Quantitative progress

Here's what they don't tell you when they say "try meds": it might take months or years to really adjust.

Not only adjust to the medication, but to NEW ways of feeling, new ways of being, and new ways of acting. And that's if you don't resist because it feels too different!

It has taken me...seems like about 2.5 years to find the right dosages, meds, behavior adjustments. This may not be typical, but for me, it is simply the way of things.

I now go to bed at between 10pm and 12am...which is soooo much better than between 1am and 3am.

I am way more laid back. I manage to find my motivation these days most of the time, when I need it.

I can have conversations usually without feeling like my heart is going to explode out of my chest.

I can make myself STOP TALKING more easily when I notice that it's probably time for that to happen.

I get intensely annoyed, irritated and pissy FAR less often.

My ambient general anxiety level is MUCH lower.

I am better at editing my thought processes, particularly in the area of starting new projects. Sometimes this makes me sad...sometimes I think I over edit these days...and so I'm seeking smaller ways to inject fun, without formulating additional world domination plans (to run concurrently to the plan already in progress). For example, I can make a Barbie dress for my stepdaughter in an hour and it's a fun, creative diversion that can leave me refreshed to do more boring shit afterward. Ah ha! Instead of, you know...writing a novel in an afternoon or something.

Now then, new challenges in life have brought me, well, new challenges to how I deal with certain life situations. But I think that's progress. I'm not stuck on the same old shit. I'm moving forward. Some of the new challenges are bigger than the old ones...but part of the reason for that is that being stuck on some little shit prevented me from encountering the bigger shit. Well fine...I'll take that.

And so the thought hit me...the other day...that I really do believe that my life is better than it was. That it's all been worth it. That deciding to be treated for anxiety and ADHD was a good idea.

It's a mildly bittersweet satisfaction...if only because the experiences along the way have really been very intense. But the net result is a good one.

I might need to set an alarm for this...

After taking medication that makes you focus like a laser beam, REMEMBER TO TAKE BREAKS so that you don't give yourself arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome.

I got a ton of work done today...but after clicking like a demon for like, 4 hours straight, the knuckles in my right hand are screaming in that way that abused joints do.

Fab.

Remembering to take breaks was already a problem for me...with stimulant medication, I still have that problem, I'm just working on two things at a time instead of 15. Which is probably actually worse for my joints, though it's terrific for my productivity!

Silly ADHD.

Calendaring Hell

It took me 33 years to finally figure out that an electronic calendar was what I needed to make my life make sense.

Then I met Sonny. He can't use an electronic calendar. Readers with ADHD, I know you know what I mean when I say that: it REALLY doesn't work for him for the same reason it once took me 6 months to turn in an electronic time sheet to get paid.

Of course we should just have our own calendars...but WAIT. We're married and have three children in the house that we have to plan around. So...we can't really have independent calendars if our life is to make any sense. It's gotten to the point where I can't even schedule a new appointment at my therapist's office while I'm there, because I have no fucking clue which dates are truly ones where he is home to be with the kids and I will be able to access a vehicle to get there. And if I leave the office without making the appointment, I won't make the appointment because that adds an extra step to the process and that extra step makes it impossible to complete because by the time I remember to do it, she'll be all booked up. Living successfully with ADHD is all about simplifying, eliminating steps, and being realistic (though NOT unnecessarily limiting yourself or making excuses...it's a delicate balance!).

So I am making a concession. I hope it doesn't make me insane. I bought a paper calendar. Paper calendars give me anxiety to a level that makes me almost cry. Last night I spent three hours putting all of our appointments and obligations into this calendar. And I will kill him if he doesn't remember to tell me when he puts new shit on his calendar. I will fucking kill him.

Yes, I realize this sounds like I'm setting us up for failure. It's also possible that my TERROR of him not telling me when he puts new things on his calendar will motivate me to ask him. Probably 30 times a day. Because if ADHD doesn't help you remember, OCD-mimicking certainly will (as it takes years off of your life span).

Random side tangent that I think is valuable to the non-ADHD reader and amusing to the ADHDers in the house: If you have been a regular long-time reader you may already know this...at my former office we had an Excel spreadsheet that we had to fill out as a time sheet. I use such things all the time at work, but this one was really, really overwhelming for me. It had individual little boxes to fill in. It had shit popping up in military time. It had what seemed like endless categories of types of time to fill in...and a mileage section. I guess this is all standard time sheet stuff. In that format, for me, it's crazymaking. I avoided it for 6 months before our payroll person finally went "DO YOU WANT TO GET PAID, EVER?". Yeah. And yet...for calendars, I like electronic calendars...where you have to type a bunch of crap into little boxes on a computer of smart phone. But the little reminders that pop up are LIFE SAVERS. Ah, the predictable unpredictability of ADHD.

And so, contrary to what I know is generally true of living with my ADHD, I now have the paper calendar. I now have to remember to LOOK in it, and write things in it...AND I have to remember to remind my sweet Sonny Rollins that he needs to give me updates. I have become the reminder. I know that "being the reminder" often drives wedges between ADHD and non-ADHD partners. This might be survivable for us, because I REALLY understand that he's not just trying to drive me insane by being challenged in the calendaring department. My anxiety really comes from worrying about my own ability to manage.

We'll see how this goes. It's the first step, hopefully, to my getting my creative life back. I haven't been able to schedule me-making-stuff-time because I have no idea what's happening on our calendar. I need that time to keep me sane, to make my life literally worth living. I turned down law school to preserve this ancient piece of myself, the piece that stated, in kindergarten-ish "I want to be an artist.". I took a vow of poverty in committing to my life, and committing to my musician-teacher husband (it's a mutual vow of poverty, taken with a smile on our faces). It's only worth it if I get to do the things that make me happy.

Construction Noise

Since I began working at this job, back in January, a new building has been in progress right outside my window.

LUCKY ME.

Every week brings evolution in the form of new species' of grinding, banging, bonging, clanking and BEEPBEEP-ing noises. I gotta tell ya: IT'S GREAT!

I also gotta tell ya: I'm being TOTALLY SARCASTIC. I'm sure if you have any familiarity with how life works that you won't be surprised to know that I'm the only person in the building whose desk is literally right in front of the window.

It's hell for a person with sensitivities to LOUD NOISE. I acquired a pair of ear plugs. I also listen to music with headphones but the sounds are still audible over the grinding, clanging, etc. This week's loud grinding is really something. I've got the Pixies and their more aesthetically pleasing grinding noises cranked as loud as they can go without damaging my hearing but I still hear grinding construction noises. Maybe if we could hook the cement mixer up to a distortion pedal it would sound better...

There's not really another place for me to work in the building. The ribbon-cutting is in November. Come on November. Because I can't stand this shit much longer.

A bird's nest of notes to self-

-perches on the desk before me. I'm supposed to be going through it to consolidate my notes and get rid of the ones that reference tasks I've already completed, but instead I'm sitting here bloggin', while trying to find a magic way to get myself to give a crap.

Incidentally I'm out of Concerta and "meth" this morning so I didn't take any, but isn't that the lazy man's way out, blaming the lack of meds?

Yes, yes it is. There are tasks and actions that I file under "not enough Ritalin on the planet earth to get me to give a shit about this" and this goes on the list. I'll use blogging as a coping tool though, vent my dissatisfaction and then threaten myself with the importance of job security to get myself back on task. Anxiety is unhealthy, but MAN is it useful.

It's hard not to laugh when I think about how many times in my life I have had to resort to mental self-torture to get things done. I can recall sitting in my room in junior high school, watching Gilligan's Island on my little black and white tv doing anything but my homework...trying to convince myself that I would do it in 5 minutes...for hours. In junior high, when I was still early in my self-steering journey, mismanagement of my time got me kicked out of a gifted students program. It hasn't gotten me fired from a job yet but there's still time I suppose.

This is a pretty special pile of crap on my desk here, taller and denser than usual, I don't normally let it get to this point at work because I can't function in clutter. I usually am able to organize things and categorize things, but many of my tasks at this particular job are...only tangentially related to one another...and I haven't found a good way to keep my work flow streamlined yet. So I'm sorting through a pile of scraps of paper. On the one hand at least I write stuff down. On the other hand...I look forward to creating a steering mechanism that works more effectively for THIS work.

Blargh.

When ADHD meets arrogant douchebags...

I possess zero tolerance for arrogant/stupid/self-centered/narcissistic people these days.

Many of my friends are mid-menopause and one of them humorously refers to this as a case of "don't give a shit". I am not mid-menopause, yet I also do not seem able to swallow a shit sandwich.

I'll illustrate...well...I mean I can't really write about some of the douchebags in question...hmmmm. Okay...let's pick one that I'm not sentimental about. And I'll generalize a little. But I think you'll see what I mean.

Let's talk about "I'm the only one that's allowed to ask questions here" guy. AKA "I'm insecure and can't handle women pointing out potential shortcomings in my perfect logic guy". AKA "I scream at people in meetings and talk to other adults like they are children" guy.

My reaction to said "winner" was to slam both hands down on the table and yell back "REALLY?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! REALLY?!". I then dismissed myself and as I was doing so, told him that his address of me was a COMPLETELY INSANE way to address fellow volunteers. I have since politely stepped down from that project. I was not asked to, and the committee chair's response was "well, he was pretty out of line". But when I am no longer able to engage in "the work" in a productive manner, I don't think I'd be doing anyone favors to insist upon my further presence. When you commit to working with a group you have to accept a certain amount of quirk. In this case, I am very aware that I am not willing to "work with" an asshole that is wasting my time.

Now then, while I am an "ADHD American" I generally have pretty good skills of diplomacy. If anything, my ability to think quickly on my feet in certain kinds of situations has allowed me to skewer and deflate douchebags with verbal wit on many an occasion. I can't say I've never told a motherf***er where to shove it. It's just that recently, I seem to get to that point more quickly - but only in certain situations. You see my point of wondering: it doesn't MATTER really, but I do wonder sometimes where that line between ADHD and personality lies.

I have a theory: I used to feel obligated to endure a certain amount of crap. I am so used to questioning my own reactivity that for a long time, I didn't trust it. While I can't go around telling people where to shove it all the time, perhaps I've gotten to a point where I am trusting what my gut is telling me now.

I think that's healthy. I think that's a good thing. And I think it's actually going to help me pare down my obligations as I more honestly assess how I want to be spending my time.

That, my friends, is a gift in a crap package. And who gives a flying monkey about the package, you just tear that off and throw it away anyway....

A drowning nomad...

Utterly lacking in inspiration of any kind, I reach for a beer and here I sit, writing. I'm not a big drinker, but the other day, to do some writing, I had to have a glass of wine first. I have never had to seek inspiration. It has always found me. Exuberant inspiration has always been my close companion. It's a little lonely without it. I'm not depressed really, I'm just not happy. There are things and people in my life that I love, but something is missing.

I know that if I continue to have to drink to access the free-flow of the universe that it won't be a good thing, so I will make sure not to latch onto that crutch.

I also know that I am not alone in this experience. As winter has thawed in Northern New England and humans reconnect everyone talks about how hard the winter was this year, and how life just doesn't feel quite right. I feel like I need a connection to something larger that the geographic place I happen to be living, but I don't know what it is yet.

This much I know...the other night I dreamt that I was begging someone to take me away from New Hampshire. Begging as if begging for my life to be spared. Begging through a web of grief. I pleaded with them that I had to leave, because I was so sad here. But I don't think sad is the right word.

I lived 35 years as a nomad and now my limbs are bound to more permanent tent stakes.

The first time I moved, I was almost 4 years old. We left New Hampshire and traveled on an airplane, the first of many bicoastal yearly trips that we would make. I wore a red dress that my Grammy bought for me. We left our family behind. Our sprawling, intricate network of family, branches that stretched across the years and geography of the Northeast. We tore up our roots and we left. One uncle lived near Seattle and we were going to his house. I thought that the plane would land in his yard; the airport surprised me.

We had one layover, during which my mother had to take our cat, in her carrier, into the bathroom to clean her up because she had pooped on herself. My father had our tickets and accidentally got back on the plane without us. We almost could not get back on the plane. You cannot live a day with ADHD and not experience it in a palpable way.

For years after this, I dreamed that I drowned in my red dress. That I fell into a deep lake, surrounded by cartoon seaweed. I gently landed at the bottom of the lake and could see above me a circle of people watching me die. Sometimes the lights of an ambulance would appear, wavy through the water above. No panic, no sound, just placid recognition of my separation from the world of the living.

After moving out of my uncle's house - we didn't stay there long - we lived in one house for a few years, and then we moved into an apartment in the same city, I think so my parents could save up for a house. After about 5 years in that city, we moved to another, when my parents finally purchase that house. And we were there for 7 years-ish until I left for college. Where I lived for 4 years and then left...and then went to California for 6 years and then left...and now I have been here in New Hampshire for 6 years.

And here I am.

What is home? My sister says that home is where the heart is - she's quite literal in her interpretation, she means your heart that is beating in your body and any ethereal qualities and feelings it may contain. That scroll is tattoed right on her body; a reminder. Or an insistence that belies uncertainty...?

My new household is much different from the one I grew up in. And though parts of New Hampshire are imprinted on my soul like that scroll on my sister's leg, it does not feel like home. What IS home? WHERE is home?

To frame this as ADHD is to trivialize the purgatory of my tethered heartstrings. To frame it as the product of my parents' likely ADHD is irrelevant. I am here now and we will not move for at least 15 years because our children are still in school and their mother lives here too. Even if we buy a house (sometime in 2065 at the rate we're going) it's going to be right near here somewhere.

Every frontier has an end, a horizon where you see the dots of civilization and remember what it feels like. I have spent my life reassured by its existence but avoiding capture. And I've found new frontiers through stepmotherhood. But this is no consolation for a loss of freedom of movement.

I don't know how to get home. Maybe I've never known. My life has forced me to a definition. And I'm resisting, oh I'm resisting.