A Challenge...

...it's a fact of life that we can't make every moment of our lives ADHD-friendly.

Today I am living that fact.

I have discovered that regular exercise is a helpful ingredient to my sanity. I'd gotten into a pretty cool routine of walking first thing in the morning with the dogs, then walking again at lunch and then maybe again in the evening.

And sometimes, during the day, a random quick jaunt around the neighborhood really clears my head. Or a zippy bike ride...I think REALLY well on my bike!

Today, it's about 10-below zero out, and with wind chill, it feels like 20-below. Going outside to get some fresh air, for more than 5 minutes, is just not an option (I don't thaw well).

I always take the stairs when I'm at work, but I'll probably take some gratuitous trips up and down just for the heck of it.

If you need me, I'll most likely be found jogging up and down the stairs of this Victorian mansion, adding my footprints to the history of the house....

...the stomach has a limited capacity...or it should...

I was at a loooong meeting at work today. It's important to clarify that I was really enjoying the meeting...but, if you've read this blog long enough, I'm sure you know what's coming next: I always have a hard time sitting still for a long time, and this very productive, valuable and really inspiring meeting was 5 hours long.

At a certain point I had to start finding strategies for either keeping still/paying attention while in my seat, or simply giving myself acceptable reasons to get up and move around.

I do this thing sometimes, where I just rotate my ankle. You can do it under the table, it's not noisy, and I enjoy feeling my brain shift from white noise to comprehension of the conversation at hand, as I begin to circle my foot. It's literally like flipping a switch and suddenly I'm enjoying the conversation because I can HEAR it! And follow it!

Opening and closing my pen cap was another good one (it's a quiet cap).

My other strategy may have been less, um...grown up, but it helped: I kept getting up to go grab a cookie off of the plate of cookies on the other side of the room. I was able to move in a direction that wasn't disruptive to the conversation...I ate about...5 of them? (Large ones...) And 3 brownies. This strategy might not be the best for everyone but I still have weight to gain back after my Christmas-era explosion of illness. I knew I'd gone beyond the realm of normal cookie consumption however when the Executive Assistant happened to be at the table with me and said, with a genuine smile "you CANNOT eat more of those cookies". I took one more. And I know how I roll, I know that when my brain is in that mode, I'm going to hear more and be a more productive participant if I can get up and move around.

And MMMMMMM cookies! (I have no shame...)

Enjoying this blog...

...check it out! Another perspective on the search for answers with a unique brain...

Wine, Cigarettes and Stilettos

I suck at Ping Pong

This morning, I rolled into work with a "Ritalin, I don't need no stinkin' Ritalin" attitude.

And I didn't.

Until there were two people having a conversation on either side of my desk and I couldn't follow it at all.

I took the Ritalin.

How far is too far...

...I've become my step-daughter's designated homework helper, at her request. And so, after her brothers are in bed, we camp out at her desk and do what must be done.

Generally, she needs the most help with her math assignments, and of course, third grade was the first of many years of math nightmares for me. I'm a better tutor than I thought I would be though...

One evening last week she tells me "I figured something out. If I do something with my hands while I'm working, it's easier for me to think.". I told her this was great, that I often have to do the same thing, and that she could pick something to "do" with her hands while we worked on homework. She chose the squishing of Squinkies. If you don't know what a Squinkie is, all you need to know is that they are tiny and rubbery and satisfying to pull and squish with your fingers.

It seemed that her theory was, indeed, correct, HOWEVER...she is 8 and she is discovering this for the first time...so drawing the line between productive fidgeting and just plain messing around was not yet clear.

I tried being instructive with my reminders, letting her know that "you have to remember, when you pick a thing to do with your hands, and other people are around, you have to pick something that will not bother other people". Or "you need to pick something to do, it needs to be something that is not distracting to you". And of course "you really need to pick ONE thing to do, NOT FIVE", after she began SPINNING in her chair.

Finally it came down to "doing something to help you think better, and just plain messing around are NOT the same thing".

Line drawn. Homework was completed...eventually...

I've taken a radical position: being myself

I'm gently settled into my new job, like a fresh snowflake. A lacy newcomer, perched on the efforts of the snowflakes who have come before me. About to be squished into the history of this place, by a blizzard of new demands.

But all winter metaphors aside, this is a very ADHD friendly workplace, at least for MY version of ADHD.

I had another potential job before this, that I decided not to continue the interview process on...after seeing that I would be working in a room with 10 other people, all talking on the phone, all day long, all facing each other, with no escape, and with fluorescent overhead lighting splashed over the whole shebang like too much oily salad dressing. I was very interested in the job, so I panicked a little when I saw that the workplace was extremely inappropriate to my work-needs quirks. I told myself that this was a chance for me to try something new: picking an environment to fit ME, rather than shaping myself to the environment. It's good to be flexible, but I ALWAYS put myself in that position, which means that I often put myself in situations where I may be able to improve the situation for others, but I am often stressing myself out, trying to fit in boxes I shouldn't be forcing myself to squish into, no matter how superior my contortionist skills.

For many years I have been a human pretzel, worrying that if I don't fill this role, I will never have a job, or never be needed, or...that I'll simply get bored because I won't be working so hard to "be" something I shouldn't have to be.

This time I drew a line around myself and vowed to honor that boundary.

Our office: shared office, but we all have our own workspace. Everybody likes having the overhead lights off for a significant portion of the day. And...nobody minds if I have headphones on at times when I need to focus. So I have the stimulation of a few people around, but the option to engage...and no blaring fluoresecents throughout the day. This is PERFECT for me.

I have the freedom to work independently but I have to work within the boundaries of an 8:30 to 5:30 work day. This little nod to structure is actually helpful.

I was hired for my creativity.

I have a boss who is available for questions and who is interested in my ideas.

We work in a big, beautiful victorian mansion that is aesthetically pleasing to exist within.

We adapt to the formality of the situation at hand...when we need to be "business" we are business, when we need to dress to move furniture, we dress to move furniture.

My primary business is: engaging people in what we do. I'm good at that. Really good at that.

I feel like I fit here just the way I am.

After the first dose of medication...

...comes this weird transition time, where you think it's not working anymore. Here's my experience with that feeling.

1) I started taking medication.

2) It opened my eyes to what "focus" really means, and I felt like things would be perfect like that forever!

3) Then I noticed something. The meds didn't actually make life perfect. And as I got used to them, I thought they weren't working...or something.

4) Then I panicked. I kept going to my prescriber going "I think I need a higher dosage! It's not working! It's not working!". Finally had my dose so high that I felt REALLY not awesome, way too amped up, and way too rigid.

5) So I tried another medication. And again, the first time I took it, life was beautiful. Then I panicked as I got used to it and thought it wasn't working.

6) Then I just didn't take them for a while...and noticed something. Noticed that the meds WERE doing something, they were just doing something more subtle than I was initially able to appreciate. (Then I had to be patient while some eccentric factors in my life that made it hard for me to commit to medication, moved on...but that's another issue.)

7) When my brain is naked, it has hyperfocused highs, and practically comatose lows. With the meds...the highs are lower and the lows are higher...and I'm overall less anxious while trying to get things done.

8) Oh.

9) So I take it now...and I like it. And I DO see how it helps. Of COURSE the meds aren't as pronounced now--now that I'm used to the feeling, it's not NEW ANYMORE.

10) And now that I've been taking them for a while...I see the benefit...AND I see how I've been better able to pick and choose and try different choices, and even keep some of the methods I was already using to make my life more functional. (Before, it wasn't conscious, it was just "coping"...now, it's "making choices".)

Some of the coping skills I've kept:

• Creating visual cues.
• Keeping my work desk REALLY clean.
• Double checking my work notes to make sure I don't forget things or lose important info as I work.
• Make to-do lists. The only difference is that now I make sure to put all lists in one place, and sometimes will take a few minutes to combine them.

Some of the coping skills I've learned to fill in the gaps:

• Asking people to repeat themselves when I haven't heard what they've said. I used to pretend I wasn't lost and them do reserach later to fill in the gaps. I feel silly sometimes asking people to repeat themselves, but I'm learning to do it in more subtle ways. At first I would say things like "I don't think I actually heard the last 45 seconds of what you just said because I was thinking about something else". Oops. Not subtle. Now it's more like "now wait, what was that about the x-y-z widget?".
• Communicating more clearly with the people who live with me about why I do things the way I do. Helps my husband understand, which makes us sharing space a better experience...and I ask him about things instead of assuming that I know why he's left the milk carton in the middle of the counter (visual cue! duh!). And communicating these things to my step-daughter teaches a little girl with ADHD, how you can be organized and productive with ADHD. Kaboom!

And overall...I feel less moody, probably for two reasons. On the one hand, I have more of the chemicals my brain wants, in order to stay more even. On the other hand, I've gained more expertise in using my coping skills to navigate my life.

Pills really don't teach skills, but they DO make it easier to make better choices about learning new skills. I bet that a lot of people stop taking the meds after that first awesome introduction to the world of focus...I also bet there's a study out there on that somewhere...hmmm....

All of this makes me understand why the potential for improvement for people who are diagnosed and properly treated is actually quite good/skewed toword improvement...and why some really, after a while, may not need medication anymore. Personally, I like the help that the meds give me during the work day especially but hey, I'm not everyone...