The RE-SET Button

There's a little thing I like to do in my life from time to time called pressing the re-set button. And in my world view there are certain things that need to get re-set regularly.

When I leave my desk at work I hit the re-set button, meaning I organize my work for the next day so I can come in and it's not a mess.

About once a week I go through my bigbig bag to tidy and empty it so I don't start to drown under my own daily accumulations.

Every morning I straighten the blankies on the bed so that it gives the illusion of my room being a little tidier AND so that it feels goooood to climb back in bed at night.

If I don't do things like this my ADHD world start to get very uninhabitable.

Today I am noticing that I may have skipped last week's bag cleaning.

Tonight, I am hitting that re-set button....

Everyday ADHD good times

Let's talk about the trash can in my kitchen and how I haven't been able to find it for a few weeks now. My new roomie, Miss A as we like to call her, moved in at the beginning of the month and so I rearranged some things in order to make things just lovelier in general. One of the things I did, not just for loveliness, but because the growing puppy did not need to be getting any big ideas of digging in the trash can, was to move the garbage and recycling cans into the bottomest shelf of the big cupboard in the kitchen.

I've been looking for it ever since. Blast. Seriously, everytime I need to put something in the garbage can, I start wandering around, and usually end up even going out the porch door looking for it before I get very annoyed and them suddenly remember that it's in that cupboard. It's only been weeks now, let's see if we can't make it months of confusion! (And I don't doubt that my brain can! In fact, I bet we'll be playing this game until I move out of this apartment.)

PS I have been MIA

Because we're waiting to get the interwebs hooked back up at home.

Tomorrow is the glorious day we've all been waiting for...and here you thought my medication had performed miracles, diminishing my need to constantly think aloud or on paper. Well it actually HAS...yay!

But that's not why I haven't been posting :)

The teenage years...

...holy crap, my dog has reached his teenage years...or something. He is a total ball of quick wit, sharp intelligence, and pure, unadulterated ANNOYING.

You can see the gears turning in his head...and you can see that when he is using your leg as a trampoline...for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT, totally unstoppable, that he is doing it with intent, and with great JOY. His joy only grows when you finally roll over from your attempt at couch napping and yell for him to please just stop.

Good lord in heaven...every limit that can be pushed is being pushed. All at once. And he just discovered BARKING this week...GAH.

Right now, for the first time in DAYS he is taking a nap.

Oh how long can this heaven last?

Now that's a nasty little piece of baggage to carry around...

...but I would bet that a lot of us ADHDers carry it around. That suitcase marked "they're not going to like/love me anymore when they experience the real me".

This is how I know that I really like the gentleman formerly known as ADHD boy who I'm going to have to find a new name for because the old one is ridiculous. For several days I have had this totally unnecessary but very real thought popping up in my head...in those sleepy moments especially, where your brain is running a bit loose and carefree and speaking honestly...it's a pang of fear, a flash of my less lovely ADHD moments...it's a vision of me having a classic rant/monologue about something probably ridiculous, or a weird, sharp reaction to some sensory overstimulation that simply wouldn't bother most people and seeing that look on his face.

That look. If you have ADHD and you're reading this, I'm betting that you might know which look I'm talking about...and it's kind of awful. That look when someone reacts to the fact that your behavior has just barely slipped out of the normal range and suddenly they're realizing something they didn't realize before. Suddenly they're seeing you, and honestly, they're not sure what they think of it...or it's even possible that they are sure what they think of it, and they actually think you're weird. Or disgusting. Or nuts. In any case you're just far enough outside of normal-land that you must be destroyed or rejected.

Because that's what people do with the things they don't understand. They push them away.

I wish I didn't have these feelings, but I recognize that the only way past them is through them. And it hurts, it really does. It makes me sad.

It's not just about ADHD either...smart little girls get that reaction a lot too. People who think out of the box get it as well. Young women who speak with articulation rather than giggles are also on this list (and I'm ashamed to say that at some point I acquired a giggle that I can't seem to get rid of, because I got tired of fielding that kind of sexism...every time I catch myself giggling I wish I hadn't, but it's hard to undo that kind of internalized apology).

Things that are different are often not widely loved. Or they learn to adopt a facade that is more palatable, and may in fact be more widely loved...however you then run the risk, that when the facade is removed, you will be pushed away.

As honest and "me" as I have been with this wonderful person that I believe truly does love me, and who I think really DOES see me for me...I still fear that moment. And isn't that a funny change...I have gone from waiting for the other shoe, to BEING the other shoe.

What exact horror do I think he is going to see and run from? Oh you know...just the usual...although if I had to vote I would say that vehement ranting about topics that nobody else gives a shit about might be a likely possibility. If I was less self-aware I could really have some serious ADHD fun with this and actually act out obnoxious behaviors to provoke fights, just to see how he reacts...YES! AWESOME IDEA! (Kidding...not an awesome idea!).

I do recognize it as an interesting sign...I often feel that I have two selves and lately, I have been feeling my two selves in agreement. Usually there is this sort of cloaked character inside of me somewhere, not apologizing for her existence, dressed in black because she likes it, firmly perched and quietly watching what the other, more accommodating and flexible sister is up to. The flexible sister is the one that giggles...the dark one is the one that cries when she does.

But they've been spending more time together these two...and they both like ADHD boy. And they are willing to be seen in the same place with him. And he inspires the dark one's trust.

Which would be exactly why she's causing such a ruckus. Why she's saying things right now like "oh shit...I'm totally going for it because it's what I want, but I'm not going to pretend I'm not afraid anymore, and who knows what comes from that".

I'm not going to pretend I'm not afraid anymore.

And I have no idea what comes after that.

Circles, the good kinds...

...the other night I kept dreaming of silversmithing. It's not a craft I practice, but it's one I admire, and I did take a workshop once to learn the basics. One of the basics that you learn is how to make circles from silver wire...how to solder the shut to create a whole, from a line.

In my waking life, I would have to put in a lot of practice to get good at this, because wow...I did not take to it quickly and I could not close the circles.

In my dream it was a little different. I was able to close the circles and felt so proud of that. The circles themselves were not perfect, they were a little misshapen, but they were closed: success! I would finish and inspect each one, delighted with my progress, and thinking about how I was going to be able to learn to make them more beautiful, and more useful.

Even amid a storm of other people's insanity, my subconscious at least can take the time to remind me that my imperfect journey is beautiful, and it is real, and it is worthwhile...and worth continuing. That I am in receipt of challenges that I am ready for.

Hello, Hungarian Embassy Please?

I had to call my therapist for an emergency visit today. If my last couple of posts hadn't indicated that I have been having "quite a time" then let THIS serve as confirmation.

There's a lot of balls of wax that have formed to create the present I'm sitting in right this second, but I'll stick to a couple of key incidents from last week that combined to exacerbate my anxiety to the point that I have taken more Ativan in three days than in my entire life previously (for the record, that's 4 tiny ones...but for me, that's a lot). I really and truly could not function without taking the edge off of my anxiety and honestly, other than a few panic attacks in the past, that is extraordinary for me. I can usually continue trudging forward through all kinds of shelling and mortar attacks.

But when the attacks hit closer to your heart...closer to your privacy...closer to the things you hold dearest (like your privacy...yes, I blog, but I value privacy!)...when the snipers hit the mark, it's intended to be lethal, and popping back up with a smile on your face is a damn challenge.

I've been productive for sure...but emotionally, I am utterly wasted.

Sparing the details, since they're not terribly pretty...there were a couple if things that happened last week, the culmination of a couple of different issues, that really and truly hit me in the guts.

First, I hear from my boss that someone very close to me informed one of my boss's CHILDREN that I have a mental health problem and they should be very concerned about me. You know...because me, I'm INSANE! (pause) I assure you, I am not having outlandish mental health issues that don't live here in this blog. I do have some rude passengers along on my journey. It's been a problem...now it's REALLY a problem. I don't know what to do about it. At least my boss is all good.

Second, a certain person who shouldn't be prying into my life in such a way decided to have me "investigated". Investigated.* I'm not joking. For what purpose? Who knows! I live a pretty transparent life, anything they needed to know is on Google...which is precisely why they were pissed, because there wasn't any dirt. They were angry because they found out who I am and sure enough, I'm a helpful, proactive and well-known member of my community. But again, MY BOSS was called by this investigator who wanted to ask him questions about me, which makes it MY crap. He hung up on them. (To be clear, I am not involved in any illegal activities, elicit love affairs, or other things that could prompt such scrutiny. I'm sorry to be so mysterious but...hey, I respect other people's privacy even if they don't respect mine!)

Good thing my boss knows all about me, and we have a great relationship, otherwise, this could have caused me some serious problems.

I feel violated...I don't know why the world seems chock full right now, of people who think they have a right to use ME and MY PERSONAL INFORMATION as some kind of pawn for their weird little ego games.

As for the people close to me who for some reason think it's cool to up the ante in the dysfunction pool because I won't play their game...it feels like someone dear has died, and my heart is broken.

As for my privacy being violated? I am disappointed to even know that people act that way.

But I am also upset that in both of these instances, MY privacy and personhood are being violated and disrespected by people with really, REALLY bad boundary issues. And I have some important people in my life that I now cannot trust and likely will never trust again.

I am mourning this like a death. Hence, my anxiety level is just heartbreaking.

I am also angry...angry that these people are behaving in ways that endanger MY mental health progress. I can't even tell if my meds are working if my overall stress in life is so crazy that I need Ativan boosters. Specifically relating to the persons "close" to me who are misbehaving, they have been subjecting me to a steady, disrespectful diet of disapproval over my mental health decisions for months now. Why? Because the dysfunction doesn't work for me anymore, so I am making new decisions AND respecting their right to remain as they are...but that's not enough for them. How much higher do that stakes go? They don't. It stops here. If I have to protect myself with silence, I will.

So I called my therapist to see if she had an opening. She called me back. I answer the phone and I hear "Hungarian Embassy, we heard that you were in need of assistance?".

Yes, oh yes I am.

*edited from a prior version because my ADHD fingers probably typed a little more than they shoudl have. It's all good, but a re-read made me go "hmmm...yep...too much info, lol".