Losing Your Sh*t ADHD Style

I pretty much have a mushroom cloud housed within my cranium right now, oh yes I do. It's just repeatedly imploding, a sickening, dense mixture of the seemingly unlimited factors pressing in on my patience right now. I snapped about 10 minutes ago and suddenly became a hunched over ball in front of my computer screen, holding my head and breathing heavily (and not in the sexy way). I am beyond verbal right now, I am officially post-verbal, beyond the kind of descriptive language that comes from a mouth because there is none for this feeling. In the last three minutes I seem to have regained my ability to type, oh boy, lucky you, insert sarcasm right here.

My boyfriend quietly left the room several minutes ago because I think he anticipated an impending verbal massacre of some kind. If I was able to speak right now I would reassure him that I'm so far past caring if anyone else is around, that no blunt force language shall fly this evening.

If this was me of 10 years ago, there might have been a tantrum. There might have been a fight. There might have been a late night walk-run in the night-time of the universe. But right now...

Right now...

This is too much. This is too much. This is too much. Whatever it is, it's too much.

Pro-crastination

Like many of my fellow ADHDers, I really put the PRO in Procrastination. I'm absolutely a professional at it and this past two weeks has been nooooo exception. I'm literally in the middle of a tornado right now because I have so much I have to get done before next weekend now, and so many other people are relying on me, that there is no question I will sacrifice sanity, sleep and whatever else I have to, in order to pull it all off.

But I realized something. This time, it's not just brain chemistry. One of my ADHD pitfalls is getting myself way overcommitted. That's how I have operated for years. Well this year, I got diagnosed with ADHD and have started medication and have started to have a way more realistic view of my life and how I live it...how to live my life in more depth by releasing myself of billions of little committments that drain my energy and ability to be effective. So here I am going "I don't want to be doing all this stuff" and that's actually not a ridiculous train of thought, it's not just ADHD impulse, it's really for true progress. I truly shouldn't be doing all of this stuff. But I really do need to see my committments through to the end before I embark on my new less busy life. For once it's not just procrastination, it's me learning how to live a healthier and more effective life.

And lately, talking to people around me, it seems like a LOT of people, in general are very stressed and overworked, and overloaded right now. The economy is stressing people out, losing jobs, or taking multiple jobs to pay the bills is stressing people out, the financial inflexibility of the present is limiting people's lifestyle choices which is stressing people out...and everybody's sick of dealing with it.

I hate to say it, but it makes me smile :) It makes me smile to realize that for once I'm right in synch with what's going on with everyone else. That we all have things we don't want to deal with right now...and somehow we just have to keep each others spirits up and get through it.

And me...I guess I need to just appreciate where I am and feel grateful for my new perspective. And forgive myself this once for just being...sort of normal!

My personal ADHD Diagnostic Criteria

There are diagnostic criteria for ADHD, and hopefully the new diagnostic manual coming out soon will actually have one for Adult ADHD, which would be rad. (It's pretty weird being diagnosed with a psychiatric condition that there's technically no definition for!) ...in the meantime, here's my personal definition, the one that I have either lived with, or currently live with on a daily basis:

• Getting up to leave, just 10 minutes into play readings/events that I myself organized because uh...I don't know...just needed to leave, and NOW!
• Constantly finding myself with a totally full plate of amazing ideas that have morphed into a mountain of obligations and having no idea how it got so out of hand.
• Days filled with "OH SHIT" the best ideas ever...that make me want to run from the office and go off on a tangent of "doing something" (although I stifle the urge physically...if not always mentally).
• Drawing sewing patterns in the middle of paralegal training classes/grad school classes.
• Bringing magazines to read in class so that I can trick myself into sitting instead of leaving.
• Having to work REALLY HARD to pay attention in conversations (even ones that interest me) because I get so excited about things when people are talking that it makes my thoughts branch out like a tree in spring.
• Complete inability to use calendars because I can't remember to look at them in the first place, lol.
• Realizing that the surfaces of my life are covered in post-its.
• Having piles of reminder notes congregating that I forgot I ever wrote.
  
• Working so hard to be on time and only succeeding about 80% of the time. (That's up from 0% in my earlier stages of existence)
  
• Fighting not to either seek or create chaos in relationships. (Have made GREAT strides on this one...)
• Having to work through obnoxious anxiety about completing seemingly innocuous tasks that have become nausea inducing. (One day at a time on that one.)
  
• Reminding myself not to go right off the histrionic deep end when telling stories because not everyone understands why a re-telling must be so dramatic.
• Remembering not to swear like a pirate (mmm...yeah probably not ADHD-related, lol).
• Working to access logic instead of have huge reactions to things when they upset me...because two minutes later I will feel badly that I flew off the handle. (Props to the elementary school counselor who helped me with this one those many years ago.)
  
• Piles of unfinished sewing projects that thankfully are smaller now thanks to the moderating effects of medication!
• Worrying obsessively that I have offended someone with one of my harmless but possibly annoying eccentricities.
• Having amazing radar for exactly the wrong people to date.
• Constantly re-aiming my focus on the hoops I need to jump through sometimes instead of the tangents I'd rather hyperfocus on.
  
• Coming up with some pretty damned GOOD ideas from time to time!
  
• Transmitting boundless enthusiasm for my projects to other people, and making them want to join me in making them happen!
• Wandering around the room when I'm trying to work but instead am trying to remember what it was that I was trying to do in the first place. Sometimes resembles the pacing of a feral zoo cat.
  
• Masterfully finding all kinds of interesting political and historical tidbits to read on the internet instead of reading boring shit for school.
• Getting REALLY annoyed with overheads lights and certain kinds of noises to the point where my boyfriend has learned to just grab the remote and turn the TV off when I start making my special "HOLY SHIT TURN THAT OFF" hand flapping motion because I'm too upset to articulate myself.
• Having to give physical demonstrations of explanations because sometimes it's just easier than trying to give it words.
• Reminding myself to empower my powers of diplomacy and tact (which I DO possess) and use proper "business speak" in certain company instead of swearing like a pirate (again with the swearing like a pirate, hmmmm) and using phrases like "fuckit, quit talking about it, fly by the seat of your pants and see what happens".
• Learning to let my love of risk-taking benefit me in business, and using it to show other people how to benefit too!
  

Turning all of this into a productive, creative me is an endless act of alchemy :) But it's never boring!

ADHD is certainly in these genes...

I think that there are a lot of people in my life who are just too used to my quirks to think there's anything weird about me, lol. Also a lot of people in my life who are just as quirky as me so I blend right in. My family for example. Both immediate and extended, they're an intense, moody, loud, boisterous, interrupting, drinking bunch of out of the box thinkers. Many of them have had very unique, non-linear work histories. So me...honestly, in relation, I seem pretty mild.

My parents have both had several unique careers and they're only in their 50's. They are both people who work best when they are the boss and are pros at questioning authority. Consistent time management is always a challenge, but creative inspiring ideas abound. They are both opinionated, chatty, emotionally intense story-tellers, who love shooting off on an adventure at the drop of a hat. My sister is super intelligent and can be a bit of a stimulation seeking wild child and follows in the mold of creative independent workers in the family...my grandparents on both sides had many different jobs, businesses, ideas over the years, always changing...my aunts and uncles on my dad's side are people who tend to work for themselves (so they don't have to work for other people) and frequently change vocations. My mother's sister is the kind of person who really doesn't like to be tied down and likes to be doing multiple things that interest her, when they interest her...mom's brother is a classic ADHD executive-type, a BIG IDEAS guy who needs good assistants to help pull the ideas together, and was good at his job, but had a hard time in school. Various issues with drugs and alcohol are not uncommon among us...various issues with depression, anxiety, and other obvious but undiagnosed mental health issues are also not unusual.

Amid all of this, I really just seemed fairly quiet as a child, very anxious, but not totally eccentric in their midst. I think that's part of what made me feel so out of place when I interacted with the "real world". I WAS eccentric in relation to the rest of the world, and had learned how to live from a fabulous circus of eccentrics, and I mean that appreciatively and lovingly.

I believe that the traits of ADHD that I exhibit are a product of both nature and nurture. It can clearly be theorized by observing my family that maybe our family culture involved certain types of behavior that are reinforced by example. I absolutely see how that could be a factor. But I also contend that there are certain kinds of decisions that people in our family would simply NOT make if they were more chemically balanced. Chaos creation on this scale has got to have a genetic compenent.

But I don't sky-dive, does that mean I don't have ADHD?

I would like to see more discussion of the definition of "stimulation-seeking" in people diagnosed with ADHD, more specifically a broadening of that definition, because I think it's sorely needed.

The persistent definition in general media (I'm still combing through the academic stuff) is that of the "ADHD ADRENALINE JUNKIE", ready to rock-climb/bungee jump/glue sniff/sky dive their way into oblivion on impulse without a care in the world.

That could not be further from my behavior profile.

I'll tell you one of the defining behavior patterns of my adulthood though, and I believe it certainly fits the definition of "stimulation seeking": totally chaotic romantic relationships. If ADHD bestows gifts (insert slight whiff of sarcasm here), then perhaps here is mine: picking BAD people to couple-up with. Holy cannoli, the stories I could tell. Oh I'm not just laying blame on them...but I'll get to that in a moment.

I have dated all of the following (a partial but illustrative list):

1) the psychotic (unmedicated) bipolar who chased me around the house with a knife, among other fun moments
2) multiple obsessive jealous types who terrified me on more than one occasion
3) stalkers (a more intense version of the obsessive jealous type, but worth their own category)
4) miraculously only one who threatened to become a partner beater
5) the compulsive liar
6) the paradoxical misogynistic "sensitive" guy
7) intense self-haters

When you date people who fit these profiles, it's easy to ignore the possibility that YOU might have some issues yourself. It's really easy to ignore that your stimulation seeking might be a symptom, because you're feeling so normal in comparison to your partner's more obvious quirks and pathologies. You get an artificial sense of feeling good about yourself (and maybe even an unearned sense of superiority) because you're not as screwed up as they are.

Why did I choose this path, over and over, why did I seek them out? Ohhh cheri. These people were all very exciting, breathtakingly intelligent, inspiring and unusual. And the unfortunate fact for a true stimulation seeker is that the bad parts? The creepy parts? Make these people VERY exciting to sleep with. No joke. It's the classic bad boy as aphrodisiac scenario, over and over and over...because I needed that kind of excitement to make me feel alive, to make me feel truly engaged and to avoid my own crap. And who needs drugs when you can get high on crappy life choices! These relationships literally made me so chemically high that my head buzzed, and my body would become nauseated with desire.

They were actors, musicians, activists, engineers, writers...and tyrants. And I chose them. And I let them. Yes, people who behave badly bear their own responsibility, but I am firmly of the belief that it takes two to tango...it takes two to manipulate...and for years I was a willing participant.

These relationship all let me ignore my own underachiement, my own emotional development, my own goals, my own inability to focus, my own spotty resume, my own inability to finish projects. In their shadow my attention was held, and life made sense, because I needed the chaos to keep myself moving forward, because I did not know any other way, nor was I interested in finding one, because I felt so alive when I was with them. Kind of creepy, huh? Love addiction? Meh...don't know. Now that I've identified the pattern, I seem to be able to work to address it, work to grow beyond it and to me, that's what really matters. It's not easy but I take pride in the continued journey away from chaos.

Although I am in a "normal" relationship now, it has been a great struggle for me, I won't lie (and have been very honest with my current partner about it, even when I had to admit to him "wow...I realized that sometimes I'm angry with you because you won't engage chaos with me"). Although I now know how to identify "healthy", I am still intrigued by "bad". Although I no longer allow myself those choices, I struggle now to deal with my own baggage...and my wandering mind...my difficulty in focus...my racing thoughts...my impulsive nature...the constant fidgeting...the whole previous rest of my life and the fact that I spent years avoiding myself. I loved riding on the moment, making decisions based on opportunity and chance rather than making plans and sticking with them...but being where I am now, I don't think I could totally go back. Limbo. It's where I'm at, and it where I'm supposed to be, and that's okay.

I can't say it's all been a waste because here in the present I possess a unique combination of skills and experiences that are occasionally very valuable to me both monetarily, and interpersonally. Now my task is to take these skills, and insights...and learn to focus them to meet my goals...and to be mindful of the pitfalls of stimulation seeking.

Just like that, poof! So easy! Haha...work in progress. But my point...stimulation seeking isn't just about bungee jumping.

ADHD, the pitbull teeth in your ankle

I am, just this moment, driving my sweetie insane. You see, I get great ideas...and I know I am forgetful. Humorous combo, here's how it plays out.

See, I want to have a birthday party. But we know that his parents are coming from out of town in one of the nearing weekends, but we can't remember which one. Well, I must have this information before I can pick a date for my birthday party so I asked him if he would call his parents and ask them...yes I can call them, but it's generally the case that if his parents are to be called, he's the one that calls.

I sat down to put together my list of people to invite for the party...but I can't stop thinking about how I don't know when his parents are coming...because I know I will forget if I don't write it down...by asking him to do it I should be able to clear it from my mind because I've delegated the task...except he's sitting in the other room checking baseball scores instead of dialing the phone...and I'm not trying to drive him insane, but I ask him about it again...and then about a minute later because I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me REALLY anxious because I know I'm going to forget I ask him again...and then about a minute later again...

Yes, there are obvious logical solutions to this dilemma...but not until after I ask for the millionth time and he goes "OKAY!!!!!!!!". The pitbull's teeth have finally sunk into his ankle.

But um...I'm still waiting now, and he still hasn't done it...and I either need to write it down, or dial the phone myself because...okay I'm going to ask him again because I can't stop thinking about it because it's worrying me...and so I apologize for bugging him and ask him if he wants me to just do it...then that makes him grumpy, because I've already pestered him 800 times now, and he thinks I'm doing this as a guilt trip even though I'm not, I'm just trying to be proactive...

OKAY!!!! Geez, okay, he's dialing the phone now.

I know how my brain works and I know I have to be proactive about taking care of business in the ways I know that I can. I'm sure all couples have moments like this actually, and it's not that it's strictly an ADHD scenario...ADHD just amplifies the urgency of seemingly unimportant things sometimes because like I said...I know I'm very forgetful, so I know I have to DO SOMETHING to make sure that the "thing" gets taken care of. And until I DO THAT SOMETHING it causes me great worry, because I fear dropping the ball. When you've dropped the ball so many times, and have learned to work so hard not to...it is a perfect recipe for anxiety.

Anyway...he's talking to his dad now, and the answer is nigh...so I can let it go, I am relieved...and he doesn't seem too annoyed anymore, lol, this is the only reason this relationship works, his ability to forgive my insistence (and my ability to forgive his baseball obsession) and in a minute I can send out my party invites.

It's a rather effective coping mechanism...not the driving him insane part. Awareness of my forgetfulness, and taking responsibility for it makes me very driven and at times makes me very productive. Letting that kind of insistence or fear drive your actions can be intense though...my core burns hot...but my persistence is part of what makes me effective.

"But You're So Smart, Why Can't You Focus?"

I want to thank Jeff of "Jeff's A.D.D. Mind" for bringing up this issue, first of all because it's fascinating, and second because I think it's part of why I was not diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood. (See JEFF'S POST)

Sometimes really gifted students just seem ADHD. Read the info that Jeff posted and you'll see why. Sometimes gifted students actually also have ADHD. I was identified early on as a gifted student...a label of ADHD never came into the picture until, well, just this year, although it was a possibility I'd tossed around for many years.

For me, what it comes down to is impairment...do these things that could be giftedness or ADHD cause me impairment? Yes, absolutely, and that's why I sought treatment. But I didn't seek treatment because my smartness was just killin' me, I sought treatment because impulsiveness, stimulation-seeking, a cluttered mind, and inability to land my thoughts was driving me nuts and creating obstacles for me. I was unable to really grow and nurture my ideas, because the ADHD was getting in the way, at least that's the way I see it. Trying ADHD meds, even at this early stage of experimentation, has only convinced me of this...in general, the medications do not obscure my personality, in fact, I feel that they help me see the line more clearly between my native thoughts, and ADHD symptoms. With medication I have all the same thoughts and feelings, they just don't hit me like a hailstorm...I can examine them and sort through them and enjoy them more. And after 33 years of being me I have a pretty good idea of what I am capable of and what I have to "cope" my way around like mad...I'd finally had it with shooting myself in the ass, and with my inability to live my life in any real depth.

Whether or not I end up continuing with medication in the long, or even the short term, I am still grateful for this experience, of being able to see that line for the first time....it's given me greater, deeper insight into myself, important information that will make it easier for me to make different kinds of choices from the ones that were impairing me.