Sometimes I LIKE hyperspeed!!!!!!!!!

There are times when hyperspeed is a bad thing. And there are times when it's a fun thing. AND there are times when it's a useful thing.

Right now, I have some scenarios in life that interact with me in such a way that I am not enjoying hyperspeed. For example, when I have already identified that I am DONE with something and yet there are mitigating circumstances, requiring my attendance for a bit longer...shockingly, this is not a situation where I shine. It's not a situation where anyone shines...but for the ADHD mind, always thinking to the NEXT, it's basically hell, and it takes quite a bit of work not to REACT to the situation by doing something cool like leaving or verbally snapping like a twig.

Oh that doesn't mean that we ADHD adults can never restrain the impulse to DO such things...just that it's a bigger struggle to say NO to the inner impulse. That I might have to go take a few walks around the block in order to channel the energy in a more positive direction. I know my limits and a few of them have been reached. It's great for the dog, he likes the walks.

I have many fish frying simultaneously at the moment though, so some fish are overcooked, some fish are just browning, some fish have sat in the cold oil too long and I'm hoping they aren't disgusting when I'm done frying them up. Hoping the frying can hide the odor.

Hoping I can free myself from this stinky metaphor.

One way I have found to cope with these scenarios that frustrate me, is to allow myself movement in some other area. I used to allow movement in too many areas, anything to GET AWAY. Now I try to allow myself the joy of hyperspeed without judgment, just on one glorious salt-flat.

It's a moderated hyperspeed...it's the only kind I can allow myself right now. It's keeping me stimulated enough to tolerate that which irks me.

Humming along. Back to the sanctioned torrent at hand...

As if "Deficit" isn't enough...

...they tack "Disorder" on too.

I think we need to drop the "Disorder". It's redundant and it flies in the face of honoring neurodiversity. This isn't about being PC, it's about not beating dead horses. I KNOW I have a deficit, duh, that's why I went to a mental health center and said "hey y'all, I think I have ADHD".

It's just that I'm already living with a lack of something. I'm already behind some kind of neurobiological 8-ball. I'm already running to catch up with whatever the heck it was that y'all were just talking about while I was tinkering with my plan to dominate the world by picking blueberries for an hour in the middle of the work day. All of this would be sufficient to alert me to my dopamine deficiency without reminding me that I have a DISORDER.

DISORDER-DISORDER-DISORDER.

A deficiency is, in itself, by definition, something to be addressed. ADHD may not be a gift, but I'll be damned if I'm going to run around spitting in the face of everything I've done in life, by repeating "DISORDER-DISORDER-DISORDER" to myself. It's pointless self-abuse.

I have an attention deficit. And if you really read "the literature" you realize that even that part of the label really is fucked anyway. ADHD is NOT an issue of not being able to pay attention, it's an issue of not being able to regulate attention. Which often looks like overfocusing, actually...if you want to get technical.

So THERE, the whole label is screwed.

Attention Regulation Disorder would be more accurate even if it does use the D-word.

And I can own that...I DO have difficulty regulating my attentiveness. But does it mean that I'm disordered, or simply eccentric from the norm. I own my difference, and I own that it presents challenges. But there are some really boring damn people out there with "normal" brains and personally, I think that's a way bigger problem.

I'm going to start referring to those people as "Humor Perception Disordered".

Oh-oh...sorry...I mean "Humor Perception Deficient".

So I married Sonny Rollins...

...and it really was the most beautiful, joyous, fun-filled day of our lives :)

The Big Day...

...Sonny Rollins and I are getting married this weekend. Oh YES we are. We are forming an ADHD SUPERUNION!

My ADHD secret for making your wedding NOT insane? Get as much done ahead of time as you can...and as the day gets closer, just nix stuff that's stressing you out. It's not worth it to wig yourself with the little stuff at the end. And as Sonny keeps saying, no matter what happens that day, we still end up married, and that's the important part.

We're excited, our families are excited, the kids are excited. It's possible that the dogs and cats are excited but they're just not letting on.

Sonny and I are both getting our hair did the day before...oh, there's a story...

Okay, so about two weeks ago, suddenly a bunch of stuff that we'd put in place ages ago started to fall apart. The bartender was a total douche and quit, for literally no reason. THEN, the band figured out that they'd overbooked themselves because two band members didn't talk to one another about booking. Then my dress turned green. I'm not joking. Because the bartender quit, we now had to figure out our own liquor order at the last minute. Let's see, what else...a series of unfortunate financial events, that was grand. We went to get a marriage license and city hall told us we needed a CERTIFIED copy of his divorce decree...so we went to the Court and it was closed...and after we finally got said certified copy, we went back to get the license and their printer at City Hall wasn't working! There were several other small disasters, but you get the idea. THEN, the big one: Sonny's sweet grandfather died. Again, not joking. Been healthy for 85 years and sadly, he fell ill and never recovered.

Which brings us to last night...when I realize that the wedding hair appointment that I'd set 6-8 weeks ago was at the same time as his grandfather's funeral. I didn't realize it sooner because I can't find my iPhone and hence my calendar is out of sight, out of mind. Cue the laugh track (not) as I call Sonny to say "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think I can go to the funeral because I have to have my hair done". D'oh. My hair person books WAY out. WAY out.

We were not in a happy space last night. This was the last kick in the ass that we were able to tolerate. I really wanted to go to the funeral, and Sonny certainly wanted me to come. And I did not want his family, who is just meeting me, to think of me as "the girl that didn't bother to show up for grandpa's funeral because she had to have her hair done". To clarify, this is not a wedding updo issue, this is an "I have inch-long black roots in my nearly white blonde hair and haven't had a haircut in 8-weeks" issue. I know, vanity...but when you're having 250 guests, press, and a photographer you are paying to memorialize it all, suddenly hair seems like something you want to look halfway decent. I'm no bridezilla, Sonny can confirm...but dammit, this was a bad combo of events.

I contacted my hairdresser and weirdly, she had openings for BOTH of us to go, the day before the wedding. We went to the funeral and truly, it was a nice day, a lovely funeral, and a terrific way to get to know his family, since we all convened afterward. I'm SO glad I went.

The great part about all of these disasters is that each time one has popped up, something better has popped up to replace it.

If I had less respect for the wheel of chance, I would re-name this blog "The Charmed Life of 18Channels".

So Friday night, we get to spend together, relaxing, doing nothing more than chatting and getting hair-cuts.

Letting a General Practitioner prescribe psych meds...

...is like letting an 4-year old-drive an 18-wheeler. Unfortunately many psychiatrists and psych NP's aren't much better, but at least when letting a 14 year-old drive they can at least reach the pedals. There's often still an element of experimentation but they can operate the basic machinery.

I cannot be strong enough in my opposition to GP's prescribing psych meds. GP's are not specialists. As such, they are more likely to rely on "guidelines" from the FDA to prescribe psych meds.

The FDA often says it's just dandy to give a 100 lb woman the same dosages of medications as a 200 lb man. Which in my experience is about as subtle as a stroke.

Additionally, GP's are not generally sitting around reading the latest psychiatry journals, and unfortunately for women with ADHD, whose participation as subjects in research studies is only very recent, that's very bad. We have not been studied, and are treated according to guidelines based on male subjects. Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that at the very least, female hormones make the experience of ADHD far different at times for men than for women, and that taking that into account may make treatment more effective. However, if even baseline prescribing is clumsy, such subtleties are unlikely to be taken into account.

So not only is allowing GP's to prescribe psych meds just plain crazy, it's also just plain sexist. And by sexist, indeed, I mean institutionally-sanctioned policy that favors one gender over another, passively or otherwise.

Yeah...I went there. And I'm not sorry, because frankly I'm sick and tired of watching people (of both genders) around me get fucked by inelegant prescribers, and watch useful medications get a bad reputation over it.

Medications, prescribed by a psychiatric professional who conscientiously tries to stay current on the subtleties of modern practice, and takes my opinion and knowledge into account, has been an adventure for sure (because of my own biological quirks) but has given me invaluable perspective on what drugs can and can't do, and the ability to make decisions about when and where to use them, to improve the quality of my life.

I will never allow a GP to prescribe psych meds to me without first referring me to a psych provider. Never.

10 mg of Methylphenidate...

...OMG, I just took 10mg of Methylphenidate! OMG! OMG! OMG!

I read on the internet that Methylphenidate...more commonly known as Ritalin to the "sky is falling" crowd...will murder or maim me somehow. Strangely, my limbs are still attached, there's no blood or guts, I haven't yet had heart failure...wait, have I? Hold on, I'll check...okay, still have a pulse, all good.

But here's some actual, reality-based observations from the inside:

Because I haven't filled my new prescription yet for an XR Methylphenidate, I took my old ones...and because I haven't taken any stimulants since the beginning of May because of the migraine issue I was trying to clear up (the stimulants were NOT causing the migraines but it was best not to tinker with my brain while unravelling that mystery) this is like starting back at zero.

These are the booster tablets that my NP had given me for the afternoons after the Concerta might wear off. Not taking Concerta anymore, wanting to try to generic...anyway, these little booster tabs are not extended release and you sure can feel the difference. You feel your brain "go" and then, I'm sure later, I will feel the drug just "stop" working.

I can report, beyond all reasonable doubt, that I cannot multi-task right now, at all. That's one of the things about stimulants that makes me giggle. My usual mode of operation is such that I am all about the multi-task, for better or worse...so being in a state that prevents that from happening at all is hilarious.

This all confirms what I already knew...that there are certain days when I am doing certain things where it may benefit me to not take my stimulants. There are other types of days, where I am engaging in activities that benefit from me being more focused on single tasks. Today, because I'm going to the office, I took the magic pills. This weekend, when I am running an event and need to be able to adjust my thinking on the fly to get the job done? I will not take them.

I actually do think that too many kids get "the drugs" and their meds probably aren't managed so subtlely. That's a problem, but that's one of the advantages of being a grownup, and one with a fair amount of insight. I'm learning to be able to manage my meds in a way that works best for me, based on how my life and my brain work. I am GLAD that I have stimulants as just one tool that I use for ADHD management.

One thing I notice that is interesting, is that I am not always the best judge of how well the medication is working. Most of the time I'm pretty perceptive about it, but sometimes, when I get really used to it working, I start to think it's NOT working, because everything seems so normal. Then I ask for a higher dosage...we try the higher dosage...and I go "OH SHIT, THIS IS TOO HIGH OF A DOSAGE" and then I don't want to take them, then I end up making an appointment with my prescriber, and then I'm not taking it while I'm waiting for my appointment, and everything gets all thrown off, and I start noticing that my life is getting messy again...lol...

Having put my finger on this cycle, I'm going to share it with my prescriber and I think it will help him, and me, make better collective decisions going forward about my dosing. Before changing dosages in the future, if I feel like the meds "aren't working", I'm going to take a poll of those close to me, to see what they think, or if they notice anything. It's a funny thing to have to admit that your own perceptions might not be perfect on something like this, but it's important to be able to see when you do and don't need an extra pair of eyeballs.

Alrighty then...I've had my "meth" fix for the day and I'm ready to roll :)

A small favor...

...I really just want people who don't have ADHD to stop having opinions about it. Stop talking about it, stop preaching about it, stop blathering on about it. I don't really give a crap about what you have to say about it, and honestly, I'll go out on a limb and declare that most people with ADHD probably don't care either.

I'm tempted to respond to your "opinions" every time I encounter them, in whatever format, but I'm kind of just tired of it. I would start a campaign to deny the existence of people with normal brains (since so many people with normal brains seem to hellbent on talkin' the smack about the rest of us) but...I actually need my energy to cope with the interference of ADHD in my life so, yeah, I've got better things to do.

It'll be easier for everyone if you just stop talking about it, stop presuming that you know everything about something you know nothing about...yeah...do us all a favor. Stop talking. Thanks.

Love,

18 Channels

PS: tomorrow I might have more respect for your opinions, since I'm generally into, you know, respecting other people's opinions, even when they're moronic, but right this second my ADHD has over-ridden my "giving a crap" gear, and I seem to be operating at full bore "pops into my head and comes right out on the keyboard" mode. Note to self, don't go post on Facebook right now...