Welcome to the filter-free zone...

This is going to sound funny coming from me but...there are some things that I don't like to talk about. Oh I'm going to talk about them, I'm just not going to like it.

I am often ashamed of my impatience and irritability. I work very hard to hide them around people but they're there. I am thinking about this because...I am the only person living at my house now. There is nobody commenting on me, nobody "giving vibes" about who I am, how I do things, what I do. It's a relief, but being alone doesn't get rid of that shameful feeling, that dislike of those parts of myself. I still don't like them...being alone sometimes makes them more obvious. If you're alone and irritable, there's nobody to attribute the dysfunction to, right? Except yourself.

I'm resigned to owning it, I have no problem with that.

Here's another douchey aspect of myself to own though and it pains me: bluntness. Oh I don't mean upfront-ness...which has nothing but benefits. I mean delivering information that other people might find hurtful, or at least a bit tenderness inducing with such unadorned straightforwardness that people just think you're a total douchebag.

It often takes me a long time to make up my mind, but once I do, I'm done. I'm all set. I'm not negotiating. All. Done. So to illustrate just exactly why I am a turd: just broke up with the boyfriend. This had been about two years in the making. So for two years certain aspects of our relationship had been eating at me...I hadn't been thinking "we gotta break up" for that long, just that certain things were really grinding on me in a draining way. So here I am two years later and the straw breaks the camel's back, and boom, my mind is made up, we break up.

It took three weeks or so for him to find a new place and get moved out. which was HELL for me, because it takes so much energy to maintain "boundaries" with someone after a breakup and when you're in the same house...it was gnawing on my soul. This past weekend was the "big" move day. I had already requested that this not be a dramatic good bye day, and made it clear that I was not going to participate in anything of the sort. So he packed and his friend helped him move the last of his stuff. I slept in, having gotten very little sleep the entire week previous. As he was leaving I was emerging from my room, looking enormously stylish in my mismatched pajamas, day old makeup, and hair askew. His friend commented on my stylishness and I remarked "now you see why he's moving out". I guess I thought that was funny. They both kind of just glared at me...because of course I'm the one that asked HIM to move out...so I guess that was kind of a dick thing to say, and I'm not lying when I say that I had no idea how jackassy that comment would be until they were both staring at me.

I don't deal well with the things life throws my way when I've been pushed past my limit...and I was three weeks past my limit.

Another douchey moment? Earlier today on Facebook, a friend in common had posted that he was in hell because his wife and daughters had already put up and decorated the Christmas tree. I remarked "Bill, I've got a spare room you can rent.". Um...nobody HAD to tell me that was a dumbass thing to say on a mutual friends page...but someone SHOULD have, because I'm a moron and didn't figure it out for several hours when I went back and on a second read I went "oh Christ, I wasn't even trying to be a big asshat and there I am, being a big asshat and rubbing the empty room in his face". I deleted it. Yes, he would have noticed it.

I swear to God I don't say things like that to be manipulative, or even just to be a jerk, I really and truly just lose my filter when I'm past my limit. Once it snaps, it just snaps. Me, past my limit, has never been a pretty thing. To my credit, in our relationship, I actually feel that I exercised a lot of patience with some things that were really, really not good for me, which was a LOT of work, which is why we can't have a relationship anymore, I just can't sustain that level of "tolerating" for years on end. Doesn't mean it's cool to have no filter.

Maybe I should embrace this with pride? Is there a gift that I'm missing here somewhere? Haha...nope, not this time ;) With the considerable amount of ways that I'm able to sort of spin ADHD to my benefit in life I should really, really own the ones that just plain suck as being just as sucktastic as they truly are.

Dogs and cats don't comment on your habits

And that's why I'm enjoying spending my day with them. How peaceful. Animals have always made more sense to me than people. We're just chillin' and reading and doing homework (and begging for snacks...yes, all of us, I'm starving).

I'm just not that big a disaster. Do I always do everything on other people's schedules? NO. My home is sometimes cluttery but is it a disaster, or is it filthy? Nope. It's tidy and quiet and peaceful here. The animals are happy and so am I. Everyone's warm and cozy. The new pup is fitting right in. And I'm diving into the core of the remainders of my homework with efficiency.

Do I miss the boyfriend? Yes, sometimes I do. Do I miss that weight of his undeserved disapproval pressing down on my heart? Nope, not so much.

I wish that I'd learned more positive lessons from relationships thus far in my life, but to be honest, I haven't. I have learned that most of the time they drain my energy and get in my way.

The dog and cats don't. Well then, they can stay ;)

TV makes you ADHD

If TV and modern lightning-speed editing make people ADHD, then what the hell am I?

I understand that when people say things like that, there may be some truth to the assertion that modern kids, and modern audiences are getting less practice at disciplining their attention spans. I ABSOLUTELY see that there could be truth to that. I absolutely see that it is easy to overdiagnose ADHD. Absolutely. But we were a family that for a while didn't even have a television. We also NEVER went to movies (probably because neither of my parents can sit through them, haha). Both of my parents grew up in rural areas where kids self-entertained for hours, and as much as possible that is what our life was like when I was little, just in a more urban place.

When I was little, I would READ for HOURRRSSS. I would play and invent games, and even play alone...I would ride my bike, and color and draw, and play with dolls. I loved swimming. I loved listening to music in my room and dancing. And I loved, loved, loved, activities that involved crazy amounts of detail and precision and focus. Hyperfocus...if you will. In fact, I was the Queen of Hyperfocus. I would get so absorbed in reading or play or whatever, for so long and with such intensity that I did not want to stop to eat, or go to the bathroom, to the point where I would only notice because I felt sick. Sometimes the only thing I would stop for was following my mother around for hours and hours and hours, snapping my fingers incessantly and talkingtalkingtalking until she couldn't stand it anymore.

We did not rely on "quick" entertainment. We all had our own hobbies and activities, and there was actually a LOT of quiet in our house, especially on the weekends. I was given tons of time to form my own thoughts, and opinions in my head and through my activities. And I always had plenty of things to keep me entertained at home. I read novels, while my peers were watching cartoons.

The second I left the house it was another story. Kids talked about video games and tv shows and movies that even now I can't believe that anyone would let a child watch. They talked about being "bored", a concept I had no real grasp of. They honestly, a lot of the time, talked about things that didn't interest me even though it seemed to me that they should, and this created a lot of confusion. My friends would ask what I did on the weekend and I would say "my parents made soup and then I rode my bike and we all read the newspaper".

School was dull and confusing. I felt like I was being pulled in a bunch of directions all day, few of which interested me, and would spend the day in fear of "getting in trouble" because I knew I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do, but didn't know how to "do" whatever it was I was supposed to do. If things did interest me, they were over too quickly, and the movement from one activity to another all day was weird. But isn't that the definition of ADHD? Inability to regulate attention? When you can't regulate your attention well, and the scenery constantly shifts...this cannot be a good combo. The overhead lights bothered me all day and the kids didn't make sense, even though I thought they were funny and terrifying. Teachers were always confused about why I seemed to understand things, but couldn't keep up on the in class assignments at all (as reflected in my report cards). I rarely got in trouble because I wasn't disruptive, but even as a child I didn't quite understand why I would have so much trouble doing the assignments, but they would send me to the next grade anyway. It made me feel like I was getting away with something, and that I was faking something.

At home I would wrap my teeth as they fell out in little tissues and keep them in a little box, but at school I truly couldn't figure out how to keep my desk organized, and it was really embarrassing. As I got older it was messy notebooks, messy lockers, messy bedrooms. At home I would make lists and lists and lists of names and places and things that I obsessed over and labeled and organized and categorized, but at school, I was the girl with the fruit flies hatching in her desk.

All this time, I lived a life that had little to do with TV, or movies, or quick fix entertainment.

So...just sayin'.

1000 widget focus, meet 1000 widget fortress...

Treating my ADHD has given me appreciation for cool things like CLOSED DOORS, not answering emails unless I have the time, and ignoring phone calls when I'm trying to get things done. It has also given me the ability to say NO. Unfortunately right now that puts me in conflict with pretty much everything and everyone in my life. And I can't tell you how...how...yeah, you know honestly, it's totally fucking crazymaking. I now that this is all normal "transition", but I'm fucking sick of it and it's fucking pissing me off.

There, I said it. And I just want shit to quit pulling me in 15 directions. And I will do whatever I have to do, to make that happen, even if it means ignoring situations that just plain "can't hear" my "no".

I could go on and on about all the awesome, proactive things I'm going to have to do to make this situation suck less...but I actually have too much shit to do right now! Closing office door. Sent boss for lunch.

Ignoring phone. Praying for four more hours in day.

Amen.

Do ruminants ruminate?

When a normally anxious person gets a whole new life, thanks to medication, that is free of anxiety, this opens up whole new adventures in the brain, and whole new relationships to emotions.

This week...my mind used to latch onto all kinds of ridiculous things that I really didn't care that much about, just to keep moving. Or rather, just to keep busy while moving too quickly. When you have anxiety slathered all over your ADHD, or ADHD slathered all over your anxiety. it is likely that you will anxiously roll the same anxious thought-garbage around in your head all day long in a desperate quest for either quiet or stillness, neither of which seems to hold still long enough to be grabbed.

My quieter, calmer mind observes this phenomenon with great (calm) interest. It's not an all day affair anymore. When it happens it's very distinct and noticeable. And even a little annoying (to myself, and okay, sometimes to others too...especially when I would get stuck "thinking out loud").

The subjects of the thoughts is not the element of interest...it's the rumination and the perpetual motion. The constant rolling of sharp-edged, agitating thoughts, in a desperate attempt to make them smoother. A quest to stifle Chinese water-torture on the "self" itself.

Watching this with interest today...did not take the anti-anxiety medication last night, out of a refill. It's not like I turn into some kind of anxiety ravaged maniac in the absence of medication. I just feel the edge creep back in...notice that it takes a little longer to let go of certain random thoughts...notice a fluttery feeling in my stomach...

Considering the stress of my life I'm really feeling pretty good and am actually a little relieved to know that even on the days when I take medication I still CAN feel stress in less intrusive ways. If I didn't have any feeling of stress right now I WOULD be seriously worried about my mental health! But...I'll be happy to get the refill and take it again and just take that edge away. I still marvel that lived so many years that way...

A Gift from ADHD Heaven

As previously posted, we lost our assistant here at the office, and while it was inevitable, it created some obvious difficulties, the largest of which being that I really don't have the time just now, to be two people in this office.

The Boss called a couple of mornings ago as I was turning on my brain and computer for the day and exclaimed "I FOUND A PERFECT ASSISTANT! PERFECT! SHE'S CALLING AT 10, BRING HER IN!".

We interviewed her and she indeed seems to be...a PERFECT fit. Only time will tell, but the biggest obstacle to hiring in this office is finding "the right personality" for the environment. There are a few major quirks existing in our office...two of which are me and the Boss, haha.

She's very comfortable with people, has a lot of waitressing experience (which weirdly is actually something that is a HUGE plus in this office, where between the clients and the coworkers you could go nuts if you can't think on your feet, multi-task and cope with people ranging from prosecutors to incarcerated convicts...lots of big personalities and...quite frankly...mental health issues!). Her grammar was also impeccable. Angels from heaven descend.

Somehow, don't remember how, we're talking this morning as I'm training her and it comes out that...dundundunnnnnnnn...she's an adult ADHDer too.

SLAM DUNK!

Some people would think that three ADHDers in one office (that would be ALL of us) things might get a little, mmmm, well, you know, ADHD-like in the "bad" stereotypical way. But honestly, as any adult ADHDer can attest to, we all have to work to develop some great coping skills to get away with getting through life on a daily basis. Plus she, like me, is "official" and diagnosed, and seems to have put thought into what methods work for her in terms of organizing. Even though her experience was not in "what we do" here at the office, she had a solid work record so she's clearly figured out some tricks. The Boss has his tricks, I have mine, she has hers...and at least in the case of me and the Boss, our tricks are complementary, and we both double check ourselves and each other...with a third pair of eyeballs on deck...she seems to have a really cooperative spirit too, and be interested in learning. My hopes are high; we'll see how this goes.

I cannot help but squeal a little about the fact that...she LOVES my checklists. I showed her the office daily task checklists...the new client checklists...and the others...she grabbed the daily task one right away and started writing notes for her day tomorrow on it.

We're turning into an accidental ADHD mecca!

A classic ADHDer adult moment...

So there I am last night at the local Chamber of Commerce's Citizen of the Year dinner, as a guest of a big company that is a terrific giver of support to the local arts community...

And I'm the only BRIGHT RED coat in a SEA OF BLACK SUITS. I'm very petite, have rather rock and roll hair, and while I was wearing "business gear" I had chosen to wear a new bright red dress overcoat...I am a business person, but my businesses are arts-centered after all, so I was dressed for my role...and there I was...

BRIGHT RED in a sea of tall men and women in authoritative black.

Made me chuckle ;)