I've taken a radical position: being myself

I'm gently settled into my new job, like a fresh snowflake. A lacy newcomer, perched on the efforts of the snowflakes who have come before me. About to be squished into the history of this place, by a blizzard of new demands.

But all winter metaphors aside, this is a very ADHD friendly workplace, at least for MY version of ADHD.

I had another potential job before this, that I decided not to continue the interview process on...after seeing that I would be working in a room with 10 other people, all talking on the phone, all day long, all facing each other, with no escape, and with fluorescent overhead lighting splashed over the whole shebang like too much oily salad dressing. I was very interested in the job, so I panicked a little when I saw that the workplace was extremely inappropriate to my work-needs quirks. I told myself that this was a chance for me to try something new: picking an environment to fit ME, rather than shaping myself to the environment. It's good to be flexible, but I ALWAYS put myself in that position, which means that I often put myself in situations where I may be able to improve the situation for others, but I am often stressing myself out, trying to fit in boxes I shouldn't be forcing myself to squish into, no matter how superior my contortionist skills.

For many years I have been a human pretzel, worrying that if I don't fill this role, I will never have a job, or never be needed, or...that I'll simply get bored because I won't be working so hard to "be" something I shouldn't have to be.

This time I drew a line around myself and vowed to honor that boundary.

Our office: shared office, but we all have our own workspace. Everybody likes having the overhead lights off for a significant portion of the day. And...nobody minds if I have headphones on at times when I need to focus. So I have the stimulation of a few people around, but the option to engage...and no blaring fluoresecents throughout the day. This is PERFECT for me.

I have the freedom to work independently but I have to work within the boundaries of an 8:30 to 5:30 work day. This little nod to structure is actually helpful.

I was hired for my creativity.

I have a boss who is available for questions and who is interested in my ideas.

We work in a big, beautiful victorian mansion that is aesthetically pleasing to exist within.

We adapt to the formality of the situation at hand...when we need to be "business" we are business, when we need to dress to move furniture, we dress to move furniture.

My primary business is: engaging people in what we do. I'm good at that. Really good at that.

I feel like I fit here just the way I am.

After the first dose of medication...

...comes this weird transition time, where you think it's not working anymore. Here's my experience with that feeling.

1) I started taking medication.

2) It opened my eyes to what "focus" really means, and I felt like things would be perfect like that forever!

3) Then I noticed something. The meds didn't actually make life perfect. And as I got used to them, I thought they weren't working...or something.

4) Then I panicked. I kept going to my prescriber going "I think I need a higher dosage! It's not working! It's not working!". Finally had my dose so high that I felt REALLY not awesome, way too amped up, and way too rigid.

5) So I tried another medication. And again, the first time I took it, life was beautiful. Then I panicked as I got used to it and thought it wasn't working.

6) Then I just didn't take them for a while...and noticed something. Noticed that the meds WERE doing something, they were just doing something more subtle than I was initially able to appreciate. (Then I had to be patient while some eccentric factors in my life that made it hard for me to commit to medication, moved on...but that's another issue.)

7) When my brain is naked, it has hyperfocused highs, and practically comatose lows. With the meds...the highs are lower and the lows are higher...and I'm overall less anxious while trying to get things done.

8) Oh.

9) So I take it now...and I like it. And I DO see how it helps. Of COURSE the meds aren't as pronounced now--now that I'm used to the feeling, it's not NEW ANYMORE.

10) And now that I've been taking them for a while...I see the benefit...AND I see how I've been better able to pick and choose and try different choices, and even keep some of the methods I was already using to make my life more functional. (Before, it wasn't conscious, it was just "coping"...now, it's "making choices".)

Some of the coping skills I've kept:

• Creating visual cues.
• Keeping my work desk REALLY clean.
• Double checking my work notes to make sure I don't forget things or lose important info as I work.
• Make to-do lists. The only difference is that now I make sure to put all lists in one place, and sometimes will take a few minutes to combine them.

Some of the coping skills I've learned to fill in the gaps:

• Asking people to repeat themselves when I haven't heard what they've said. I used to pretend I wasn't lost and them do reserach later to fill in the gaps. I feel silly sometimes asking people to repeat themselves, but I'm learning to do it in more subtle ways. At first I would say things like "I don't think I actually heard the last 45 seconds of what you just said because I was thinking about something else". Oops. Not subtle. Now it's more like "now wait, what was that about the x-y-z widget?".
• Communicating more clearly with the people who live with me about why I do things the way I do. Helps my husband understand, which makes us sharing space a better experience...and I ask him about things instead of assuming that I know why he's left the milk carton in the middle of the counter (visual cue! duh!). And communicating these things to my step-daughter teaches a little girl with ADHD, how you can be organized and productive with ADHD. Kaboom!

And overall...I feel less moody, probably for two reasons. On the one hand, I have more of the chemicals my brain wants, in order to stay more even. On the other hand, I've gained more expertise in using my coping skills to navigate my life.

Pills really don't teach skills, but they DO make it easier to make better choices about learning new skills. I bet that a lot of people stop taking the meds after that first awesome introduction to the world of focus...I also bet there's a study out there on that somewhere...hmmm....

All of this makes me understand why the potential for improvement for people who are diagnosed and properly treated is actually quite good/skewed toword improvement...and why some really, after a while, may not need medication anymore. Personally, I like the help that the meds give me during the work day especially but hey, I'm not everyone...

New Year in New Hampshire

Sonny and I find ourselves orbiting reality out in the middle of the NH woods this New Year's Day. We have no children today, but we do have Black Sabbath, a slingshot, snow, mimosas, cool people, and SUNSHINE!

Last night it was bonfire, drunkenness, music jams (with a whole houseful of musicians, it was inevitable), snowball fight, a crockpot full of chili and some really cool ice lanterns.

And what else do we have? Hmmmmm? What else? We have 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been waiting for this moment. An arbitrary moment, delineated by the human construct we call "calendar" but giving this segment of time a new name is inspiring. And it's just the inspiration I need to continue pushing forward after a time of intense trial.

Pat Your Head, Rub Your Tummy and put your foot on the gas...

...today I helped my 8-year old stepdaughter learn to use a pottery wheel.

I actually have no idea how to use one. I DID read the directions. And demonstrated to her that I knew this step was IMPORTANT.

Predictably, the first attempt really pissed her off...haha. This was ADHD impatience at its finest...there was whining, rage, abuse of anyone within range and not listening to directions, all wrapped up in one squishy looking lump.

Her father told her if she continued to behave that way, the pottery wheel would make a swift exit. I kept reminding her that this was all an experiment, perfection was not the goal, and that my potter friends have been doing this for YEARS to do what they do.

It's not easy being a little girl with ADHD who is also a perfectionist with completely unachievable expectations.

She turned the impatience knob down a bit for attempt number two...and a miraculous thing occurred. She started to see what her hands could do...and was better able to coordinate the pedal pushing and finger movements. And on attempt #3...WELL NOW. Suddenly she was making pretty, smooth sides and lovely flattened edges.

And toward the end she was VERY focused. Like a LASER. SCARY focused! I sort of loved the look on her face because I can totally relate to that brand of hyperfocus.

FUN TIIIMES! Channel the hyperfocus for the forces of good! It's exciting to watch her begin to learn ADHD navigation at such a young age...

World Domination, ADHD-style

People with ADHD are numerous on my list of most productive, remarkable, and driven people.

I bet you think I'm going to say that ADHD is a gift :)

But NOOOOOOO...nothing of the sort. (Orange you glad I didn't say banana?) I am simply pointing out that ADHD in itself does not doom you to a life of failure.

I'm gelling on this topic because one of my ADHD-friends announced, a few days ago, on Facebook, that she was taking nominees for her personal Overachiever Of The Year award. And the nominees, shall we say, were very interesting. My husband and I were among them, but so were my other favorite ADHD people. Our friend Susan ended up being chosen as the Winner. Susan is the kind of person that can start a non-profit, organize a benefit concert, try her hand at needlepoint, stop in to perform music at the local Farmers Market, bake Dulce de Leche cupcakes, and research medieval history simultaneously. Perhaps my favorite thing she ever uttered is "there are 24 usable hours in every day". And yes...she has ADHD. And it's nothing she hides.

My friend that created the award: has lived at least 9 lives in this one. She's a gifted fiber artist, gardener, raiser of sheep, game-designer by profession and as we like to refer to her, fairy godmother. If you just happen to need a pair of vintage 1970s sunglasses, she's your hookup.

Another ADHD friend? Has started a school, and a music education center, both of which are going swimmingly. City council meeting? She's there. Dots need connecting? She's on it. And when she's not connecting external dots, she's connecting internal ones and deeply researching her next project...as well as raising 3 children.

My sweet husband? Coordinates a music program at a private school, plays in two bands in addition to the occasional solo gig, and composes jazz. Also a dedicated and very hands-on father of 3. (And the best husband, ever. Not that I'm an expert because he's only husband #1...ha...)

Among my other ADHD acquaintances: a newspaper editor, a highly successful businessman at the head of a classic business "empire", an effective lobbyist/attorney, another highly entreprenurial attorney who has carved out a career, a niche and a national reputation on his pet issues...there are more but I have a point to address here.

These people are not successful because they have ADHD (at least, not in my opinion). They are successful because they have found KICK ASS ways to manage their unique and raging minds. They have either intentionally or accidentally surrounded themselves with critical support systems. They have chosen mates that fit their "style". (And of course, some have left mates that did not...or have been left by those mates.) These are people who struggle with managing their pursuits but are driven to find ways to make them work. Driven to find the right collaborators to get the job done...driven to find the right hands to lay their projects in when they are ready to move on...driven to find ways to keep themselves organized, and who, after becoming frustrated, continue moving forward. People who find unique ways to organize themselves (and who fail at times, through trial and error, but who keep trying because they have no choice). People who frustrate themselves and may, at times, be driven temporarily insane by things like deadlines, or by the volume of the rushing thoughts in their own minds (or disconcerted by the sluggish quiet they may find there at times). People who figure out how to survive higher education that they need to achieve their goals, or who have found clever ways around that need...

But they are also all people who happen to be intelligent, persistent and resourceful. These are traits of personality...traits that the circumstances ADHD may have forced to become more prominent, though ADHD is not the ingredient that makes success certain.

I love this magic, holy ground where ADHD and personality meet.

To me, in many ways, it simply does not matter that I have ADHD, because I simply do. I can sit and think about it, and "what it means" as much as I want to, but the fact does not change (I do enjoy exploring the topic, I'm not gonna lie.). What can change, is how I choose to approach my life. And I choose to approach it in a way that allows me healthy exploration of my drives, and inspiration from the brilliant people I surround myself with, who, as it turns out, are probably making some similar choices, in varying degrees of struggle.

Whatever our brain chemicals are doing, we are living unique and yes, successful lives.

Yes. Successful lives.

And so this is Christmas...and what have you done...

I have a lot of things to say about Christmas and none of them have anything to do with one another, but the element of holy day. Holly day. Jolly day.

First, Christmas freaks me out. It's a big ol' clusterfuck of all the things that make people with ADHD (okay, perhaps I shouldn't generalize and we'll just apply this to my situation) freak out. Too much to do, too little money to do it, which requires extra time and money management, comes right at the time of year when heating prices go up (for those of us in northern, freezing-ass cold climates), it's an assault of the spiritual senses as we have to digest a multitude of equally baffling versions of what people think "it" means, crowds of people (families) get together and make lots of noise in one place and demand each others attention from 5 sides of the room at once, people who don't give a crap about charity the whole rest of the year can suddenly tell you what the world needs now...wow. It hurts my brain.

Last night I had a nice night with mom, dad, sis, sis's boyfriend, and my husband and the kids. It was really a great night but I will say this, holidays are simply overstimulating for me. Sonny commented that I seemed a little off. Correct on two counts. One, I am still recovering from a horrific version of the stomach flu that required me to be hopsitalized overnight last weekend and two, there was way too much going on. People talking everywhere, too loud, 800 kinds of food, moving mechanical dolls, children yelling and playing and laughing, two dogs running around like maniacs. I DID enjoy myself, but I am always aware, in situations like this, that I am overstimulated. Well now wait...I wasn't ALWAYS aware, I used to just feel weird and not understand why and it freaked me out. Now I get it, so even if I'm overstimulated, I'm not freaking out. If it's too much I go lay down for a bit.

Here's what I like about holidays:

Working retail. I love being busy and thinking on my feet. Voila...you have the retail holiday season. I'm speedy at the register and don't mind running from one end of the store to the other looking for ridiculous last minute shit.

Big hunks of meat and fatty cheese from faraway lands (or local, equally smelly versions). I used to be a vegetarian, but I'm hypoglycemic. Hypoglycemia plus ADHD=moody bitch. Big meat and cheeses=I can think, and my taste buds are happy.

Olives and pickles.

Those little, weird, almost unnoticed sad moments that most people gloss over. I feel weird ignoring them, so I don't. I say hello to homeless people. Melancholy is part of reality, even at the "happiest" time of the year. Someday I would like to do away, altogether, with the "Christmas Magic". It feels like we ignore what's really important for 11 months, and then we really REALLY ignore it for the month of December in the name of being jolly. Weird.

That said, Sonny bought me a gorgeous original painting. I love it. It was my favorite painting from an exhibit of a man who lives here in town. He moved here with his wife and children, from Iraq. They left because their oldest son was kidnapped and they'd given their life savings to buy his freedom...if he was taken again they would not be able to afford his freedom and he would likely have been killed, so they left. The father and the other son are truly gifted painters. The painting is called "The Seamstress". A beautiful woman, rendered in vibrant color, holds a sewing machine over her head. She's strong, she's empowered...she embodies everything I love about sewing.

Sonny also showed that he pays attention to his lady's ridiculous culinary and spiritual peculiarities with the following stocking stuffers:

lemon curd
OLIVES
chocolate-covered Spanish almonds
an orange

There's a Christmas story from the Little House on the Prairie book series, where the Ingalls family gets a visit from their friend, Mr. Edwards. The visit itself was a big deal in those days, because travel was such an ordeal, especially in the midwestern winter. But he brought an orange and a penny for each of the children and they were ecstatic! My mother pointed out, when I was a child, that the value of things can change depending on your situation...but that it's important to be grateful for even the little things. When I was a little girl, we always had an orange in the bottom of our stocking as a reminder. Orange: check!

And...I got a remote control helicopter from the kids. Superficially, this may seem like a cute gift that THEY really perhaps wanted for themselves, but no...no my friends...this was a special request. I wanted one bad. I crashed it about 12 times out in the yard before admitting that I really need to read the directions.

So it was a nice holiday. Step-daughter suggested that we have a food drive. I'm going to help her make that happen. What with the "Christmas Magic" out of the way for the year we can get around to making the kind of magic that the world really needs. And, as I've said throughout this economic downturn, you never know when YOU might be the person that needs the magic helping hand...

My cats thought I was a total asshole 'til I found that can of tuna...

I left the house for the specific purpose of buying cat food.

I returned with a remote control tarantula, night-vision spy binoculars, boys socks, a bag of bows, a sack of oranges and a roll of ribbon.

I got home and was very annoyed by the cats, spooling their way through my legs and trying to throw me down the basement stairs.

Suddenly I remembered what I'd forgotten. I pulled out my shopping list to compare intent to result. It read:

wrapping paper
bows

Sonny had mentioned the oranges on his way out the door.

Earlier today, when the two of us went out shopping together, I actually made a long, detailed list, we stuck to it, and we got a lot done, despite the asskicked state of my immune system (more on that later).

100% perfection is just not a realistic expectation.

I clawed my way through the cupboard and dug out a last can of tuna. I put it on a really nice gold-edged saucer to let them know I really cared.

Then I told Sonny that I'd left the remainder of our master to-do list on his sweater pile, so he wouldn't miss it. We both glanced to the sweater pile...where he'd just put his pants, right on top of the list, totally obscuring it. He pulled out the list...and we'll have to add "cat food" to it...