feel wiggy for no reason. The ambient sense of impending action or reaction. The self-consciousness of worry.

A perfect illustration of where the line is, exactly, is this: sitting in a meeting as I was yesterday. I arrived at the meeting and sat in my chair. I was feeling fairly relaxed, though groggy as I usually do in the morning. Doesn't matter what time I go to sleep at night or how much sleep I get, I'm not feeling awesome until about an hour or two after I wake up. I'm sitting in the chair, free of ambient anxiety. But I can't hold my mind still...and I'm watching other people in the meeting...and I start picking my finger nails, and I start jiggling my leg, and I start repositioning my legs under me like a little kid trying to get comfy in a big people chair except I'm in a conference room and I have to remind myself to adopt an adult posture, and then I realize that there's a bank president sitting next to me and what is this person going to think of me if they notice that--oh hey, is there a water cooler in here, nope just coffee, get up to get water, no, don't get up, then they're know you're not paying attention, stifle impulse, watch others, moves legs, wiggle feet in shoes, glad I wore what I did because it's cold in the room, checking out paintings on the far wall (I don't like rooms with nothing on the wall when I have to wait, that's the worst).

This whole time, between bouts of figeting I'm working to appear that I am listening. Occasionally I try taking notes, but realize there's not much to take notes about and of course once I realize that my mind is off an running again and I am spending the meeting working to appear that I'm paying attention instead of actually paying attention and THAT is the problem.

The funny thing about these kinds of situations is that because you're paying attention to everything else going on in the room you start to notice the others who can't pay attention. They're not everywhere but they ARE in places you wouldn't expect sometimes., like in this meeting Some of the most powerful, wealthy players in many circles are the ones that can't pay attention and keep checking their Blackberries, and accidentally interrupt people, but they're charismatic and funny and they get away with it because all of these behaviors are--for those who have ever taken an acting class or studied human behavior--high status behaviors and if you have money and status people expect you to display these kinds of behaviors. If you aren't rich or powerful people label you in a very different way. In the right situations, interrupting, refusing attention, and commanding attention with charisma are signs that someone is of higher status than you, or at least they think they are. They are also signs that an ADHDer was lucky and resourceful enough to quickly get themselves into a position in life where those behaviors will get them promoted instead of fired. I would bet there's a pretty even split between business people having these characteristics consciously or as a result of earned status...and having them because they have ADHD and think out of the box. The right circumstances and maybe even some compulsive ADHD risk-taking put them in the fortunate position of being "the boss" or the shot caller instead of in the unemployment line.

So...what I forgot to mention previously was that I took my Vyvanse not long after I sat down in the meeting. I fidgeted and worked to appear normal for nearly an hour...then the Vyvanse started working and I was able to sit still and contribute to the conversation instead of just skipping through it like a rock on a lake. Suddenly I wasn't even noticing the people around me because...I didn't care, because my brain wasn't flying.

This whole time, I did NOT feel anxious. That feeling I've come to know as anxiety was not even in check, it simply did not exist.

And this seems to be the pattern, the new way of things. The Mirtazapine soothes the anxiety away and the Vyvanse stills my mind.

I just can't believe I lived like that all this time! Gee, I wonder why it was easier to constantly make "new" choices instead of stick around long enough to really challenge my intellect and set some goals. Between my disordered anxiety and ADHD I was already spending so much energy fighting to appear "normal" I could have been...well, exactly where I am now. Finally able to explore the other possibilities, whatever they may prove to be.

Vyvanse: Chime in on your Stimulants People, I wanna hear it

I have posted before that I take Vyvanse, so someone asked me about it specifically. Me, I noticed an effect from it immediately. Like all of its other stimulant drug brethren, Vyvanse is (at least in my non-medical opinion) generally immediate-acting. Well...take that back, once it begins to be processed by your liver, which will depend on how your body processes things, you should probably notice some kind of effect.

Vyvanse is a little different from the other stimulants, in that it was formulated specifically to keep people from abusing it. In other words, you shouldn't get high from snorting it or doing anything else funny with it. I have seen people comment on other sites that they have indeed "gotten high" from snorting Vyvanse. If that's your bag, clearly you have way bigger problems than just ADHD, haha, and personally, I'm thinking that if you ARE getting high from it that way, either your liver is in your nose (which again, is a FAR more serious problem than ADHD!) or you're simply feeling a little funny because you're getting too much oxygen while trying to abuse an otherwise lesser of addictive evils. Vyvanse, is roughly the same thing as Adderall...but its structure allows it to be effective ONLY (allegedly) after going through your liver. Some call it genius, some call it just another way for a pharmaceutical company to make more money off of an aging brand. Me, I don't care, all I know is that for me it seems to be very helpful.

So...again, I'm no medical professional but it seems that if your body processes things like drugs slowly, it might take a little longer to kick in. For me, about one hour, like clockwork, after I take Vyvanse, my mind suddenly feels calmer, it is easier for me to choose to focus on what is in front of me and I stop running around. I sometimes get rather "determined" when I take it, and not in an angry way, but in an "I am working on THIS thing here...and no, I'm NOT going to work on that thing there" kind of way, but part of that for me is also me getting used to what to do with the focus, and being a little defensive when people/things attempt to distract me. I figured out by experimenting a little in the past week and discovered that for me, I think it really is working for somewhere around 10 hours, which is what it's supposed to do. I'm just so stunned to have a drug actually do what it's intended to do in my body that I don't trust that yet but, it seems to be true!

I WOULD LOVE IT IF SOME OTHERS WERE WILLING TO ADD SOME COMMENTS ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCES WITH STIMULANTS...just so we could see any commonalities or differences in people's experiences, and so that it might be possible to see a bit of the range of "effects" that people have, because I won't ever claim that my experience is universal (although I believe it to be fairly typical). Not a scientific study by any means, just a sketch of what people experience...so...if anyone happens to read and is willing to chime in, go for it.

If it's not "working" for you, there's a variety of reasons that could be. Not an all-inclusive list, but here's some possibilities:

1. the drug simply doesn't work for you
2. you might simply not know how to recognize the effects yet...keeping a journal during the day that you can then share with your prescriber might help you to figure that out
3. there might be another drug out there that might work better for you
4. you may have some other "co-morbid" issue that is getting in the way. Me, I also seem to have an anxiety disorder...and it seems to be the case that to really deal with my ADHD we had to get that under control a little first. Now that I seem to be having a good experience with anti-anxiety medication and therapy, NOW, when I take the Vyvanse (and by now I mean just in the last few days) I can clearly tell that it's doing something. Again, this may not be the case for everybody, but it is for me, and could happen to others. Lots of ADHDers have other mental health or general health issues that can complicate treatment of their ADHD
5. some people swear that the meds don't work for them, and as a result choose not to take them. No harm, no foul, that's up to them...so if you happen to not find something that you feel "works" then...you might end up being one of those people. Even in that case there may be some natural remedies that might help you, and as someone with a great therapist, I can't recommend that option highly enough...even if you ARE taking meds that work.
   
6. obligatory disclaimer that a medical professional may be able to add other possibilities to this list!

So...that's my love affair with Vyvanse in a nutshell. One hour after I swallow it I feel more able to choose focus over distraction, my mood generally improves slightly, completing tasks feels more natural somehow, and in general I feel more calm.

I'm serious when I say that I hope others might post a tidbit or two about their own stimulant experiences...fingers crossed...don't be shy... ;)

On the maplessness of medication...

I had someone ask me a few questions offline about meds. Of course, I can only address this question as someone who is currently a guinea pig, not as a medical professional. I'm addressing this in a post because I think others are often wondering the same things about trying meds...I know I do. Know too that I am writing as someone who is still searching for a good combo...I have only been on this road for about 6 months. Anyway, here goes:

Meds can hit everyone differently. Some people try meds and nothing happens. Some people, like me, try meds and EVERYTHING happens/the side effects kick me in the ass, and everything in between can happen too. This fact can make it a little hard to feel like you really know if they are "doing something" or "doing what they're suppposed to do".

When you are a really busy person, it makes it even harder to tell, because you might have so many things coming at you at once that it's hard to know if you're coming or going, nevermind if your meds are "working".

Also consider that if you are taking meds, but not doing therapy, you may be slapping a band-aid on a broken leg. You could be so used to hobbling around on the leg that you don't really see that the band-aid is not changing your relationship with that leg. Once you heal the leg the band-aid might be helpful for more cosmetic issues...which is what it is meant for, but band-aids don't fix broken legs. You can't use something for a purpose that it was not intended for, and them blame "it".

All of that said, in my experience, it seems like the stimulants are pretty straightforward drugs. Overall...it seems to me that based on my own experience and what I've read of others' experiences, IF you are having an effect from a stimulant medication, you will KNOW it. Either a particular drug will "work" for you or it won't. And for me that means I get an intense and pleasant state of focus where my brain just chills out, and my thoughts slow down a bit, and I can just keep working away without the distraction of "thoughtsplosions". There is nothing subtle about it, it is absolutely obvious that the focus is occurring. The other effect I seem to have with a stimulant (currently, for me, that means Vyvanse) is a very particular feeling of calm. Clear, light calm. It does not make me feel heavy, or speedy, in fact it's like a breeze blowing across my brain, making my energy focus a bit, and allowing me to just "do" whatever it is that I'm doing. It also puts me in a really good, light mood. Sometimes this can make me just a tiny bit oblivious about things going on around me while I'm working, but it does make me more productive so I consider this a good thing, and I can switch to focusing on something new without feeling grumpy. Again...there is nothing unmistakeable about this sensation.

Within these sensations, I still have to choose to make better decisions about how I spend my time, and what I blow all that focus on, and sometimes my choices are better than others. If you are taking a stimulant and truly do not notice any difference, I would go back to your prescriber, give them this information, and see what they say. The good news about stimulants is that there are several of them these days...so you can try others if the first ones you try don't seem to "do" anything.

The only other drugs I have experience with are anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. I get the sense from reading other people's experiences that working with these drugs (mostly SSRI's, SNRI's and the like) tends to be a much more subtle experience. Allegedly, it takes a little longer to see a result, during which time some interesting side-effects might pop up. In other words, you're not likely to take one dose of one of these types of drugs and magically feel like a whole new better you. It could be more like 4-6 weeks before you settle on a good dose. If you're like me, that could be a totally different experience...I have been "hit" by these drugs within an hour, and not in a good way, lol, BUT, most people, thankfully, are not that med-sensitive, so I would hardly report my experience as representative.

I have taken Strattera (an SNRI), Citalopram (generic for Celexa, an SSRI) and Mirtazapine (generic for Remeron, a tetracyclic antidepressant). Other than Strattera, they are not really intended for improving focus...I take them for generalized anxiety. Strattera gave me some cool focus, but was a little heavy for me otherwise...in that it actually made my mood feel a little "heavy". The focus was also not very consistent. This was a much wishy-washier experience than the stimulant. It did calm me down, and that, I liked, but overall, I tried it for a looong time, and it just didn't pan out.

Citalopram was another barrel of monkeys entirely...I've already blogged about that, but I will say this...whatever it was doing, for me, was not good for a lot of reasons, and it was REALLY OBVIOUS.

Remeron, now that I'm on a smaller dose, seems to be adjusting to me quickly, and this is giving me hope that I will be able to find a dosage of it in the next couple of week that will give me some real benefit.

When a med isn't working (or is "doing" something lame!) there are a lot of things that could be wrong. Wrong dosage, wrong drug for you, wrong diagnosis. The best way to address it is always by giving a prescriber and a therapist, if you have one, as much honest information about how things are going for you as possible, so they can help you figure it out.

So final summary, in my experience...seems like if a stimulant is "doing" something you will feel it. If you don't, might mean you need more of it, might mean you need to try something different.

Anti-depressants are more subtle and take their time. Again, if you feel no effect after a few weeks, tell your prescriber. If bad things are happening, then tell them that too, and right away so they can help you if there's a problem.

After you try a few, you will start to develop your own "map" in your head about "if" something is happening. And definitely ask your prescriber lots and lots of questions about each drug.

Lastly...if you're like me and your life is way too busy, do yourself a favor and take a few things off your plate so that you don't have a ton of stuff adding to your stress and making it harder for you to be able to "see" if anything is happening. Seriously...I am a terrible role model for that, but I'm trying...I really am, and I swear it's worth it.

Gonna go work on that one right now...

When high functioning becomes low functioning

Uhhh. Alright. Where to start with this one.

I am what pretty much anyone would consider a "high-functioning ADHDer". Whatever that means. I mean really...am I really functioning particularly well if I'm coping myself through life with self-destruction? Yeah...not so much.

Anyway...so here I am, a person with ADHD who has begun to try to unravel the coping mechanisms that brought her to this point. The stuff that I do that lets me get the work done...but also hurts my health and psychological wellness. I work too much, too long, too often, I overcommit, I mimic OCD, I have no respect for my own boundaries. I have terrible self esteem because I feel out of place, so I don't respect my own boundaries and I only recently have I begun to actually believe, really and truly, that I'm a smart person...too many humiliating timed tests in school when you can't concentrate will do that to a person. But blahblahblah, back here in the present, I am in a very, very weird position, for the first time in my life.

An interesting note about stimulant medication...that will set the stage.

When you have spent your life with a racing, impulsive mind that won't shut off...stimulant medication is both a miracle...and also, I speculate, just like giving a person who has been deaf for a lifetime a hearing aid. Fascinating and painful.

Now that I have had a taste of calm in my mind, I have no tolerance for chaos.

Now that I see the spaces between things, I want to honor instead of accidentally fill them.

When I began this process of treating my ADHD, when people would ask me questions like "are you easily distracted" or "are you bothered by distractions" I would have said no. Because, I now realize, I didn't even know what distractions were! I just thought my environment was filled with magical discoveries all day long! I was pulled to each with equal enthusiasm, and not bothered, not one fucking bit. I loved them, I indulged them, I juggled them with virtuosity (while, um, managing my MUST DO list much less well, yes, I'll be honest). I wasn't bothered by coworkers...I would migrate from office to office all day long, gathering information and sharing my neurotic musings on life on anyone willing to engage me. (Yes...I was THAT coworker. I'll apologize for my cubicle wandering brethren. We really can't help ourselves, but I'm sure you knew that.)

Oh I somehow got my work done...and it was boring as hell...and...I would have to work extra hours to get it done because the shine had worn off after about two months, if that...but I didn't mind. For years I didn't mind, even though it was obvious that my work habits looked nothing like anyone else's in the office no matter what office I worked in. When I needed to work I would bury myself in my office for hours with the lights off, and headphones on, to eliminate these things I did not consider distractions, so I could just focus...and all day...actually THIS was pretty annoying, people would come by and flip the light on going "oh, your light is off" as if it seemed impossible that someone could need the light off to work. I finally trained them to leave the light the frig alone. I knew that I truly could NOT work without the headphones and the low light. I knew that much at least about the light, by the 3rd grade...but still, I did not really know what distractions were. Because to me, it was totally normal to be assaulted by my environment.

I also became that employee that has no boundaries between work and home. You see, my unconventional ways of working made me very self-conscious, and like I always had to say yes...or volunteer, when a boss needed someone to do something early in the morning/late at night/insane. Good stuff. Good for job security, makes bosses more able to see past the fact that you are always late for meetings, and for that matter, always sneaking in late from downstairs in the morning...but bad for a lot of other reasons...but again, all of this, to me, was normal.

Enter Vyvanse. Exit problems with anti-depressants. Enter...enter...holy shit! I see order in the universe! I see space between breaths! I see London, I see France, I see intolerance for distraction...bwahahaha! What the frig?!

No seriously...what the frig?! Oh no, I know that stimulants can cause people to be agitated and angry, and I'm pretty sure that's not what's going on...because I'm not angry. I'm pretty frustrated though...and I really want to simplify my life. I think the problem is this...I can see NORMAL now. And I actually don't mind it. And I actually want to work within it.

The problem is that I chose this life, and all of the people, and things, and evils of the world in it...when I didn't know how to recognize distraction for what it truly is. When I accepted chaos for normal. When I was happy and able to bounce through life like a superball.

Vyvanse helps me slow down...I can sit and work for hours...but I'm fighting with all of these factors that if given the choice now, I would probably never choose, because I would recognize that they are all frickin' nuts.

This made me think two things...1) sometimes high functioning is low functioning. If you have a hard time getting motivated...you might get some medication and start making what they call progress...toward trying some new things, etcetc... but if you are already flying through life at a quick and dirty speed of light...and have found ways to cope yourself into submission...and you know that if you let go for one second you could lose hold of everything...it makes it harder to let go...harder to make progress, perhaps, in a way (or maybe just equally hard)...because you have to let go...and lose control...a let some of the loose pieces fly away...before you can RE-learn your surroundings, and what they are, and what they mean, and write yourself a new map of behaiors to cope.

2) I am going to proceed with the "plan" that I'm on, even though it's uncomfortable right now, and even though it may create total war between me and every other influence in my current life.

For example...I do like my primary job. I do love my ADHD boss. But yesterday, as I just kept trying to finish one particular task, and had spent half the morning looking for a file, and had asked the two other people in the office twice, if they had seen it anywhere, and everyone was talking over everyone, and no file was in sight, and the phone kept ringing, I finally blew a cork. I had selected this task as one that I wasnted to finish and for three hours had battled my environment over it. It sounded something like this, as I stood between the two of them "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MCCARTHY FILE?!". Silence. Then one of them ran to the other room, found it, and brought it back, and I finished my task. Am I going to have to go work in a cubicle???

Maybe this is just a case of "it gets worse before it gets better". Okay...I'll try a little longer.

No, I swear to god it's not meds induced rage. I have two jobs, two side-businesses, one of which involves managing a herd of artists, two parents who ABSOLUTELY have ADHD, a very public life, I'm a full time grad student, a boss with ADHD, and some relationship issues we are working through. I am also helping my parents with the family business for the next little while because of an unexpected issue. I have had three meds changes in 6 months, some of which have gone VERY badly and made it impossible for me to think to the point where I now have to delay graduation until next semester. In general, I choose quirky environments and quirky people to exist with. And on top of all of this, I am trying to relearn how to "do life".

This life would give anyone rage. Just add Vyvanse, so that I finally have the clarity to distinguish chaos from calm, truth from ADHD bullshitting, the acuity to actually SEE distractions for what they are instead of following them like a trail of candy...and the power to just barely begin to make different choices? Yeah...I'm a little frustrated, SUPER cranky, and popping an occasional cork.

Other than that, I feel great. But never has high functioning felt so, so low functioning.

What Wouldn't I Give for a Beer, Right Now...

I would love a nice cold beer in a bottle, right now. There's about 24 of them in my fridge. But I'm in the middle of TESTING OUT NEW PSYCH MEDS HELL right now so I really would actually have to be nuts to try a beer at the moment.

I am not only in psych meds hell, I am also in "exceptionally bad time finding the right psych meds" hell.

It all started with Strattera. Not enough consistency, and the weighty feeling was a little unnerving.

Next...Vyvanse...wow, great stuff. For a few days...then not anymore...then a higher dose...same thing, great for a few days and then...not so much...then a higher dose and nope, doesn't seem to--oh wait...is it that the Vyvanse isn't working or is it just that I feel COMPLETELY NUTS because this new antidepressant has made me into a HOT MESS?!

Hmm. Not sure. Hard to tell. Hard to tell anything really, when you are alternating between so doped off your ass you feel like you just smoked about 3 joints by yourself...and so drugged that you are slurring and can't walk straight and can't hold up your own head...and so irritable that if you didn't really love the cat you'd sort of like to throw it out the window because you can't stand the sounds it's making (no actual cat throwing has occurred, or will occur! I am simply using figurative language to achieve a literary goal!)...and so nervous you can't think straight...and so paranoid that every time you talk to someone (because until you left the house you didn't realize how socially inappropriate you were) you worry that they think you are crazy, because you know you seem kinda crazy, and you have to stop yourself from explaining your self and then actually, in fact, acting crazy. Just really hard to tell ANYTHING about your very straightforward stimulant when the anti-depressant is making your anxiety 18 times worse than anything you're even in treatment for. And that's just the last 24 hours! And, might I add...only 15 mg of anti-depressant. Did I mention that I'm med sensitive? Well I WAS NOT JOKING. Sheesh. And did I mention that I can't drive, at all, like this? I shouldn't be operating a toothbrush, nevermind driving a piece of machinery.

And this is after the great citalopram experiment...where 10 mg was okay...so we moved up to 20mg...and I had horrifying anxiety, which I waded through because I knew that I needed to get past that side-effect to see if there would be any benefit for me from the drug. At about week four things were GREAT. Wow. That's how I know the Vyvanse wasn't screwing with me. I was taking both, and I felt focused, CALM, and for the first time in my entire life, FREE of anxiety. It was amazing. Then of course I refilled the prescription from another pharmacy whose supply came from a different manufacturer...the debilitating anxiety came back. My prescriber and I discussed whether or not I wanted to try to get back to that good point, by reducing the dosage, or trying to get the drug from the original manufacturer again...until I showed him the huge, disgusting bruises all over my legs, that had appeared during the time I was taking the citalopram. That put my prescriber over the edge (and also meant he had to ask me some questions that would have been really embarrassing to have to answer if I wasn't me, and didn't have the boring, normal life that I have). I believe the quote was "give me back the prescriptions, now". He wrote me a new one.

So here I am in the throes of the great Remeron experiment. And all I can really say, 15mg and 24 hours later is: HOLY SHIT. No...seriously...if you've read this blog for five minutes, you know I'm an articulate person but...HOLY SHIT. I described the effect above, and it is no exaggeration. Within ONE hour I was a slurring, stumbling, giggling, hungry, passing-out disaster. Some people would pay big money for this payoff, me, I just want to escape from it. In addition to the above described wackness, I also spent my entire day completely unable to stop myself from fidgeting...tapping, moving constantly, worryworryworrying, making a ton of unnecessary phone calls, totally OCD-ing out...I felt like a prisoner in my own mind. Misery.

Now then...in addition to my prescriptions, my prescriber said to me...because I SUCK at asking for help or identifying when to ask for help, even when I'm having something bad happen...said "YOU MUST CALL ME IF ANYTHING HAPPENS that is bothering you". Okay. I considered this an additional prescription because I am so lame about admitting that I need help. Usually when I call to tell him something I am unable to say "I feel bad and need help"...I say "oh that's okay, I'm okay, I'll just talk to him later" and other such stupid, self-effacing things. And they always say "we can have one of the other prescribers give you a call back, are you sure?" and I always refuse. And then he gets upset with me because I didn't tell him how bad things were. Well NOT ANYMORE I said.

So tonight, terrified (bordering on hysterical) to take another full 15 mg of this insanity I called the mental health center...and they said "he's not here, he can call you tomorrow or someone else can call you back today" and I said "okay, let's do both because I'm feeling pretty bad". Good job Miss K! Good job! Waited...no call back...me=panicking because I am an overwrought mess because of the meds and I'm terrified. Waited longer. Agonized. Finally called again...and got a person who apparently forgot to screw their own head on this morning before they went to work to answer a phone at a mental health center. Here's an approximate transcript of our phonecall:

"Hello, XYZ Mental Health Center, how can I (not) help you?"
"Hi...I called earlier and really needed someone to call me back but didn't get a call."
"Oh. Who are you trying to reach?"
"Mr. Potatohead, but he won't be in until morning."
"OH! Cool, you can talk to him then!". Clearly she thought this was a sufficient response.
Me says "Right...and I will...but I'm having a problem now...and it's really hard for me to admit when I might be having a problem and call, so...can you just tell me, is there anyone in who is legally authorized to prescribe meds because I really need to talk to someone."
"Oh...hold on. (LONG PAUSE) Nope, sorry, Dr. Soandso isn't in."
"Right...I'm not even a patient of Dr. Soandso...look, is anyone there that can answer a meds question?"
"No. Just call your pharmacy." (Picture me taking phone away from ear and staring at it.)
"Right. Okay...here's the deal. I'm taking psychiatric medication and I'm afraid because it's doing really bad things to me, and I'm actually SO afraid of my medication, that I am simply not going to take my medication if I can't talk to a medical professional--is there no other number I can call?".

Wait for it...wait for it...what do you suppose the genius...that just told a psych meds patient threatening non-compliance to just get over it and wait until morning...what do you suppose this genius said?

(PAUSE)

"No."

What you should know reader is that I was sitting there in front of my computer screen LOOKING AT THEIR EMERGENCY HOTLINE NUMBER. Why didn't I just call it? Because...as I said...I am the WORST at being able to tell when I'm having an emergency and I will put up with far too much before I will ask for help...and hello...my thinking processes were so scrambled a few hours ago, when I had this conversation, that I could barely think, nevermind exercise decent judgement. I was in no position to help myself...and clearly, neither was this idiot, who didn't bother to mention the emergency number...and who incidentally, I hope is fired after I talk to my prescriber tomorrow. I'm not so annoyed about how she treated ME per se...I'm terrified that if I had been actually psychotic, or suicidal, or harmful to myself or other people...all possibilities when someone is calling a freaking mental health center...that she would have done exactly what she did to me. This woman had no idea what it took for me to even call in the first place...no idea what a struggle it is for me to ask for help...and none of that matters, because no matter what, if you are answering the phone at a mental health center, at any time of day, you should NEVER say to someone what she said to me. (To be totally, totally clear...this is not normal when you call this center...they are usually much more professional.)

I cried hysterically for a while...then called a pharmacist to ask some questions. He assured me that this is apparently TOTALLY NORMAL when you first start this drug. And that typically this drug is prescribed to people who have sleep issues in addition to anxiety (which I don't have) or could stand to gain some weight (and I could definitely stand to add some pounds to my 105...in fact I would LOVE to). This shit gives you the munchies like none other. I've been eating Doritos and nacho cheese all day... at least I wasn't hungry while I was feeling awful in every other way.

So I asked the pharmacist "sir...I know you're not a prescriber...and you're not my prescriber...but honestly, I don't want to take the full dose of this medication, it freaks me out. Will I turn into a pumpkin if I split the dose in half tonight before I get to talk to my prescriber?". He said "Sounds like a plan. Then talk to your guy in the morning.".

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So...if only I could wash that half a tablet down with a beer. But I can't. And I won't. But the ice cold beer in my imagination right now tastes soooooo goooooood.